OH WAIT. My mistake. The pants aren't tight enough.
2. The Onion: Kobe Bryant Proves He Can Win Championship With Luke Walton On Team. In other news, if you're a writer for The Onion, call me cuz I have a crush on you.
"'I was so sick of hearing people say how I couldn't do it with Luke out there,' said Bryant, acknowledging that his teammate's deficiencies have overshadowed the Lakers since Walton was drafted in 2003. 'It gets annoying to hear that question over and over, but you can't argue it. You can't deny it. You have to show that you can prevail alongside one of the worst small forwards in the game.'
'Now I just want to kick back and savor the moment,' Bryant added. 'I feel like a huge 6-foot-8, 235-pound burden has been lifted from my back.'
Bryant, who averaged 32.4 points a game and was named MVP of the NBA Finals, played with a fiery determination and lifted his Walton-compensation skills to an almost superhuman level, ultimately erasing any doubt that he was capable of greatness while playing alongside Walton.
'We were able to prove all the doubters wrong because we had an excellent game plan that we executed at the highest level,' said Bryant, who verified before each play that his teammates knew their assignments and were prepared to shut down Walton's dominating awkwardness in the paint. 'It was physically draining to limit Luke's missed scoring opportunities, but that's what it takes to win.'"
3. "Nuanced, Ambivalent, or Guarded" Bumper Stickers for connoisseurs of corny automobile-decoration humor such as myself.
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