Put some clothes on that ass Go to the Beat Swap Meet if you respect yourself

I am more comfortable around music people. THERE, I SAID IT. Understand me.

Most trained record-scavenging machines out there only need a big fat ATM withdrawal before a Beat Swap Meet. They'll usually get coffee and a muffin too, time permitting. 

This machine, however, is a lady machine, with long, misbehaving hair that needs to be smoothed down. Nails need to have a nice sheen like a pool of motor oil or candy paint; I know this from years of UGK listening. Coming through looking clean is the name of the game (UGK again), so I need to iron my clothes and "bring a pocketbook that matches," according to my proper southern grandma. Coming through smelling like cupcakes doesn't hurt either (cocoa butter-vanilla oil combo).

Laundry, an absolute must, is the foundation of my pre-BSM routine. (I'd take it personally if MCs ever stop rapping about the foxiness and Snuggle-fresh clothing of LA women.) I went off to wash clothes the morning of June 10, bringing along an iced coffee and that silly Parade "magazine" that comes in the Sunday paper. Normally I read strictly highbrow fare while I'm at the laundromat (WaxPo, Harper's, Adario-era Source, Utne). I'm not embarrassed about reading Parade, though; I'm secure in myself. (Only God Can Judge Me, according to Pac, Master P, and Mike Bibby's calf.) Besides, Parade sometimes provides pretty useful bits of information - like the fact that June 10 was THE GOD Saul Bellow's birthday. Saul's a great writer, known for Augie March, a white American male alienation classic, right up there with Nevermind, I suppose, and Labor Days. But Saul should be known for having a perfect name for a shouty preacher (SAUL BELLOW, c'mon), and for once saying, "Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door," a phrase so lovely that it cannot be improved upon unless you put a squiggly bassline under it. I'm getting it tatted on my calf this weekend.

Just the way players I play, all day every day. 
Honestly, guys. I don't know what else to say.

It turns out, appropriately enough, that June 10, BSM day, new/old record-gettin day, was the god Howlin' Wolf's birthday and the g.o.d. The D.O.C.'s, too. (Not mentioned in Parade, though lord knows they should've been.) I came up nicely - spent around $80, got 13 records, and didn't have to travel more than 5 miles round trip from my doorstep. The high in LA was 76°. I smelled good (cupcakes). And I exchanged smiles with so many people, because, you see, unlike the employees of Time Warner*, Beat Swap Meet sellers and buyers - music people - do not find it unusual that a woman enjoys record albums.


* "Whose records are these?" - 3 separate technicians during 3 separate visits, upon entering my apartment.

The original-pressing "Player’s Anthem" break that's been hard to find now lives in apt. 680 (even though the true player’s anthem is obviously either "Freddie’s Dead" or "Superman Lover"; duh, Clark Kent. And God's favorite DJ is actually Derrick May. DUH, CLARK KENT.)

1. The New Birth, Birth Day (RCA Victor, 1972). $8.

It's 2012 and everyone knows Queens and Harlem are the rapping-est boroughs. But it's still fun to summon the spirit of someone jocking Brooklyn super hard in '94 and exclaim: Biggie! Jeru! (Clark Kent and Premier both used the "You Are What I'm All About" pencil-tapping-the-side-of-a-mason-jar sound!) An automatic purchase because it's an original pressing as opposed to a '90s rapstalgia reissue, I saw Birth Day on display when I was walking out. It was the end of the afternoon and the end of my cash supply. The allure of this damn thing made me trot (ha, J/K; I sashay) across the street to the ATM to pull out more cash and come back. John was the seller's name, I think. Thank you, John. The freshness of your Van Exel jersey was not lost on me.

"HAPPY LISTENING FOR YOU AND ME."

Their cover of Womack's "I Can Understand It" opens the album. Lovely. The New Birth version lacks the crucial "yeah-uh" that kills me every time in the original (01:11), but when a DJ at the swap meet played "Across 110th St." while my weak arms were struggling with the weight of record bags during my exit walk to the car, it was a clear sign that I had to get something Womackian before I left. I was raised by leftist heathens in a weed den, but even I have to give in when God and all the angels send a message directly to me ("Womack, Logan. WOMACK"). And there was John, suddenly, with his clean copy of Birth Day to sell me. "You Are What I'm All About" (Biggie and Jeru) and "Got to Get a Knutt" (De La, PE, Doom!) are the rap-break superstars, but there's so much material on this record to be mined. More use should be made out of "Buck and the Preacher," for example. Current producers are scared to compete with G Rap and Large Pro, obviously, and this is why none of them have tried to chop and loop it. What an air-tight theory. Except that nobody but me and the Ego Trip guys and you currently reading this blog post even think about G Rap or Large Pro or anyone else in AARP anymore, unless there's a lawsuit involved and we're forced to care out of loyalty to the old dogs and our mutual hatred of Mac Miller. Twitter stuntery and ass injections are mostly the move in the industry now, with the scary, cold eyes of Riff Raff overseeing it all. Everybody get ready for my "Cashin Out" freestyle, which the world definitely needs.

Birth Day's other standout is "Easy, Evil." (Sorry; no link.) It's a better song title than actual song, a feat last accomplished by The Dirty Projectors' "Gun Has No Trigger," but it's got this weird, sexy line "Sometimes I don't know what I'm doin' 'til I'm done," which would be perfect as a UGK hook. It doesn't matter that Chad isn't around! He's still around, kinda! He resurfaces every couple of years like a new Batman movie! (It does matter that K.R.I.T. is way more interesting when he produces than when he raps. What am I to do about this? Somebody, please.)

Person on this record around whom I'd probably feel most comfortable: Harvey Fuqua, New Birth's producer and the uncle of Training Day director Antoine. Harvey's got lots of music industry tales I'd love to hear, details about Berry Gordy making out-of-wedlock babies. And he co-wrote and -produced Edwin Starr's "25 Miles," road trip playlist heaven. Plus I might be able to get him to call his nephew so I can find out whatever happened to Alonzo's stunning black Monte Carlo. I still send that thing love letters and naked pics of myself.


Suitable for bonding with: Clark Kent, Premier. And Daniel Dumile, provided that I can compose myself in his presence and not shake like a naked Chihuaha. (Unlikely.)

Free line for the taking: "Beatin down Joey Bada$$es/Cracks in stacks and masses," my take on that one part from "Player's Anthem." It'll turn up on a fake-diss track that Joey's A&R suggests to Action Bronson's people, to reignite the Queens v Brooklyn flame, with the end result of course being promo and profit. Remember where you heard it first! I'm also working on a post-iPad-world version of "My mind's my nine, my pen's my Mac-10," a line that's so old-timey, Big might as well be talking about his quill and inkwell.

Feminist points: Minimal. The New Birth had a strong female contingency, but the men were the ones in control of the writing, production, and marketing. And when it comes to The New Birth breaks-usage, there's little to be thrilled about in terms of feminist deconstruction. Jeru's voice is legendary; that authoritative tone really does it for me. Maybe I have a thing about being dominated, but maybe I just admire his ability to flow beautifully while looking bored with his own genius. Jeru’s judgment about the way ladies choose to dress themselves, however, is awful. "Skin-tight jeans, everything all exposed"; then the hook kicks in, blah blah, preach, not in my house, young lady. Groan. Dad raps are the absolute worst, even when there's a Premier beat involved. The ladies of the '90s apparently needed to be reprimanded for letting their asses show. Good thing it's 2012 and I'm grown. Settle down with the slut lectures, J.

Side B, track 2: "Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child." Sometimes I feel like I already heard someone say that, and it was on a song by GHOSTFACE. Nice try, biting-ass El Chicano.

2. El Chicano, Viva Tirado (Kapp, 1970). $7.

Bullfighting, in the words of Chicago fetus Chief Keef, is that shit we ladies DON’T LIKE. For the record, we do not care for those Subway commercials with adults talking like little kids, being cold, Mitt Romney, Drake, or people coming at us crazy (which includes Mitt and Drake, politically- and musically-speaking) either. "Viva Tirado" is about a bullfighter. Cringe. I don't like. However, it is a scientific fact that women love drums in general, and women with exceptional hips love congas. So when the god Andre Baéza enters the picture, bullfighting somehow becomes tolerable. Women with exceptional hips and great taste in music genuinely love the musical productions of Scoop DeVille - the son of the man whose hit song is based on "Viva Tirado" (there's baby Scoop at 00:31 and throughout!). Tony G, an LA institution like Fred Roggin and dads at the mall in Kobe jerseys, produced "La Raza" and "Mentirosa" which means that, like me, he was cool with Mexicans and Cubans.

Feminist points?: I can't think of anything overtly feminist about this album. Tangentially, however, I could point out that the liner notes mention that it was recorded at at 3840 Crenshaw. Formerly a restaurant, the address is now home to a Social Security office - which, in providing benefits that act as a safety net for thousands of LA women and their families, is a place with feminist/humanist connnotations.

Suitable for Bonding With: Houston Los Angeles old heads.

Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable: Baéza, the conga player. Drummers just understand me.

Nov. 25, 1970. Reagan’s just been reelected governor of my state, and it’s not even the cool Reagan who wears checkered Vans. The prosecution has just rested in the Manson trial. The city seems a little, I don’t know…tense? On the plus side, "Super Bad (part 1)" is #1 on the charts, and Pharoah records Thembi at the Record Plant. Then he goes and stands on some rocks and looks at the ocean like Madlib's weird old uncle who rents a room in Port Hueneme.

3. Pharoah Sanders, Thembi (Impulse!, 1971). $14.

Listen, the jazz cat knows women. "This album is dedicated to and named after Thembi Sanders," it says in the upper-right corner of the inside (gatefold!) cover. This is a classic "I love you, wife" dedication and I am powerless against its charms. While nothing tops the Tess, Tess, Tess, Tess, Tess dedication from bookwriting cat Raymond Chandler, the jazz cat knows women. Create something, name it after us: become immortal in our hearts.

$14 is normally outside of my price range but I absolutely had to have this record. Thembi's got a KMD break and Lonnie Liston Smith, two things that occupy the "obsessions" part of my brain. It also boasts old-timey names like Cecil McBee and Clifford Jarvis on the credits (bass and "bird noises," and percussion, respectively), both of whom sound like they were either quarterbacks for the ’52 Packers or members of the ’71 Globetrotters.

Feminist points: Lillian Douma, a LADY, was a co-engineer on this record, making her the Syd tha Kid of the '70s jazz world! (This is how I explain it to my 13-year-old cousin, to try to get him interested in '70s jazz). For extra credit, there were female pharaohs in ancient Egypt, so Sanders gets feminist points just by association.

LOL:  "Production and engineering by Bill Szymczyk," a man whose name'll get you 500 points on Words with Friends. He produced people like The James Gang and Bill Walsh, and then right in the middle of his discography is this Pharoah Sanders record. Love it.

Suitable for bonding with: Weird old jazz guys who close their eyes when they're talking to you and trying to remember details about that show at The Lighthouse in '61. And Dante Ross, on account of the KMD factor - though Dante would not allow any bonding to take place because that would interrupt his constant name-droppery.

Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable: Lonnie Liston Smith, astronaut and boss - bosstronaut - whose credits on Thembi include "Fender Rhodes" and "shouts." Delightful. There's also an appearance by Chief Bey on this album. He is Mos Def's uncle, maybe.  

LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE. Art Blakey said, "Whatever truth drops on, it eventually grinds to a powder," which you'll recognize as the inspiration for my future coke-paranoia-themed mixtape (Truth to Powder). Harry Fraud, send me some beats.

4. Art Blakey & the Jazz Messengers, 3 Blind Mice (Blue Note, 1962). $4.


I recommend Tom Cat for true Blakey percussive loveliness, but 3 Blind Mice's personnel includes THE GOD Wayne Shorter, plus THE GOD Billy Collins wrote a poem about it, plus it's got face sweat on the cover along with Art looking heavenward. I had to get this. The Muslim held most dear in apt. 680 is Ghosty. (He's a Sunni.) But the Muslim with the best album-cover face sweat is Art Blakey. 

The nursery rhyme about the mice has a truly horrific story of origin (a Catholic queen murdering Protestant dissenters), which just serves to make it more entertaining and tragic. This is simply the power of melody - it'll make you forgive a horrible story that angers you, or just make it go down a little easier, in what feminists such as myself know as the He's Not Talking About Me Theory (ho raps, violence-against-hoes raps, side-chick raps - they are pleasing and fun, because the MC is never talking about me). Today I'm referring to it as The Wham! Theory. "Everything She Wants" is a song about a greedy whore whom a poor, defenseless man marries. He's captain-save-em. The man takes 4 whole minutes to whine and cry about it, the material is so morally repugnant, there's really no point to the song at all, and it just fucking bangs so hard, with fun chord progressions and that great synth-y bass from what I'm told is the Linn LM-1? (Dave Tompkins with the future information-confirmation assist here. Thanks in advance, Dave!). I'm trying to think of a way I can draw parallels between Art's hard bop (jazz influenced by R&B, with more hip-friendly, bluesy rhythms than bebop) and Wham!'s shiny, electronic, we're-not-gay-we're-just-British pop of the '80s. Who says you need an profound reason for an "Everything She Wants" interlude, though? And how come George Michael never gets credit for his production skills?


Suitable for bonding with: Cornel West, Pete Rock, Madlib, Mark Gonzales, David Byrne, skate shop employees in Portland and SF.

Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable: Wayne Shorter, superboss and the Jazz Messengers' musical director, who once said, "If all you have in life is music, then you haven't got music." I feel comfortable around music people who are secure enough in their musical-ness to say things like this. 

5. The Sons (Capitol, 1969). $9.

This one's got a break used by charming pornographic goofballs The Beatnuts, who'll remind you that rappening is, in fact, what’s happening. Or at least it was back when Relativity Records was poppin. To get that simple, clean melody for "Straight Jacket," the boys slowed down The Sons' "Boomp Boomp Chomp" - a song with the satisfying one-two punch of a Dilla-esque title and a quick, sustained hi-hat that makes me file it in the same place in my head as the intro of "Boogie Nights" and that k-Os song, based on a "Hot Music." Marsalis! 

I play "Hot Music" when Clams comes over, just to remind him of the sound DRUMS make. But then he just goes back to making those "Eyes Without a Face"-ish instrumentals because that's how he stays paid.

After forming the Sons of Champlin, then disbanding it, Bill Champlin became a member of Chicago. It was pre-"I’m a Man" and -"Street Player" Chicago, though, so that fact is a bit of a throwaway. He did cowrite EWF’s "After the Love is Gone," which proves that just because a man looks like a cross between Huey Lewis and Ian McKellen you shouldn't assume he can't write a floaty '70s makeup sex jam. Bill Champlin also convinced an entire band to call themselves his sons, a feat that I dare you not to respect. Champlin sonned his bandmates, then ordered them to do this song, best one on the album.

Suitable for bonding with: JuJu, Les, C-Rayz Walz. I don't know how often I'll listen to The Sons. If I clamor for white men who bleed funk, I'm listening to The Talking Heads or AWB or The Mothers. But it was a great find - a rare original pressing, including the lyrics booklet with pictures of unshowered Americans of European descent just like the ones who live next door and breathe up all my air at Trader Joe's.

Oh hey Justin and Sara and Ben! WHAT'S GOOD.

The Duke of Earl and The Iceman just walkin through the woods together in some tweed and leather, probably writing some hits. No big deal.

6. Gene Chandler & Jerry Butler, one & one (Mercury, 1971). $4.

Do you speak fluent Yancey? You are basically telling the world that you do if you bought this after 2005. 

Gene and Jerry didn't really dominate any hearts or ears with one & one, probably because it was 1971. Marvin and Sly and Funkadelic were doing it absolutely to death at the time. It's hard to compete with Maggot Brain, you feel me. But Gene, the voice, had THE voice. Akon's got Gene's picture in his wallet like a prayer card. He stares at it before he goes into the booth to try to reach that upper-register sweet spot, solid and high (Barrington Levy; Frankie Lymon; the guy from Supertramp). Jerry, the songwriter, is from Chicago and has always insisted on putting his own voice on recordings despite its limitations, instead of letting his gifts as songwriter/arranger simply send his messages to the world. Jerry Butler's the Kanye of Cabrini-Green.

one & one lacks any true bangers, but good lord: Dilla Dilla Dilla. It's comforting to think that his beats continue to inspire the diggingest of diggers and the J Dilla Foundation continues to get donations because of this man's beloved status - even if me buying a 40-year-old record on a lovely June Sunday results in no funds actually ending up at the organization. (I am also comforted to think that Nate Dogg's family is maybe getting some extra money from the licensing of "Till I Collapse" from the Savages trailer that shows every 12 minutes on my television. The music industry is fair and nobody ever gets fucked over. Rainbows, kittens!)


Notes from an annoyed feminist: Women love the voice, according to Q-Tip, who is from Queens but is not Action Bronson, Nore, Simon, Garfunkel, or Monch, so I'm not all that familiar with his work. Brothers dig the lyrics. How silly! What a limiting thing to say! Linden Boulevard, you lost me with that one. Disrupting Q-Tip's entire theory, I adore the talents of Gene (voice) and Jerry (lyrics) equally, even though I am a lady. My male buddies feel the same way about Gene and Jerry, enjoying each man's contributions irrespective of anatomy. We all need to taste life, enjoying it fluidly, unbound by gender roles or societal constraints. Let's be swingers, ok? But just when it comes to DatPiff and our record collections. Voice, lyrics: love it all. Kittens, rainbows.

Suitable for bonding with: Ha, Dilla nerds. ("You Just Can't Win" is the grandpa, or maybe the wise old uncle?, of "Glazed"). Owning this record means you've signed up for a lifetime of bonding with these people. Good luck with that. They're nice enough; just a little intense.

If your nickname is "Fats" you're either a jazz professional or a large, inept man in Miami who insists on releasing grunt raps.

7. Lou Donaldson, Mr. Shing-A-Ling (Blue Note, 1967). $11.

HOLY HELL IDRIS MUHAMMAD ON DRUMS, back when he was Leo Morris, went the shout of the outspoken lady who lives inside my head when I saw the unmistakable pink and green on the cover. The real-life me, however, said nothing, due to being raised right (taught not to scream like an idiot in public). I just clutched this one to my lovely bosom and asked how much. Original pressing; I thought it would be at least $20. Nope - just above $10! And all I had to do was trade sexual favors! FEMINISM, YALL.

"Ode to Billie Joe" is the reason for this purchase, with Idris' Leo's shuffly drums making me feel like I'm in the marching band if the marching band were made of Bond girls in bikinis who are librarians in their spare time, think about Wham! songs at work, and happen to love coke raps. Snare snare, shuffle shuffle shuffle, til it gets to that liquid center around 02:40, the hot magma. That's when the bass kicks in and I realize I'm not meant to be in a marching band; what was I thinking. I'm meant to take Stage 2 at Magic City. Throb throb, bassbass throb.

Ignore the fact that the woman who wrote the song was not actually named Bobbie Gentry and probably didn’t have any working-class southern roots. Her father was definitely a senator, Republican of course, and she went to prep school and once kissed a black guy so she felt like she could write songs about struggle and heartache. She made millions. That’s just how the music industry works, sweetie. Even in 1968. Wake up. Bobbie was a semi-cold piece of work, however, with all that big black hair. Plus she wrote her own material and lived my fantasy life of lounging in some tight pants with nothing but her daydreams and a hi-fi to keep her company, and for this I must respect her.

Suitable for bonding with: Kutmasta Kurt. ("Ode to Billie Joe" begat "Sex Style"). Feminist points: KEITH THORNTON. Bisexuals on stage eating Fruit Loops, pornographic thespians, the ladyboys of Thailand: Kool Keith is accepting of all types of femininity, and he's one of the top 10 most feminist MCs ever*. Raps by guys like Keith and El-P and Danny Brown will always be more inherently feminist than those by Drake, because they don't pander to us.

* Just relax, think, let it marinate. I'll do a full explanatory blog post in the future if you guys beg for it.

8. Cold Blood, Thriller! (Reprise, 1973). $5.

I clearly got a bad copy of this, because I see ZERO songs produced by Quincy Jones, hey-oooo. You've been a great audience! GOODNIGHT.

Impossible: The first 10 seconds of "Kissing My Love" has allegedly only been looped once or twice on major-label rap songs (??). IMPOSSIBLE. Im possible. Internet, you a goddamn liar.

I am not allowing my hips to reach their full potential because: I have yet to walk down the street to this. Too busy walking down the street to this. (The entire melodic structure and overall hotness of "Loco-Motive" makes up for the previous release from that new Nas album, the Rawse-tainted "Accident Murderers." That's the one with Nas' line about dudes who "rubbed each other wrong like a bad massage," which is terrible and should be relegated to that inevitable Bieber collab.)

Hustlenomics professor: ME. Finding Thriller! at all is rare; finding Thriller! for $5 in the middle of a major city, surrounded by record dorks who want it so bad, is the result of such a tight hustle that people assume I am tricking or have a record shop connection. I have neither; it's just the patience hustle, sprinkled with a little dumb-luck hustle. Best hustle of all, though, is the one belonging to Cold Blood's singer Lydia Pense. She got the band to name their 1974 album Lydia. TIGHT WORK, doll. This would be like Curren$y getting the 504 Boyz to name one of their albums Shante Franklin.

Suitable for Bonding With: Dudes who love everything embodied by Cold Blood - breakbeats, the Bay Area, songs about getting down, and yellow-haired ladies who show their midriffs. So, Danny Brown.    

9. Chairmen of the Board, Bittersweet ("Fuck Off, Motown" Invictus, 1972). $12. 

Shoutout to greedy bastard Berry Gordy, who is directly responsible for this album.
(Money disputes. Control disputes. Of courrrrrse. Berry doesn't enter into disputes about anything else, silly.)

I'd also like to thank Berry for my girls The Honey Cone and Parliament's Osmium - two things that directly resulted from the Great Holland-Dozier-Holland Middle-Finger-to-Hitsville Peace-Out of 1968. You have to assume that some of the Chairmen's songs, exceedingly Motown-ish in melodic structure, sprang from the house of Gordy, though. "Men Are Getting Scarce" has one of those tense, panicky openings at which H-D-H-at-Motown excelled ("Bernadette," "You Keep Me Hangin' On," "Standing in the Shadows of Love").

It's not their fault, but Chairmen of the Board get feminist points deducted because "Give Me Just a Little More Time" is used on that goddamn mop commercial about a lady whose life is passing her by because she cannot stand living with a dirty floor. That fucking floor rules her entire world. Even when she gets the new, quick-use mop, allowing her lots of free time, she chooses to spend this time sitting on her front porch with a cold drink because the housechore goblins have stripped her of all life-force. Blaming Berry Gordy for this whole charade just feels right, so let's go with that. Anyway, the lady should be using her free time having a super-hot love affair and then going through some heartache, with the closing move of walking away from her man in slow motion, looking at him over her shoulder while "Bittersweet" plays. Please erase any Kanye associations from your brain and only acknowledge this, the one true version, complete with heavenly tempo change right around the 2-minute mark, hands in the air if you ever been in love of the hurtin' kind, C'MON:

  

 

Suitable for bonding with: Kanye West. Lucky me.
Also suitable for bonding with Lee Stone, who used a Chairmen break on Method Man's "The Motto." I wouldn't be able to pick Lee Stone out of a room of people, but I love him for being Nyshiem Myrick's production sidekick and somehow never becoming a member of The Hitmen and padding Sean Combs' bank account. That's some integrity, Lee Stone. A person still listening to Method Man in ’04 probably also has plenty of integrity, along with an intense loyalty I shall never possess. I’m pretty sure the rest of us gave up on Mef around ’99-? He owned ’94 and maintained his stats for the next 4 or 5 years, rap game Olajuwon. And now he is old and has the classic old-rapper-problems duo of irrelevance and unpaid back taxes.

10. E.L.O., Face the Music (United Artists, 1975). $2. 

MECHANIC ROCK, YALL. I know so many of this stupid band's songs from my time spent waiting in the lobby at Jiffy Lube.

E.L.O.'s got evil cachet but it's that crazy-old-person concept of evil (Satanic backmasking). It's a clownish, silly kind of evil. So it makes total sense that El-P, supergrouch and master deconstructor of concepts, uses "Fire on High" for a break in a song about the way life wears a man down to the point that he keeps razors and angel dust on his person, I mean the whole song's so serious that it does a loop-back and somehow becomes clownish and surreal, two of El-P's fave things, next to cigarettes, the word fuck, his cat, and Cipro.

E.L.O.'s also got the '70s prog hair, and Jeff Lynne produced some pretty good Tom Petty stuff (though Lynne is no Iovine or Rubin when it comes to Tom Petty production). This is an impressive list of facts about E.L.O. Impressive indeed. It's just that this doesn't solve the case of my missing enjoyment. I own 3 or 4 of their records because I'm open-minded and willing to give anyone a chance. But they are terrible. I mean, in the words of headband aficionado and current global analysis object Frank Ocean, Sweet baby Jesus, E.L.O. is a terrible, boring band.

"Evil Woman" sucks, apart from that banging piano intro. On the feminist front, I cannot legitimately complain about the "Evil Woman" lyrics, because they are too stupid to entertain. "Ha ha, woman - what you gonna do/You destroyed all the virtues that the lord gave you," goes this terrible piece of music written by professional songwriters with Romney-sized buckets of money, "It's so good that you're feeling pain/But you better get your face on board the very next train." Just my face, E.L.O.? Or the rest of me too? I'm awarding "Evil Woman" Most Feminist Song of my record haul, just to annoy the band because this is the opposite intention with which "Evil Woman" was written. Ha ha, E.L.O. Women have all kinds of tricks up inside of us. You're just scratching the surface, dummies.



I would not have purchased this record were it not for:
   

"Special thanks to: Ellie Greenwich." AMEN, BROTHER.

Suitable for bonding with: El-P, as if I need yet another thing over which to bond with him when we run into each other at that store that sells Camels, Chomsky books, black-market iPad replacement parts, cat food, sandwiches, and old DAT machines in pristine condition.

Also suitable for bonding with Curren$y. It says "Copyright Jet Music" on the credits, which is a 1975 nod to the empire Curren$y would build 3 decades later. Here's hoping this post gets seen by one or both of these men, because I'd love a Curren$y x El-P something, and I am not referring to a song in which one of them gets a "featuring" credit by simply chanting the hook. I am comfortable and cozy around music people, but THE WORD "FEATURING" USED INCORRECTLY is lowdown and dirty. Until you can convince Premier to go back and re-title it "Mass Appeal (feat. Da Youngstas)," the Hook Chant shall cease to merit a "featuring" credit. Good day. 

NOT EVER.

11. Pato Banton, Never Give In (Primitive Man, 1987). $1.  

THIS IS TO ALL YOU FUCKIN BUGGED OUT COKE HEADS, someone comment-shouts under "Don't Sniff Coke." This is an individual who understands that coke always brings with it, to steal a NBA-draft-day phrase from Jeff Van Gundy describing the Washington Wizards, a huge knucklehead factor. Freeze, rock, etc. Don't do it. It would be nice to say that I grew up on Pato, my parents had a deep appreciation for the intricate rhythms of UK and Jamaican reggae and finding this record in the dollar bin was like getting a piece of my childhood back. Alas, no. Everybody, including me, snatches Never Give In outta the dollar bin because of "The Sounds of Science." C'mon. I'm not a complicated woman. That song also made me get a Range Rover and drop an orange like Galileo.  Plus I have a fondness for not giving in, not ever. Jimmy V taught me. And really you can't go wrong with buying anything with the (fake) last name Banton on the cover. [Same rule for the (real) last name Hayes. Lil Scrappy is whining all over the TV in 2012 but I can make lemonade out of his whiny southern lemons by savoring good old snappy "Money in the Bank," produced by Isaac's son and accompanied by a video fulla Banner screwface.]


Suitable for bonding with: Josh in apt. 694, who works at the dispensary. Josh, like me, prefers live instrumentation to digi-riddims but Josh, like me, cannot resist the digi-seductions of "Hello Tosh."

"Mr Pato, you’re a lyric computer/I can find no fault with you whatsoever/How'd you like to earn yourself a quick fiver?/Just repeat that line into my tape recorder."

Jeopardy! fact that somehow I was unaware of before this post: "Sensimilla" comes from the Spanish words for "without" (sin) and "seed" (similla). "Coke" comes from the Spanish word for "knucklehead."

"Any color you want, but it'd be, like, blue and cream." GET EM WITH THOSE WALLYS, RICHARD ASHCROFT! I also approve of that Sen Dog/SBQ/Smoke DZA/EPMD on the cover of Unfinished Business/Omar Epps in Juice bucket hat.

12. The Verve, Urban Hymns (Virgin, 1997). Price classified, like that Sade record I bought a few months ago. 


Contrary to what track 4 says, everybody knows that the drugs actually do work. They work nicely. Urban Hymns's strings make it fancy, the lyrics make it Caucasian-mopey, and there are just enough drug songs to satisfy. That song "The Rolling People" is about me and my slutty cousin Natalie hanging out with Juicy J and some yellow pokeballs backstage.

"Lucky Man" is the best song on here, prime material for an R&B god to do a version of that makes me cry and want to take my clothes off, but I'd be a fool to ignore the epic influence of walking-down-the-street banger "Bittersweet Symphony." Rocky rapped over it; I don't remember a single bar but I'm sure there was something about purple stuff and his stunning beauty. Though successful, this whole Pretty thing remains a tiresome branding technique. Anyway, thinking of Rocky in combination with hearing Naughty By Nature's "Craziest" on KDAY yesterday has really crystallized my discomfort regarding the lack of a Treach-like flow in 2012. We have Texas flows from New Yorkers and '90s flows from 17-year-olds, so seems appropriate that we should have a new, baby Treach on the come-up. Let's go, random baby-voiced teenage girls in Florida with laptop cameras. Rap game's yours for the taking.

Suitable for bonding with: the same jazz guys I bonded with over Pharoah Sanders and Art Blakey, plus Madlib, because they all think I mean Verve Records when really I'm talking about THEEE Verve. Sigh. It's hard to talk to space cadets.
Also suitable for bonding with people who enjoy making fun of diminutive professional rapper Big Sean, who is like 5'8", maybe 5'9" at the most. Replace every one of his "swerve"s with "VERVE" and you can magically turn "Mercy" into one hell of a song.

Yawn: The boring courtroom-bitchery history of "Bittersweet Symphony." The Verve v. The Stones is no Prince Paul v. The Turtles, trust me.

Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable: Ashcroft, the band's chief songwriter. He doesn't play bass or drums so I will not be having sex with him. We'll just hang out and talk about Leonard Cohen.

13. Black Science Orchestra, "New Jersey Deep" 12" [Junior Boy's Own, 2003 (originally '94, though)]. 99¢.

If this purchase needed justification, that justification would go in this space. 

Suitable for bonding with: Other carbon-based life forms who have ears and a soul and are constantly dodging the wolves of insignificance.




My guiding philosophy of the day at the BSM could've easily been "I like nice shit and I know how to get it/Hustle, dumbass. It's not rocket science or Quantum Physics." Nobody likes a dude who brings 2 Chainz or Wiz along, but aside from that, Curren$y's got that slurry charisma and he's fantastic, my personal motivational speaker, a tiny Tony Robbins from the bayou who loves a classic Chevelle. His motivational speeches were in my car speakers during the drive to the venue; "Nice shit" refers to records available for purchase; "hustle" might mean Girl I would suggest you bring your hips, but because I am a feminist and I was raised right plus I'm just really shy, this is a corny as hell negotiation technique that I never employ. During the BSM, it was Bellow's words that turned out to have more staying power in my brain, though. Do your best, wolves; new memories tied to these records are pending, as we speak. Music persons of Los Angeles and parts nearby: see you guys at the next one!

Things more interesting than popular music beefery and impending industry babies and Georgia rappers' appearances on terrible Dwayne Carter albums

• Put the paper in the panties when you get that dance, goes the sign above the front door at apt. 680, just as a reminder when you enter. There's no basketball court here, unlike at King of Diamonds. There's a basketball court there, inside, which makes it an odd and wonderful part of the Miami naked-girl scene. There's a basketball court inside King of Diamonds, I said. Inside. This fact is thirty times more interesting to me in my life at the present time than anything Tyler says or does in, on, near, or around MTV because...hell, it's MTV. (I feel like people are kind of making fun of his mom for her emotional display, too, and I don't care for that. And did you hear there was some sort of dust-up between basic bitch Rawss and a thin white lady not named Logan?). The basketball court fact is more interesting than anything, really, at the present time in my life, other than wondering to myself Is Curren$y's leg healing appropriately?; does he need anything from me, perhaps a nice home-cooked meal and a round of Duke Nukem? and How in the world does Wayne keep his white Ts so clean and fresh? (He seems like a sweaty person).


• I believe the phrase in Miami is Don't stop; get it, get it, correct? Anyway, I am too thin and awkward to be a nude dancing professional, but strippers and female rap bloggers are both regarded with a mixture of fear, patronization, and lust by males in our respective worlds so I feel like I'm an honorary nude dancing professional. Wayne - or, actually, the director of his video, with final approval by UMRG, all rights reserved - has some conflicting stripper feelings that this article sums up in a beautiful way. The only important thing that I would have included in the piece is the fact that the word hustle actually means "to shake to and fro." The word hustle actually means that. And still, dudes are upset at/lusting over/giving fatherly advice to ladies using what they have to git what they want.

Also, still unclear: Wayne's feelings about stripper librarians.



• Just as odd and funny, but not quite as charming, is watching Internet boys discover Dwayne Carter's "recent" descent into terribleness. Energy levels are high in this regard, dudes just going crazy, dissecting all the bars, hating up a storm. I tell you it's some enthusiasm like I've never seen. They're also getting excited (in the opposite way) over Andre's verse on "Interlude," which is only remarkable by default (due to the terribleness of the rest of the album). Everyone, everyone, I say, Calm down. Andre is the coolest, a real swingin cat, but if you show your hand too soon, lap up anything he gives you, he'll lose his fire and then we'll be stuck with another 5-year absence. Every night he reads me the phone book while I look at him with my chin resting in my hand but you don't see me getting all excited. I just wait til he leaves, then I write about how much I like him in my diary, and listen to his "Walk It Out" verse like it's still oh-six.



• Internet boy Andy Nosnitsky, you annoy frequently but you charm more frequently. And I have you to thank for informing me that Phesto has a Tumblr. 



• This photo of Bun B exists. SWANGIN, I hear his voice say in my head when I look at it. And as of tomorrow, Bun B Day exists. “Way to go Bun B, it will truly be a Trill Day in Houston!,” says the mayor's website, adorably. (The mayor apparently hasn't heard B's Population fifty thousand, only 3 high schools, but 8 sets of low-income housing critique, but I'm pretty sure B was talking about Port Arthur there anyway. A huge city like Houston's got to have way more than just 3 high schools, right?)

• #1 in sales/DLs at this moment: “I'm On One” (Khaled). Really, America? I didn't realize it was still mid-June. Best moment in the song, still: Khaled's Get em uuuup overlapping Stupid Jerkface Drake's I'm onnn one during the squiggly intro. The song is big dumb fun (still, even though it's no longer mid-June), and it's nice to see a Palestinian and a Jewish guy make some harmony together, quite literally. The other best moment is all moments not involving the image in my head of Rick Ross bending some poor lady over in the kitchen, Sweet Jesus. 

#1 at this moment in 1971 - “Spanish Harlem” (Aretha, age 29), produced by Jerry "MORE BASS" Wexler, AKA Production God For Whom I'd Convert to Judaism. Best part - piano at 01:44 (Aretha).

#1 in 2001 - “Fallin'” (Alicia, age 20), produced by Alicia (age 20!). Years later, these two ladies get cross-referenced in the Mos Def section of a certain bikini'd blogger's brain ("One Step Ahead" as a break, and the "You Don't Know My Name" video, SUH-WOOOON, DANTE, you give all shy, hardworking girls hope that dudes who don't look at us will one day look at us).



• I'm not a Belieber, I'm a...uhh, JerryLieberber? Hearing the original "Spanish Harlem" in the Civic  yesterday right when I started the engine means that some sort of deity exists and he/she is a fan of pop radio just like me. Best part: the syllabic stressing, the satisfying way the words ride the beat, during the It is a special one, it's never seen the sun/It-only-comes-out-when-the-moon-is-on-the-run/And all the stars are gleeeaming part. Lieber's heroic feats outside of actual music making include he and Mike Stoller insisting on getting producer credit on all of their work - unprecedented in the '50s music industry. "Atlantic wanted to call us 'directors'," he said, "they said they were the producers because they put up the money." But Jerry and Mike sealed the deal, ensuring that many years later a bikini'd lady blogger would hold Mannie Fresh in high regard for actually making the stuff that provides the soundtrack for her hustle, rather than one Bryan Williams for bankrolling it. See also: RZA rather than Steve Rifkind.

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Voracious Los Angeles Woman Demands More Good Rap Music (episode 8,012): David Banner,“Swag.”

“Let a white cop shoot a black kid/You'll see a few tweets, that's it.” Cranky Dave's got a point here but he's also perhaps missing the point that all of Lil B's songs are from the future, when words don't mean what we think they mean only we haven't caught up yet so we don't realize it. And can't I be complex enough to have a master's degree and still have a folder on my laptop dedicated to snappin & trappin songs? Can't I? Or am I deluding myself? The intensity of this debate makes me feel like I should stop blogging and working for the government and just go back to stripping.

Still, that V-Nasty reference made me scream out YESSS, THANK YOU in apt. 680 when I heard it last night. And Cranky Dave is better than no Dave at all, because even when he's cranky and message-shouting he still makes it fun and King of Diamonds-ish. GET EM.



“Get Like Me.” YES I've fucking seen a Chevy with butterfly doors. Stop asking, about 87 songs since this song came out. I only want David to ask me.

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The hustle is a thing which cannot be knocked (variations on a theme)

1. “From the motion picture soundtrack album NEW JACK CITY, available on cassette and Compact Disc.”

Going through crates n' stacks n' leaned-against-the-wall random groupings of records (Super Cat, the Impressions, Yes, Love, the Chi-Lites, that Dr. Buzzard's song from that Ghosty song ("Cherchez," I think-?), the "We're All in the Same Gang" 12", something called Music for Astronauts, annnnnd Cheap Trick of course), you realize you have stuff you had forgotten about. In my brain I got a capitalist migraine/bassline/Bobbi Humphrey. Moving's not so bad.





2. Fillmore Slim.

It's a lot of psychological wear and tear to be a woman and carry around something that you know has been traded and sold forever and ever (a woman's body). The female form is currency. It's just ill. If you were a lady you'd think about such things too. Oh and is Magic City hiring?

(Jon Dragonette)

3. I heard you did the right thing and donated some of your tax refund to Bryan Stow for his medical care. You're a good person and now I'll either let you see me naked or just do a blog tribute post to you (coin flip). The kindness hustle is the one you never hear about in mixtapes but it's probably my favorite out of them all.






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Ridin through the city lights, Monday Magic City night

“My relationship to groceries is directly related to how much I earn as a street musician,” says the man profiled in a Wall Street Journal piece from a couple months ago.

Well yes, sir, but

anybody's relationship to anything purchase-able is directly related to how much that person earns as a ______ (occupation).

The article is called Ten Rules for Street Musicians, but it could just as easily be 10 Rules for Strippers, or 10 rules for anybody with any type of hustle, anybody who uses what they have to get what they need. 10 Rules for the Cardboard Sign Wearer on the Corner. 10 Rules for Those of Us who Expect Payment for Services Rendered. 10 Rules for People who Need to Eat. 10 Rules for Humans.

The street musician's list of rules came about after he “explored the ideal circumstances for generating the funds to feed (his) food habit.” That's a universal exploration, though. My food habit is a beast, as is my rent habit and my Amoeba habit. And goddammit if I'm about to let something prevent me from generating funds to satisfy all my habits even if it means I need to take it to the Magic City stage. The street musician's primary means of securing ends to feed himself has been playing the cello on the streets, but for the girls in the club, just as it is for any professional, the advice on how to succeed is no different.




1. (Take Into Account) Day of Week / Time of Day.

“I make two or three times more money on Friday mornings than Monday mornings,” the street musician says. “Friday afternoons are second best. Tuesday morning is better than Wednesday morning although Wednesday afternoon is better than Tuesday afternoon. Thursday mornings aren’t so good but Thursday afternoons are.”


In a free market economy, people can choose the things on which they spend their disposable income and you better adjust accordingly, mama. The tightness and rightness of your game should be a given, but there are variables you need to consider. Stock market crashes, the latest with the Libya situation, a major sporting event on TV--try to predict the factors that will decrease or distract your audience so you don't waste your time putting time and effort into something that won't reach your best-paying customers. But then come extra hard when your audience returns so you can recoup your losses. They'll return, luckily. “It's like dope,” Frank Lucas said about money but it applies to anything pleasurable, “they always want more.”

I could never get hired as a stripper due to my innocent face and sassy mouth but I think Tuesdays and Wednesdays in the club would be deadsville. Thursday nights would be pretty lucrative, though--everybody psyched because the week's practically over. Fridays and Saturdays would be good too, but it seems like the club might be full of too many dudes being rowdy for the sake of rowdy (i.e., weekend warrior types coming to gawk with their crew rather that to tip the performers). No day shift, ever. The day shift is for the ugly girls, we know this.




2. How to Prepare for the Job.

“I get up about 6:00 a.m., eat a solid breakfast and listen to the Market Place Morning Report on National Public Radio while I drink a cup of coffee,” says the street musician.


Other than a Teflon psychological shield and vanilla cherry perfume oil, it's autopilot time for me at the club. There's nothing to prepare for or think about. The shield one is exhausting, though. And dude we all listen to NPR, so stop.




3. What to Wear.

“I dress respectably but not too nice - somewhere between grungy and preppy. I wear brown leather suede shoes and dark pants. If it’s cold, I wear a sweater but t-shirts are fine. People don’t need to see a collar.”


I could never be a stripper because I am terribly shy; however, I'm not an idiot so I know that if I were a fantasy fulfillment professional I would dress accordingly. I'd dress respectably but not too nice - somewhere between librarian and hooker. And no, people really don't need to see a collar.




4. Eye Contact.

“Eye contact is essential. I don’t wear sunglasses or a large brimmed hat.”


YEP. This one definitely applies to the seduction-arts specialist. People never talk about the importance of eye contact (music and outfits get more discussion time) but it's of the utmost. I could never be a stripper because I'd get tired of people asking me Ha, yeah, so what's your real name? when I tell them my name's Logan, but if I were, I would master the “I enjoy pleasing you” direct gaze. At first I thought it would feel gross to fake such a thing--the “I'm thrilled to be here” thing that a girl at the club has to put on, like a jacket or a hat, except worse even than a heavy, hot and itchy jacket or a hat because it fucks with you psychologically. Then I remembered everybody at work is doing this constantly no matter what the job is, including me at my government job, except at my job I don't get to hear any new Brick Squad or Grand Hustle stuff. Really, I'm thrilled to be here. Honest.




5. Location.

“The Charles/MGH Station is best for me as a solo cellist. It’s big, open and glassy, kind of like a greenhouse. I feel happy there so my music is probably better.”


Other than east of the LA River, south of the 10, or anywhere in the valley, I think I'd be fine with any club location. Obviously the ideal place would be next to the Starbucks at 2nd and Central downtown, so all my LAPD admirers could finally have their dreams come true. GROSS. Now I'm thinking about them! Moving on -




6. Competition.

“Once I showed up at the Harvard Square stop before 7:00 a.m. and wasn’t able to get a spot because other musicians were already set up. I came back another day and found an empty spot. I start to play and another street musician with a guitar comes up and said, ‘Did you guys do the lottery this morning?” I said, “There was space. I started playing.’ He said, ‘Usually we show up before 7 and flip a coin to see who goes first.’ I don’t know what’s true. Street musicians talk a lot of shit. I don’t go Harvard Square anymore because people who play there are so territorial. And the money isn’t as good for me.”


The original meaning of hustle was “to shake, to toss.” And if it's stripping we're referring to here as the hustle of note, there is no competition for me if I do say so. Have we just met? Shaking it and nerding it up are the 2 things at which I am most skilled. I get my fondness for logic from Dad; hips from Mom. I have excellent balance and I did ballet for 8 years. Combine these qualities and you get pure practicality - I heard that people will pay me if I do this thing and that thing with my body, so I'll go get a job at a place that will hire me to do this thing/that thing. Makes sense. I'd probably hold back a tiny bit on stage, though, so that my coworker with the young child would still be able to make a decent amount. We all need to get ours and the nature of the free market means that the girl with the most hips will get the most cash, but that doesn't make it right. Women get stereotyped as being competitive and catty, the whole crabs-in-a-bucket thing, but that's just a by-product of our culture's fear of female sexuality. What can you do.




7. Selection of music / Weather.

N/A regarding that second thing, but oh yes, the first one is definitely important - Toomp, Nitti, Mannie, Lex, Collipark, Shawty Redd, Neptunes '98-02, Rick Rock, DJ Paul who never gets any accolades but whose compositions are just amazing, 80% of David Banner's catalog, 100% of Nickatina's, that Minaj instro, the “Ha” instro, oh fuck it, really any rap instro from the states of Georgia, Florida, or Louisiana between '96 and '03, and in a surprising twist, some Jake One instros. The DJ might try to drive the particularly nerdy musicdork bassline-loving ladies who were raised on the Stax catalog out of their minds by playing something from Black Caesar or maybe some Cymande or something. Please, no. It reminds such ladies of their parents' record collection, and therefore it reminds them of being a kid. Kid stuff doesn't belong in the club.

Mr. DJ might also try to play “The Next Episode,” since it's burned into our collective psyche as that song with that stripper video and it's the perfect BPM, plus it has provided the image to open this post. That one blonde girl at the club with the hips who you came specifically to see and who you're pretty sure would go on a date with you would not enjoy this coming out of the speakers, however. She would be thinking about David McCallum and it would distract her too much. She's also thinking about the unadulterated epicness of the name “Kurt Vile” for a musical human, the catchy/sad accuracy of the words You only want me when I'm gone/You only want me when I'm fever dreaming, and how she just figured out that the “All of the Lights” drums sound like Hanna Barbera characters when they're running in place. “Xxplosive” is perfect, though, a slow swangin one to balance out all the frenetic Waka stuff. Anything by him or Weezy I would refuse to dance to, just based on the triteness of such a scene; girls getting money to the sweet sounds of “Bingo,” ooh. Groundbreaking. I refuse to take part. (If “No Hands” is played, though, all bets are off.)




8. Bad situations.

“One day, two guys come up,” the street musician says. “They keep giving me a hard time. I say to them, ‘Can you please just leave me alone? This is my workplace. Don’t bother me. I’m just trying to do my job.’”


I wouldn't get hired as a stripper unless I gained 7-10 lbs, but if I ever did, I bet I'd think about the possibility of bad situations pretty frequently. Getting followed after my shift is the scariest thing that could happen, I suppose. Bad tippers, although not scary, are a bad situation too. Dudes being visibly uncomfortable, resulting in me feeling sorry for them. Dudes bringing their girlfriends in to get cool points. (No cool points awarded, dumb dumb; you're a cliche). I could never be a stripper and sometimes I feel inadequate because of that, but then I remind myself about the pitfalls of such a job and I'm fine.




9. Customer / audience demographics.

“Race and gender make no difference if someone is going to stop, listen and/or give me money,” the street musician says.


WORDEMUP, buddy. We speak the same language. Stripper Logan fully concurs with street musician's assessment, as does Nerd Logan, Lazy Saturday Afternoon Logan, Bookstore Logan, Bikini Logan, Record Hoarder Logan and Grocery Shopping Logan.




10. How to measure success.

“One day was a bad day,” says the street musician. “Everybody was unhappy. I didn’t get much money. But when I got home, there was an email from a woman. She wrote, ‘Every time I see you, it brightens my day.’”


Is this one a trick? The answer to this is “REVENUE RETRIEVIN--money, in rolls or stacks, even though that's impractical and we only store it that way because that's how Gs and Henry Hill do it and it looks dope.”

There's a reason an E-40 synonym for “hustling” is “grittin & grindin.” If I'm a stripper, I don't make an hourly wage. I don't get medical or dental. I have to pay the house at the end of every shift. My legs hurt. I felt on your private parts with my soft ladyparts but neither of us got any intimacy or connection to each other as humans. And nobody ever emails me afterward to tell me I brightened his day : (







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