tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23178528222934793562024-03-05T18:56:55.510-08:00HeightFiveSevenBikini-clad nerdery, rap music, and assorted tomboyisms.Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.comBlogger1143125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-22722073716054249302012-11-30T07:57:00.001-08:002012-11-30T07:57:27.186-08:00Logan Melissa shared an Instagram photo with you <div style="padding: 20px; -webkit-border-radius: 5px; -moz-border-radius: 5px; border-radius:5px; width:550; margin:0px auto; font-size:18px; font-family:'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial"> Hi there, <p><span style="font-weight:bold">Logan Melissa</span> just shared an <a style="text-decoration:none; color: #2f79c2" href="http://instagram.com/">Instagram</a> photo with you:</p> <div style='margin:0px auto; width: 480px; text-align:center'> <img style='margin-bottom: 0.4em; box-shadow: 0 0 10px #888; -webkit-box-shadow: 0 0 10px #888; -moz-box-shadow: 0 0 10px #888;' src="http://distilleryimage2.instagram.com/65d3c8fe313011e2a95722000a9f09e9_6.jpg"/><br/><a style="color:#2f79c2; text-decoration:none; font-style:italic; font-size:0.6em" href="http://instagr.am/p/SJ-eRvLH8C/">view full image</a> <p style="font-size:0.8em">"See, Bobby Womack? I CAN DO IT TOO. CALL ME. #THEGODBobbyWomack #morelikeWHOAMACK #Cleveland #MuscleShoals #Swampers #RogerHawkins #BarryBeckett #JimmyJohnson #originalpressing #instavinyl #vinyllove #BobbyWomack #DJPaul #NickSpeed " <br/></p> </div> Thanks,<br/> The Instagram Team </div> Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-3096797880419353242012-11-29T17:15:00.004-08:002012-11-29T17:15:30.981-08:00Gimme a freaky kinky nation.<div style="color: white;">
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<br />Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-43008160209440556342012-11-28T23:13:00.000-08:002012-11-28T23:13:19.948-08:00Crockett. Scarface. Chris Paul at Staples.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-88963461258318495352012-11-18T16:01:00.001-08:002012-11-18T16:09:11.687-08:00Woman's gotta have it and by "it" I mean a Womack tshirt<div class="mobile-photo">
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Instagram isn't just my nickname for Josh who supplies me with that beige!<br />
It is also a photo site that I am <a href="http://instagram.com/heightfiveseven"><span style="color: blue;">newly on</span></a>. Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-69626883540226858592012-09-08T21:26:00.000-07:002012-09-09T10:24:35.683-07:00My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (Football Team)!<br />
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<b>What's that, Steve Winwood?</b></div>
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<b>You want me to talk about how your Caucasian-psych-swirly-bass band reminded me to do Fantasy Football again this year? WELL OK THEN.</b></div>
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Jimmy Miller, production god who never really got his propers, made some real walking-down-the-street bangers. "Can't You Hear Me Knockin" immediately comes to mind, a shining example of pure <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CJ8MvnEVCqM"><span style="color: blue;">hot-weather-in-a-sundress magic.</span></a> That song's <i>41 years old</i> and still sexual as all hell (especially those first 45 seconds, mmm). "Gimme Shelter," with the way it <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJDnJ0vXUgw"><span style="color: blue;">builds and builds?</span></a> I'M SWEATIN. Be a lamb and put an ice cube down my back, would you. <br />
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When fall comes along, his stuff is employed for colder-weather activities - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6U8JlcB_BzA"><span style="color: blue;">"Tumblin' Dice"</span></a> for walking down the street in jeans ("cold-weather activity" in my city means doing the same thing as during summer, except in jeans because it's 5 degrees cooler.) Mick's platform in the song is that women are terrible and sexy and not to be trusted, and playing into that is rather fun, so what better way to be a jezebel than to paint on some stretchy denim that shows off your lady-shape. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MK8F5BHvgE"><span style="color: blue;">"Gimme Some Lovin,"</span></a> a personal favorite because of the holy trifecta of kick drum, tambourine, and copious church-y <i>HEY!</i>s like a pre-pre-pre-cursor to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouwCWDbBskU"><span style="color: blue;">"Power,"</span></a> is perfect to have on when it's a frigid 65 degrees out and I'm making some baked chicken. You should see my kitchen moves, guys. I shake it like a combination of the girls in that 2 Chainz video and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Y34jC4I1m70#t=106s"><span style="color: blue;">2 Chainz</span></a>.<br />
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<i>Mr. Fantasy</i> isn't in the same category. It's dreamy and filled with sitars and tambura, too dreamy and slow for a walk. It's got that classic Miller style, though - driving bass, vocal build-ups and cascades, loud, clear drum punches. <b>"Being a drummer,"</b> he said, <b>"I was very rhythm minded."</b> Being a Fantasy Football manager for the 2012-13 season, <i>I too</i> am rhythm minded. Everything must flow. The guys on the squad don't have to be best friends, but they have to respect each other as men and support each other to get the job done. (I know how to wrangle some big personalities, just like Miller had to. He worked with <i>The Rolling Stones</i>, you see). My guys execute driving routes, clear punches; tight and right, balanced, nothing sloppy. The pieces of my offense all fit and complement each other, a powerful machine that runs on VitaCoco and maybe a little HGH. I was rifling through my records and came across <i>Mr. Fantasy</i>; a couple hours later, I had my team for this season, drafted and ready. I'm giving Jimmy Miller co-manager credit this year.<br />
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The rules were the same this year as every other: <b>1.</b> do minimal research on who’s really hot - meaning <i>projected to possibly be hot, provided everyone's knees and psyches hold up</i> - for the 2012 season. Check Rotoworld and CBS Fantasy ONLY, in other words - not Rotoworld, CBS Fantasy, SBNation, FantasySharks, "Fantasy" by Guy, The xx, and Earth Wind & Fire, or <i>Final Fantasy 4</i>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UFtpSebfdg"><span style="color: blue;">big big shout</span></a> to Danny Brown and DeShay that I should just get out of the way right at the beginning of the post. <b>2.</b> GET RODGERS; failing that, GET STAFFORD. <b>3.</b> Draft no Raiders, as I cannot have my real life allegiances and my Fantasy allegiances getting crisscrossed and tied into knots. Drafting dudes from the RVIDXR KLVN, however, is acceptable.<br />
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Fall is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHKIg17oHPI"><span style="color: blue;">the finest</span></a> of all the seasons. My apologies for being truly unpleasant to be around between now and December, but<i><b> LEH'</b></i>, as my 17-year-old cousin Kevin and all his lame friends said circa summer/fall 2011, <i><b>GO</b></i>:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-0Ox-cRkl3D3o7LGCZI67JroIO3iboDLSQ2rpJndbQsuLPhz2ATcxRySbGjwOHHfyio2ggLBNCNdXmtwNJketOr40iqhEbbZ6qTy3B2TbRE5p9XDG55RofJh7CRnXwe8RBdfCs8n4zRm8/s1600/AMP+Stafford+426.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-0Ox-cRkl3D3o7LGCZI67JroIO3iboDLSQ2rpJndbQsuLPhz2ATcxRySbGjwOHHfyio2ggLBNCNdXmtwNJketOr40iqhEbbZ6qTy3B2TbRE5p9XDG55RofJh7CRnXwe8RBdfCs8n4zRm8/s1600/AMP+Stafford+426.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b>Nickname(s):</b> None to my knowledge, but I like thinking about dudes walking around Michigan with STAF written above the dark blue oval of the Ford logo on their shirts. <b>IT'S DETROIT; they definitely do this.</b><br />
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<b>Pros: </b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span><b> </b>63% completion last year. <span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span> Poised and in control at all times, much like myself. <span style="color: #cc0000;">• <span style="color: black;">Thinking of him gets me all revved up to yell "KITTY PRIDE" at the TV 2-3 times this season after a really big Lions play.</span></span><br />
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<b>Cons:</b><i> </i><i><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span> The Goonies</i> was on the other night. Stafford looks like Chunk from <i>The Goonies</i>, mixed with a little Temple Grandin. <br />
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<b>Do-Gooder Twitter Score (1 - 10 scale): <span style="color: #cc0000;">6</span>. </b>Lots of support for the Wounded Warriors Project, but this is offset by boring self-promo ("Check out my exclusive video with <i>SWAG</i>, a new digital magazine"). The rest of his feed is all Republican-sounding notes on golfing with dad, NASCAR, and the on-the-couch-with-a-bag-of-Doritos-NFL-fan-favorite "leading a healthy lifestyle." Then he demands to see Obama's birth certificate and lays out his plan to keep troops in Afghanistan for the next 200 years.<br />
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<b>Nickname: "</b>Pretty Flacco."<b> </b>Drafted because it was the 12th round and neither Ryan Leaf nor Tim Tebow were looking appealing. Plus I'm always on the prowl for a big goofy white guy to recruit for QB, as they all seem to be great at throwing a football with speed and accuracy. (Ryan Lochte!, I've got my eye on you, buddy.) <br />
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Flacco's ability to throw the ball with accuracy lessens every year; honestly, his appeal as a player is purely emotional for me, because of his rad name, his do-gooder qualities (see below), and the fact that his team's been in the news alongside the name of <a href="http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it"><span style="color: blue;">THE GOD Chris Kluwe, soldier for equality</span></a>. Flacco will do for now. I'm just biding my time until Andrew Luck has one awful week and someone in my league drops him because nobody has loyalty. </div>
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<b>Do-Gooder Twitter Score: <span style="color: #cc0000;">9</span>.</b> Being a dad, Joe says, is <i>amazing</i>. He also pushes the Special Olympics and something called Boys Hope Girls Hope Baltimore. Get 'em, Joe.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihWmxScTYQtyZIFjhJS-DIFYOGRvxzVKBBvcSJM0aw76v0hVbHYzLtx_DfXKXINlXMFXoXQI2DUa6MG22SS9sX5rTQrX-z1ccvbxiK0JFcC9T0hDFaEDuViI0vE8UiivA1lW8K7RPA1foN/s1600/AMP+Bryant+426.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihWmxScTYQtyZIFjhJS-DIFYOGRvxzVKBBvcSJM0aw76v0hVbHYzLtx_DfXKXINlXMFXoXQI2DUa6MG22SS9sX5rTQrX-z1ccvbxiK0JFcC9T0hDFaEDuViI0vE8UiivA1lW8K7RPA1foN/s1600/AMP+Bryant+426.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b>Nicknames: </b>Dez "Dickerson" Bryant; "Trouble Man<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>," "The Modernaire."<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: small;">*</span><span style="font-size: small;">Invoking the Toddler Clause in his contract, Jerry Jones has decided that, just like my 2-year-old niece, Bryant cannot stay out too late or drink anything bad for him. Dez Bryant is 24 years old. </span></i><br />
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Desmond had <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJhcGepfG04"><span style="color: blue;">his barrow in the marketplace</span></a>, and by "barrow" I mean "bands" and by "marketplace" I mean <a href="http://thegrio.com/2012/08/28/dallas-cowboys-ban-dez-bryant-from-drinking-strip-clubs-set-a-curfew/"><span style="color: blue;">"Magic City."</span></a> I fail to see what any of this has to do with him catching a ball and running while avoiding defenders, but the impact Dez's off-season behavior has on his teammates is just the latest in a whole mess of things that <a href="http://www.democraticunderground.com/12042526"><span style="color: blue;">Jerry Jones and I don't see eye to eye about</span></a>.<br />
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"Pacman Jones might be a rich man today," a Deadspin commenter noted re: athletes needing to be treated like children, "if there was someone hanging around him all the time trying to keep him out of trouble." Ridiculous. Incorrect. In the immortal words of Nathan Arizona, <b>"And if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass a-hoppin'."</b> Listen, the physical feats of human males are completely separable from their psychological workings and their feelings about their mothers and whether they like their strippers with tattoos or without. Dez Bryant is a grown-up, as was Pacman Jones when he was a part of the esteemed Cowboys organization. The plot of <i>Get Him to the Greek</i> as a real-life scenario with a professional athlete in the Russell Brand role is just not meant to be, guys. <br />
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<b>Pros:</b> <b style="color: #cc0000;">•</b> Pimp C being a Cowboys fan decreases some of the symptoms of acid reflux in my trachea due to my searing IRL hatred of the Cowboys. <b style="color: #cc0000;">•</b> It's kind of cool that Dez is now an NFL Cowboy after being a Cowboy at Oklahoma State, which reminds me: <b>that Mike Gundy video never gets old! </b><br />
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<b>Cons:</b> <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span> </b>Psychological trauma from an elderly man making him kiss the ring will mess with his head on game days.<b style="color: #cc0000;"> •</b> Tendinitis. (Really though, who in the NFL <i>doesn't</i> have tendinitis.)</div>
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<b>Twitter do-gooder score: <span style="color: #cc0000;">4</span>. </b>Mostly he just talks about beating his bros in Madden and tweets Bible verses. Love the bio/location up top, though: the lovely and understated "Cowboys Stadium." </div>
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Decker? I hardly know her! Now that that's out of the way:<br />
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Drafted on the strength of his head-to-neck-thickness ratio and the fact that he will be catching balls thrown by Peyton W. Manning (goofy white guy!). Decker went to Minnesota, just like Manning's beloved Tony Dungy. The fuzzy feelings this stirs up in Manning due to this association will no doubt make Decker a favorite target. I mean, I already have fuzzy feelings about all things Minnesotan due to Prince connotations. <br />
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<b>Nickname(s): </b>None so far, but if he starts to do real well I'm prepared to introduce the name "Eric Wrecker" to the world.<br />
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<b>Pros:</b> <b style="color: #cc0000;">• </b><span style="color: black;">Tall, lanky</span> <b style="color: #cc0000;">• </b><span style="color: black;">Good route runner </span><b style="color: #cc0000;">• </b>Manning. <br />
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<b>Cons: <span style="color: #cc0000;">• </span></b>CORNBALL. He and Demaryius Thomas <a href="http://www.rantsports.com/denver-broncos/2012/09/07/denver-broncos-wrs-eric-decker-demaryius-thomas-want-nickname-salt-pepper/"><span style="color: blue;">"have been trying to get the nickname 'Salt & Pepper' to stick since 2010 when they were rookie roommates."</span></a><b> <span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b><b> </b>Is a Bronco. This is inherently offensive to me, because RAIDERS ALL DAY AND SOME OF THE NIGHT AS WELL; the Chiefs, Chargers, and especially those fucking Broncos can all go to HELL (a Drake concert in Mitt Romney's backyard) but that doesn't mean I can't use them to get points in Fantasy. I want their players to fail; I want their players to kill it. On Sundays, therefore, catch me at the bar/on my couch in apt. 680/on Mom's couch, practicing some meannnnn cognitive dissonance. <br />
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<b>Do-gooder Twitter score: <span style="color: #cc0000;">6</span></b>. His shoutout to a kid with cancer is offset by relentless pushing of the VitaCoco brand, thanking a dude who said, "Just took you in my Fantasy draft," and saying, "LEZZZZZGO" in response to somebody yelling for the Golden Gophers to start the season off right. <br />
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<b>Nickname(s):</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xogecVMyNEw"><span style="color: blue;">Moore Rhymin'?</span></a> I don't know. I tossed around "Faith No Moore" for a hot sec but then I realized it's a negative phrase. I don't need any of that on the field. </div>
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<b>Pros:</b> <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span> </b> Plays for the RAIDAHS, the greatest team in professional sports according to my dad, <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcNUZrWKKA7mgtE24IuxRXQZ_nqJivf7O2hq0NozGKrpNhk6vsJZNS70GOVC2dnYHFpO7yHCwUOhD7gEwo2ibvJfMCZ_wONeUJ0nSBAx2onlh_Lim1-Ms3aq8n3xw6MPt9S2QW0Ej5-C4J/s1600/bishop+raiders+3-1.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Bishop's chest</span></a>, every Los Angeles MC in 1985, and the ghost of Al Davis. <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span> </b>Elicits mega underdog soft girly feelings in my heart<b> - </b>he's from Tatum, Texas, where <a href="http://www.city-data.com/picfilesv/picv17652.php"><span style="color: blue;">the backyards are filled with flowers</span></a>, the median household income is less than $30,000/year, and people are fond of voting against their own self-interests based on the fact that <a href="https://twitter.com/replouiegohmert"><span style="color: blue;">this guy</span></a> is their representative in Congress. I will obviously be pulling for Denarius Moore with some fiery enthusiasm this season.</div>
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<b>Cons:</b> <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b> Plays for the RAIDAHS, a terrible omen. I broke my rule about drafting no members of the team I like in my actual life, but because it's the Raiders, he'll probably rupture or tear something in his soft parts and then spend the rest of the season tweeting about it ("Coming back strong! Trainer says I'm recovering so fast it's a miracle!"). Every time I picture him while rearranging my roster in my head, he's got a raincloud over his head like Schleprock and his leg in a jacuzzi full of ice. Al's gone, though, so maybe the dark days are over? Maybe the coaches will be allowed to coach? <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/news?slug=ycn-10922106"><span style="color: blue;">Greg Knapp</span></a>, let's get it.</div>
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<b>Twitter Do-Gooder Score: <span style="color: #cc0000;">3</span>.</b> He's got the occasional shout to a kid with cancer, but his feed is identical to your cousin's at Arizona State whose current favorite song is that Tyga joint. "What's up kinfolk," "Whad up," "dm me your gamer tag," "preciate it brah," and the especially powerful "2 chainz!"</div>
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<b>Nickname:</b> Titus Andronicus. "Young Titus" is pretty good, though.</div>
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Drafted because I saw that aw, he just had a baby! and we ladies have all kinds of chemicals running through us that make us draft guys to our Fantasy team if we can picture them holding a newborn. He's also <a href="http://www.detroitlions.com/news/training-camp/article-1/Titus-Young-poised-for-a-breakout-2012-season/efe29cd4-0caa-42af-b6f8-9572cc367ad9"><span style="color: blue;">Poised for a Breakout Season</span></a>, says the completely impartial DetroitLions.com, and it's rad that he went to Uni High, <i>yet another thing</i> he has in common with Darby Crash and Kim Gordon. </div>
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<b>Pro: </b><b style="color: #cc0000;">•</b> Not Greg Little, whom I almost took. Unless of course Greg Little develops some kind of magical symmetry with QB Brandon Weeden (<a href="https://www.google.com/search?num=10&hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1280&bih=861&q=brandon+weeden&oq=brandon+weeden&gs_l=img.3..0l3j0i24l7.903.2934.0.3078.14.11.0.3.3.0.154.1205.5j6.11.0...0.0...1ac.1.dpEQ7j237_o"><span style="color: blue;">big goofy white guy!</span></a>), which will turn "not selecting Greg Little" into a Con. </div>
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<b>Cons:</b> <b style="color: #cc0000;">• </b>N<span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;">ot Calvin Johnson</span>. </span><b style="color: #cc0000;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">• </b></b>Not Nate Burleson. <b style="color: #cc0000;">•</b> Comes in at 5'11", according to the Lions' PR team. So, he's 5'9¾". <b style="color: #cc0000;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">• </b></b><span style="color: black;">I will probably drop him for Nate Washington, at which point Titus will have a string of 2-touchdown, 100-yard games because the gods don't want me to be happy.</span><b style="color: #cc0000;"><b style="color: #cc0000;"><br />
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<b>Twitter Do-Gooder Score:</b> <b style="color: #cc0000;">N/A</b>. He appears to have an account, but it's unverified. </div>
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<b>Nickname:</b> Killer Mike? Pirate Mike? Pirate Mike! </div>
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<i>Not </i>USC's Mike Williams, who, fun fact, is the proud possessor of the terribly appropriate middle name<i></i> "Troy." <i>This </i>Mike Williams will probably not be the flashiest guy on my roster, as he is competing with IRL teammate Vincent Jackson for receptions.</div>
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Pros: <span style="color: #cc0000;">• </span>Will give me ample opportunity to share my "How much does a pirate pay for corn? A BUCK AN EAR" joke after too much Ciroc <span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span> Vincent Jacskon can't catch <i>every single</i> pass, right? </div>
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Cons: <span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>•</b></span> Double-talker, according to a quick scan of his Twitter feed: <b><br />
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<b>"I'm never cutting the beard!"</b> - 07/15/12. <b> </b><br />
<b>"OK everybody I'm CUTTING THE BEARD!!!!"</b> - 08/28/12.<br />
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Ha, I kid. This is just a <i>pretend </i>Con. I still need this confirmed, but I heard once that <a href="http://jezebel.com/5940194/nicki-minaj-is-voting-for-mitt-romney-because-everything-she-raps-is-definitely-true"><span style="color: blue;">sometimes people say things that shouldn't be taken literally</span></a> (?). The beard saga was probably for preseason press, just to get his name out there and distract us from his <a href="http://tampabay.sbnation.com/tampa-bay-buccaneers/2012/7/28/3198344/mike-williams-injury-bucs-wr-carted-off-with-leg-injury"><span style="color: blue;">fragile, glasslike body</span></a>. <i>Actual </i>Con, however: his public back-and-forth with a grown lady who has chosen to call herself "Mulatto Mami." </div>
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<b>Nickname(s):</b> Stevie J, of course! Yall are ridin his bus!!</div>
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<b>Pros: <span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b><b> </b>Quick legs and a bountiful head of hair. The longer the locks, the wiser the Rasta. <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b> Playing for new coach Jeff "Fischer," who's introduced the disgusting/sexy sounding <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1201050-nfl-15-best-running-backs-for-2012-13/page/2"><span style="color: blue;">"ground and pound" offense, according to Bleacher Report</span></a>. I guess I'll believe this, even though the site doesn't know the correct spelling of Jeff Fisher. <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">• </span></b>Alum of Oregon State, just like my beautiful mother who is contractually obligated to bring up "the radness of Houshmandzadeh during the '08-'09 season" every September, getting all wistful when we're in line at Target. </div>
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<b>Cons: <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b></b> Maybe assaulted his girlfriend a few years ago, allegedly? Various articles note that she was his <i>pregnant </i>girlfriend, which on the Lady Crime Ranking Scale is up there with "not being there when you said you would" and "hanging out with Benzino all the time." <b><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b></b> His blog and Twitter feed are dull collections of inspirational cliches. "Desire, dedication & <strike>being 6'2" & having genes that have made it easy for me to build muscle</strike> determination is what's required to live a dream."</div>
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<b>Twitter Do-Gooder Score: <span style="color: #cc0000;">1</span>.</b> There's of course a pic of him at a military base, but this was with several of his teammates and a camera crew, so I'm assuming terrible things about his motivation for showing up. I see zero pleas for helping fellow humans, unless of course you've entered the Rawlings Football Sweepstakes, an event in which Steven wishes you much good fortune. Mostly Steven wants you to know that Steven is ready for a great season and Steven Steven Steven. "Everyone please join me in telling my beautiful mother happy birthday!," "It's official my fighting weight .. Haha 234.8 LBS and 5.1% body fat." I gave him 2 additional points for a kid-with-cancer tweet, then realized <b>#cancers</b> was referring to <a href="https://twitter.com/sj39/status/223464610630610944"><span style="color: blue;">his son's astrological sign</span></a> and had to take 'em back. </div>
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<b>Nickname:</b> None necessary; baddest name in the NFL. I just hope he'll come out from behind his big desk in his office in downtown Gotham in time to take the field on Sundays this season. Should I decide one day that he needs a nickname, it will certainly not be the tired old "Frank the Tank" that everyone else is going with; I shall call him The Captain, for he inhabits that role on the 49ers. (He's one of four total captains, but that doesn't make him LESS of a captain, youfeelme, also <i>yadadamean</i> since we're talking about the Bay here.)</div>
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Drafted because of his numbers, simple as that. He's little, but he's got the numbers. Physical stats in the NFL are just like those in modeling. The numbers get padded, because nobody cares enough to take the time to check. The NFL says Frank is 5'9", which means Frank is 5'7½" like most jockeys and rappers. </div>
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<b>Pro:</b> Same height as me!; i.e., destined for greatness. </div>
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<b>Con: </b>Mentioned in a Wayne song, which means that multiple times this season I will throw a Dorito at Stuart Scott's face on my TV when he's doing postgame 49er highlights. </div>
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<b>Twitter Do-Gooder Score: N/A.</b> No Twitter. </div>
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His nickname's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rolls-Royce_Trent"><span style="color: blue;">"The Engine,"</span></a> he's so young that he was born around the time Ice-T donned that floppy beanie to film scenes for <i>New Jack City</i>, and he's yet another longhair on my squad. He's also yet another guy with a hurt knee on my squad, causing much chair-gripping and teeth-gritting by this little lady while watching him run a sweep and get shoved out of bounds and fall and roll. I have a trick knee, too. <br />
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<b>Pros:</b> <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b> 21 years old. His team's awful but there's nowhere to go but up. <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">•</span></b> Trent has no Twitter account. He also plays in the city of Cleveland, where there's nothing to do - which proves he has an active inner world and a healthy imagination and probably just goes to the gym and the bookstore during training camp, leading to increased strength and focus when he suits up. These are what we refer to as "intangibles" in the sports world. </div>
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<b>Con:</b> He might not be starting against Philly in the opener. I'm not a Fantasy expert but this seems like an inefficient way to get me points during Week 1. </div>
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The Falcons aren't playing any away games against New York teams this season, so my dream of chanting <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzOhHZI_2i4"><span style="color: blue;">"T-O-N-Y invade NY, beef somethingsomething BEEF"</span></a> will have to die. Anyway, I love to hate Tony. He's durable and probably underrated so he might not get covered like, say, Gronkowski definitely will. But having this guy on my team is unpleasant because I have numerous memories of his receptions when he was on the Chiefs, playing against my beloved Raiders and then "dunking" the ball over the goalpost crossbar in a giant display of HEY I USED TO PLAY BASKETBALL, I'M 6'5"! What a goddamn showoff jerk. Fuck him. I mean, outside of him getting me Fantasy points. </div>
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<b>Nicknames:</b> "Greg Nice"; And because he's HUGE and spends a lot of time in Miami, "Blond 2 Chainz."</div>
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<b>Pros:<span style="color: #cc0000;"> •</span></b> Olsen is the very definition of my beautiful mother's favorite thing in football, a "Big white tight end who doesn't try to be too flashy." That's not racist because a white woman making a joke about white men of a certain physical type is not racist. <b style="color: #cc0000;">•</b> I now have "Radiation Vibe" in my head (Greg's from Wayne, NJ). </div>
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<b>"So now it's time to sayyyyy/WhatIforGOT to say, ba-byyyy, ba-by ba-byyyyy." </b></div>
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<b>Hi there, 1996! Missed you!</b></div>
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<b>Con:</b> He's not the Gronk. I really wanted the Gronk. </div>
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<b>Twitter Do-Gooder Score: 10. </b>See but he sneaks up on you though. His feed itself is littered with birthday wishes and pics of his baby and gratitude toward fans; then you look up and under his avatar it says <i>Founder of <a href="http://www.receptionsforresearch.org/"><span style="color: blue;">Receptions For Research Foundation</span></a></i> ("established in 2009 to provide hospitals, doctors, and researchers the necessary resources to save those affected with various types of cancers"). Greg's mom is a cancer survivor and he started the foundation in her honor and do you think Greg likes record dorks who make really good baked chicken? I know a gal who might be available. She needs a baller for the purposes of <a href="http://us.christianlouboutin.com/us_en/shop-online-3/vampanodo.html"><span style="color: blue;">these</span></a> but other than that her love don't cost a thing. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Chicago!</b></span></div>
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eXquire's from New York but he swears there's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fls6YOwYyw"><span style="color: blue;">good somethingsomething in Chicago</span></a> and I'm pretty sure it's <i><b>DEFENSE</b></i>. The Bears need to defend better against the pass rush and have old dog Brian Urlacher only for the next 5 minutes before his knee gives out and his body crumples like a Jenga tower. But they’re still ranked high because of Lance Briggs and Charles Tillman, both of whom have the names of drill sergeants, and Julius Peppers, a towering hulk of a man whose name makes me hungry. Plus Devin Hester will be returning punts again this year, I think? Everybody pray he has a great season for me, please, as this will help me forget the pain of not getting Chicago’s Matt "Rappin" Forte on my offensive squad.</div>
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<b>Pro:</b> JULIUS PEPPERS - man of strength, gentleman, lover, friend, pass rusher, <a href="http://fayobserver.com/articles/2012/08/22/1198805?sac=fo.sports"><span style="color: blue;">scholarship fairy godfather</span></a>.</div>
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<b>Cons:</b> <span style="color: red;"><b>•</b> </span>The Bears' corners and safeties are TINY - 5'8", 5'9", 5'10". Good look covering guys like the SIX FOOT FOUR A.J. Green, dummies. <span style="color: red;">•</span> The mother of one of Lance Briggs' children is named "Brittini." This isn't his fault but it's still so terrible that it belongs on the Cons list.<span style="color: red;"> •</span> Lance Briggs no longer owns a <a href="https://twitter.com/55Berger/status/237782107294949376"><span style="color: blue;">sweeeeet Continental</span></a>, affectionate hello to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UFtpSebfdg"><span style="color: blue;">Danny Brown</span></a> for the second time in the post; coincidentally, I no longer have any interest in DMing Lance Briggs naked pics of myself. </div>
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I apologize in advance <i>once again</i> for being truly insufferable for the next few months. Steve Winwood!: take me out.<br />
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Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-4432808712978804542012-07-20T10:14:00.000-07:002012-07-21T17:01:43.733-07:00Put some clothes on that ass Go to the Beat Swap Meet if you respect yourself<br />
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<b>I am <a href="http://videocafe.crooksandliars.com/david/politico-suspends-black-reporter-saying-romn"><span style="color: blue;">more comfortable around music people.</span></a> THERE, I SAID IT. Understand me.</b></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Most trained record-scavenging machines out there only need a big fat ATM withdrawal before a Beat Swap Meet. They'll usually get coffee and a muffin too, time permitting. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><i>This </i>machine, however, is a <i>lady </i>machine, with long, misbehaving hair that needs to be smoothed down. </span><span style="color: black;">Nails need to have a nice sheen like a pool of motor oil or candy paint; I know this from years of UGK listening. Coming through looking clean is the name of the game (UGK again), so I need to iron my clothes and "bring a pocketbook that matches," according to my proper southern grandma. </span><span style="color: black;"></span><span style="color: black;">Coming through smelling like cupcakes doesn't hurt either (cocoa butter-vanilla oil combo).</span><br />
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<b></b><span style="color: black;">L</span><span style="color: black;">aundry, an absolute must, is the foundation of my pre-BSM routine.</span> <span style="color: black;">(I'd take it personally if MCs ever stop rapping about the foxiness and Snuggle-fresh clothing of LA women.) </span> I went off to wash clothes the morning of June 10, bringing along an iced coffee and that silly <i>Parade </i>"magazine" that comes in the Sunday paper.<span style="color: black;"> Normally I read strictly highbrow fare while I'm at the laundromat (<i>WaxPo</i>, <i>Harper's</i>, Adario-era <i>Source, Utne</i>). </span><span style="color: black;"> I'm not embarrassed about reading <i>Parade</i>, though; I'm secure in myself. (Only God Can Judge Me, according to Pac, Master P, and Mike Bibby's calf.) Besides, <i>Parade</i> sometimes provides pretty useful bits of information - like the fact that June 10 was </span><span style="color: black;">THE GOD </span>Saul Bellow's birthday<span style="color: black;">. </span>Saul's a great writer, known for <i>Augie March</i>, a white American male alienation classic, right up there with <i>Nevermind</i>, I suppose, and <i>Labor Days</i>. But Saul <i>should </i>be known for having a perfect name for a shouty preacher (SAUL BELLOW, c'mon), and for once saying, <b>"Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door," </b>a phrase so lovely that it cannot be improved upon unless you put a squiggly bassline under it. I'm getting it tatted on my calf this weekend.<br />
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<b>Just the way <strike>players</strike> I play, all day every day. </b><br />
<b>Honestly, guys. I don't know what else to say. </b></div>
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It turns out, appropriately enough, that June 10, BSM day, new/old record-gettin day, was the god Howlin' Wolf's birthday and the g.o.d. The D.O.C.'s, too. (Not mentioned in <i>Parade</i>, though lord knows <i>they should've been</i>.)<span style="color: black;"> I came up nicely - spent around $80, got 13 records, and didn't have to travel more than 5 miles round trip from my doorstep.</span> <span style="color: black;">The high in LA was </span>76°. I smelled good (cupcakes). And I exchanged smiles with so many people, because, you see, unlike the employees of Time Warner<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>, Beat Swap Meet sellers and buyers - music people - do not find it unusual that a woman enjoys record albums.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span> "Whose records are these?" - 3 separate technicians during 3 separate visits, upon entering my apartment. </i><br />
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<b>The original-pressing "Player’s Anthem" break that's been hard to find now lives in apt. 680 (even though the <i>true </i>player’s anthem is obviously either "Freddie’s Dead" or "Superman Lover"; <a href="http://www.complex.com/music/2011/11/dj-clark-kent-tells-all-the-stories-behind-his-classic-records-part-1/junior-mafia-players-anthem-1995"><span style="color: blue;">duh, Clark Kent</span></a>. And God's favorite DJ is actually <i>Derrick May</i>. <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/DJClarkKent"><span style="color: blue;">DUH, CLARK KENT</span></a>.) </b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. The New Birth, <i>Birth Day</i> (RCA Victor, 1972). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$8.</span></b></span><br />
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It's 2012 and everyone knows Queens and Harlem are the rapping-est boroughs. But it's still fun to summon the spirit of someone jocking Brooklyn super hard in '94 and exclaim: <b>Biggie! Jeru! </b>(Clark Kent and Premier both used the "You Are What I'm All About" <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3VaA9Lam_wQ"><span style="color: blue;">pencil-tapping-the-side-of-a-mason-jar</span></a> sound!) An automatic purchase because it's an original pressing as opposed to a '90s rapstalgia reissue, I saw<i> Birth Day</i> on display when I was walking out. It was the end of the afternoon and the end of my cash supply. The allure of this damn thing made me trot (ha, J/K; I sashay) across the street to the ATM to pull out more cash and come back. John was the seller's name, I think. <b>Thank you, John. The freshness of your Van Exel jersey was not lost on me.</b><br />
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<b>"HAPPY LISTENING FOR YOU AND ME."</b></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kW00e_fQIRU"><span style="color: blue;">Their cover of Womack's "I Can Understand It"</span></a> opens the album. Lovely. The New Birth version lacks the crucial <b><i>"yeah-uh"</i></b> that kills me <i>every time</i> in the original <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOcmdyf2PNI"><span style="color: blue;">(01:11)</span></a>, but when a DJ at the swap meet played "Across 110th St." while my weak arms were struggling with the weight of record bags during my exit walk to the car, it was a clear sign that I <i>had to get something Womackian</i> before I left. I was raised by leftist heathens in a weed den, but even <i>I</i> have to give in when God and all the angels send a message directly to me ("Womack, Logan. WOMACK"). And there was John, suddenly, with his clean copy of <i>Birth Day</i> to sell me. "You Are What I'm All About" (Biggie and Jeru) and "Got to Get a Knutt" (De La, PE, Doom!) are the rap-break superstars, but there's <i>so much</i> material on this record to be mined. More use should be made out of "Buck and the Preacher," for example. Current producers are scared to compete with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ehLZX-8U-s"><span style="color: blue;">G Rap and Large Pro</span></a>, obviously, and this is why none of them have tried to chop and loop it. What an air-tight theory. Except that <i>nobody but me and the Ego Trip guys and you currently reading this blog post even think about G Rap or Large Pro or anyone else in AARP anymore</i>, unless there's a lawsuit involved and we're <i>forced </i>to care out of loyalty to the old dogs and our mutual hatred of Mac Miller. Twitter stuntery and ass injections are mostly the move in the industry now, with the scary, cold eyes of Riff Raff overseeing it all. Everybody get ready for my "Cashin Out" freestyle, which the world definitely needs. <br />
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<i>Birth Day</i>'s other standout is "Easy, Evil." (Sorry; no link.) It's a better song <i>title </i>than actual <i>song</i>, a feat last accomplished by The Dirty Projectors' "Gun Has No Trigger," but it's got this weird, sexy line <a href="http://www.pandora.com/new-birth/birth-day-its-been-long-time/easy-evil"><span style="color: blue;">"Sometimes I don't know what I'm doin' 'til I'm done,"</span></a> which would be <i>perfect</i> as a UGK hook. It doesn't matter that Chad isn't around! He's <a href="http://soundcloud.com/big-boi/gossip-big-boi"><span style="color: blue;">still around, kinda!</span></a> He resurfaces every couple of years like a new Batman movie! (It <i>does </i>matter that K.R.I.T. is way more interesting when he produces than when he raps. What am I to do about this? Somebody, please.)<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Person on this record around whom I'd probably feel most comfortable: </b>Harvey Fuqua, New Birth's producer and the uncle of <i>Training Day</i> director Antoine. Harvey's got lots of music industry tales I'd love to hear, details about Berry Gordy making <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YvAYIJSSZY"><span style="color: blue;">out-of-wedlock babies</span></a>. And he co-wrote and -produced Edwin Starr's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hi0nFlUeN0o"><span style="color: blue;">"25 Miles,"</span></a> road trip playlist heaven. Plus I might be able to get him to call his nephew so I can find out whatever happened to Alonzo's stunning black Monte Carlo<i>. </i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zd1GwV5G5Vo"><span style="color: blue;">I still send that thing love letters and naked pics of myself. </span></a><b><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Clark Kent, Premier. And <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNiAOz5PxJo"><span style="color: blue;">Daniel Dumile</span></a>, provided that I can compose myself in his presence and not shake like a naked Chihuaha. (Unlikely.) <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Free line for the taking: </b>"Beatin down Joey Bada$$es/Cracks in stacks and masses," my take on that one part from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKDtR3ZV5Wg"><span style="color: blue;">"Player's Anthem."</span></a> It'll turn up on a fake-diss track that Joey's A&R suggests to Action Bronson's people, to reignite the Queens v Brooklyn flame, with the end result of course being promo and profit. Remember where you heard it first! I'm also working on a post-iPad-world version of "My mind's my nine, my pen's my Mac-10," a line that's so old-timey, Big might as well be talking about his quill and inkwell. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Feminist points:</b> Minimal. The New Birth had a strong female contingency, but the men were the ones in control of the writing, production, and marketing. And when it comes to The New Birth breaks-usage, there's little to be thrilled about in terms of feminist deconstruction. Jeru's voice is legendary; that authoritative tone really does it for me. Maybe I have a thing about being dominated, but maybe I just admire his ability to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8e76XpXD1o"><span style="color: blue;">flow beautifully while looking bored with his own genius</span></a>. Jeru’s judgment about the way ladies choose to dress themselves, however, is awful. "Skin-tight jeans, everything all exposed"; then the hook kicks in, blah blah, preach, not in my house, young lady. Groan. <i>Dad raps are the absolute worst</i>, even when there's a Premier beat involved. The ladies of the '90s apparently needed to be reprimanded for letting their asses show. Good thing it's 2012 and I'm grown. Settle down with the slut lectures, J. <br />
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<b>Side B, track 2: "Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child." Sometimes <i>I</i> feel like I already heard someone say that, and it was on a song by GHOSTFACE. Nice try, biting-ass El Chicano.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. El Chicano, <i>Viva Tirado</i> (Kapp, 1970). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$7.</span> </b></span><br />
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Bullfighting, in the words of Chicago fetus Chief Keef, is that shit we ladies DON’T LIKE. For the record, we do not care for those Subway commercials with adults talking like little kids, being cold, Mitt Romney, Drake, or people coming at us crazy (which includes Mitt and Drake, politically- and musically-speaking) either. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ewd60pv261k"><span style="color: blue;">"Viva Tirado"</span></a> is about a bullfighter. Cringe. I don't like. However, it is a scientific <i>fact </i>that women love drums in general, and women with exceptional hips love congas. So when the god Andre Baéza enters the picture, bullfighting somehow becomes tolerable. Women with exceptional hips and great taste in music genuinely love the musical productions of Scoop DeVille - the son of the man whose hit song is based on "Viva Tirado" (there's <a href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20width=%22640%22%20height=%22390%22%20src=%22http://www.youtube.com/embed/p30DUmx9v3Q%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen%3E%3C/iframe%3E"><span style="color: blue;">baby Scoop at 00:31 and throughout!</span></a>). Tony G, an LA institution like Fred Roggin and dads at the mall in Kobe jerseys, produced "La Raza" and "Mentirosa" which means that, like me, he was cool with Mexicans <i>and </i>Cubans. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Feminist points?:</b> I can't think of anything overtly feminist about this album. Tangentially, however, I could point out that the liner notes mention that it was recorded at at 3840 Crenshaw. Formerly a restaurant, the address is now home to a Social Security office - which, in providing benefits that act as a safety net for thousands of LA women and their families, is a place with feminist/humanist connnotations.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for Bonding With:</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ds7d3piK54"><strike style="color: blue;">Houston</strike></a> Los Angeles old heads. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable: </b>Baéza, the conga player. Drummers just understand me. <br />
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<b>Nov. 25, 1970. Reagan’s just been reelected governor of my state, and it’s not even the <i>cool</i> Reagan who wears <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8-RmM5py1c&feature=player_detailpage#t=531s"><span style="color: blue;">checkered Vans</span></a>. The prosecution has just rested in the Manson trial. The city seems a little, I don’t know…tense? On the plus side, "Super Bad (part 1)" is #1 on the charts, and Pharoah records <i>Thembi</i> at the Record Plant. Then he goes and stands on some rocks and looks at the ocean like Madlib's weird old uncle who rents a room in Port Hueneme.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Pharoah Sanders, <i>Thembi</i> (Impulse!, 1971). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$14.</span></b></span><br />
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Listen, the jazz cat knows women. <b>"This album is dedicated to and named after Thembi Sanders,"</b> it says in the upper-right corner of the inside (gatefold!) cover. This is a classic "I love you, wife" dedication and I am powerless against its charms. While nothing tops the <i>Tess, Tess, Tess, Tess, Tess</i> dedication from bookwriting cat Raymond Chandler, <i>the jazz cat knows women.</i> Create something, name it after us: become immortal in our hearts. <br />
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$14 is normally outside of my price range but I absolutely had to have this record. <i>Thembi</i>'s got a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niMmltuDaio"><span style="color: blue;">KMD break</span></a> <i>and </i>Lonnie Liston Smith, two things that occupy the "obsessions" part of my brain. It also boasts old-timey names like Cecil McBee and Clifford Jarvis on the credits (bass and "bird noises," and percussion, respectively), both of whom sound like they were either quarterbacks for the ’52 Packers or members of the ’71 Globetrotters.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Feminist points:</b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span>Lillian Douma, a LADY, was a co-engineer on this record, making her the Syd tha Kid of the '70s jazz world! (This is how I explain it to my 13-year-old cousin, to try to get him interested in '70s jazz). For extra credit, there were female pharaohs in ancient Egypt, so Sanders gets feminist points just by association.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">LOL:</b> "Production and engineering by Bill Szymczyk," a man whose name'll get you 500 points on Words with Friends. He produced people like The James Gang and Bill Walsh, and then right in the middle of his discography is this Pharoah Sanders record. Love it. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Weird old jazz guys who close their eyes when they're talking to you and trying to remember details about that show at The Lighthouse in '61. And Dante Ross, on account of the KMD factor - though Dante would not allow any bonding to take place because that would interrupt his constant name-droppery. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable:</b> Lonnie Liston Smith, astronaut and boss - bosstronaut - whose credits on <i>Thembi</i> include "Fender Rhodes" and "shouts." Delightful. There's also an appearance by Chief Bey on this album. He is Mos Def's uncle, maybe. <br />
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<b>LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE. Art Blakey said, </b><b>"Whatever truth drops on, it eventually grinds to a powder," which you'll recognize as the inspiration for my future coke-paranoia-themed mixtape (<i>Truth to Powder</i>). Harry Fraud, send me some beats.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. Art Blakey & the Jazz Messengers, <i>3 Blind Mice</i> (Blue Note, 1962). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$4.</span></b></span><br />
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I recommend <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqdEL4ehmFI" style="color: blue;">Tom Cat</a> </i>for true Blakey percussive loveliness, but <i>3 Blind Mice</i>'s personnel includes THE GOD Wayne Shorter, plus THE GOD <a href="http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-chop-some-parsley-while-listening-to-art-blake/"><span style="color: blue;">Billy Collins wrote a poem about it</span></a>, <i>plus </i>it's got face sweat on the cover along with Art looking heavenward. I had to get this. The Muslim held most dear in apt. 680 is Ghosty. (He's a Sunni.) But the Muslim with the best <i>album-cover face sweat </i>is Art Blakey. <br />
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The nursery rhyme about the mice has a truly horrific story of origin <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Pop-Goes-Weasel-Albert-Jack/dp/1846141443"><span style="color: blue;">(a Catholic queen murdering Protestant dissenters)</span></a>, which just serves to make it more entertaining and tragic. This is simply the power of melody - it'll make you forgive a horrible story that angers you, or just make it go down a little easier, in what feminists such as myself know as the He's Not Talking About Me Theory (ho raps, violence-against-hoes raps, side-chick raps - they are pleasing and fun, because the MC is never talking about me). Today I'm referring to it as The Wham! Theory. "Everything She Wants" is a song about a greedy whore whom a poor, defenseless man marries. He's captain-save-em. The man takes 4 whole minutes to whine and cry about it, the material is so morally repugnant, there's really no point to the song at all, <i>and it just fucking bangs so hard</i>, with fun chord progressions and that great synth-y bass from what I'm told is the Linn LM-1? (Dave Tompkins with the future information-confirmation assist here. Thanks in advance, Dave!). I'm trying to think of a way I can draw parallels between Art's hard bop (jazz influenced by R&B, with more hip-friendly, bluesy rhythms than bebop) and Wham!'s shiny, electronic, we're-not-gay-we're-just-British pop of the '80s. Who says you need an profound reason for an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yf_Lwe6p-Cg"><span style="color: blue;">"Everything She Wants"</span></a> interlude, though? And how come George Michael never gets credit for his production skills? <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Cornel West, Pete Rock, Madlib, Mark Gonzales, David Byrne, skate shop employees in Portland and SF.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable:</b> Wayne Shorter, superboss and the Jazz Messengers' musical director, who once said, <b>"If all you have in life is music, then you haven't got music."</b> I feel comfortable around music people who are secure enough in their musical-ness to say things like this. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. <i>The Sons</i> (Capitol, 1969). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$9.</span> </b></span><br />
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This one's got a break used by charming pornographic goofballs The Beatnuts, who'll remind you that rappening <i>is</i>, in fact, what’s happening. Or at least it was back when Relativity Records was poppin. To get that simple, clean melody for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMW7ssN89IE"><span style="color: blue;">"Straight Jacket,"</span></a> the boys slowed down The Sons' "Boomp Boomp Chomp" - a song with the satisfying one-two punch of a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRGPo_Z6tcU"><span style="color: blue;">Dilla-esque title</span></a> and a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtrVEneQ300&feature=player_detailpage#t=400s"><span style="color: blue;">quick, sustained hi-hat</span></a> that makes me file it in the same place in my head as the intro of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XEmFuEbpzM&feature=player_detailpage#t=7s"><span style="color: blue;">"Boogie Nights"</span></a> and that k-Os song, based on a "Hot Music." Marsalis! <br />
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<b>I play "Hot Music" when <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OC_SYu8gXhc&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">Clams</span></a> comes over, just to remind him of the sound DRUMS make. But then he just goes back to making those <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJz-PoNJ5zM"><span style="color: blue;">"Eyes Without a Face"</span></a>-ish instrumentals because that's how he stays paid.</b></div>
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After forming the Sons of Champlin, then disbanding it, Bill Champlin became a member of Chicago. It was pre-"I’m a Man" and -<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJMw8cUGjwI"><span style="color: blue;">"Street Player"</span></a> Chicago, though, so that fact is a bit of a throwaway. He <i>did</i> cowrite EWF’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0lpityVOiE"><span style="color: blue;">"After the Love is Gone,"</span></a> which proves that just because a man looks like a cross between <a href="https://www.google.com/search?num=10&hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&q=bill+champlin&oq=bill+champlin&gs_l=img.3..0j0i24l9.460.2438.0.2664.13.10.0.3.3.0.118.1025.4j6.10.0...0.0.vZ46XViyats&biw=1366&bih=622&sei=USP5T9TEA8j-2QWCqL2CBw"><span style="color: blue;">Huey Lewis and Ian McKellen</span></a> you shouldn't assume he can't write a floaty '70s makeup sex jam. Bill Champlin also convinced an entire band to call themselves his <i>sons</i>, a feat that I dare you <i>not </i>to respect. Champlin sonned his bandmates, then ordered them to do <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KHtz5nriLs"><span style="color: blue;">this song</span></a>, best one on the album.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> JuJu, Les, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGag5rQdUBg"><span style="color: blue;">C-Rayz Walz</span></a>. I don't know how often I'll listen to <i>The Sons. </i>If I clamor for white men who bleed funk, I'm listening to The Talking Heads or AWB or The Mothers. But it was a great find - a rare original pressing, including the lyrics booklet with pictures of unshowered Americans of European descent just like the ones who live next door and breathe up all my air at Trader Joe's.<br />
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<b>Oh hey Justin and Sara and Ben! WHAT'S GOOD.</b></div>
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<b>The Duke of Earl and The Iceman just walkin through the woods together in some tweed and leather, probably writing some hits. No big deal.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>6. Gene Chandler & Jerry Butler, <i>one & one</i> (Mercury, 1971). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$4. </span></b></span><br />
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Do you speak fluent Yancey? You are basically telling the world that you do if you bought this after 2005.<i> </i><br />
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Gene and Jerry didn't really dominate any hearts or ears with <i>one & one</i>, probably because it was 1971. Marvin and Sly and Funkadelic were doing it absolutely to death at the time. It's hard to compete with <i>Maggot Brain,</i> you feel me. But Gene, the voice, had THE voice. Akon's got Gene's picture in his wallet like a prayer card. He stares at it before he goes into the booth to try to reach that upper-register sweet spot, solid and high (Barrington Levy; Frankie Lymon; the guy from Supertramp). Jerry, the songwriter, is from Chicago and has always insisted on putting his own voice on recordings despite its limitations, instead of letting his gifts as songwriter/arranger simply send his messages to the world. Jerry Butler's the Kanye of Cabrini-Green.<br />
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<i>one & one</i> lacks any true bangers, but good lord: Dilla Dilla Dilla. It's comforting to think that his beats continue to inspire the diggingest of diggers and the J Dilla Foundation continues to get donations because of this man's beloved status - even if me buying a 40-year-old record on a lovely June Sunday results in no funds actually ending up at the organization. (I am also comforted to think that Nate Dogg's family is maybe getting some extra money from the licensing of "Till I Collapse" from the <i>Savages </i>trailer that shows every 12 minutes on my television. The music industry is fair and nobody ever gets fucked over. Rainbows, kittens!)<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Notes from an annoyed feminist: </b><i>Women love the voice</i>, according to Q-Tip, who is from Queens but is not Action Bronson, Nore, Simon, Garfunkel, or Monch, so I'm not all that familiar with his work.<i> Brothers dig the lyrics</i>. How silly! What a limiting thing to say! Linden Boulevard, you lost me with that one. Disrupting Q-Tip's entire theory, I adore the talents of Gene (voice) and Jerry (lyrics) equally, <i>even though I am a lady</i>. My male buddies feel the same way about Gene and Jerry, enjoying each man's contributions irrespective of anatomy. We all need to taste life, enjoying it fluidly, unbound by gender roles or societal constraints. Let's be swingers, ok? But just when it comes to DatPiff and our record collections. Voice, lyrics: love it all. Kittens, rainbows.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b><span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span>Ha, Dilla nerds. (</span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rj6c2_c1NFk"><span style="color: blue;">"You Just Can't Win"</span></a><span style="color: black;"> is the grandpa, or maybe the wise old uncle?, of </span><a href="http://www.stonesthrow.com/store/album/jdilla/donuts-album"><span style="color: blue;">"Glazed"</span></a><span style="color: black;">). Owning this record means you've signed up for a lifetime of bonding with these people. Good luck with that. They're nice enough; just a little intense.</span></div>
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<b>If your nickname is "Fats" you're either a jazz professional or a large, inept man in Miami who insists on releasing grunt raps. </b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">7. Lou Donaldson, <i>Mr. Shing-A-Ling</i> (Blue Note, 1967). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$11.</span></span></b><br />
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<i>HOLY HELL IDRIS MUHAMMAD ON DRUMS, back when he was Leo Morris</i>, went the shout of the outspoken lady who lives inside my head when I saw the unmistakable pink and green on the cover. The real-life me, however, said nothing, due to being raised right (taught not to scream like an idiot in public). I just clutched this one to my lovely bosom and asked how much. Original pressing; I thought it would be at least $20. Nope - just above $10! And all I had to do was trade sexual favors! FEMINISM, YALL.<br />
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"Ode to Billie Joe" is the reason for this purchase, with <strike>Idris'</strike> Leo's shuffly drums making me feel like I'm in the marching band if the marching band were made of Bond girls in bikinis who are librarians in their spare time, think about Wham! songs at work, and happen to love coke raps. Snare snare, shuffle shuffle shuffle, til it gets to that liquid center around 02:40, the hot magma. That's when the bass kicks in and I realize I'm not meant to be in a marching band; <i>what was I thinking.</i> I'm meant to take Stage 2 at Magic City. Throb throb, bassbass throb.<br />
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Ignore the fact that the woman who wrote the song was not actually named Bobbie Gentry and probably didn’t have any working-class southern roots. Her father was definitely a senator, Republican of course, and she went to prep school and once kissed a black guy so she felt like she could write songs about struggle and heartache. She made millions. That’s just how the music industry works, sweetie. Even in 1968. Wake up. Bobbie was a <a href="https://www.google.com/search?num=10&hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&q=bobbie+gentry&oq=bobbie+gentry&gs_l=img.3..0l10.376.1901.0.2101.13.10.0.2.2.0.153.1069.3j7.10.0...0.0.1rmmPORz59A&biw=1366&bih=622&sei=uAb6T_HmIYmH2AX5q4nXBg"><span style="color: blue;">semi-cold piece of work, however, with all that big black hair</span></a>. Plus she wrote her own material and lived my fantasy life of lounging in some tight pants with nothing but her daydreams and a hi-fi to keep her company, and for this I must respect her.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Kutmasta Kurt. ("Ode to Billie Joe" begat <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVzTrO5RnWA"><span style="color: blue;">"Sex Style"</span></a>). <b style="color: #cc0000;">Feminist points:</b> KEITH THORNTON. Bisexuals on stage eating Fruit Loops, pornographic thespians, the ladyboys of Thailand: Kool Keith is accepting of all types of femininity, and he's one of the top 10 most feminist MCs ever*. Raps by guys like Keith and El-P and Danny Brown will always be more inherently feminist than those by Drake, because they don't pander to us.<br />
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* Just relax, think, let it marinate. I'll do a full explanatory blog post in the future if you guys beg for it.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>8. Cold Blood, <i>Thriller!</i> (Reprise, 1973). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$5.</span></b></span><br />
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I clearly got a bad copy of this, because I see <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-H1mCEAoiA"><span style="color: blue;">ZERO songs produced by Quincy Jones</span></a>, hey-oooo. You've been a great audience! GOODNIGHT. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Impossible: </b>The first 10 seconds of <span id="goog_2137276830"></span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE5U5DK5rjw"><span style="color: blue;">"Kissing My Love"<span id="goog_2137276831"></span></span></a> has allegedly only been looped once or twice on major-label rap songs (??). IMPOSSIBLE. Im possible. Internet, you a goddamn liar.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">I am not allowing my hips to reach their full potential because:</b> I have yet to walk down the street to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4JzqBr3QNY"><span style="color: blue;">this</span></a>. Too busy walking down the street to <a href="http://grandgood.com/2012/07/02/nas-feat-large-professor-loco-motive/"><span style="color: blue;">this</span></a>. (The entire melodic structure and overall hotness of "Loco-Motive" makes up for the previous release from that new Nas album, the Rawse-tainted "Accident Murderers." That's the one with Nas' line about dudes who "rubbed each other wrong like a bad massage," which is terrible and should be relegated to that inevitable Bieber collab.) <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Hustlenomics professor:</b> ME. Finding <i>Thriller!</i> at all is rare; finding<i> Thriller! </i>for $5 in the middle of a major city, surrounded by record dorks who want it so bad, is the result of such a tight hustle that people assume I am tricking or have a record shop connection. I have neither; it's just the patience hustle, sprinkled with a little dumb-luck hustle. <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best hustle of all</b>, though, is the one belonging to Cold Blood's singer Lydia Pense. She got the band to name their 1974 album <i>Lydia</i>. TIGHT WORK, doll. This would be like Curren$y getting the 504 Boyz to name one of their albums <i>Shante Franklin</i>.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for Bonding With: </b><span style="color: black;">Dudes who love everything embodied by Cold Blood - breakbeats, the Bay Area, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZQYV9njOu4"><span style="color: blue;">songs about getting down</span></a>, </span><span style="color: black;">and yellow-haired ladies who show their midriffs</span><span style="color: black;">. So, Danny Brown. </span> <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">9. Chairmen of the Board, <i>Bittersweet </i>(<strike>"Fuck Off, Motown"</strike> Invictus, 1972).<span style="color: #cc0000;"> $12.</span></span></b> </div>
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Shoutout to greedy bastard Berry Gordy, who is directly responsible for this album. <br />
(Money disputes. Control disputes. Of courrrrrse. Berry doesn't enter into disputes about anything else, silly.)<br />
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I'd also like to thank Berry for my girls The Honey Cone and Parliament's <i>Osmium </i>- two things that directly resulted from the Great <a href="http://www.waxpoetics.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/dozier-spread.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Holland-Dozier-Holland Middle-Finger-to-Hitsville Peace-Out of 1968.</span></a> You have to assume that some of the Chairmen's songs, exceedingly Motown-ish in melodic structure, sprang from the house of Gordy, though. "Men Are Getting Scarce" has one of those tense, panicky openings at which H-D-H-at-Motown excelled (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pVM00eoohI&feature=relmfu"><span style="color: blue;">"Bernadette,"</span></a> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3bjMtqpGBw"><span style="color: blue;">"You Keep Me Hangin' On,"</span></a> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oSYhNVaHwY"><span style="color: blue;">"Standing in the Shadows of Love"</span></a>).</div>
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It's not their fault, but Chairmen of the Board get feminist points deducted because <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMfxQq1GCMg"><span style="color: blue;">"Give Me Just a Little More Time"</span></a> is used on that goddamn mop commercial about a lady whose life is passing her by because she cannot stand living with a dirty floor. <i>That fucking floor rules her entire world.</i> Even when she gets the new, quick-use mop, allowing her lots of free time, she chooses to spend this time sitting on her front porch with a cold drink because the housechore goblins have stripped her of all life-force. Blaming Berry Gordy for this whole charade just feels right, so let's go with that. Anyway, the lady <i>should </i>be using her free time having a super-hot love affair and then going through some heartache, with the closing move of walking away from her man in slow motion, looking at him over her shoulder while "Bittersweet" plays. Please erase any <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35c8IW0vsSE"><span style="color: blue;">Kanye associations</span></a> from your brain and only acknowledge this, the one true version, complete with heavenly tempo change right around the 2-minute mark, hands in the air if you ever been in love of the hurtin' kind, C'MON:<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Kanye West. Lucky me.<br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">Also suitable for bonding</b> with Lee Stone, who used a Chairmen break on Method Man's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSzgE6jMdls"><span style="color: blue;">"The Motto."</span></a> I wouldn't be able to pick Lee Stone out of a room of people, but I love him for being Nyshiem Myrick's production sidekick and somehow never becoming a member of The Hitmen and padding Sean Combs' bank account. That's some integrity, Lee Stone. A person still listening to Method Man in ’04 probably also has plenty of integrity, along with an intense loyalty I shall never possess. I’m pretty sure the rest of us gave up on Mef around ’99-? He owned ’94 and maintained his stats for the next 4 or 5 years, rap game Olajuwon. And now he is old and has the classic old-rapper-problems duo of irrelevance and unpaid back taxes.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">10. E.L.O., <i>Face the Music</i> (United Artists, 1975). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$2. </span></span></b></div>
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MECHANIC ROCK, YALL. I know <i>so many</i> of this stupid band's songs from my time spent waiting in the lobby at Jiffy Lube.<br />
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E.L.O.'s got evil cachet but it's that crazy-old-person concept of evil (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iz844L-UjrY&feature=player_embedded"><span style="color: blue;">Satanic backmasking</span></a>). It's a clownish, silly kind of evil. So it makes total sense that El-P, supergrouch and master deconstructor of concepts, uses "Fire on High" for a break in a song about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuYf2-B2wAc&feature=player_embedded"><span style="color: blue;">the way life wears a man down to the point that he keeps razors and angel dust on his person</span></a>, I mean the whole song's so serious that it does a loop-back and somehow becomes clownish and surreal, two of El-P's fave things, next to cigarettes, the word <i>fuck</i>, his cat, and Cipro.<br />
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E.L.O.'s also got the '70s prog hair, and Jeff Lynne produced some pretty good Tom Petty stuff (though Lynne is no <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4nPa35CZPI"><span style="color: blue;">Iovine</span></a> or <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aowSGxim_O8"><span style="color: blue;">Rubin</span></a> when it comes to Tom Petty production). This is an impressive list of facts about E.L.O. Impressive indeed. It's just that this doesn't solve the case of my missing enjoyment. I own 3 or 4 of their records because I'm open-minded and willing to give anyone a chance. But they are terrible. I mean, in the words of headband aficionado and current global analysis object Frank Ocean, <i>Sweet baby Jesus, E.L.O. is a terrible, boring band.</i><br />
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"Evil Woman" sucks, apart from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R20f-TPKjzc"><span style="color: blue;">that banging piano intro</span></a>. On the feminist front, I cannot legitimately complain about the "Evil Woman" lyrics, because they are too stupid to entertain. "Ha ha, woman - what you gonna do/You destroyed all the virtues that the lord gave you," goes this terrible piece of music written by professional songwriters with Romney-sized buckets of money, "It's so good that you're feeling pain/But you better get your face on board the very next train." Just my face, E.L.O.? Or the rest of me too? I'm awarding "Evil Woman" <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Feminist Song of my record haul</b>, just to annoy the band because this is the opposite intention with which "Evil Woman" was written. Ha ha, E.L.O. Women have all kinds of tricks up inside of us. You're just scratching the surface, dummies.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">I would not have purchased this record were it not for: </b><br />
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<b>"Special thanks to: Ellie Greenwich." <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cE_jOD2Fxvs"><span style="color: blue;">AMEN</span></a>, BROTHER.</b><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> El-P, as if I need <i>yet another thing</i> over which to bond with him when we run into each other at that store that sells Camels, Chomsky books, black-market iPad replacement parts, cat food, sandwiches, and old DAT machines in pristine condition.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Also suitable for bonding with</b> Curren$y. It says "Copyright Jet Music" on the credits, which is a 1975 nod to the empire Curren$y would build 3 decades later. Here's hoping this post gets seen by one or both of these men, because I'd love a Curren$y x El-P something, and I am <i>not referring to a song in which one of them gets a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysEJcdt3-Qg"><span style="color: blue;">"featuring" credit by simply chanting the hook.</span></a></i> I am comfortable and cozy around music people, but THE WORD "FEATURING" USED INCORRECTLY is lowdown and dirty. Until you can convince Premier to go back and re-title it <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9lNbNGbo24"><span style="color: blue;">"Mass Appeal (feat. Da Youngstas),"</span></a> the Hook Chant shall cease to merit a "featuring" credit. Good day. </div>
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<b>NOT EVER.</b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">11. Pato Banton, <i>Never Give In</i> (Primitive Man, 1987). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$1.</span></span></b> </div>
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THIS IS TO ALL YOU FUCKIN BUGGED OUT COKE HEADS, someone comment-shouts under <a href="http://www.youtube.com/all_comments?v=cln4UTA5wzA"><span style="color: blue;">"Don't Sniff Coke."</span></a> This is an individual who understands that coke always brings with it, to steal a NBA-draft-day phrase from Jeff Van Gundy describing the Washington Wizards, <i>a huge knucklehead factor.</i> Freeze, rock, etc. Don't do it. It would be nice to say that I grew up on Pato, my parents had a deep appreciation for the intricate rhythms of UK and Jamaican reggae and finding this record in the dollar bin was like getting a piece of my childhood back. Alas, no. <b>Everybody, including me, snatches <i>Never Give In</i> outta the dollar bin because of "The Sounds of Science."</b> C'mon. I'm not a complicated woman. That song also made me get a Range Rover and drop an orange like Galileo. Plus I have a fondness for not giving in, not ever. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIr1VrgZHd0"><span style="color: blue;">Jimmy V taught me.</span></a> And really you can't go wrong with buying anything with the (fake) last name <i>Banton </i>on the cover. [Same rule for the (real) last name Hayes. Lil Scrappy is whining all over the TV in 2012 but I can make lemonade out of his whiny southern lemons by savoring good old snappy <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxFGhQsaSwI"><span style="color: blue;">"Money in the Bank,"</span></a> produced by Isaac's son and accompanied by a video fulla Banner screwface.] <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Josh in apt. 694, who works at the dispensary. Josh, like me, prefers live instrumentation to digi-riddims but Josh, like me, cannot resist the digi-seductions of "Hello Tosh."<br />
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<b>"Mr Pato, you’re a lyric computer/I can find no fault with you whatsoever/How'd you like to earn yourself a quick fiver?/Just repeat that line into my tape recorder."</b></div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;"><i>Jeopardy! </i>fact that somehow I was unaware of before this post:</b> "Sensimilla" comes from the Spanish words for "without" <i>(sin)</i> and "seed" <i>(similla)</i>. "Coke" comes from the Spanish word for "knucklehead."<br />
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<b>"Any color you want, but it'd be, like, blue and cream." GET EM WITH THOSE WALLYS, RICHARD ASHCROFT! I also approve of that Sen Dog/SBQ/Smoke DZA/EPMD on the cover of <i>Unfinished Business</i>/Omar Epps in <i>Juice</i> bucket hat. </b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>12. The Verve, <i>Urban Hymns</i> (Virgin, 1997). <span style="color: #cc0000;">Price classified, like that Sade record I bought a few months ago. </span></b></span><br />
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Contrary to what <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToQ0n3itoII"><span style="color: blue;">track 4</span></a> says, everybody knows that the drugs actually <i>do</i> work. They work nicely. <i>Urban Hymns</i>'s strings make it fancy, the lyrics make it Caucasian-mopey, and there are just enough drug songs to satisfy. That song "The Rolling People" is about me and my slutty cousin Natalie hanging out with Juicy J and some yellow pokeballs backstage. <br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH6TJU0qWoY"><span style="color: blue;">"Lucky Man"</span></a> is the best song on here, prime material for an R&B god to do a version of that makes me cry and want to take my clothes off, but I'd be a fool to ignore the epic influence of walking-down-the-street banger "Bittersweet Symphony." Rocky rapped over it; I don't remember a single bar but I'm sure there was something about purple stuff and his stunning beauty. Though successful, this whole Pretty thing remains a tiresome branding technique. Anyway, thinking of Rocky in combination with hearing Naughty By Nature's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2cVkWIRHnQ"><span style="color: blue;">"Craziest"</span></a> on KDAY yesterday has really crystallized my discomfort regarding the lack of a Treach-like flow in 2012. We have Texas flows from New Yorkers and '90s flows from 17-year-olds, so seems appropriate that we should have a new, baby Treach on the come-up. Let's go, random baby-voiced teenage girls in Florida with laptop cameras. Rap game's yours for the taking.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> the same jazz guys I bonded with over Pharoah Sanders and Art Blakey, plus Madlib, because they all think I mean Verve Records when really I'm talking about THEEE Verve. Sigh. It's hard to talk to space cadets.<br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">Also suitable for bonding with</b> people who enjoy making fun of diminutive professional rapper Big Sean, who is like 5'8", <i>maybe </i>5'9" at the most. Replace every one of his "swerve"s with "VERVE" and you can magically turn "Mercy" into one hell of a song.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Yawn:</b> The boring courtroom-bitchery history of "Bittersweet Symphony." The Verve v. The Stones is no Prince Paul v. The Turtles, trust me.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Person around whom I'd feel most comfortable:</b> Ashcroft, the band's chief songwriter. He doesn't play bass or drums so I will not be having sex with him. We'll just hang out and talk about Leonard Cohen.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>13. Black Science Orchestra, "New Jersey Deep" 12" [Junior Boy's Own, 2003 (originally '94, though)]. <span style="color: #cc0000;">99¢. </span> </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">If this purchase needed justification, that justification would go in this space. </span><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Suitable for bonding with:</b> Other carbon-based life forms who have ears and a soul and are constantly dodging the wolves of insignificance. <br />
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My guiding philosophy of the day at the BSM could've easily been <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOw1CkcQ_OE"><span style="color: blue;">"I like nice shit and I know how to get it/Hustle, dumbass. It's not rocket science or Quantum Physics."</span></a> Nobody likes a dude who brings 2 Chainz or Wiz along, but aside from that, Curren$y's got that slurry charisma and he's fantastic, my personal motivational speaker, a tiny Tony Robbins from the bayou who loves a classic Chevelle. His motivational speeches were in my car speakers during the drive to the venue; "Nice shit" refers to records available for purchase; "hustle" might mean Girl I would suggest you bring your hips, but because I am a feminist and I was raised right plus I'm just really shy, this is a corny as hell negotiation technique that I never employ. During the BSM, it was Bellow's words that turned out to have more staying power in my brain, though. Do your best, wolves; new memories tied to these records are pending, as we speak. Music persons of Los Angeles and parts nearby: see you guys at the next one!<br />
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</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-21446876267457755992012-06-20T14:33:00.000-07:002012-06-20T18:42:36.889-07:00"They're never gonna know that I move like hell" (why D'Angelo covering that Zeppelin song makes ridiculously perfect sense)<br />
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The story goes that swans are silent their entire lives, then cry out once, only when they are dying.<br />
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It’s not a <i>true </i>story, mind you—swans are loud and make grating <i>honk </i>noises—but it’s pretty and sad, and that’s why we hold onto it. In 1974, Led Zeppelin named their sparkling new post-Atlantic label Swan Song in tribute to the (untrue) swan-death myth. The label’s logo, a winged, brolic angel crying in pain, is taken from <a href="http://www.bridgemanart.com/asset/195341/Rimmer-William-1816-79/Evening-the-Fall-of-Day-1869-70-crayon-oil-g?search_context=%7B%22url%22%3A%22%5C%2Fsearch.aspx%3Fkey%3Dprfx%3Abst%26filter%3DCBPOIHV%26page_num%3D1%22%2C%22filter%22%3A%7B%22filter_searchoption_id%22%3A%224%22%2C%22filter_assetstatus_id%22%3A1%2C%22filter_text%22%3A%22prfx%3Abst%22%2C%22filter_prev_text%22%3A%22prfx%3Abst%22%7D%2C%22num_results%22%3A%22895%22%2C%22sort_order%22%3A%22relevance%22%2C%22search_type%22%3A%22search_assets%22%2C%22item_index%22%3A85%7D"><span style="color: blue;">a painting done in tribute to the swan-death myth</span></a>. The actual myth is Greek, and says that in ancient times, just before Apollo’s birth, a flock of swans circled overhead exactly seven times, singing. Apollo was the god of music; his birth was a glorious event and swans announcing it seems just right. But at some point the story got flipped. A "swan song" is now a death cry—a wrong, ironic meaning that’s now forever part of the Zeppelin story. D’Angelo emerged a couple weeks ago in Tennessee and covered Zeppelin, a glorious event. Somethingsomething Jesus, resurrection, the people rejoicing. The part in D'Angelo's story where the irony comes in is when he put out an album in 2000 with songs about hair pulling and ass smacking <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eT75hdcOOkU"><span style="color: blue;">(track 3)</span></a>, and something about wetness and thighs (you know the track). The label that released it: <i><b>Virgin</b></i>.<br />
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D’Angelo’s set at Bonnaroo contained nothing from <i>Voodoo </i>except for a snippet of "Chicken Grease." But because it's D'Angelo, earnest and sober (I think?) and in front of some keys, the audio from the show is still on daily rotation in my headphones thanks to the download link that’s not too hard to find (GO NOW, if you haven’t already GO GO GET IT GO). The setlist contains nothing surprising—Mayfield, The Time, Johnny “Guitar” Watson, Parliament of course. The Beatles’ <span style="color: black;">“She Came in Through the Bathroom Window”</span> fits in especially nicely, with its weird words and that great drum break after each bar. But it’s his version of Led Zeppelin’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTQF89JiEJc"><span style="color: blue;">"What Is and What Should Never Be"</span></a> that lifts the set into next-levels territory. The track bangs, yes, satisfying my heart's need for grown-man emo and my lower body’s need for bass. But it also satisfies my hungry nerd <i>brain</i>, because its back story makes it such a logical choice for him to cover.<br />
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A D’Angelo-Zeppelin meetup was probably bound to happen. <i>Voodoo </i>was recorded at Electric Lady studios; most of Zeppelin’s albums were mixed there. Jimmy Page and D’Angelo are both Rhodes guys, calm and bosslike on the instrument. Robert Plant and D’Angelo each had unpleasant periods involving car crashes and general coke mayhem. And "What Is…," a dreamy little number at its beginning, settles into that mid-tempo BPM that D'Angelo always slays so easily. "Devil's Pie" has a BPM of 90; "Me and Those Dreamin' Eyes of Mine" is 87. "Lady" is 85, and so is the Zeppelin song. <i>"Do do, bop bop a do-oh,"</i> wails Plant at the end of it. The part could be lifted from a Soulquarians vamp session and you wouldn't know the difference. <i>"My my my my, my-my yeahhh."</i> You wouldn't know the difference. D'Angelo and Robert Plant are men who are both fluent in Rural Southern--even though the commonwealth of Virginia is a little too close to Yankee territory for it to be taken seriously as a bluesy place, and Plant is from a town in the English midlands famous for its carpets.<br />
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D’Angelo is uncomfortable with his burden of sexiness. I know this from reading Questlove interviews. His public persona is almost swaggerless when it comes to sex (almost). Plant is much more comfortable with his aura of steam and lust - he wrote "What Is..." during his Tolkien-obsession phase and somehow managed to inject unsexy hobbit mythology into Sonny Boy Williamson-esque heavy-riffed gut punchers that he'd sing to willing, sexy girls in the third row. Plant became obsessed with Welsh culture in the late '60s, druids and the like, mysticism, paganism. (Today is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year, when pagans have historically witnessed the sunrise at places like Stonehendge, marking the event with ceremonies celebrating fertility. So, this post could've just as easily been about D'Angelo and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qAXzzHM8zLw"><span style="color: blue;">Spinal Tap</span></a>.) The thing in the song that "was" but that "should never be," according to rumor and speculation and this is as good as the gospel to music dorks, is, <b><i>hold up now:</i></b> Plant's relationship with <i>his wife's sister.</i> Well goddamn. The theme of forbidden desires could therefore link Zeppelin's "What Is..." with every D'Angelo-tagged post on MediaTakeout (D'Angelo's own forbidden desires being, of course, narcotics, fatty food and <a href="http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/busted_for_soliciting_cop_AJCQ4nnIyxooWT6e0r47DI"><span style="color: blue;">mouthsex</span></a>). But this is too easy, too shallow. It's more interesting to consider that Tolkien, like D'Angelo, grew tired of the fans who loved his dumbed-down work. He saw himself primarily as a scholar, not a fairy-tale writer, and he hated that <i>The Lord of the Rings</i> was his biggest success. He would not have cared for Robert Plant's great fondness for Mordor.<br />
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Written in a Tolkien haze, the thing that makes "What Is and What Should Never Be" so satisfying as a song covered by D'Angelo of all people is the very specific type of alienation shared by the two men. They are both people whose messages get distorted when they try to talk to us. "Everybody I know seems to know me well," goes the closing verse, with the punchline being that nobody who bought their books/albums actually <i>does</i>. For D'Angelo it was his abs, for Tolkien it was his fantasy writings; they both felt a deep resentment for being praised for what they felt were their least important achievements. Tokien's <i>Hobbit</i> and <i>LOTR </i>were his attempt to construct what he referred to as a "body of myth" - which happens to be exactly the same phrase used by ladies in describing D'Angelo's form in the "Untitled" video, much to his dismay. <br />
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I am neither a pagan nor a Pentecostal at this point. Things are still cloudy for me, belief-wise. Though if God actually exists he will obviously one day fulfill my dream of hearing D’Angelo do the <i>Ohhhh, oh-oh-ohh-ohh-OHHHH</i> to open <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5s9illHQlc"><span style="color: blue;">"D'yer Mak'er."</span></a> Its BPM is 90. He'd kill it.<br />
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.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-1495768113118548712012-06-07T16:37:00.000-07:002012-06-10T09:46:33.140-07:00It’s Funky Nerdy Enough: 5 Beautiful LA-Centric Record Finds from Beat Swap Meets Past<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The next Beat Swap Meet will be far enough in the future that I’ll have forgotten about the failures of the 2011-12 Los Angeles Lakers. Until then, to cheer up my sad sad heart, I’m revisiting some of my luckiest finds from the last few BSMs I’ve attended.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. The D.O.C., <i>No One Can Do It Better</i> (Ruthless, 1989). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$8.</span></span></h4>
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The Lakers got swept by the Pistons during the '89 NBA Finals. The city’s self-respect took a beating, but I bet you <i>No One Can Do It Better</i> dropping a few weeks later made LA feel better about itself. There should be no shame for LA’s fans during the ’88-’89 season anyway, since <i>at least the team made it to the final round that year</i>. (This is a situation with which I am unfamiliar when it comes to the 2011-12 squad. SIGH. VAMOOSE, GASOL.)<br />
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The D.O.C. was from Texas, but he established his brand here and created an album that was absolutely <i>made </i>for thumping out of an Escort’s subwoofers in stop-and-go traffic, so his LA credentials are strong. <i>No One Can Do It Better</i> is production heaven—not to take anything away from The D.O.C.’s nice rasp or solid flow that I just realized is very KRS-ish, but I have a weak voice and a <i>terrible </i>flow and even <i>I </i>would sound great over a late-80s Dre beat. The album is rarer than its $8 price tag would lead you to believe; the true test of a good find is in how many “OHHHHs” you get from the other attendees when you walk around the swap meet with it under your arm, and I must’ve gotten 10 or 12 the day I got it. It contains the phrases “on the hype tip” and “I don’t fess,” plus an Air Jordan flight jacket on the cover, all of which places it squarely at the tail end of the Reagan era, but it bangs, STILL, now, forever, always. It also contains the words “Ruthless representation: Jerry Heller,” to which I respond Uhhh <i>yeah</i>, no kidding, and then something about Ice Cube and vaseline. These days, The D.O.C.'s songs mostly turn up in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgDtIoFYJ_A"><span style="color: blue;">skate videos</span></a> and Radio Los Santos when you're toggling through your weapons in San Andreas. But this at least means you and your 14-year-old cousin have new common ground. And that Kings hat on the cover is pretty prescient since they’re about to maybe win the Stanley Cup.<br />
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<b>“The Almighty Father, my family, MC Ren” (??). Ice Cube, Yella, Eazy, and the production guy are fourth, fifth, sixth, and (ouch, Dre!) <i>seventh</i>, respectively.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. Willie Hutch, <i>The Mark of the Beast</i> (Motown, 1974). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.</span></b></span></h4>
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Willie was also from Texas and made his name in LA. His voice wasn’t scratchy like The D.O.C.’s, though—Willie had this powerful, achy sweetness to his instrument. Ask Juicy J or me to describe its beauty sometime, even though you might regret it once we get started. Geeked up off Willie, that's me and J. <br />
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<i>The Mack</i> soundtrack is a guaranteed find at any BSM, though probably in the form of the dreaded <i>reissue</i>. Nobody respects that. <i>The Mark of the Beast,</i> though, was never reissued and is therefore a rare one. And I got it, because that's just how things work out for me. Ha ha. The sleeve was wrinkly on the open end, like bong resin had spilled all over it and someone panicked and tried to flatten it out to dry. But the vinyl itself is incredibly free of scratches, allowing the album’s walking-down-the-street bangers to really shine. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEJg46op5bU"><span style="color: blue;">“Get Ready for the Get Down”</span></a> will make you feel like a ‘70s god—Michael Corleone in a nice wool suit—or, ladies where you at, a ‘70s goddess like Cleopatra Jones or Raquel Welch. Or maybe Farrah if that's more your thing. In any case, you have your choice of self-esteem-raising jams here. “Don’t You Let Nobody Tell You How to Do Your Thing,” Willie says, to which I respond <i>You got it, daddy </i>and <i>Don't worry, I would never let anybody do that to me.</i> Plus he’s so closely aligned with Three 6 at this point, the whole first side of <i>The Mark of the Beast</i> sounds like Project Pat’s about to come in with the hook.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Cannonball Adderley, <i>The Black Messiah</i> (Capitol, 1972). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$9.</span></b></span><br />
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Stronnnnngly Los Angeles, this one. It came with a Chevron card and a QP. I adore it. Recorded live at the Troubadour in 1970, produced by David Axelrod from Los Angeles, California, with Mike Deasy (from LA) on guitar (he also played on the <i>The Age of Aquarius</i> and <i>Pet Sounds</i>). I don’t cyber-dig, but I do cyber-<i>lurk</i>, and few things in life are as satisfying as going to online record stores, typing the name of something I already own into the search box, and seeing “Sorry, this selection is currently unavailable” show up. <i>The Black Messiah</i> is one such jewel in my collection. It’s got Tribe’s “Infamous Date Rape” break on it, it’s pleasurable as both background/washing-the-dishes/folding-laundry-in-the-living-room <i>and </i>headphone music, and, because it’s live, you get all the between-song banter that Adderly’s band engaged in, talking to the audience. <b>“We’re gonna not...<i>discuss </i>it,”</b> Adderly says, regarding the band's tightness, <b>“We’re just gonna look at each other and say 'Yeah’.”</b> Or, as you and I know it, "Ain't nuttin to it but to do it," which can be attributed to either MC Eiht or Snoop, depending on who you ask and which neighborhood that person's from. The fact that nobody’s used the piano/drum break that opens “The Chocolate Nuisance” is terribly disheartening. But the fact that there is a song <i>called </i>“The Chocolate Nuisance” immediately cheers me up.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. Bill Withers, <i>Just As I Am </i>(Sussex, 1971). $2.</b></span></h4>
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Humans! Now THIS is how a man comes out the gate! Debut album, side A, track 1: “Harlem,” a stomping thoroughbred of a song that for some reason has not shown up as a break on a mixtape from a Dipset capo nor A$AP Rocky. Despite the song tribute, <i>Just As I Am</i> is not a Harlem album. It’s universal in its appeal. Bill was from West Virginia and probably wanted the record to remain free from geographic allegiance so that everybody could enjoy it equally. But LA can claim<i> Just As I Am </i>because of its sunshiny feel and the fact that it was recorded at Sunset Sound, which is still in use today—nestled on a block that contains the very, <i>very </i>LA trifecta of a Pizza Hut, a Catholic school, and the Psychiatry: An Industry of Death museum, run by the Scientology Center.<br />
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“It’s OK to head out for Wonderful, but on your way to Wonderful, you’re gonna have to pass through All Right,” Withers says in the bio-doc <i>Still Bill</i>, “And when you get to All Right, take a good look around and get used to it, ‘cause that may be as far as you’re gonna go.” Description of your daily life is what you put on a Bill Withers record for—getting up, going to work, people messing with your heart, people making your heart leap out of your chest, errands, daydreams, and (cover your eyes, Mom) the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fby5139tAmo"><span style="color: blue;">moaning and groaning of daily pleasures</span></a>. He provides the score in the land of All Right With Touches of Wonderful, home to 99% of us. And my dad had a lunchbox just like the one on the cover. Listen, I love hearing “No Church in the Wild” in the car on the way to Trader Joe’s, but when I get to Trader Joe’s, I love knowing that Bill Withers is the kind of guy who I might see in line there. (Kanye ain’t going to Trader Joe’s – he sends his assistant. And besides, he’s definitely a Whole Foods guy).<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. The Miracles, <i>Do It Baby</i> (Tamla, 1974). 99¢.</b></span><br />
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Recorded at Motown’s LA studio, this was snatched up based on the strength of the back cover, which includes the names Hal Davis, Leon Ware, and most appealing of all, Christine Yarian - lady songwriter in the male-dominated world of songwriting, she gets the utmost respect from this writer (lady record-obsessor in a world dominated by male record-obsessors). Ask me about her sometime, then stand back. Gone off that Yarian, that's me.<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i20mfwb0Uik"><span style="color: blue;">“Give Me Just Another Day”</span></a> is the best song on here, sampled by Phonix Beats in “Phenomenon” by Schoolboy Q, who is currently enjoying his hold on bloggers’ hearts and making your little cousin claim Hoover. The song was also used by Boi-1da and Don Cannon, and its horns-guitar-strings intro has played in my head during numerous walks down the street on hot days. Motown's LA output generally gets very little respect, but <i>Do It Baby</i> is solid and underrated. Smokey Robinson warned Berry Gordy about earthquakes in an attempt to keep him from moving Motown here in ‘72. “Nice try, Smokey,” I’m pretty sure Berry said, “but have you seen the <i>women </i>in LA?”<br />
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<i><b>The next Beat Swap Meet will be June 10, 2012. Buy me a drink.</b></i><br />
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<br />Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-77541594842939823082012-05-30T09:49:00.000-07:002012-06-04T19:18:42.789-07:00There he she go.<div style="text-align: center;">
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<b>SPARKLING JEWELS! In effect like alternate side of the street parking rules! </b></div>
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<b>STILL BEEFING WITH:</b> Kev Durant's shooting accuracy and Westbrook's incredible clutchness, people who don't use turn signals, the state of Florida, the radio station at the laundromat that plays the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams" every goddamn time I'm there, MMG now and forever, and <a href="http://stonesthrow.com/news/2012/05/doom-in-bonafide"><span style="color: blue;">Daniel Dumile for keeping his tour in foreign places, far away from my home</span></a>. <b>NEW BEEF:</b> <a href="http://gawker.com/5911712/arizonas-secretary-of-state-not-convinced-obama-was-born-in-us-threatens-to-exclude-him-from-ballot"><span style="color: blue;">the state of Arizona</span></a>, that awful new Animal Collective song (honestly, <a href="http://pitchfork.com/reviews/tracks/13564-honeycomb/"><span style="color: blue;">WTF</span></a>), people who clicked "dislike" under the Danny Brown doc (HONESTLY. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gvtl-QrFlcE"><span style="color: blue;">what in the fuck</span></a>), and Nelly for not <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/Pharrell/status/202889390844944384/photo/1"><span style="color: blue;">following Pharrell's lead</span></a> in making a respectful mention of the death of Chuck Brown, even though this anger is of my own making. (My expectations are probably too high of someone who puts "CEO of Nelly, Inc" as his first bio credit on Twitter.) <b><br />
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<b>BRAND-NEW BEEF!:</b> <i>my recent lack of self-control at the record store.</i> I am about my paper, obviously, and I like to shout about it; "Look at me, just <i>look </i>how I'm always adding to my collection while still being able to eat <i>and </i>pay rent." (This is my version of <i>Got a condo on my wrist</i>.) Last week in Pasadena, however, this system took a hit. I overspent, boss. I'm terrible. You say you need a hundred bucks? I'd spot you, but man I'm fresh OUT, or as my man E-40 said during the old school lunch hour on the radio today when I was driving, <i><b>"perhaps today my scrilla ain't feeling me."</b></i> Being CEO of Logan, Inc. doesn't pay as well as you'd think. <br />
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Big big shout and hello, before we begin, to whoever tagged this blog NSFW on Reddit. Anonymous Internet soldier, you got me about a hundred thousand hits, but my mother would like to have a word with you. "This site is very SFW," she'll say, and "And yes, Logan <i>did </i>get her hips from me; who do you think taught her how to use them to get out of speeding tickets?" To those of you who were expecting sexy, sexy filth based on the NSFW tag, I'm sorry for the lack of nudity. We can engage in penetration but only of the cerebral kind. Which reminds me:<br />
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WHO WANNA HEAR ABOUT SOME RECORDS I BOUGHT.<br />
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<b>NOPE, not my tribute to the Denver Broncos. Hush now. </b><br />
<b>These here are just the o</b><b>uttakes from my shoot for <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/39/The_state_vs_radric_davis_cover.jpg"><i style="color: blue;">The State vs. Logan Melissa</i></a> mixtape.</b></div>
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<b>"You will spend $120 for 17 albums at Poo-Bah Records in Pasadena," said my palm reader a couple weekends ago. "You really should tone it down with the spending," she added. "Take it easy, baby doll."</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2d142agHpBhQ0nEETE2SxmhA02WXpjlprZ4_Nzw4cD-iqjD7-h3c3r5b3pKSzkxFP7GKwqpgkZZBF5NV4_OKu-_ZBFu-LDLVYVzENXlMQNyrsIOhwiNFiOdQZ9mfjlfz6e9e9Ep271DYd/s1600/poo+bah+outside+610-1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2d142agHpBhQ0nEETE2SxmhA02WXpjlprZ4_Nzw4cD-iqjD7-h3c3r5b3pKSzkxFP7GKwqpgkZZBF5NV4_OKu-_ZBFu-LDLVYVzENXlMQNyrsIOhwiNFiOdQZ9mfjlfz6e9e9Ep271DYd/s1600/poo+bah+outside+610-1.jpg" /></a></div>
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<b>Oh hi, Kobe. Relax, god. Glad to see you shopping here during your off time, and boy I bet your upper body is tired since you've been <a href="http://www.nba.com/playoffs/2012/westseries6/index.html?ls=st&g=5&t=bs"><span style="color: blue;">carrying an entire goddamn team on your shoulders for 6 months</span></a>.</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirCcy8Uo49hXf9Tw-p5KLlmC0SJDoHUega54A7L4zJALVu1Vinw8piwMcAT2sUhmPsQJTVvUXCsA5JMPAQON_X1t9ppLqv8QqrWv02wnaJQNVL_IkXiK2fYOU8XRDYp6GWhjWQx3RR1301/s1600/poo+bah+1+610-1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirCcy8Uo49hXf9Tw-p5KLlmC0SJDoHUega54A7L4zJALVu1Vinw8piwMcAT2sUhmPsQJTVvUXCsA5JMPAQON_X1t9ppLqv8QqrWv02wnaJQNVL_IkXiK2fYOU8XRDYp6GWhjWQx3RR1301/s1600/poo+bah+1+610-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b>05/12/12. Poo-Bah's leftside wall that I saw upon entering,</b><br />
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<b>except, in BrownVision™,</b><br />
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<b>HERE'S HOW <i>I</i> SAW IT. </b><br />
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<i>Poobah</i> is the name of a buffoonish, self-important character in a Gilbert & Sullivan opera, and the word has been taken to mean "pompous individual; person who mistakenly believes he or she exerts great influence" ever since. It also means "Slightly chubby MC in Historically Black University hoodie." Grand Puba’s "360° (What Goes Around)" is all catchy, braggy self-promo with the divine Miss Gladys Knight on the hook and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VjfSE1QzTY"><span style="color: blue;">I love that</span></a>. Puba's known for getting money, hitting skins (teehee, 'cause it was '92), wearing Girbauds ('92). Count on it. He's predictable, like taxes, the sun rising, the <strike>circle of life</strike> record spinning around and around, "Sweet Dreams" coming on at the goddamn laundromat, Curren$y doing a song per week about cars and penthouses and the whores who love them. Your Starbucks order is <i>so </i>predictable, as is mine of course.<br />
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Puba probably wasn't hitting a ton of skins, in '92 or at any point, but he <i>was </i>telling the truth about the cyclical nature of human existence. We're all predictable. I'm predictable. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkgkPwTE2zw&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">Alamo, is you with me?</span></a> Cuz there's just one thing I wanna say, and that is If what goes around comes back around again, tomorrow morning I'm getting my iced coffee with vanilla syrup at Starbucks, just like I did this morning and the morning before that. I'll do laundry on Saturday; I'll buy records on Sunday. My buffoonish sense of self-importance leads me to think I can spend and spend and somehow keep apartment 680's rent paid. I'm coming back to Poo-Bah with my debit card and an intense stare. (When I get evicted, let's be roommates! I'm a good cook and I'm fun to be around. Just don't touch my stuff.)<br />
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<b>Librarian in a sweater 2 sizes too small, and Sounwave doing his "Black Milk Signs to Interscope in 2005." Our styles are <i>so different</i> but we both love this Monk Higgins record.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. Monk Higgins, <i>Dance To The Disco Sax Of Monk Higgins</i></b> (Buddah, 1974). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$4.99.</span></span><br />
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I learned from Schoolboy's "There He Go" that some dudes smoke Garcia Vegas (verse 2). I also discovered that I do a <i>mean </i>lean-point-&-lipsynch move (during the hook), and Sounwave and I have at least one record in common in our collections (the break, which comes from <i>Dance to the Disco Sax</i>). What I learned from the <i>video </i>is that Kendrick continues to be the square one of the crew, surrounded by cool guys who manage to be interesting just by sitting there. He's the Ernie Johnson of Black Hippy, and he's got Barkley to his far left (Ab) and Shaq to his right (SBQ). Poor Kendrick-Ernie. Anyway, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP6KxSGXiQ0"><span style="color: blue;">the erotic-thriller sounding piano at the beginning of "There He Go" absolutely </span><i style="color: blue;">makes</i><span style="color: blue;"> the song</span></a>; it's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=way2ZX2ABjA"><span style="color: blue;">so dreamy and perfect</span></a>. But like I've said about so many songs throughout history, <i>it would be nothing without those drums.</i><br />
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<b>You need this album. Jesus, what a find!</b> "One Man Band (Plays All Alone)" is the "There He Go" drum break that Sounwave used, and the hook turns up in Meyhem Lauren and Action Bronson's "Typhoon Rap." Bronson and Lauren have that big-boned body type in common, and they've both done NFL player name songs ("Larry Csonka," "Ray Lewis") - a trend that is becoming tiresome even for someone like me (football fan; Fantasy Football team owner; person who tweets at the fucking NFL on Fox robot doofus out of boredom and rage). Bronson and SBQ have this break in common, they both look extremely huggable, and I'm pretty sure they satisfy that requirement I have of all straight men in that they do not know anything about ladies' purses. None of you guys should know the difference between an LV Speedy and a Trouville. It's one of my heart's rules. All I need is simply to be the more feminine one in a relationship, whether that relationship is headphone-based (I don't know you but I like your music) or flesh-based (I know you, and we are sleeping together, sharing childhood stories, watching <i>Sportscenter</i>, and other couple-y things). Jot it down.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL9eSryzOD9WkidapQC1yC0NIzKl8qaYmLT9zT2dQAzyRLLsLak9RgGfILbt_rcOgxWMlYJC3YfD1i8jWMoMLspQoJ22OPlah0B49ecmBDUdeg9oYiNgOKjTnG9AHNAOHEahYuHDAm7T9n/s1600/disco+sax+back+550.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgL9eSryzOD9WkidapQC1yC0NIzKl8qaYmLT9zT2dQAzyRLLsLak9RgGfILbt_rcOgxWMlYJC3YfD1i8jWMoMLspQoJ22OPlah0B49ecmBDUdeg9oYiNgOKjTnG9AHNAOHEahYuHDAm7T9n/s1600/disco+sax+back+550.JPG" /></a> </div>
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<b>Least surprising name-instrument matchups: Sidney Sharp on strings (alliteration), Freddy Robinson on guitar ("Freddy Robinson" just <i>sounds </i>like a man in the '70s who played guitar). Most surprising: Jim <i>Horn </i>on <i>flute</i>.</b></div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Perplexing:</b> Nobody's chopped n' looped the first 10 seconds of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrLtLqqi20E"><span style="color: blue;">"Space Race."</span></a> <span style="color: black;">The Beatnuts in '97, get on that.</span><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> Best Album Title</span></b>, with its instruction to Dance to the Particular Instrument that Mr. Higgins Plays. <i>Everybody go on and dance if you want to,</i> I'm humming to myself as I write this. <i>The muuuuuusic makes your body move. </i><b><i>WELL, ALL RIGHT.</i> </b>I'm still thinking about Ohio after having found <a href="http://www.heightfiveseven.blogspot.com/2012/05/you-got-100-50-20-10-dollar-bill-put.html"><i style="color: blue;">Zapp</i><span style="color: blue;"> for $2</span></a> and marveling at how much Delonte West looks like Bizzy Bone.<b> </b><i>Jazz dazz, disco jazz</i>, said the Dazz Band (from Cleveland). <i>Jazz dazz, disco jah-yazzz</i>. Monk Higgins was from Arkansas but I feel like he'd agree with the Dazz Band that "disco jazz" is a real thing. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">fact:</span> Jim Horn was often used by Spector in the Wall of Sound, and plays sax on <strike>Ike and</strike> Tina's "River Deep, Mountain High." Tina took her shirt off when recording the vocal, a fact that everyone in the studio remembers with pervy accuracy according to the 3 Spector bios I've read. </b></i><i><b>Jim Horn also played sax and flute on </b></i><b>Pet Sounds </b><i><b>(hi Dad!) and </b></i><b>Ladies of the Canyon</b><i><b> (hi Mom!), in case the topless Tina story is too sexy for </b></i><b>Jeopardy!</b><i><b></b></i><br />
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<i><b></b><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </b>"5'7", 280</i><i>, murder bloods for rep" - Bronson, "Typhoon Rap."</i><i><b> Start a 5'7" club with Bronson! Kate Moss can join too. </b></i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2. The Jimi Hendrix Experience, live at the Forum, April 1969 </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(bootleg - but Zipper was the first label trying to profit from it, 1988). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$7.99.</span></span><br />
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The topic on LA sports talk radio <i>again </i>today was the Bynum Problem. What do we do about Bynum, everyone wants to know. Our giant baby with the glass knee: will he mature? Or is his inner knucklehead a permanent part of his personality? Call now, lines are wide open, blah blah, opinion, analysis, disagreement, sarcasm, yelling. Andrew will mature, absolutely, unless he doesn't. We should keep him, or maybe we shouldn't. I don't know! It is a debate I have no personal stake in but that nonetheless entertains me, like Backwoods v. Swishers v. Optimos (v. Garcia Vegas!). At the end of the hour, the consensus was that the Laker organization should hire Charles "Terrifying Human Being" Oakley to be an enforcer and knock Andrew's crybaby block off. Kobe's serial-killer icegrill has proven to be ineffective in making Andrew act right; Andrew, we all agree, will only respond to physical intimidation. Furthermore, I maintain that if the team played at a creaky, old, soulful venue like the Forum, Andrew's behavior would not be tolerated. Staples is lovely and comfy, but it's so completely soulless, from David Beckham's stupid floppy hat to all the Speedy bags underneath the seats of plastic-breasted ladies sitting courtside. Becks ain't coming to Inglewood. Listen, the point is what can I possibly say to describe a Hendrix bootleg album that I got for less than ten bucks other than <b style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyzWY2OB8Sc"><span style="color: blue;">YOU NEED THIS ALBUM</span></a> and the beautiful gentleman sitting on the hood of the car up there wins the award for </span>Best Impression of Andre Benjamin</b>.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> fact:</b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span><b>In ’96, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwB0W0-emA0"><span style="color: blue;">Dr. Octagon, Roger Troutman, and Cobain did a show at the Forum</span></a>, which you will obviously know as the FABULOUS Forum if you’re from anywhere within a 50-mile radius of my apartment. </b></i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</b><b> <span style="color: black;">If Oak is available post-Bynum, get him to punch the face of </span></b></i><b><span style="color: black;">106 & Park's</span><i style="color: black;"> Terrence J, whose face was positively </i></b><b style="color: black;">built </b><b><i style="color: black;">for punching. </i><i><span style="color: black;">Normally I don't have these violent tendencies, but. </span></i></b><b><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Smokey Robinson, <i>Big Time</i> soundtrack</b> (Tamla, 1977). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.99.</span></span><br />
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<i><b>“MCs couldn’t hang if they was lynched by the Grand Dragon.”</b></i> <b>You need this album.</b> It’s got the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7_aWIA3bhA"><span style="color: blue;">“8 Steps to Perfection”</span></a> break. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Prettiest Lady:</b> my forever/always girlfriend Jayne Kennedy, star of <i>Big Time</i> and <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=jayne+kennedy&gbv=2&oq=jayne+kennedy&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_l=img.3..0l10.332.2137.0.2333.13.11.0.2.2.1.171.1293.2j8.10.0...0.0.4-StH_q97tM"><span style="color: blue;">men's daydreams</span></a>, and the epitome of "bad." Those credentials are good enough, GO JANE, but the bigger feat here is that she's "bad" while simultaneously looking "sweet" and "has a college degree"-ish, <i>such </i>a tricky combination to pull off. I got "college-degree looking" on lock; "bad," however, is still something I need to attain. I feel like my hips get me halfway there, but then my gait and prim demeanor set me back in Schoolteacherville. SIGH. Teach me, Jane! <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Most Transparent:</span></b> the marketing folks at Motown Films in 1977. <b>"Small-time con man Big Time Eddie Jones hustles his way to the big payoff,"</b> goes <i>Big Time</i>'s media kit description, <b>"while trying to stay one step ahead of insurance investigators<span style="color: blue;">*</span>, the FBI and the Mob.</b><b> Think <i>Uptown Saturday Night</i>,</b><b> with a harder edge."</b> Ha. Yeah, I <i>bet </i>you'd like me to think <i>Uptown Saturday Night,</i> Motown Films, and you'd also like me to ignore the fact that <i>Big Time</i> has no Poitier, no Silky Slim, and no Geechie Dan. Smokey probably turned up in <i>Jet </i>in '77, being interviewed for a promo fluff piece and talking about how if you squint hard enough during <i>Big Time</i>, you might see a guy who looks kind of like Richard Pryor. Willie Hutch should've just ended the whole charade and put out a song called "Gullible Moviegoers."<br />
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<span style="color: blue;">*</span> Least-sexy villains in any film.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">BEST OPENING.</b><b style="color: #cc0000;"> BEST <i>BEST </i>OPENING. </b>The first 25 seconds of the movie's theme song bang so freaking hard, courtesy of freaking hard-as-HALE guitar-banger god Wah-Wah Watson. That opening makes you think the song's gonna be some spacey oddball adventure with sexy alien ladies and maybe a fake-Moroder bassline, but then, sigh, it turns into vanilla '77 discotheque white-noise. As a listener, I feel bamboozled; "Ha Ha (Gotcha, Bitch)" would've been a more appropriate song title. Smokey could only divert from the norm so much, though. Even in the late '70s he was on that tight Motown leash. <br />
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<b>Best Uncredited Appearance: </b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>eXquire!</b></span></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">fact:</span> </b>Marvin's </i>I Want You<i>; Blondie, Bohannon, George Duke, Quincy Jones, the Beach Boys: <b>Wah Wah Watson </b></i><b>never appeared</b><i><b> on a corny album. </b></i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</b> <b>Get that El-P + Killer Mike <a href="http://www.definitivejux.net/"><span style="color: blue;">"G-Money" vinyl package</span></a>. Am I my brother's keeper? Shut up, who cares, GIMME. I must own it! The instrumental album is blood red! </b></i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4. <i>Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Atlantic, 1972). <span style="color: #cc0000;">99¢</span></span><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-size: large;">. </span></span><br />
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Chicago's got some bad juju -- Donny's suicidal brain chemicals, Kanye's women issues, Derrick Rose's ACL, poor Chief Keef <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WcRXJ4piHg"><span style="color: blue;">can't afford a tshirt</span></a>. <i>Good </i>Chicago juju, thankfully, includes the unstoppable gray-haired, marriage-equality-pushing most-powerful-man-in-the-world calm-temperament swagger of one B. Obama, and the achy powerful beauty of Donny's voice (top 10 voices in apt. 680's collection, easily). <b>I hereby announce that YOU NEED THIS ALBUM. </b>This news fits right in with the rest of the world, as this week was <i>full </i>of facts that did not need to be announced - like Mitch Kupchak's official statement that the Lakers "will be considering trades" (thanks, Scott Van Pelt) or that _____ and _____ were beefing last week and now, <i>what's this?</i> They're <i>collabing?</i><b> Imagine I'm doing a "Public Service Announcement" freestyle when I tell you this, and it'll come out less like an order and more like a helpful suggestion: You need this album. <i>It’s Flack and Hathaway.</i></b> I cannot WAIT for the Weezy x Pusha mixtape, by the way. <b><br />
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<span style="color: black;">This one wins </span><b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Hangover Album</b>—it's melodic, floaty, and gentle, which makes sense since Arif Mardin was in charge of strings and a gentleman named Joe Gentle played flute on it. <b style="color: #cc0000;">(Best and Most Appropriate Flute Player's Name: Joe Gentle)</b>. And it's got Purdie drums, which are never too brain-rattling. You'll appreciate this when it's the morning after you yelled BOTTLES ON ME 14 separate times in one night, and you did that stupid "WOOOOO" that ladies do, and the memories of acting like a retard are flooding your brain and making you cringe and also the terrible terrible nausea.<br />
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Roberta and Donny do their take on "You've Got a Friend" - appropriate, since they were best buddies. They do <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbrQeswLIjY"><span style="color: blue;">"I Who Have Nothing"</span></a> and "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling," a song that I have never liked but it's got a great Spector-being-creepy story behind it. The critics went nuts for this album. It is a collection of music that is the opposite of ironic. Roberta and Donny will slay the grouchy dragon that lives in your heart with pure, uncut love of humanity. They excel at earnestness. The two of them are the best in the whole world at it, other than maybe Neil Young. The fact that Donny's brain chemicals were starting to betray him at this point in his life lends a beautiful gravity to the album, and also a sense of really making me mad and hopeless. <i>Stop it, songs</i>, my brain says. It's like the songs are telling the future, the horrible bleak future of Donny, but that's not true - I'm just reading too much into the songs like always. It's best to listen to this album in a vacuum. Put it on and pretend it's '72.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Piano Break</b>, provided by Donny, above, later used in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHyqs0PoBgE"><span style="color: blue;">"On My Block,"</span></a> the instrumental of which you'll recognize as the backing track for every "successful MC returns to his old neighborhood" story on MTV. “Where is the Love,” already <a href="http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858578532/"><span style="color: blue;">a huge bummer of a song</span></a>, provides the break in Nate Dogg’s "Never Leave Me Alone," last heard in the lunchtime old school hour on the radio <i>every day in Los Angeles for the last 5 years</i>. Ugh. Nate is on my radio these days on the hook of a song called <b>“Party We Will Throw Now,”</b> a song that is too awful for me to link to and which <i>should </i>be called “Make Money off Nate Dogg’s Name and Likeness We Will Do Now.” <b style="color: #cc0000;">Biggest Bummer. </b><br />
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<b>Jeopardy!</b><i><b> fact: <span style="color: black;">Before she signed to Atlantic, <a href="http://nymag.com/arts/books/features/carole-king-2012-3/"><span style="color: blue;">Carole King</span></a> had imagined that Tin Pan Alley was an actual, physical alley next to the Brill Building. </span></b><span style="color: black;">What a dummy! This is why girls shouldn't be in the music industry. </span><b><span style="color: black;"> </span></b></i></div>
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </b><span style="color: black;">Jerry Wexler, bosslike always, referred to himself as "a despot who delegated poorly" at Atlantic Records, which reminds me that I should <b>go to the</b></span><b> Despot/Killer Mike/El-P/eXquire show at the Echo on 6/28, a block away from my apartment. I need to hear a hundred F words and I need you to buy me a drink and NOT tell me I look skinnier in person like everyone always does.</b></i></div>
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<b>"industrio-rap." LOL, <a href="http://stereogum.com/1032392/death-grips-hustle-bones-video/video/"><span style="color: blue;">music sites trying to out-clever each other</span></a> in describing Death Grips.</b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. Death Grips, <i>The Money Store</i></b> (Epic, 2012). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$14.99.</span></span><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;">FIRST of All, </span>Most Unbelievable in 2012:</b> Epic Records still exists. Second of all, this really is some dude rap and not really appropriate for a proper lady such as myself.<br />
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<b><i>"get get get get got got got got, blood rush to my head lit hot lock/poppin off the fuckin block knot, clockin wrist slit watch bent through bot/tail pipe draggin, volume blastin, bailin out my brain red light flash, dem stop i smash/abraxas<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>, hydroplane, massive, catch this flight flow, rainin madness/mastered mine and laced, the ave wit black cat fish tailin waves of stratus."</i></b></div>
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I'm not going to pretend I can enjoy these lyrics half as much as someone with a penis, because the laws of the universe state that this is impossible. Thisssome DUDE RAP, no doubt about it. But in a world of this type of babyish male communication<br />
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I am in pure, old-fashioned, Sacramento industrio-love with Death Grips.<br />
<b><i>Hahaaaaaaaaa. </i></b>(9 a's). <br />
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In my more compassionate moments, I'll see a post on Rap Radar about the latest MMG wind-up rapper and think <i>Aw, this is awful music, but what do I care. Let 'em have their fun. Get paid, darlings. </i>I drove to Poo-Bah with the radio on, enjoying that "Burn" song in was the most guilty, dirty pleasure of my week. Then I get the fucking Death Grips album and I'm filled with heat and energy (which I guess is just another way of saying heat) and I think <i>Yes, this is exactly how it should be. Only the people who I say can rap should be able to rap.</i> Meek Mill still has the best cheekbones since Metta World Peace, but the fact remains the pleasure's been stripped from future listenings of "Burn"; I bet "Cashin' Out" will be next <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrnBaLyp1C4"><span style="color: blue;">(sorry for this link, everyone with good taste)</span></a>.<b> <span style="color: #cc0000;">And now it is time for an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_V_2BFWahc&feature=relmfu"><span style="color: blue;">"I've Seen Footage"</span></a> interlude to cleanse my palate. </span></b><br />
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(I’ll listen to your "Stay Schemin" freestyle if you can get me the <a href="http://www.thefader.com/2012/05/03/meek-mill-f-gucci-mane-audemars-mp3/"><span style="color: blue;">"Audemars"</span></a> instrumental, though. Deal? My fondness for Meek Mill’s vocal playfulness and light rasp is well documented. Unfortunately, I reached my saturation point for Audemar raps back in August ’11, so:<b> instrumental, please</b>.) <br />
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"Hustle Bones," "I've Seen Footage," and "Get Got" are the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Song Titles</b> in this record haul (next to "Sugar Lump" on that Leon Haywood record). This baby was destined to come home with me the second my eyes met it from across the room; the only misgiving I had about buying it was when I realized that Bieber probably has it on his iPod. But I fought it off, and now <i>The Money Store</i> is home with me, wedged in between some Nu Shooz and Jerry Butler on my living room floor.<br />
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<b>Jeopardy!<i> fact: *<span style="color: black;">"Abraxas" doesn't really mean anything other than "Santana album from 1970." </span><span style="color: black;">In Greek, abrasáx is "of obscure origin" but the combined numerical value of the Greek letters is 365, "an important figure in numerology" OOOOOILLUMINATI, YALL. </span></i></b></div>
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</b> <b>Get Epic to re-release </b></i><b>The Money Store<i> with special bonus track <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDQHQkuv9l0" style="color: blue;">"Phil Rizzuto."</a> </i></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">6. Freddie Hubbard, <i>Windjammer </i></span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Columbia, 1976). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$1.99.</span></span></div>
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<b>"Drums: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3t9htxbIAc"><span style="color: blue;">Andy Newmark</span></a>."</b> <b>Bass: Gary King." "Keys, producer, arranged by, conductor: Bob James."</b> <i>Oh hello </i>Windjammer<i>,</i> I said when I came across it in the bin, <i>You must come home with me based entirely on these 3 credits.</i> <b style="color: #cc0000;">(Best Use of Andy Newmark; Best Use of Gary King; Best Use of Bob James).</b> A Google image search of Gary King (I was just curious) has led me to the wonderful world of the <a href="http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f28/gary-king-291608/"><span style="color: blue;">TalkBass.com</span></a> forum (<b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Link</b>). But JESUS, <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Disturbing Album Cover.</b> Looks like something out of a Cronenberg movie.</div>
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<i>Windjammer </i>features the legendary <b>Bernie Glow</b> on trumpet. If his nickname was not Bernie <i>Blow </i>the music industry and the music-nickname industries have both failed me. <br />
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The title track, above, provides the <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Best Walking-Down-the-Street Snippet</span></b> (00:22 - 01:01), which turns into the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Transitional Moment in My Personal Narrative, Such as When I Turn a Corner and See An Ex-Lover and Must Decide Whether to Stay for Some Uncomfortable Conversation or Run Away</b> (01:02 - 01:25, the panic of the horns illustrating this perfectly). Then, <b style="color: #cc0000;">starting at 02:48</b>, my ex and I are making out in a sexy, dirty alleyway. (Sorry, Mom! It's just a makeout; we're not getting back together). And finally, at <b style="color: #cc0000;">3:20</b>, I come to my senses and continue down the street. Probably Jamba Juice, because I'll feel a little sick and feverish after I acted that way, making out with my ex - so out of character for me! - and I'll want something healthy.<br />
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"Neo Terra (New Land)" has a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EK4V6HuEcK0"><span style="color: blue;">spacey, super Bob-James-sounding open</span></a> that Masta Ace used, though I must deduct points for <i>Low End</i>-era Tribe <i>not </i>using it. It would've been perfect. I also must deduct points for Freddie, or more likely Freddie's A&R, deciding that "Neo Terra" had to include "(New Land)" in its title, since otherwise how could a buyer of this record with some basic understanding of Latin root words possibly know what the words <i>neo terra</i> mean. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact: </span>Fellow flugelhorn player Chuck Mangione shares a song title with Afro-Rican (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VeE5XA_amU"><span style="color: blue;">"Give It All You Got"</span></a>)! This is a </b></i><b>Jeopardy!</b><i><b> fact but mostly it's an "excuse to post this song because it's been a long week and I feel like we can use it, also it's good for the ass" fact.</b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </span>Tear myself away from the TalkBass.com forum. It's the new prince.org in apartment 680.</b></i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">7. The Bee Gees, <i>Main Course</i> (RSO, 1975). </span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">99¢</span></span><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="font-size: large;">. </span></span></div>
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<i>Real Gs move in silence</i>, fierce little Dwayne told me in early '11. Real <i>Gees</i>, however, make slinky bass and falsetto sounds when they move. Also their hair is feathered and that goes <i>whooooosh</i> when they start walking briskly. Released in August '75, <i>Main Course</i> entered a world in which the number one jam was the Isleys' "Fight the Power," a song about Mookie breaking windows at Sal's Pizzeria. People obviously needed some levity, and the Gibbs came along to give some.</div>
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Side A, track 1: <b>"Nights on Broadway,"</b> yes, perfect, love it, a yummy piece of chord-progression cake with synth frosting. Side A, track 2: <b>"Jive Talkin',"</b> a headphone banger to such a degree that I get upset when it comes on at CVS in those tinny speakers that don't do it justice. </div>
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These guys were capable musicians, not spectacular, and basically just got white-guy points for being white guys in the non-white-guy dominated world of the dance floor, but they had feathery hair they spent too much time on and they loved soul music, which is also a fitting description of myself. So I love em. The Gibbs came out <i>so strong</i> with those first 2 tracks; <i>Main Course</i> was produced by Arif Mardin which is why there's that straight ear candy melodic goodness. But the brothers get fatigued out the gate, and the rest of the album is throwaway. Too many ballads. It starts bangingly and ends with a sad whimper, like the legacy of Pau Gasol as a professional athlete in Los Angeles. Still, those first two tracks! <b>You need this album!</b><br />
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Further down in the post I share that I have big problems with Khalifa's team design-jacking a David Ruffin album cover. But Akinyele jacked the Bee Gees’ cover <a href="http://file.blog-shibuya-club.diskunion.net/akinyele-vagina-diner-746329.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">and I have no negative comments</span></a>. I’m complicated. And I actually prefer dancing to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBw25CrUS-o&ob=av3e"><span style="color: blue;">the version of a song done by feathery-haired Australians</span></a> over the version done by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B37npdCJOnk"><span style="color: blue;">Rufus</span></a>, which is so weird for me to type, but it’s true. I’m complicated.</div>
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<b>"NICE PANTS. HA, you guys look RIDICULOUS" - <a href="http://scores.espn.go.com/nba/photos?gameId=320516025&photoId=2073560#photo_2073560"><span style="color: blue;">Kev Durant</span></a>.</b></div>
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ASSORTED EPIC MOMENTS: Me, looking at the back cover and seeing "Conductor" as a credit (Gene Orloff); the first 10 seconds of "Jive Talkin," which sounds like it <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBw25CrUS-o&ob=av3e"><span style="color: blue;">could be the first 10 seconds of almost any Parliament song during the years 1974-9</span></a> (those amazing Gibbs! Sweet lord.); the weird echo effect on the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64qcjY-fZww&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">"Edge of the Universe" vocals</span></a>; the perfect BPM of "Nights on Broadway" (the piano break from which turned up in the speakers of every Maxima in '98, courtesy of Dame Grease's beat for DMX's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giwzxTNaJNI"><span style="color: blue;">"The Convo."</span></a> Put that one on at your next BBQ if you'd like to see all the dudes over age 28 crying into their potato salad.)<br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact:</span> The Gibbs were appointed to the Order of the British Empire. This puts them in the same category as George Martin and the flute player from Jethro Tull. </b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </span>Book that concert I’ve been lining up in my head – the Bee Gees, the JB’s, O.C., L.T.D., and Thee Oh Sees. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8Rs-I2K148"><span style="color: blue;">Live at PJ’s</span></a>, of course. </b></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">8. David Ruffin, <i>My Whole World Ended</i> (Motown, 1969). </span></b><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">$2.99.</span></div>
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<i>My </i>whole world ended when Khalifa's people jacked the hell out of a Ruffin cover for <i>Kush & OJ</i>. It was upsetting and I regret having seen it. I also discovered a minute ago that <a href="http://youtu.be/7mu8fXaDvWU"><span style="color: blue;">"The Double Cross"</span></a> from <i>My Whole World Ended</i> turns up as the break in, sigh, <i>a J. Cole song</i>. I regret having found this out. Cole's producer is someone named Canei Finch, who does not appear to be as fresh as his name suggests (<i>"Canei Finch"!</i> So fresh!). His recent Twitter updates include the words <b>"Sherman Oaks is popping,"</b> which is absolutely a lie so I must leave Canei Finch behind. Moving on. <br />
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<i>My Whole World Ended</i> is like all other Ruffin albums in that it falls into the category of <b style="color: #cc0000;">Records That Both Juicy J and I Would Tell You to Buy if You Ever See Them In Your Local Store's Bin</b>, along with anything by Womack or Willie Hutch. This alone is reason enough to buy it. Also, it's Ruffin. You need this album. Support beautiful, doomed, coke-ravaged vocal masters by collecting their records, even though Berry Gordy is obviously Illuminati.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> facts:</span></b></i> <i><b>Humans see <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/05/120515131719.htm"><span style="color: blue;">sexy ladies as sexy objects and sexy men as sexy people</span></a>. Humans trust people with our money <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/05/120515094134.htm"><span style="color: blue;">based on their faces rather than on their ability to handle money</span></a>. </b>We are a mess as a species, just hopeless. Science websites give me daily discoveries in the new and sad ways humans are tragic and primal, and these discoveries remind me that we're too hard on the David Ruffins of the world. </i></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</span> Have someone look at me longingly while the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgjdpGx1U1s"><span style="color: blue;">title track</span></a> plays.</i></b><br />
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<b>Jack and his lady with the tight-as-all-hell outfit-coordination Tampa Bay Bucs colorway.</b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">9. Brother Jack McDuff, <i>Tobacco Road</i></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> (Atlantic, 1967). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$5.99.</span> </span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Best <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkF6HypWgq8"><span style="color: blue;">Hammond</span></a>. Best <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt0QZDOdpv0"><span style="color: blue;">Hammond</span></a>. </b><i>Tobacco Road</i> was produced by Lew Futterman, a last name that ‘70s/’80s/’90s babies will probably (hopefully) always associate with "Futterman’s Rule" from <i>Ill Communication</i>. The album was purchased on the strength of Brother Jack's esteemed status as a man whose songs were frequently tapped for '90s breaks, but that cover design helped convince me, and the fact that "The Shadow of Your Smile" turns up in an Action Bronson song really just solidified the deal.<br />
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Statik Selektah looped that flute in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiAQ9xQQHeQ"><span style="color: blue;">"Shiraz,"</span></a> which features the Logan-pleasing combination of words <b>"I’m straight stoned – Sly, thank you." </b>I'm so easy. And here's to my second Action Bronson mention in one post! King me! Oh, wait—what I meant was QUEENS me, due to my compulsive need to be clever. <b>You need this album</b> because it'll remind you of that funny wordplay I just employed. </div>
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Brother Jack was from Illinois, so an album called <i>Tobacco Road</i> is silly. Then I found out the song was written by John Loudermilk, from North Carolina, and this soothed me because it made absolute sense. Loudermilk also wrote "Then You Can Tell Me Goodbye," a song of numerous versions that we will all now (hopefully) associate with this, below, the very <i>best </i>version, Johnny Nash's version, which leads to my <b style="color: #cc0000;">Turn-and-Look-Over-Your-Shoulder-Please-Don't-Go/Heartbreaking-Vocal-Beauty-of-Johnny-Nash Interlude Yall</b>, concurrent with my <b style="color: #cc0000;">Strongest Plea with Kanye to NOT Use This as a Break, Ever, NO KANYE DON'T DO IT PLEASE You'll Ruin It:</b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact: </span></b><b>Bull Durham Tobacco had its logo painted behind the Yankees' dugout, thereby sparking the phrase "bullpen." </b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</span> Get a hug from cuddly tough guy Bronson. He's probably top ten in the world right now when it comes to huggers. </b></i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"></span><i><b>She takes my flight/she holds my weight.</b></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>10. Jack White, <i>Blunderbuss</i></b><i> </i>(Third Man, 2012). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$19.99.</span> (OUCH)</span></div>
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Jack reached his high point in my heart with that live video of the Raconteurs doing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqFb6VXW86Y"><span style="color: blue;">"Level,"</span></a> oh my god, a walking-down-the-street banger from which my hips may never recover. <i>Blunderbuss</i> is helping to keep him in my heart, because of his freaky upper-register vocal tricks and because I like it when I have the same taste in music as someone whose record I've just purchased (the guitar riff that starts <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsixWMdScUI&ob=av3e"><span style="color: blue;">"Sixteen Saltines"</span></a> proves that Jack and I both really love the intro of Def Leppard's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ5bS3_BCDs"><span style="color: blue;">"Photograph"</span></a>). <br />
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I've loved songs about homemade narcotics ever since daddy played George Jones' "White Lightnin'" in the living room on Saturday mornings when I was little. This is why, as a grown-up, I'll beat you, anytime, just name the place, if you'd like to engage in a Nickatina-lyrics-off with me. Or perhaps E-40's more your speed? Let me know! Bro we can do this anytime. We can do this. My brain's got a special area where the verses are embedded, deep within the gray folds, and it's only gotten more developed with age. I am also guaranteed to love anything with a pedal-steel guitar in it because of all my dad's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbTMIuBEALo"><span style="color: blue;">other Saturday-morning turntable DJ classics</span></a>. The lovely pedal-steel on <i>Blunderbuss</i>' title track, which I love of course, comes courtesy of <a href="http://www.deadreckoners.com/artists/fats_kaplin.html"><span style="color: blue;">Fats Kaplin</span></a>. He played with Pure Prairie League, the ones behind baby-Logan-family-vacation-car-tape-deck-everybody-sing-along-banger "Amie," even though Kaplin wasn't in the band when they recorded "Amie." Nonetheless: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4xp2lgiAjY"><span style="color: blue;">"AMIE" INTERLUDE YALL</span></a>. </div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Bars in This Record Haul, and Jack's Not Even an MC: </b><b>"Spike heels make a hole in a lifeboat/Drifting away when I'm talking and laughing as we float/I hear her whistle, that's how I know she's home/Lipstick, eyelash, broke mirror, broken home/Force fed, force meds 'till I drop dead/You can't defeat her, when you meet her you'll get what I said/The Lord knows there's a method to her madness/But the Lord's joke is a boat in a sea of sadness."</b></div>
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<b>You need this album.<i> </i></b>Like most great things in the universe, <a href="http://www.vulture.com/2012/04/jack-white-would-still-be-in-the-white-stripes-if-meg-wanted.html"><span style="color: blue;">RZA is partly responsible for it</span></a>. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzM8i3mXNbQ"><span style="color: blue;">"Freedom at 21" was co-produced by LTJ Bukem</span></a>, according to my imagination when I heard the opening drums. The title track is about fantasy love and contains the line <i>An ancient grand hotel of Persian thread and ivory/And when your man would turn his head I’d see you look at me</i>, which I swear is from an R. Kelly song. Plus the vinyl just <i>feels </i>really good to hold. It's nice and hefty. I like a record that weighs 2 or 3 pounds, like a premature baby. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact: <span style="color: black;">A blunderbuss is a musket-type gun. It's also something you call a "clumsy, unsubtle" person. </span></span></b><span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;">That's why Cory Gunz can also be called Cory Blunderbuss without his name losing any meaning. </span></span> </i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: <span style="color: black;">Go to Detroit. </span></span></b></i>Make it a real place in my heart and head. The problem, guys, is that Detroit's too fraught with history, tragic romance, and musical pixie dust. It's not real. It's Henry Ford, Derrick May, Barry Sanders, Proof. The motor city's burning. We almost lost Detroit. Kick out the fucking jams. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sMq90UAg-Zw"><span style="color: blue;">Bass bass bassbassbass, metal-pipe sound from the GM assembly line, backspin, bass</span></a>. I know from the hit film <i>8 Mile</i> that Detroit gentlemen like to have sex in factories. I know from books that what was once Aretha's dad's church (New Bethel Baptist) is on the corner of Linwood and Philadelphia. But I don't know where the westside begins or how to get to Ford Field. <b>"I would never let my children roam the Dexter-Linwood area or 7 Mile and Chalmers,"</b> says a concerned parent on a <a href="http://www.city-data.com/forum/detroit/187543-need-advice-detroit-historic-neighborhoods-warren-2.html#ixzz1Z6qR5lgy"><span style="color: blue;">Detroit message board</span></a>, <b>"but how many responsible parents would?"</b> Concerned parent, <i>how should I know? I've never been to Detroit.</i> I need to go to Detroit. I've already practiced what I'll look like at People's Records. <br />
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CATCH ME SHOPPIN AT PEOPLE'S, LOOKIN REAL NSFW IN SOME LEGGINGS. </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">11. Lalo Schifrin, <i>Voyage of the Damned</i> score</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> (ATV/Entr'acte, 1977). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.99.</span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"></span></b><br />
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There's no gentle way to say that this is the score of a film about a <a href="http://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Holocaust/stlouis.html"><span style="color: blue;">boatful of doomed Jewish refugees in 1939</span></a>. <i>Voyage of the Damned</i> is a super bummer of a record, but even <i> bummer </i>Lalo, unstimulating Lalo, is Lalo worth having. The music does what it's supposed to - just kind of lulls around in your brain after you've listened. It's not a good sex record; it's a folding laundry with frequent moments of staring off into space record. I could try to sell it by convincing you that owning this Lalo record will provide you with a wonderful object to spark historical conversation with your children about major life themes (persecution, war, humanity). I'll just leave it at <i><b>It's Lalo Schifrin; you need this album.</b></i><br />
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At least 100 Bibles have been to the moon, I read once in <i>Harper's</i> index. It made sense. People like to feel secure when they go on trips in which they might die; Lalo's soothing background music for the boat trip was composed with this credo in mind. And for some levity, let me point out that one of the film's protagonists is named Professor Egon Kreisler, played by THE GOD Max Von Sydow, whose characters always sound like they need to be mentioned in Doom songs ("Lankester Merrin," "Colonel Kosnov," "Antonius Block"). I'd tell this to Doom in person <b>if only he'd bring his tour to my country, the United States. </b><br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">fact:</span> Lalo was nominated for an Oscar for this score. </b>But he was up against Jerry Goldsmith for </i>The Omen<i> and Bernard Herrmann for </i>Taxi Driver<i>, so, unshockingly, Lalo went winless. </i>Shockingly<i>, however, Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now" from </i>Rocky <i>did NOT win Best Song in '77 (Conti lost to Oscar juggernaut Barbra Streisand). This is a 35-year-old fact that I find so irritating it might as well have happened yesterday. </i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</span> "Antonius Block" - DOOM feat. Kool Keith, Danny Brown, Mac Dre, Brian Eno, Scarface, The D.O.C., Reggie Watts, and Nas when he was 19, with some mid-90s UGK skull-rattle bass, someone on a Rhodes from '74, and 3 or 4 Dilla sirens sprinkled throughout. </b></i><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">12. Wait Isn't This the Dude Who's Related to Alice Coltrane, <i>The Golden Age of Apocalypse</i></span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> (Brainfeeder, 2011). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$9.99.</span></span><br />
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Thundercat's real name is Steve Bruner, a name so uncool it sounds like a cop's name, and therefore comes with automatic ironic-cool cachet that almost makes up for the stupid photo above. YES, we see your Louis belt, Officer Steve Bruner of the LAPD's Rampart division. You are dressed like a child and I'm mad you don't use your real name. How could you NOT use the name Steve Bruner professionally? I do not approve of <i>not </i>using the name Steve Bruner. I also do not approve of cutesy-spellings for song titles (track 1: "HooooooO"), or strategically-placed Louis belts. Other than that, <b style="color: #cc0000;">Nice Personnel on Your Record, Thundercat</b> (Badu, the Sa-Ra guys, Daddy Kev). <b style="color: #cc0000;">Nice Musical Genes</b>; sadly, the musical-genes card is not as meaningful as it once was. For every Droop-E and Scoop Deville, there are the LMFAO professional musicians who have the blood of Berry Gordy running through them. And other than <i>that</i>, the best way to appreciate <i>The Golden Age of Apocalypse</i> is to indulge in some lo-fi sexytimes. Listen to some Julian Wass beats. Then listen to 4 Carl Craig tracks, <i>The K + D Sessions</i>, then <i>Dots & Loops</i>, Stanley Clarke's first 3 records, then finish up with that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmHWC4O1azk"><span style="color: blue;">Joy Orbison coke song</span></a>, because I'm pretty sure those are the exact steps Thundercat took before sitting down to make this album. I'll give it a few more listens, though, when I'm more focused. He's a bass player so I will probably grow to love this record. But I'm too annoyed right now about the fact that there are 2 dudes nicknamed "Daddy" on this record's credits (Daddy Kev mastered; Daddy Dave on drums), plus I'm still getting over the radness of the name <i><b>Antonius Block</b></i>. Gimme some time. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact: </span>The Thundercats are apparently already a thing, all rights reserved, and cannot be copied or rebroadcast without the expressed written consent of blah blah. </b>I believe the expression I always hear on </i>Law & Order<i> is "Lawyer up, Thundercat." </i></div>
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<i><b>Personal goal: <span style="color: black;">Make fewer impulse buys at the record store. </span></b><b style="color: black;"> I should also probably listen to more Homeboy Sandman and Ty Segall, but whatever. I'm a busy lady. </b></i><i><b><br />
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<i><b>Most "Are You My Boyfriend?" YouTube Comment: <span style="color: black;">"1:05 looks like Paris the black fu from detroit grand pubahs" - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/comment?lc=qILhy9r6eJKgNikTxNXIm6bFYv68anNNWWkaEJc79Kg"><span style="color: blue;">darkmagik347</span></a>, who should have my phone number.</span></b></i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Cutest YouTube Comment:</b><b> "he's got picachu pants on. DOPE."</b> This tells you everything you need to know about Thundercat and about the fans of Thundercat.</i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>13. Leon Haywood, <i>Keep it in the Family</i></b> (20th Century, 1974). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$1.99.</span></span></div>
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He's got some sort of poly-blend pants on. DOPE! <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most '70s Outfit.</b><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most '70s Cover Design</b> (nature scene + lapels + singer/songwriter wistful gaze, which is usually seen on James Taylor album covers.) <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most '70s Name:</b><b> "Leon Haywood." </b>Sounds like he should be playing bass in Sister Sledge or training Larry Holmes for his next match. </div>
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Sam Cooke hired Leon to play keys in his band, and this is yet another reason as to why Sam Cooke is not nearly as square as his reputation (and cherubic face) leads you to think. I heard Bieber and Curtis Jackson were at the Cotto-Mayweather fight a couple weeks ago.<b> Aw, cute, </b>but hey, I got some grown-man game for you, ESPN: <b><i>Malcolm X sat courtside at the Ali-Liston fight in '64, a seat away from Sam Cooke</i></b> - a fact that further proves that Sam Cooke is not nearly as square as his rep and cherubic face leads you to think. The casual way in which I yield such a fact is proof that I'm like the Nardwuar of midcentury soul music if I were around in the midcentury and had a camera crew and were not afraid of looking foolish on camera. <b>Listen, you need this record.</b> Leon's best known for "I Want'a Do Something Freaky to You," which seems a little forward for a dude who doesn't even know me, but what can I do, I got that allure. He will never do anything as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpL836gqYlI"><span style="color: blue;">incredible</span></a> as that song ever again, <i>and he doesn't have to</i>. Mannie's never making anything half as good as <i>400 Degreez</i> but his legacy is established. I'll still be inconsolable when he dies. <i>If</i> he dies. <strike>Goonies</strike> Whoadies never say die.<br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! fact:</span> X-Cooke-Ali-Liston. </b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </span></b>"Blah blah Big Meech, Larry Hoover/'B.M.F. Beautiful' is a song by Leon Haywood - hallelujah."<b> Include this line in my upcoming mixtape </b></i><b>Teflon Fawn</b><i><b>. (doe eyes)</b></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Internet, amphetamines and seclusion inspired my new album" </span></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">- <strike>Danny Brown</strike> <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2012/jan/29/grimes-boucher-one-to-watch"><span style="color: blue;">Grimes</span></a></span><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">14. Grimes, <i>Visions </i></span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(4AD, 2012). </span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">$12.99.</span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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<b>How could I <i>not </i>love a cutesy woodland creature who shows up in a filthy Gainesville strip club in 1989 to sing over some Magic Mike breaks and also Kraftwerk is her backing band?</b> HOW COULD I NOT LOVE HER. Grimes is rad. <i>Elle est ma</i>, howdoyousay,<i> petit</i> French-Canadian synth-bass chipmunk. But the thing that's troubling about Grimes is that the people who love her music today are the same people who tortured her in high school. I had to buy this, though. <b>You should buy this. </b>Support <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/logan_melissa"><span style="color: blue;">thick-eyebrowed girls who weren't popular in high school</span></a>. <br />
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Big Sean makes way more commercially successful Welcome-to-Gamma-Phi-Beta Whitegirl Party Jams, as every female customer at H&M demonstrates when he comes on the playlist loop and they all walk around mouthing his verses to their friends and I want to die. But Grimes makes the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Whitegirl Jams <i>in This Particular Record Haul</i></b>. She elicits <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtH68PJIQLE"><span style="color: blue;">true, uncut, premium-grade white girlishness inside of my skinny frame and big heart</span></a>, just like when "There is a Light and it Never Goes Out" comes on the car radio and I lose control of my tear ducts and I <i>must sing along. </i>The Smiths turn me into a character in a future-apocalypse sci-fi movie in which I've been given a directive.<i> I must sing along in order to save my own life and the lives of my family members.</i> I feel it pretty deeply, you guys. Anyway, I'm a sarcastic, insecure white woman in a major metro area so of course as I write this I'm wearing my standard-issue Toms, eating a mayo sandwich, watching <i>Girls</i>, listening to Grimes. Bet you didn’t know she did the hooks on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GvB9ySUJ3A&ob=av2e"><span style="color: blue;">"Oh Boy"</span></a> and "Through the Wire," neither.</div>
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<b>Jeopardy!</b><i><b> fact: <span style="color: black;">It <a href="http://library.thinkquest.org/C003603/english/tornadoes/waterspouts.shtml"><span style="color: blue;">rained lizards</span></a> in Montreal once. "Lizards in Montreal," by the way, is the Grimes remix of "N----s in Paris."</span></b></i></div>
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<b><i>Personal goal: <span style="color: black;">Get someone in the universe to create a grime Grimes mixtape - maybe Semtex could host it? - with Rae doing verses and Grimes doing the hooks, called </span></i><span style="color: black;">Son I Had Crazy Visions</span><i><span style="color: black;">. I'd also like to put on a sundress and walk through a grassy meadow while <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6lda4lEs9g&feature=fvwrel"><span style="color: blue;">"Be a Body"</span></a> plays at a hundred decibels. </span></i></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">15. The Dramatics, <i>A Dramatic Experience</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Volt, 1973).</span><span style="font-size: large;"> <span style="color: #cc0000;">$2.99.</span></span></div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Sendakesque Cover.<span style="color: black;"> </span></b><br />
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My dad had an OG copy of this, and misplaced it during the family move from First House to Second House when I was in high school. I got mad at him and went off to pout. I made mischief of one kind, then another kind, and then I sailed back over a year, in and out of weeks, and through a day, and into Poo-Bah Records in Pasadena, and found <i>A Dramatic Experience</i>, then brought <i>A Dramatic Experience</i> home, into the night of my very own room, where I put it on the turntable, AND IT WAS STLL HOT. <b>You need this album.</b><br />
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<i>A Dramatic Experience </i>was recorded in Detroit during the fall of '72. Amazing human <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_J._Harris"><span style="color: blue;">Robert Harris</span></a> was mayor of Ann Arbor at the time and worked with the city council to reduce weed-possession fines. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfG47NsWVYA"><span style="color: blue;">"I'll Be Around"</span></a> was a big hit. The Tigers won their division. You were probably feeling yourself pretty hard if you were from the Detroit major metro area in the early '70s. If it were me, I would've made up a story about how I grew up 2 streets over from Tony Hester, production god, arrangement god, writing god, who roared his terrible production roar and showed his terrible arrangement claws, warning us on <i>A Dramatic Experience</i> that "The Devil is Dope," a song about the joys of hare-on that tries to pass itself off as an anti-drug song. (It's <i>impossible</i> to make an anti-heroin song; email me your counter-arguments if you like, but I will just write "NOPE" in my reply to you.) This album's necessary because it's the Dramatics, simple as that, but they used up the really good stuff a year earlier on <i>Whatcha See is Whatcha Get</i>.<b> If there is a better way to announce yourself to the world than by <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQRR8Poj48o"><span style="color: blue;">screaming and firmly suggesting everyone get the fuck up</span></a>, I don't want to know about it because I will have a hundred orgasms and then drop dead and I ain't done living yet. </b>They incorporate my favorite '70s R&B thing of calling a woman <i>mama </i>("Get up, now look at mama/Look at mama"). Then they fucking start side B with "In the Rain," murdering it, just chewing up and spitting out my heart and guts. Tony Hester was Pac Man, treating my heart and guts like pac-dots. <i>Game</i>, as Lil Flip would say, <i>over</i>.<br />
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Lloyd Banks' "Just Another Day" samples "Beware of the Man with the Candy in His Hand," <i>yet another</i> attempt by '70s musicians to convince me not to try pills and powder; meanwhile, most of the '70s albums in my collection were made by dudes on pills and powder. Sigh. Stop trying to make drugs not cool, musicians. You sound like my middle school principal. Tone Capone does a nice job with the sample; here's the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUrKx-qD4mI"><span style="color: blue;">instrumental version, free of Banks' voice</span></a>, because that's how it should be. Capone also produced "I Got 5 On It" (!!) but had to resort to working with Banks a few years later because the mortgage payment was due. No judgment here. Get it, daddy. Even Donald "Duck" Dunn, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqIDKLI55l0"><span style="color: blue;">bass god</span></a>, may he rest in eternal sexy throbbing-bass peace, played on a freaking <i>Rod Stewart</i> album.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Diverse Side Hustles:</b> Ellis Chapell. An in-house artist for Stax and Volt, he did the cover painting for <i>A Dramatic Experience</i>, designed book covers for John Grisham, Kurt Vonnegut, and Elmore Leonard, was the commissioned portraitist of the Neville Brothers for NARAS, and, most impressively, <i>did the University of Tennessee Dental College portrait of Dr. Jim Slagle! </i></div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Stubborn:</b> me. I’m in the minority in LA with this one, but seeing the Dramatics backing up Snoop in "Doggy Dogg World" is an experience I have always found to be legacy-killing and sad. Same for Roger Troutman in facepaint and spikes in the "California Love" video. Nobody knows how to shame some R&B gods like those shysters at Death Row. I'm digging in my heels and informing you all that The Dramatics shall always remain in the '70s, where they belong, when it comes to my memory.<br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! fact: <span style="color: black;">Oh, I don't know - some random fact about Al Bell or Isaac Hayes. I got a million of 'em. </span></span> </b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal:</span> Make a BDP x Dramatics mixtape. Call it </b></i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=CfrNF9GOMUs#t=244s"><b style="color: blue;">A Lot of MCs Like to Use the Word Dramatics-al</b></a><i><b>.</b></i></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">16. Roberta Flack, <i>First Take</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Atlantic, 1969). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.99.</span></span><br />
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Joel Dorn, producer, is reason enough for me to insist that <b>you need this album</b>. And look - there's <a href="http://ring.cdandlp.com/paul_emile_vinyls/photo_grande/114683963.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Ron "Pretty Flaco" Carter</span></a> on bass! But mostly you need <i>First Take</i> for the smoke-and-look-out-the-window-at-nothing heartbreak standard <b>"The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,"</b> which sounds like something A$AP "Pretty Flaco" Rocky says he hears from girls all the time. (I don't find him to be that pretty, but he keeps insisting that I do). The song is Roberta's take on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYnbcibUwHc"><span style="color: blue;">the ODB classic</span></a> with words that I am too ladylike to repeat here and which is this record haul's <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best 13-Year-Old-Boy Memory-Provoker. </b>Remember when you heard <i>Return to the 36 Chambers </i>for the first time at your friend's house? You were 13 and in love with dirty words and sex talk. You still are, even though you're grown; you just hide it better these days. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact:</span> Joel Dorn once said, "A bell goes off in your stomach when you see or hear something that grabs you." </b>He was describing his ear for good production and, years later, my body's response to 808.<b> </b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </span>Get Roberta to write her autobiography. </b>(Roberta Flack has no autobiography! That's wrong!) I'm guessing she's got a few stories to tell. </i><br />
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<b>Dimension III is fine but it's no <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4w39O-VnhE"><span style="color: blue;">Dimension V</span></a>. </b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">17. The Jimmy Castor Bunch, <i>Dimension III</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(RCA, 1973). </span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">$9.99. </span></div>
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<i>PROMOTIONAL ALBUM--NOT FOR SALE</i>, which is good, because <b>you</b>, sadly, <b>do not need this record.</b> I won't ask you to watch me now <i>or</i> feel the groove when I put this on. <b>You don't need it. Get that YMO record for $9.99 instead.</b><br />
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It's got a lack of Lenny Fridie on congas and that's not Jimmy's fault. He <i>is </i>to blame, however, for the stupid decision to cover "A Whiter Shade of Pale." <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqhHfcak5Ps"><i style="color: blue;">What</i><span style="color: blue;"> in the </span><i style="color: blue;">world</i><span style="color: blue;">.</span></a> The original song is unable to be improved upon, because the original has <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mb3iPP-tHdA"><span style="color: blue;">that Hammond</span></a>. Jimmy's sax can't save the day elsewhere on <i>Dimension III</i>, either. In 1973, <i>nobody </i>could out-horn-section <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OH5OK_Jhj_U"><span style="color: blue;">Willie Hutch</span></a>.<br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span></b><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> fact: </span>You'd describe the third dimension as "Thickness in an object or space," which I wish Alex Trebek would say because it would sound like he's talking about ass. </b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Personal goal: </span>Instigate some kind of silly beef in the comments section. That would be funny and make me feel powerful. </b></i></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Comments Section Suggested Beef Topic: </span>Jimmy's "L.T.D. (Love, Tenderness, Devotion)" are better initials than L.T.D.'s L.T.D. (Love, Togetherness, Devotion). Go. </i></b></div>
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<b>$120 for 17 records. </b><i>Quit fussin</i>, I say to my checking account, <i>There's so much to love in this new group, a bright and lovely bunch, and I wouldn't return any of them - not even Castor.</i> My game needs tightening, though. Spending like this jeopardizes my apartment, plus it's just sad that I can't control myself. My <a href="http://heightfiveseven.blogspot.com/2012/03/no-worries-bout-nothin-just-gettin-good.html"><span style="color: blue;">Beat Swap Meet #18 haul</span></a> just kicked some dirt in my face, then laughed and ran off to tweet about it. <br />
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<i><b><a href="http://www.poobah.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Poo-Bah Records</span></a></b></i><br />
<i><b>2636 E. Colorado Blvd.</b></i><br />
<i><b>Pasadena, CA 91107</b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span> </b></i><b>XXX </b><i><b>on display just for me, I swear; huge selection of used stuff - especially jazz and soul; store DJ plays upstairs from a perch (the Honey Cone! Lee Hazlewood! Pharoah Sanders!); good, cheap prices like the record store gods intended. It's also just down the street from Coffey Optical, which makes me feel like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8nUaE2I4hI"><span style="color: blue;">Dennis</span></a> secretly lives in Pasadena and loves fitting people for frames. </b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</span> My checking account is sad.</b></i><br />
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<br /></div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-28210542660045912422012-04-30T18:30:00.000-07:002012-05-06T23:30:06.140-07:00You got a 100 50 20 10 dollar bill, put your hands up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">
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<b>Siiiingle laaaadieeees, I can’t hear you.</b></div>
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<b>(because this week’s treasures are in my headphones) </b> </div>
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<b><i>Blond hash (hybrid), add to your choice of smoke, $10/gram!!!</i></b> says the sign in the window of my hometown dispensary. I’m not a smoker, but I appreciate the news. Through my brother and Black Hippy songs, I stay up on weed prices just so I have something to talk about at parties, along with my old standby topics <a href="http://www.nba.com/playoffs/2012/westseries3/index.html?ls=st&g=2&t=gs"><span style="color: blue;">“Lakers: Yes”</span></a> and “Do you think I am pretty, y/n.” $10 is a pretty good deal for a blond hash hybrid, right? A gram'll last you a good month or two, right? Aw, I have no idea. In any case, it’s hard to beat ten bucks for anything blond and that is my completely unbiased opinion.<b><i> NEW PATIENTS RECEIVE A FREE WAX SNAP!</i></b>, promises the sign a little farther down, in smaller print. It's getting really good now. There's some thirsty sign-writers at this dispensary. Plus <b>“wax snap”</b> sounds like a record-scavenging term, so I approve.<br />
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$10 is enough to fix you, regardless of your pleasurable substance, if just for a little while.<i> It's not like I'm a fiend or anything, <b>but</b></i> I strongly believe that getting served doesn't need to be expensive. When I went to my hometown to visit my mom last weekend, the ten bucks in my pocket could’ve gone to Starbucks (iced Americano plus an extra shot, plus a muffin), or blond hash to add to my smoke like the alluring dispensary offered. But none of these are fixes for me. So like always, I took my ten bucks to <a href="http://www.gradysrecordrefuge.com/"><span style="color: blue;">the local shop</span></a>, just up the street. Records. Recordsrecords. Sometimes I swear I must have glaucoma because of floaty things in my eyes, but I’m not a weed addict. I’m not any kind of addict. I’m not at all like Nina Simone with her beloved Valium, or Rick Ross with releasing recorded pieces of garbage constantly into the universe; now <i>those </i>two are addicts. I can quit anytime I want to. Also I was just holding it for a friend, I'm quitting on Monday, and I need to borrow $20. Until then, here’s my cute little hometown mini-haul: <b>4 selections for $11! </b>Exhilarating! </div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I'm good for that $20, by the way. And if you can spare $25 you'd really help me out of a jam. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Stanley Clarke, <i>Journey to Love</i> </b></span><span style="font-size: large;">(Nemperor, 1975). <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">$3. </span></b></span></div>
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Stanley Clarke was from Philly and had great facial hair, just like Freeway. He was also famous for playing the double bass, which, as someone with a license plate that says <b>"MORE808,"</b> is a phrase that makes my blood pump faster. <i>DOUBLE BASS</i>. This is like saying <i>double small-of-my-back caressing</i> or <i>double piles of $100 bills</i> to me.<i><br />
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<b>“Thanks to L. Ron Hubbard for his never-ending inspiration,”</b> it says just above Stan’s big beautiful face on the back, prompting a good, firm <i><b>What in the fuck?</b></i> from this little lady. I read it out loud to myself in the store just to make sure it was real. Stanley was clearly drunk when he wrote his thank yous, because everyone knows L. Ron Hubbard maybe supported Apartheid and was probably a bad person. This information is easily accessible. Stanley meant to shoutout <i>Freddie </i>Hubbard, I decided out of pure stubbornness, because that's how I live my life. But after a minute of straight confusion I just gave in, succumbed to the weird Scientology juju, and shouted out THE GOD <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/explainer/2008/08/the_afterlife_for_scientologists.html"><span style="color: blue;">Isaac Hayes</span></a>. Who am I, after all, to judge someone else’s spiritual truth? Get 'em, Stanley Clarke, with your religious beliefs that creep everybody out. You're in good company. (Stanley learned Scientology from Chick Corea, like how Prince learned about being a Jehovah's witness from Larry Graham. Stan and Chick are the jazzy, dad's-record-collection version of religious-indoctrination music friends.)<br />
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<i>Journey to Love</i> is called a classic by the dads of the world. How silly. Calm down, dads. The album’s just your basic cleaning-the-house record (side B especially), with some perfectly nice guest appearances (Jeff Beck, George Duke). What really sells this thing is “Concerto for Jazz/Rock Orchestra,” the world’s clunkiest title for a song that happens to be the source of some good breaks—like the part at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NXoq6hO3Jus#t=111s" style="color: blue;">this exact moment</a>, from <i>Endtroducing...</i>, and the one in that song by the King of Detroit/my heart, Danny Brown (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAG1TCSTVTc"><span style="color: blue;">“Guitar Solo”</span></a>). <b>“Hey, glasses-wearing production wizard Quelle Chris, where’s that loop from?,”</b> I almost asked him about a hundred times on Twitter right after I got <i>The Hybrid</i>, but stopped because I am shy. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAG1TCSTVTc&feature=player_detailpage#t=47s"><span style="color: blue;">I hoped I’d find out the answer at the guitar solo</span></a>. And wouldn't you know, that's exactly what happened. </div>
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(Guitar solo by David Sancious.) </div>
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“Song for John II” has a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=dsB1VQuYWE0#t=278s"><span style="color: blue;">pretty, 9-note piano snippet</span></a> that would make for an excellently emo break. C’mon, producers. And the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdlwV-_DTH0"><span style="color: blue;">plinky sounds at the beginning of the title track</span></a> sound like the “Thuggish Ruggish Bone” break even though, yes, I am aware of the actual sample source. Any mention of Bone Thugs in 2012 means I’m either talking about Rocky’s flow, listening to KDAY’s lunchtime hour, marveling at how much Delonte West looks like Bizzy Bone, or complaining about the current lack of sing-song rap. I’m also complaining about the continued presence of Khalifa on my car radio, and about the stereotypes that seem inherent to rapper profiles (in which the profiler marvels at the fact that the rapper being profiled is actually an <i>intelligent human being who is careful with his money.</i>) Grantland, I adore you. But the <a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/48492/three-doses-of-waka-flocka-flame" style="color: blue;">“You mean to tell me Waka’s not a complete moron?”</a> story angle is not compelling. Waka loves his mom, I assume. He watches <i>Sportscenter</i>, goes to CVS or whatever the Georgia version of CVS is, and is not a Vice Lord. <b>This description also fits me, my mailman, and everyone reading this, probably.</b> Adult Swim, emoticons, the mall, McDonald’s, all normal everything: WE ARE ALL WAKA, except for the part about having beautiful hair and being 7 feet tall. His normalcy is not surprising. Plus he has zero felonies, which is good, because having even one thing in common with Chris Brown or Scooter Libby makes you less of a man. Listen, I’m not against <i>rap</i>. I’m not against rap<i>pers</i>. But I <i>am</i> against those thugs.</div>
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ANYWAY. Stanley graduated to soundtracks in the ‘90s, a classic hustle for every family man in the industry who is middle-aged and tired of touring. Stanley also briefly worked on the music for <i>Pee-Wee’s Playhouse</i> (!), a fact which delights the 9-year old girl inside of me. (The show also received musical contributions from Danny Elfman and Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh—a fact that I should've known in preparation for my upcoming <i>Jeopardy!</i> appearance, even though Devo is more <i>Cash Cab</i> than <i>Jeopardy!)</i> <br />
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[Stan later did the music for <i>Roll Bounce</i> (with Nile Rodgers!). I’m embarrassed to say how many times I’ve seen that film, but this has less to do with my choices in viewing habits or my weakness for Bow Wow’s seductive eyes and 5’2” stature (swoon) as it does with VH-1’s rerun habits. The film has a scene where all the boys are watching Meagan Good put on her skates and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5AztWseIdU" style="color: blue;">“Love to Love You Baby”</a> is playing. It’s seductive as hell, not because I want to make out with Meagan although that would be just fine, but because I want to <i>be</i> Meagan. Listen, guys: we all just want to be gazed upon like in corny urban youth life lesson movies, or kicked game to while a song plays, like in the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=P0FKzPfsxA4#t=82s" style="color: blue;">“Every Little Step”</a> video.] </div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Jeopardy!<i> Fact: </i></span></b><i>Nemperor Records was started by the Beatles’ manager Brian Epstein, who carried on a love affair with speed and benzos that ended badly. Re-routing your brain chemicals is probably the only way to live when you’re gay and it’s </i>illegal to be gay in your home country<i>, though. The closest I can come to understanding this kind of anguish is when I think about the world we live in and the fact that there are monsters out there who have the nerve to sell their old Zapp and Bunny Wailer records to local stores. </i></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red;">Personal goal: </span></i></b><i>Well, go on a journey to love, obviously. It’s the best kind of journey upon which a lady can possibly embark. </i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Vanilla Fudge</i></b> (ATCO, 1967). <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">$5. </span></b></span></div>
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<i>This </i>goddamn band had the arrogance/cluelessness to do a droning, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Yl8u2vGuwc"><span style="color: blue;">nonironic cover of “Shotgun,”</span></a> so I am kind of mad at them. And their “Eleanor Rigby” is long and rambl-y, like how I can be with blog posts sometimes. <i>Vanilla Fudge</i> is worth having based entirely on their version of “Bang Bang,” <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGvtpXIVr34"><span style="color: blue;">beauuuutifully looped by the Alchemist</span></a>, who then had to go fuck it up by getting mushmouth Lloyd Banks to say some rhymed words over it. The song is apparently from a video game called <i>Saints Row</i>, with which I am unfamiliar because I am a lady, but I looked it up and its basic premise is “cartoony gang violence and cornball voiceovers,” which explains the whole Banks connection.<br />
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They take on “People Get Ready” and “You Keep Me Hanging On,” which is pretty gutsy. I respect guts. But I’m not sure what’s supposed to be appealing about slowed-down, droning covers of Mayfield and Motown songs--and even in the producing hands of THE GOD Shadow Morton, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w69BCS6-dy4"><span style="color: blue;">whose echo chamber I would like to live in forever and ever</span></a> (oh hello, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X-UFPdZpAs"><span style="color: blue;">Organized Noize!</span></a>), they still can't get it right. Am I being too hard on Vanilla Fudge? Hm. Probably. It's my high standards. No apologies. But to keep things in perspective, I’ll point out that The Doors’ “Light My Fire,” Morrison's droning exercise in how to sound bored while describing sex, was #1 in the country when this record came out. Drone, drone. People like terrible music, what can you do. But then, Aretha’s “Baby I Love You,” a song that is not droning or terrible in the least, was riding high on the charts too. Jerry Wexler never produced droning stuff, you guys, plus he’s one in a long line of musical production gods for whom I would convert to Judaism if asked. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J82b8YuKbVs&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">Ain’t no doubt about it, baby I love him</span></a>. </div>
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Madlib used “Eleanor Rigby” in a Lootpack’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ay5mplrgCvI"><span style="color: blue;">“Crate Diggin.”</span></a> “Never Top 40,” he says in the song, “just that raw addict vintage.” I do not subscribe to this philosophy, since driving around in the Prius with the radio on is one of my life’s great pleasures. But arguing with Madlib about music is like arguing with me about hips, meaning: <b>don’t do that. </b>Respect the master. I’ve reached my saturation point with regard to various popular-culture touchstones in 2012; I’m good when it comes to holograms, hearing that goddamn Gotye song again, and seeing Tebow’s stupid face. I’m <i>never ever</i> good, however, in terms of seeing enough Madlib interviews. Just found <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ2azE6KSbw"><span style="color: blue;">this one</span></a>, in which he does his impression of an adult human Earthling doing earthly things (haircut, dinner). He slips up at the end when he admits he can restore his body's power supply on 2 hours of sleep per night, which is of course how they do on his home planet. Otis, I see your outer-space glow under your human skin suit. Nice try. </div>
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<b>“For best results observe the R.I.A.A. high frequency roll-off characteristic with a 500 cycle crossover.” OBVIOUSLY.</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #c00000; line-height: 115%;">Jeopardy!<i> fact: </i></span></b><i><span style="line-height: 115%;">Th</span></i><i>e note above is pretty common on records from the ‘50s and ‘60s, when different record companies used different EQ compensation curves. Turnover is where the bass boost starts, I just learned; rollover is where the treble cut starts. Preamps had controls that adjusted accordingly for proper sound. Today, most records use the standard RIAA curve. This newly-acquired piece of knowledge could very likely mean that I have reached my nerd apex. This is big for me! Buy me a drink next time we hang out. </i><b><i><span style="line-height: 115%;"><br />
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<span style="color: #c00000;">Personal goal: </span></span></i></b><i><span style="line-height: 115%;"><b>Change the curve standard when it comes to hips</b>, you feel me? (Pretty sure you do.)</span></i></div>
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<b>MORE FLOUNCE TO THE OUNCE. </b></div>
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<b>Shield me from the harsh rays of the sun, O Dayton funk gods! </b><br />
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<b>(And for Zapp/bikini-clad rap-break nerd continuity, somebody <i>please</i> mention Biggie mumbling “somethingsomething, nice breasts in the west” in the comments or I’ll be really disappointed.) </b></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Zapp</i> </b></span><span style="font-size: large;">(Warner Bros., 1980). <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">$1. </span></b></span></div>
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There are those dudes, the car-aesthetic nerds of the world, who probably love Daytons more than me. Curren$y for sure, and maybe Trick Daddy. Who loves <i>Zapp</i> more than me, though? Nobody! <b>Nobody</b>. Except maybe Dam-Funk and Quik. Nobody else, though. Yes I’m still watching Quik’s “What’s in My Bag?” often, and living, absolutely <i>living</i> for the moment at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HTRXnuwGlM&feature=player_detailpage#t=112s"><span style="color: blue;">01:52</span></a> when the interviewer asks him what kind of equipment he listens on and he goes, “Oh, my system?” and does the old-man lean complete with the hand on the hip and the attempt to suppress how excited he is about what he’s about to describe. Love him. Quik’s aging really well, too, right? He’ll always look like he’s 25.</div>
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<i>Zapp </i>came out in the summer, when the average temperature in Dayton is 83. That's perfect weather for driving around while being bathed in talkboxy bass. In LA we know about it. We know Zapp. It would normally be unnecessary for a Los Angeles County lady to purchase this album, since “More Bounce” plays on local radio between 6 and 8 times daily. However, when that resident sees a copy of it for $1 at the local shop, well, she would be a fool not to buy it. Apparently it was produced by a William “Bootsy” Collins (?) whom I will be Googling shortly. I'd like to find out more about him, see if he worked on any other albums. <i><b>Recorded at United Sound Systems in Detroit, Michigan</b> </i>it says in tiny print, upside down, on the back cover,<i> like I’m not going to notice.</i> That studio is legendary—John Lee Hooker<span style="color: #c00000;">*</span>, Marvin, Aretha. Summon those spirits, Bootsy!</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">“Make it Zappy. It’s about that mowf.”</span> I wanna say <i>CHUUUCH </i>but I’m far too schoolteacherish to pull it off. I’ll just stick with <i>Truuuue, true</i>. </b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">“So where’s that mowf at right now?”</span> the back cover wants to know, prompting a <i>Whoa, HEY! You don’t know me like that</i> from me every time I see it. Every time. </b></div>
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Known for its Ohio players (Kyrie Irving, Jim Brown), its Ohio players (Faze-O, The Pretenders, Slave, Bone Thugs), and its Ohio Players (from Dayton, just like Zapp), it's a red state that holds no allure for me outside of its contributions to my record collection. But the power of Roger Troutman is evident when you consider that last year we voted to make “More Bounce,” a song done by <i>Ohioans</i>, the official song of LA. It narrowly beat out “Welcome to the Jungle” (meh), <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiPbeIXZpD4"><span style="color: blue;">“It's Funky Enough”</span></a> (which it <i>is</i>, obviously), and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3N0AQtkOiIE"><span style="color: blue;">“Whoop Whoop,”</span></a> because that beat and Kam’s beautifully bright white tshirts represent the best of Los Angeles in such a fresh way. (Sorry, Cube.) Roger Troutman also deserves accolades for beating the tremendous odds stacked against him by being born with the name <b><i>Roger Troutman</i></b>.<br />
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The radio version of "More Bounce" cuts out the first few minutes, and really, you’re not missing much. The fact remains that I LOVE a song that bosses me around and calls me “mama” like ‘70s men used to<span style="color: red;">*</span>. <i>Getgetgetgetgetgetonnnnn the dance floooooor, baby/Get dowwwwwn, mama.</i> YES, MASTER, WATCH ME GET DOWN; is this good for you and are you enjoying what I am working with? I just wanna please the song. I let the song slap me around a little bit. I’m even willing to shut up about various ridiculous things (like my theory explaining why <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3N0AQtkOiIE&feature=player_detailpage#t=56s" style="color: blue;">Southside gets a whole extra whoop</a>), just because “More Bounce” tells me to shut up. Sometimes I try to talk back but then the song grabs my shoulders and says stuff like <i>You gon learn, Logan. You gon learn. </i><br />
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<i><span style="color: red;">*</span> </i>In 2012 we get “mami,” which just isn't as good.<i><br />
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<b><span style="color: red;">Jeopardy!<i> fact: </i></span></b><a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7764369/john-calipari-anthony-davis-trip-final-four-new-orleans" style="color: blue;"><b><i>The NCAA banned the use of the word “player.”</i></b></a><i> Not only is this insanely dumb and insulting to our intelligence (they're student athletes, says the NCAA, emphasis on “student”! Pay no mind to the revenue generated from TV and licensing deals!), the ban made it hard when I tried to request </i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hn-enjcgV1o" style="color: blue;"><i>“Baby Come Back”</i></a><i> from the DJ during Kentucky's post-victory party back at </i><a href="http://www.nj.com/college-basketball/index.ssf/2012/04/politi_for_kentuckys_michael_kidd-gilchrist_the_hard_part_comes_off_the_court.html" style="color: blue;"><i>Kidd-Gilchrist's</i></a><i> place. “Pplayer” (the spelling according to the back of </i>Zapp<i>) is still fine, luckily, and it sounds just like Slum Village’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqylSGpyhOI"><span style="color: blue;">“Playyyy-errrrrs.”</span></a> I’m still not convinced it isn’t. I’m aware of the alleged sample source, but I don't care. I’m stubborn. </i></div>
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<b><i><span style="color: red;">Personal goal: </span></i></b><i>Get somebody to use <b style="color: #cc0000;">*</b>“The Motor City’s Burning” as a break. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67ufrcQlKt4&feature=player_detailpage#t=11s" style="color: blue;">How player would that be, man.</a></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Bunny Wailer, <i>Blackheart Man</i></b></span><span style="font-size: large;"> (Island, 1976). <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">$2!</span></b></span></div>
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I know alllllll about Jamaica because of Sly & Robbie, and my ex-boyfriend <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmkXaChEqtE"><span style="color: blue;">Lennox</span></a> from <i>Belly</i>. It’s a terribly frightening paradise with floaty basslines and crushing poverty, sexy dance moves, ass, super dope soundclashes, class warfare. Lots of easy-to-fetishize qualities; you get the idea. My life in Echo Park can't compete, but still, who wan ramp wit me? NOBODY, since I got this piece of round black vinyl containing gorgeous music. <i><b>BUNNY WAILER 2 BUCKS</b></i>, I sent in a jubilant text to my brother when I found this magical object. Not bragging; just sharing the good news. </div>
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The title track sells the whole thing. It's beautiful. (The blackheart man in apt. 680 these days is Willard Mitt Romney, although I suppose he’s more DepravedIndifferenceMan, or maybe just ArrogantMan.) And that Tommy McCook flute to open: whyyyy hasn’t someone chopped and looped it? </div>
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The song’s about the weirdo in the neighborhood who’s either quiet and misunderstood but ultimately gentle (Boo Radley) or quiet and really fucking paranoid (George Zimmerman). Bunny and Peter have similar voices, with Bunny’s being a little lower, I guess? I like the lower registers of musical gentlemen, nice baritones—Kool AD, Rakim, Bun, whatshisname in The National. They all sound stern, like they’re giving me daddy lectures when they catch me sneaking into the house at 2 AM. Love it.<br />
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I could do without most of side B. And Bunny’s “Armagideon” is not as lovely as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OBafgG9SpQ"><span style="color: blue;">Willie Williams’,</span></a> which causes a small amount of disappointment. Still, <i>Blackheart Man</i> is a treasure. Find it. You got your <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYw1gcLo8hg&lc=yKrFbkVIlNxYLpfquJqmerG-FUGOYKaGNEtuszAf2b8"><span style="color: blue;">Iyaric</span></a> lessons, standard; floaty basslines, songs about glory and trains. Snatch it up if you get the chance, if only so that you can join the club started by that random YouTube commenter in which we all sit around and talk about how <a href="http://www.youtube.com/comment?lc=yKrFbkVIlNxYLpfquJqmerG-FUGOYKaGNEtuszAf2b8"><span style="color: blue;">disturbingly proud</span></a> we are to have <i>Blackheart Man</i> on vinyl. </div>
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It’s got all the credits you’d expect from an Island record in the '70s—last names like Barrett, Tosh, Blackwell. There’s Richard “Dirty Harry” Hall on saxophone, who lacks a pop-culture sax-riff moment (<a href="http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/greg-ham-dies-found-dead-men-at-work-flute-player-314266" style="color: blue;">RIP Greg Ham</a>!) but nonetheless makes his presence felt by stealing both the show and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sR04LPKqfDE" style="color: blue;">the DJ booth</a> in <i>Rockers</i>. Knowing what's best for the crowd because he is a magical shaman psychologist, he plays “Queen Majesty,” a 1) <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lB751HLIT5M"><span style="color: blue;">Curtis-Mayfield-written</span></a> 2) plea for romance despite socioeconomic differences that 3) has the loveliest chord progression I've heard all week, which is basically <b><i>every element that a great song could possibly contain</i></b>, other than maybe 4) some Rick Rock production? Although the greatest moment in <i>Rockers</i> is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqFpmvH2POY" style="color: blue;">Kiddus I in the studio</a>, the club takeover is one epic movie scene. SWOON, THOSE CHORDS. <b>“Queen Majesty” interlude, yall. </b></div>
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<b><span style="color: red;">Jeopardy!<i> fact:</i></span></b><i><span style="color: red;"> </span></i><i>In the universe’s latest LOL, it turns out <a href="http://blogs.jta.org/wanderingjew/article/2010/01/21/1010273/jamaican-jewish-ties-belafonte-and-farrakhan-maybe-but-definitely-not-marley" style="color: blue;">Farrakhan is part Jewish, maybe?</a> </i></div>
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<span data-mce-style="color: #ff0000;" style="color: red; font-size: small;"><b><i>Personal goal:</i></b><i> </i></span><i>Find a version of </i>Rockers<i> without subtitles. I <span data-mce-style="text-decoration: line-through;" style="text-decoration: line-through;">understand</span> overstand their inclusion but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Bemoaning the RapGenius-ing of this great country is my new party-conversation topic. My opening argument is that it's turned us all into a bunch of needy, dumb babies. I close with "When Doom gets a verified account, I'll consider giving it a chance." Then I turn and sashay off.<br />
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.. .</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-33998942011595991432012-04-23T10:47:00.000-07:002012-04-25T00:00:04.485-07:00Tied By 12: The Time x Buddy Miles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Guys! Here’s me at Coachella!</i> is how this post was supposed to begin. <i>Above, here’s what I wore! We drove for 4 hours and, per tradition, we hit up the In-N-Out just after checking into Motel 6 because I don’t need fancy accommodations but I </i>do <i>need a big delicious burger – no onions, extra spread! At the show, hearing Snoop’s </i><b>If you ain’t up on thaaaaangs</b><i> – the </i><b>very sound</b><i> of so many of car rides with LA boys during my bad-girl years<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span> – was worth the entire trip! I saw the still-lanky Kurupt on stage left, and I shouted my appreciation at him from the crowd! He’ll always be the king of kadence! Did I say Coachella? Kuz what I meant was KOACHELLA. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Alas, <i>Guys! I’m broke!</i> is the reality. <i>Guys, I’m in my apartment. <a href="http://thejasminebrand.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/wiz-radio.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">LOOK</span></a> AT THIS CLOWN, GUYS I NEED SOME NEW DOOM. </i>So I’m in apt. 680 in my sad, sexy Coachella clothes, and SIGH there’s no new Doom over which to obsess. And there’s no Fantasy Football yet, so there’s no roster for me to play with. And the evening’s episode of <i>How the States Got Their Shapes</i> is a rerun. So…records, then. Always records. Serotonin reuptake through records. My go-to cheering-up activity is to pull 2 records at random from apt. 680′s thick, wonderful stacks and challenge myself to a degrees-of-separation game. I am known around town for my hips but my most valuable inner quality, the one that drives all the boys crazy, is that I can tie together any 2 records through their common qualities, personnel, historical placement, usage in rap songs, color schemes, life lessons, degrees of separation from Doom. Me and my wacky brain fulla trivia and rap lyrics! I tell you it’s a wonder I remain single, Internet.
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>That's a joke, Mom! I had no bad-girl years. Love you.</i></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Time, <i>Ice Cream Castle</i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> (Warner Bros., 1984). $4.99. </span></span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Buddy Miles, <i>Them Changes</i> (Mercury, 1970). $0 (Dad's collection).</b></span><br />
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<b>Buddy Miles' <i>Them Changes</i></b> and <b>The Time's <i>Ice Cream Castle</i></b> were my 2 randomly-selected gems for the week. (The selection process was <i>truly </i>random, I promise. I put my hand over my eyes and just started grabbing at what was in front of me, which also describes my technique in bed with a gentleman). The purpose isn’t to compare or rank the albums; that's more of a guy activity, like the sad little conversations I always seem to wander into when dudes are debating the merits of rap song X vs. rap song Y. Stop it! <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrOH-KHxXg0&feature=player_embedded"><span style="color: blue;">“Both teams played hard, my man”</span></a>! <i>Ice Cream Castle</i> and <i>Them Changes</i> are both life-improving records, and you should have both of them in your collection if you hope to one day personally experience my technique in bed. They also happen to have <b><i>exactly twelve areas</i> of commonality</b>, a beautiful example of life's cosmic tendencies, since this means I get to pull out a terrific <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=yXBckFyiMyU#t=35s"><span style="color: blue;">rap pun</span></a> from my arsenal. Watch me don my almost-Coachella outfit and celebrate 2 records with unfairly-overshadowed frontmen (Morris : Prince :: Buddy : Jimi Hendrix), which is mostly a tribute to the ways that the 2 records are connected, which is pretty much a front for <b><i>Watch me show off the endless snippets of nerdery I have in my head</i>.</b> Sorry, guys. Thanks for tolerating my annoying, adorable ass. But just think of how proud you'll be when I finally make it to <i>Jeopardy! </i></div>
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<b>1. BEING THE AZ TO SOMEONE ELSE'S NAS/THE REN TO SOMEONE ELSE'S ICE CUBE. </b></div>
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On a 1988 episode of <i>Soul Train</i>, Morris Day was on as a “special guest/afterthought,” billed under featured performers Dana Dane who <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WD9MquMZNEg"><span style="color: blue;">cold rocked it</span></a>, and later in the hour, Eddie Kendricks (!) and David Ruffin (!!). Morris was on the show to promote his solo record, <i>Daydreaming</i>, but who cared? Nobody cared. The crowd only wanted to see him order Jerome to throw that lady in the dumpster, talk about his home (oh lawwd is it exciting), then close with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3baswqxdYhU"><span style="color: blue;">“Get It Up”</span></a> and finish with a shoutout to Madame CJ Walker for being a perm visionary. <b><i>Morris worked with Prince!</i></b>, even <i>I</i>, noted Morris fan, would've said if I had been in the audience during the taping.<i><b> Do you think he can introduce me to Prince??</b> Hey, do you guys like my Prince shirt? Can Prince really not get that hip transplant he needs because of the Jehovah's Witness blood-transfusion thing? PrincePrincePriiiiiiiince. </i>With that lineup it must've been a super rad episode, especially for this particular blogger who is a noted Temps groupie, but a super symbolic episode too. <i>Soul Train</i> #17.23 is just so very <i>typical </i>of Morris' experience in the industry. He's a man with the good fortune and smarts to have linked up with musical meteor Prince, and appear on the same TV program with THE GOD David Ruffin and a rapping fake-Englishman with style, but relative to all of his co-stars, he's always the less-dope. Always. I would buy whatever car, pill, or encyclopedia set Morris E. Day is pushing, but it's not like <i>Morris Day</i> made me <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jy6A9qAF4cY"><span style="color: blue;">die and ascend to Sexy Heaven on that grassy field in '08</span></a>. I mean, neither<span style="color: blue;"> </span><a href="http://images.wikia.com/goonies/images/c/c1/Tumblr_lhr2ynVZAG1qamwa1o1_250.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Mouth</span></a> nor I have a <i>Morris Day</i> shirt, youfeelme:<br />
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Same thing for Buddy. <b>“Buddy Miles: Flamboyant Jimi Hendrix Drummer, Dies”</b> went his typical obituary headline in 2008. <b>“Buddy Miles, 60, of Hendrix group Band of Gypsys, Dies.”</b> Buddy was Jimi's sideman <i>even in death</i>, though in life he seemed more cheerful about being constantly overshadowed by his musical associate than Morris ever felt about being overshadowed by you-know-who (ahem, cranky quotes from Mr. Day in <a href="http://www.waxpoetics.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Morris-Day-Spread.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">the most recent issue of </span><i style="color: blue;">WaxPo</i></a>). “Morris” was at least his real name, though - Buddy wasn't even a <i>Buddy</i>; he was a <i>George </i>who was <i>nicknamed </i>Buddy
in honor of drummer Buddy Rich, a common activity for jazz people (like his dad, a bassist). I can respect the practice of naming-in-musical-tribute, but it still seems it like would do a number on your manhood. Did George feel hollow inside his whole life? Did he feel like he wasn't good enough? And have I just developed a whole back story about the ego struggles of a man in my record collection whom I've never met? </div>
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<b>2. VOCAL SKILL TO EXPRESS WEATHER-RELATED DESPERATION.</b></div>
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Buddy Miles was from Nebraska but spent much of his music career in Chicago. The Time are Minnesotans. Delicate, thin-skinned lady that I am, catch me NOT being in any of these locations during the winter, thank you. It's a frigid 58 degrees on this Los Angeles evening; I need to be wrapped in a blanket and held close. </div>
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It's not like Buddy or Morris were terribly skilled, vocals-wise. Neither was fucking with my heart <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlJtQLg4bpU"><span style="color: blue;">Anthony Hamilton</span></a>-style. But they both made up for lack of vocal power and range with the charm and good hair required of all frontmen. Morris was cool about it (“bearskin rug/fireplace too”) and Buddy was pleading about it (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyHbLyvxveU"><span style="color: blue;">“You're my heart's delight</span></a>/Oh baby don't you know you're outta sight/Oh when I can't find a reason or way, no no no no no no no no”), but in the case of both men, they used their bag of musical tricks to convince female bodies to keep them warm, because it’s FUCKING FREEZING.</div>
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">3. BREAKS.</b></div>
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This category gave me a gang of trouble at first. It's not <i>impossible </i>to link Buddy and The Time through rap-breaks use; it just <i>seems </i>that way because of The Time's minimal album output and <i>very </i>minimal history of having their stuff mined for breaks. If DJ Assault also took a <i>Buddy Miles</i> song and laid it over a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lk6RQNk4LY0"><span style="color: blue;">'97-warehouse-bursting-with-love lady vocal</span></a>, my work here would be done, the link would be established and I could just pack it in, submit the blog post and lay my body down on my comfy couch, <i>Blue Dream & Lean</i> on the iPod (still! Like 2 months later! GO J.). Alas, there's no ghettotech Buddy Miles remix so I'll have to take the long route. Linking <i>Them Changes</i> and <i>Ice Cream Castle</i> through breaks takes the nerdiest of brain circuitries and a lot of free time, both of which I have, lucky for <i>WaxPo</i>.</div>
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<b>The cleanest way to connect the two is to start with Buddy's cover of Neil Young's “Down By the River.”</b> It’s been chopped and looped extensively by producers, but of course the one for whom I have the most affection is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6RC4aQ1Ag9E"><span style="color: blue;">Diamond D</span></a>, who once said <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SgJOFXl_5c"><i style="color: blue;">I got a thousand old records in my crib</i></a>, thereby securing his place in my heart for all time since <i>I got that many of that exact same thing!</i> But I also have a thousand new mp3s in my crib, courtesy of my generous 17-year-old cousin with great taste in music; I rely on him to keep my DatPiff game strong, since I do not have time to go through heaps of new daily rap offerings, daily rap news. I didn't even know Snoop was officially dabbling in Rastafarianism until last week. Shit is, as they say, exhausting. (Thanks for the help, Kev!)<br />
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This'll be our year of coming to grips with the “old enough to have baby-sat current rappers when they were kids” reality, guys. I could be the great-grandma of Chief Keef, whom I believe is just now starting on solid foods. RZA is doing <a href="http://www.datpiff.com/pop-mixtape-player.php?id=m615acd6&tid=3"><span style="color: blue;">things like this now</span></a>. There is an actual recorded piece of music by the corny-human trifecta of Chris Brown, Big Sean, and oh good LORD, <i>Wiz Khalifa</i>, aptly called “Til I Die,” since the title describes the length of time that I would've been satisfied going without hearing a song with those 3 on it. (Be sure to catch Tebow, Sean Hannity, and people who use the term “YOLO” on the More People Logan Can't Fucking Stand remix.) I'm lucky that my college-years hero El-P is still around, aging gracefully, ruling, making <a href="http://pitchfork.com/reviews/tracks/13384-dont-die/"><span style="color: blue;">rap songs that sound like rap songs with his friends</span></a>, Larry <strike>David</strike> Davis references and all. Banner's still large and in charge, shouting out <a href="http://rapradar.com/2012/03/28/new-music-david-banner-x-tank-let-me-in/"><span style="color: blue;">Louis C.K. “for the inspiration”</span></a> and making me smile. There's all kinds of new drug raps too, new feelings to behold, like Lil B with all those Flame tapes, a different flavor for every mood, and hey!, would you look at that, <a href="http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/19106"><span style="color: blue;">even Warhol loved Addy</span></a>. Aesop Rock's on Rhymesayers now, so that's fun. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOnYZ5uUkNo"><span style="color: blue;">Nickatina</span></a> will never stop, not ever. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6UsGx0rm7Xo#"><span style="color: blue;">Denmark Vessey</span></a> had last week's Logan-Walking-Down-the-Street-in-a-Sundress jam. And actually it's kind of cool that these days second-generation sample sources continue to dominate - most of Curren$y's discography immediately comes to mind (I believe it was either Monsta or Dame who used that Outkast that sampled the Five Stairsteps-?). <i>Inspirational </i>sample sources should be included in this group too - songs like Smif n Wessun's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSJAX8XM5YE"><span style="color: blue;">“Gunn Rap”</span></a> from '05, on which Khrysis looped the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=s5_5ik5ZM6M#t=124s"><span style="color: blue;">pretty clavinet from <b>“Down by the River”</b></span></a> and probably got the idea to do so by listening to that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ph6Stpwdn-A"><span style="color: blue;">Akinyele</span></a> album over and over (produced by Main Source). This is pure speculation on my part about Khrysis' inspiration sources, but c'mon son. I'm not an idiot.</div>
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(Khrysis now produces Mac Miller, which means he has the actual words “Producer of Sean P, Cormega, <i>and Mac Miller</i>” on his ASCAP credits. Rap game hilarious.) </div>
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Andre Lewis played that clavinet on <b>“Down by the River,”</b> and on Johnny “Guitar” Watson’s “Lovin’ You,” used by Just Blaze on Jay-Z’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8z5ZdMHNwo"><span style="color: blue;">“People Talkin”</span></a> during <i>Blueprint</i>-era Jay. <i>Blueprint</i>-era Jay was of course <i>Kanye</i>-era Jay, according to Kanye, who went on to sample a bunch of Prince songs and there's your link to The Time in 5 degrees of separation! Behold my efficiency! But a funner way to link back to The Time is to reference that Kanye song about lesbians and French robots in which he mentions the length of time that he has been fond of a lady (since Prince was on Apollonia - 2 persons who starred in a movie with <b>Morris Day</b>). I'd like to take a moment to ask if anyone out there can link Buddy Miles to The Time via <span style="color: #cc0000;">Kool Keith’s “Like Prince, all the panties hit the floor in one room in Paisley.”</span> If it's you, I think we're supposed to get married. Email me for directions to my apartment. I have a comfy blue couch and <b>this </b>is already on the hi-fi:</div>
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<b>4. VENKMAN, SPENGLER, STANTZ, ZEDDEMORE.</b></div>
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<b>Ray Parker Jr.</b>, famous for the <i>Ghostbusters</i> theme (and, in my apartment, famous for producing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFjhdqB4_EY"><span style="color: blue;">“Mr. Telephone Man”</span></a>), played on <i>All the Faces of Buddy Miles</i> which came out four years after <b><i>Them Changes</i></b>. Parker, a Barry White associate, played on <b>“I’m Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Babe.”</b> The Cecil Holmes Soulful Sounds' version was sampled on Mos Def’s “Grown Man Business,” the producer of which was <i>who? <b> </b></i></div>
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<b>Minnesota</b>!</div>
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Dueling online dictionary sources tell me <i>Minnesota </i>means either “sky-tinted water” or “cloudy water” in the Dakota language; either way, it's lovely and evocative. Minnesota is the home state of a band called The Time, a corporation called Target, and a lake called <i>Minnetonka</i>, which of course means <a href="http://ferdyonfilms.com/Rain%2010.jpeg"><span style="color: blue;">“Don’t get my seat all wet, topless lady.”</span></a> </div>
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[Fun with translations can continue endlessly via the <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087957/releaseinfo#akas"><span style="color: blue;">“also known as”</span></a> feature on imdb. In Portugal, <i>Purple Rain</i> was released as the ridiculously appropriate <i>Viva a Música</i>. In the Netherlands, <i>Ghostbusters</i> was called <i>Het Bovennatuurlijke Superspektakel</i> - <b>“Supernaturalism Super Show”</b>! SO FRESH. If you were in Denmark in 1984, you no doubt went to see the hit film <i>Frækkere end Politiet Tillader</i>, about a police officer in Beverly Hills who's a huge Detroit Lions fan: <b>“Kinky Cop.”</b> Love it. And <b><i>Dead Presidents</i></b> has nothing to do with this post, but I had to include it because of its Brazilian title: <i>Ambição em Alta Voltagem</i>, AKA <b>“<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=O7ZbM7ak8uw"><span style="color: blue;">Ambition</span></a> High Voltage,”</b> which also just <i>happens </i>to be my future mixtape title. (It's a concept tape about how I plot to meet Rick Ross just so I can electrocute his vocal cords, thereby saving the rap game, hashtag YOUREWELCOME.]<br />
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<b>5. CHERCHEZ LA WHITE GIRL. </b></div>
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They were in Grand Central and Band of Gypsys, with Prince and Jimi, respectively: Morris and Buddy were the bandmates of frontmen who really really liked white ladies who fall somewhere on the prettiness scale between “eh” and “gorgeous.”</div>
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<b>I'm too prim and ladylike to post <a href="http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lk3xhocVOR1qbp6v4o1_500.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">this</span></a> but a link is OK. </b> </div>
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An image search for<span style="color: blue;"> </span><i><a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=jimi+hendrix+girlfriends&%3Bhl=en&%3Bprmd=imvnso&%3Btbm=isch&%3Btbo=u&%3Bsource=univ&%3Bsa=X&%3Bei=iBJTT6_LH63ZiQKwl6C1Bg&%3Bsqi=2&%3Bved=0CEMQsAQ&%3Bbiw=1252&%3Bbih=570&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&biw=1252&bih=570&sei=RFeAT-q6KqThiALBppiJAw#q=jimi+hendrix+girlfriends&um=1&hl=en&safe=active&sa=N&tbm=isch&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=1&biw=1024&bih=625"><span style="color: blue;">hendrix + girlfriend</span></a> </i>makes Jimi's fondness pretty clear. Same for Prince, who usually likes 'em musically inclined and brunette, much to my dismay since I am neither. A blonde <i>does </i>appear in the Prince mix every so often, however - there's a funny part in <a href="http://www.waxpoetics.com/wax-poetics-magazine/issue-50"><span style="color: blue;">Alan Leeds' piece in the most recent issue of excellent magazine </span><i style="color: blue;">Wax Poetics</i></a> in which he describes being on the road with with the band in '83 during the <i>1999 </i>tour. Prince was still with Vanity at the time, or maybe not (it's <i>Prince</i>, so who the fuck knows if he believes in monogamy or if the role of Main Chick is simply given to the woman he can trust the most to look after his guitars while on tour).</div>
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<b>“Jill Jones was also around him a lot</b> (at the time)<b>,”</b> Leeds says, innocently, <b>“and I wasn't really sure what that meant.”</b> (I've sent Alan an email with a description of exactly what that meant). Morris' personal feelings about white women are unclear, since his feelings about <i>all </i>women are unclear; it appears that women provide no actual romantic fulfillment for Morris's soul and simply serve as currency in his game of Big Bank Take Little Bank against his rival, Prince. Ladies are tokens with hips - the alive, pretty version of little plastic pieces with which he hopes to sink Prince's battleship. Viola player <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=novi+novog&gbv=2&oq=novi+novog&aq=f&aqi=g1&aql=&gs_nf=1&gs_l=img.3..0.626.2052.0.2173.10.10.0.3.3.0.83.512.7.7.0.48pW9BVA838"><span style="color: blue;">Novi Novog</span></a> (the Miri Ben-Ari of her day) makes an appearance on <i>Ice Cream Castle</i>, though, so let's just assume Morris found us irresistible. My completely unbiased opinion is that we're irresistible. All white girls are sweet, patient, and we don’t ask too many questions. We’re great at cooking steak. Plus we smell fresh always, like Snuggle. Irresistible! In '84 we got <a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lhcxwvPhFU1qbs11fo1_500.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">bit parts in movies</span></a> if we were cute and had connections to musical men; in '12 you can catch us getting engaged to Dwayne Carter, ruining NBA marriages, flipping off the camera and making kissy faces on Tumblr like idiots, trying to get you to switch to T-Mobile, <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0075696/news#ni26047781"><span style="color: blue;">writing the NWA biopic</span></a>, and acting inappropriate while in our underwear, <i>Blue Dream & Lean</i> on the iPod. Shoutout, by the way, to consistently-lovable Uncle Juice for shouting out white hoes on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbASazWJC8Q"><span style="color: blue;">“Been Gettin Money.”</span></a> It's a compliment, because I'm a weirdo. </div>
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<b>6. THE GREEK/ROMAN PANTHEON + THE GOD JEREMY SCOTT</b>.</div>
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<b>'83:</b> In keeping with his theme of naming his protégées like Bond girls who do porn in their spare time, but really <i>classy </i>porn where the female leads are worldly and speak 3 languages, Prince gives new harem member Patty Kotero the name “Apollonia.” This is in reference to Apollo, Greek god of music and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmkz7q-zYEg"><span style="color: blue;">Harlem</span></a>, leading me to (incorrectly) believe all these years that Ms. Kotero is part Greek. Apollo was entertained by a scamp named Hermes who could make bewitching sounds with his lyre, just like Prince. Hermes wore <b>winged</b> <b>sandals</b> because he was the primary messenger between the gods and humans. </div>
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<b>'11:</b> <span style="color: #cc0000;">“Whine, whine,”</span> goes the chorus of cranky people upset by the prolonged hunger for <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=jeremy+scott+adidas&gbv=2&oq=jeremy+scott+adidas&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_l=img.3..0l10.2664l5521l0l5731l19l18l0l7l7l2l326l1372l5j4j1j1l11l0.llsin."><span style="color: blue;">Jeremy Scott</span></a> designs among the 17-year-old cousins of the world. <span style="color: #cc0000;">“His stuff is so garish! Whinewhine, bitch moan whine, back in my day, whine.”</span> I know from personal anecdotes and rap lyrics that A$AP Rocky, Danny Brown<b style="color: red;">*</b>, Das Racist are fans, as are all the dudes in line outside of A$AP mob, Danny Brown, and Das Racist shows. Jeremy enjoys the artistic freedom (plus that Adidas money) to make Garanimals for the modern gentleman's foot - Mickey Mouse and plush panda heads on shoes, unicorn horns, goretex, blood diamonds, candy paint. People love em, people hate em. The rap game's a parade and you have to have confidence in your costume. The point is that whether it’s J Scott, Jesus pieces, Margiela, or Snoop showing up on SNL in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eAYTYDqv2M"><span style="color: blue;">that XXXL Hilfiger jersey in ’94</span></a>, everybody says you're trying too hard or not trying hard enough. Anyway, I know from my cousin's Instagram stunting that Jeremy's <b>winged shoes</b> were all the rage last year. The design was perhaps an homage to <b>Hermes</b> the Greek god—who, in Roman mythology, is known as <b>Mercury, which is also the name of the record label that put out <i>Them Changes</i></b>! COSMIC! Pretty-rapper favorites Rick Owens and Raf Simons were also contenders in this category, but it turned out they have no connection to <i>Ice Cream Castle</i> or <i>Them Changes</i>, or to Greek mythology. So Jeremy Scott, <a href="http://www.upscalehype.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/jeremy-scott-adidas-originals-1.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">you pointy-eared weirdo</span></a>: you win. And I'm not sure how to factor it in here, but it's also important to keep in mind that when it comes to the pantheon of Greek gods, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=2GZbaXdK8Js#t=107s"><span style="color: blue;">Keak's the black Zeus</span></a>.</div>
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<b style="color: red;">*</b><b> “Bitches skinny dippin in the lake: purple rain” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdavdXOuulM"><span style="color: blue;">“Horny Zebra,”</span></a> Danny Brown. This makes perfect sense, since </b><b>“</b><b>horny zebra</b><b>”</b><b> is what Morris asked for at the tailor when he went in for his <i>Purple Rain</i> wardrobe fitting. It ended up on the lapels of his shiny gold jacket during the </b><b>“</b><b>Jungle Love</b><b>”</b><b> performance scene. One day I'll do a post entirely about <i>Purple Rain</i> fashion, including Morris' sexy suits and the unparalleled radness of Billy's Tigers hat, MY LORD.</b></div>
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[As an alternate route, you could start with the Jeremy Scotts on the feet of Kool AD, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMapsP4eohw"><span style="color: blue;">thizzin in his Derrick Rose jersey</span></a>. This would provide a nice tie-in to <b>the legend that Prince’s decision to shelve the <i>Black Album</i> in ’88 was brought on by a bad Ecstasy trip</b>. People want to believe the Prince-on-E story because it's sexy all over; drug stories are sexy and Prince is sexy, and though it contains not one song that's as sexy as <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1799901051"><span style="color: blue;">“Crystal Ball</span></a><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1gO_kAYAXI"><span style="color: blue;">,”</span></a> the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pl-zTH9Pq9I"><i style="color: blue;">Black Album</i></a> is pretty sexy. I understand the appeal of the E story, but it's full of holes. People forget that Prince is too much of a control freak to <i>ever </i>try tripping on <i>anything </i>but Jehovah and basslines, plus maybe a splash of cognac when things get really stressful in the studio. As Salvador Dalí would later say, “I don't do drugs. I <i>am </i>drugs,” aptly describing both himself and Prince. The tie-in to <i>Them Changes</i> is <b>the legend that Neil Young wrote “Down by the River” while laid up in bed, not coming down from pills but feeling <i>organically </i>trippy - he had a 103-degree fever.</b>] </div>
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<b>7. DETROIT DANCEFLOOR SEX.</b></div>
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Before he was in Band of Gypsys, comprised of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-3JiDVl1O4"><span style="color: blue;">3 dudes who made the noise of 10</span></a>, Buddy played on <i>Electric Ladyland</i> with Jack Casady, bassist for <b>Jefferson</b> Airplane. <i><b>Jefferson</b> Ave.</i> is the 2001 DJ Assault record that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT-JiKB9ctA"><span style="color: blue;">has your daughter doin things you don’t think she oughta</span></a>. The sole premise of Assault's music is <i>I wanna see some asses wigglin</i>, which proves he would be killer at managing a leotard-and-fishnets-based female music group with occasional singing, like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISLNPAwES5Y"><span style="color: blue;">Morris tried back in ’84</span></a>. </div>
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<b>8. FASCISM. </b></div>
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<b>There is no modern-day equivalent of the Morris-Jerome partnership, but Schoolboy Q’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vP6KxSGXiQ0"><span style="color: blue;">“There He Go”</span></a> video displays a similar dynamic (“sidekick, you stay 10 paces behind me and just back up everything I say because I’m the pretty one and you are not”). SBQ makes the ladies swoon. I live here. I see it. He and Blu walked down the street together last week and 8 girls got pregnant by sheer force of will. </b></div>
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The stunning cover of <i>Ice Cream Castle</i> was shot by <b>Larry Williams</b>, who later became a director on the show <i>Oz </i>- fitting, since, according to Morris, the Prince camp was prison, except with pocketsquares and gators. If the studio was 1940s Italy, then Prince was a tiny, sexy Mussolini who did not appreciate detractors. The Time wanted more creative control, which prompted Prince to reduce meals to once per day after he sensed there was mutiny afoot. The Revolution and The Time were then forced to make pruno in the woodshed behind Paisley Park. Anyway, Williams also directed videos for Iggy Pop, Keith Richards, Paul Simon, <b>Prince</b>.</div>
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Stars and stripes on the snare! The US flag's been a favorite design concept of Buddy's <a href="http://external.ak.fbcdn.net/safe_image.php?d=AQDqCk3Ry_KH0ks_&url=http%3A%2F%2Fi1.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2FTq3NwCHm-4U%2Fhqdefault.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">from his days with Electric Flag</span></a>. He leaves the big bass drum plain, without any color or lettering. That's because the snare is king; you know it, I know it. Buddy knows it. The stunning cover of <i>Them Changes</i> was designed by <b>Burnell Caldwell</b>, who did the cover of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5padNt0p5LU"><i style="color: blue;">Rufus Featuring Chaka Khan</i></a> (with the Little Brother break!). Chaka is a nice segue back to <b>Prince</b>, since the two of them are linked by “I Feel for You,” <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VW6g6aTRPMI"><span style="color: blue;">this video of “Sweet Thing” that I watch once a week</span></a>, and their respective religious beliefs that people can never really explain.</div>
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<b>Gatefold? More like <i>greatfold</i>, C'MONNNN.</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRoADzGdQ8t_HaaNp-Jrh4FPLk3mrnpRzDcuf3KfKfSltKOVNbGNMgwctunUReT2RsMznzOW_6_8ricCy6g5WC7H5FIzUX7XRRNdjZVE9G4Dt0f03hyo0odviBQ6iWCby36PUQvuwEHXi0/s1600/themchanges+back+500.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRoADzGdQ8t_HaaNp-Jrh4FPLk3mrnpRzDcuf3KfKfSltKOVNbGNMgwctunUReT2RsMznzOW_6_8ricCy6g5WC7H5FIzUX7XRRNdjZVE9G4Dt0f03hyo0odviBQ6iWCby36PUQvuwEHXi0/s1600/themchanges+back+500.JPG" /></a></div>
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<b>The “3 dudes in the woods, 1970” tableau on the back of <i>Them Changes</i> – later recreated in the “3 dudes crouching by some plants, 1993” photo on the back of <a href="http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a144/kyozai/ThaAlkaholiks-21Over-Back.jpg"><i style="color: blue;">21 & Over</i></a>, and the “multiple dudes in the woods, 2011” of that <a href="http://www.gq.com/entertainment/music/201111/the-dungeon-family-gq-music-issue"><span style="color: blue;">gorgeous Dungeon Family photo in </span><i style="color: blue;">GQ</i></a>. </b></div>
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<b>1970</b> was the year of <i>Them Changes</i>, and of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVdWXqtk484&feature=fvwrel"><i style="color: blue;">Cold Fact</i></a> and <i>Psychedelic Shack</i> which would later appear in the apt. 680 Hall of Fame. It was also the year of <i>Black Sabbath</i> and <i>Paranoid</i>, records made by young men who had to work in factories and were pissed, obviously. You would be pissed. <a href="http://quote.robertgenn.com/auth_search.php?authid=5662"><span style="color: blue;">Ian Curtis wasn't</span></a>, because of his rich inner life and ability to detach, but Jimmy Smith jr. was fucking steamed. <a href="http://kathleen-duffy.suite101.com/reggae-legend-bob-marley-worked-at-chrysler-usa-a176841"><span style="color: blue;">Bob Marley</span></a> too. Joe Jackson was <i>clearly </i>pissed, having to work in the steel mill all day and then coming home to rehearse the boys, and goddamn <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27w9cYOOiWc"><span style="color: blue;">Marlon </span><i style="color: blue;">couldn't even get the dance steps right</i></a>, always fucking up the turns.</div>
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The National Front party in Great Britain was gaining ground in <b>1970</b>; it was a <b>fascist</b>, whites-only party that tapped into pissed-off white Britons’ fear of men who looked like Buddy Miles and had the ruthless hustle of Morris, in the UK to steal their jobs and the virginity of their daughters. Old issues of <i>WaxPo</i> explain the beautiful history of how the cold rhythmic dullness of factory work shows up in metal songs of the ‘70s and in Detroit techno in the ‘80s. And my copy of <i>Vogue </i>from last October can explain that, when faced with a shortage of foreign supplies during the difficult years of <b>Fascist </b>dictatorship in 1940s Italy, Gucci began experimenting with atypical luxury materials - hemp, linen, canvas. Its artisans had to innovate in the absence of usable materials. They used burnished cane to create the handle of the what they'd call the <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=gucci+bamboo&gbv=2&oq=gucci+bamboo&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_nf=1&gs_l=img.3..0l10.376.2105.0.2688.12.12.0.5.5.0.112.653.5j2.7.0.nVMzLTt7CIo#hl=en&gbv=2&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=gucci+bamboo+bag&oq=gucci+bamboo+bag&aq=f&aqi=g1g-m1g-S2&aql=&gs_nf=1&gs_l=img.3..0j0i5j0i24l2.13559.13955.0.14138.4.4.0.0.0.0.204.544.0j2j1.3.0.voi12C3W-EM&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=7ac25da309f2b32&biw=1252&bih=570"><span style="color: blue;">bamboo bag</span></a>. It was a huge hit. Ladies covet it to this day because we're pressured to consume conspicuously and never be satisfied with our current possessions, but the fact remains that you simply must respect this, the Gucci hustle. The story reminds me of Buddy and Morris innovating, using their respective materials to their respective advantage. Jimi was a shaman type, sort of distant and dreamy; by contrast, Buddy's appeal was in his kindness, his goofy persona. Prince is moody as HELL and tiny; Morris capitalized on the fact that he's a foot taller than him and always looks like he's having fun. <i>Play the hand you're dealt</i>, my southern grandma always says. The El-P equivalent is <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddWXx52iMH0"><i style="color: blue;">Tap that strength and burn with greatness</i></a>. </div>
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<b>9. 26 (LET MY 9 SCREENS FLIP!). </b></div>
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Morris was <b>26</b> when <i>Ice Cream Castle</i> came out. Current 26-year-olds include Chris Paul, the Sleng Teng riddim, and LL’s <i>Radio</i>. To think that 1985 yielded both the thrilling song “Rock the Bells” and the unthrilling eyebrow clown J. Cole is a reminder of the ridiculousness of the universe, although the line <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DphkDgAMKqY"><span style="color: blue;">“You bring the woodpecker; I'll bring the wood”</span></a> and the line <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=6PN78PS_QsM#t=85s"><span style="color: blue;">“Money can’t buy you love ‘cause it’s overpriced”</span></a> are matched in their stupidity level, so maybe the universe isn’t as arbitrary as we think. Dilla was <b>26</b> when <i>Fantastic, Vol. 2</i> came out. Keith was <b>26</b> when <i>Critical Beatdown</i> came out. Pharoahe Monch was <b>26</b> when <i>Internal Affairs</i> came out. Monch is a solid Twitter follow (he really realllllly likes his Giants, you guys) and had noted Beverly Hills street soldier Alan Maman produce his <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izAEDn8xJv8"><span style="color: blue;">“No Mercy,”</span></a> a song on which Brownsville showed up to be rad and tough in the human form of <b>M.O.P</b>. Alc’s sample source was Jerry Goldsmith's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHjH-09rDL8"><span style="color: blue;">“The Trap,”</span></a> which was never used in a Jeezy song circa 2005 because the rap game is dumb and Collipark doesn't respect my wonderful ideas. The song <i>was</i>, however, from the soundtrack to <i>Bandolero!</i>, a film most known in apartment 680 for providing me with this indelible image of my beauty/fashion/womanly-powers icon, Miss Raquel Welch.</div>
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<b>M.O.P.</b> did “Fight Club” with Fat Joe, whose verse mentions doin <b>30</b> in Washington Heights, somethingsomething automatic mac, who cares, Joey's boring and I've never been a fan. <b>30 </b>is the percentage of all Americans who have been arrested by the age of <b>23 - which is how old Buddy was when<i> Them Changes </i>came out</b>. A$AP Rocky is 23, which is proven every time I see a picture of him in those stupid camo shorts, but the kid seems to be doing all right for himself. I have no outward style anyway, so who am I to judge. And for a quick link back to <b>Morris</b>: my scan of Twitter a minute ago reveals that the quality of A$AP groupies is shockingly sub-par until you remember that, like Morris, <i>Rocky likes to always be the pretty one in the relationship</i>. </div>
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<b> “</b><b>Gatorade bottle full of burgundy Carlo Rossi.”</b><b> GUYS I JUST REALLY REALLY WANTED TO USE THIS PHOTO BUT JESUS CAN YOU BLAME ME, THAT THICK MANLY FOREARM LOOKIN LIKE A BIG OLE TURKEY LEG.</b></div>
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<b>10. YAPER. </b></div>
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“Shoelace tied,” Juicy J says, coming with the footwear pun, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk26-3HamXE"><span style="color: blue;">“but a n---a still trippin.”</span></a> This blog post has been delayed by my side assignment of trying to listen to the SIXXXXTYYYYY new songs on that E-40 album, <i>Clever Slang Words for Everyday Things Such as Cars and Money</i>. Sixty tracks! That's so many a lady might even say it's hella tracks, and so far I've only gotten through the first 6. (I don't have the headphone stamina I did at age 17.) Track 2 is “They Point,” with J's line above satisfying his contractual obligation to mention <b>tangerine trees and marmalade skies</b> at least once per song. Blotter raps. Love it. Love him. J's beat-riding is so tight, his musical timing is so perfect - like Alexander O'Neal's, who had perfect <i>life</i> timing and left The Time before it became <i><b>The Time</b></i>, and had a respectable solo career that did not require him to bow down to Prince. Game, set, match. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deuSgKszlk4"><span style="color: blue;">"Saturday Love"</span></a> is the freaking jam, too, right? <i>Right</i>, says <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eraaXjg1WuE"><span style="color: blue;">Nickatina</span></a>. Anyway, J rides the beat with such exactness that he could be in the J.B.'s circa 1970, taking orders from Mr. Brown to ride the beat, D-flat major, ride that goddamn beat. My orders to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDlFwUyixyQ"><span style="color: blue;">underwhelming rappers who do that thing of being too cool to ride the beat in 2012</span></a>? RIDE THE BEAT LIKE FRED WESLEY AND THE JUICE MAN, IDIOTS. </div>
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Other than in Three 6 lyrics, <b>acid </b>had<i> </i>been an underused rap topic for years. It's hard to write something in verse that tops the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8LcqwL8a00"><span style="color: blue;">Woodstock-screwface story of Carlos Santana</span></a>, frequent <b>Buddy Miles </b>collaborator. But late last summer one of the A$AP guys (either Twelvyy or Nast; can't tell em apart) rolled up in something foreign with a whole caravan of druggys and hoes and said <i>Smoke somethin bitch! Or at least put this under your tongue, baby doll</i>, then promptly turned my pupils huge and black, like pools of Valvoline. <b>LSD’s psychedelic properties were discovered in 1943</b>, when scientists were trying to find a cure for migraines. <b>1943</b> is also the year Sly Stone was born. Sly later rented a Bel-Air mansion for <b>$12,000</b>/month from John Phillips because of course he did, <i>he's Sly Stone</i>, the fuck you think. </div>
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<b>$12,000</b> is <a href="http://www.xxlmag.com/news/latest-headlines/2007/04/e-40-donates-12000-to-alma-mater/"><span style="color: blue;">the amount E-40 gave his high school alma mater</span></a> for new band equipment, eliciting a huge AWWW from me. Earl Stevens can do no wrong. He is my lifelong English professor (Ball So Hard U) and <a href="https://www.google.com/#hl=en&gs_nf=1&tok=br484UxKjHhuEigO9CiX1w&cp=8&gs_id=7j&xhr=t&q=george+zimmerman&pf=p&output=search&sclient=psy-ab&oq=george+z&aq=0&aqi=g3g-s1&aql=&gs_l=&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&fp=ff42559d799f52a1"><span style="color: blue;">clairvoyant ironic-lyric</span></a>
writer (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdVvryipC0I&ob=av2e"><span style="color: blue;">“Watch out for that boy in the hoodie, man, he a monster”</span></a>), and his power move of writing a big fat check reminds me once again that, even though sometimes it seems like it’s <i>something</i> to a boss, it is actually <i>nothing </i>to a boss. NOTHING. I’m the only one in my entire city who’s not in love with this “Recipe” song from Dre and Kendrick, because K's sneer-growl flow is forced and I don't believe the part about girls taking their panties off for him. PLEASE, KENDRICK. Please. There's some hoes in this town but c'mon now. Plus I'm just mad that Beats By Dre cost half a fucking month's rent. I am <i>still </i>in love with “The Recipe” from '08, however, and not just because <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47LKHtHiums"><span style="color: blue;">that th-th-that th-that could totally be ME as the cooking show lady with the Cali accent during the hook and intro</span></a>. </div>
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<b>11. TOONS.</b></div>
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There are 4 <b>Jerome</b>s in my world. Kern, Garcia, and Benton live in my record collection for their contributions in the arts of <a href="http://www.songwritershalloffame.org/exhibits/C67"><span style="color: blue;">writing</span></a>, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tuX1k6UZYs"><b><span style="color: blue;">singing</span></b></a>, and, um, according to the verrrry generous and exaggerated <i>Ice Cream Castle</i> credits, “percussion and voice.” Ha. “Mirror-bringing” was too silly to include, I guess.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">a)</span> </b>The fourth <b>Jerome </b>also has a spot in one of my crates, as a central figure in Nas’ “One Love” whose life takes a shocking turn after what was <i>supposed </i>to be a fun day at the beach. Q-Tip samples Parliament’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsP3rHs3oUI"><span style="color: blue;">“Come in Out of the Rain,”</span></a> co-written by <b>Ruth Copeland</b>, soulful Caucasian lady who loved bass and inappropriately-mini skirts, not unlike this particular blogger.</div>
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<b>Copeland</b> was married to Jeffrey Bowen, Motown producer and writer; he co-wrote Marvin Gaye’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9F8SNmaqIg"><span style="color: blue;">“You,”</span></a> the b-side of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine” - which Buddy sang as a <b>California Raisin</b> in ’88. The Raisins were claymation but they technically count as <b>cartoons</b>, yes? They were also labelmates with Eazy in ’88 (Priority), proving that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0aBxREVfvT4"><span style="color: blue;">children's characters and lyrically hard rappers ran in the same industry circles way before Bieber x Rae in 2011</span></a>. In ’01, Priority was also the label that released 504 Boyz’ <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=aWO7iyb1XCk#t=4s"><span style="color: blue;">“Wobble Wobble,”</span></a> a song for which my enthusiasm knows No Limit, teehee. And though it took a while to the point in this post where a “Wobble Wobble” link was appropriate, goddammit here we are.</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">b) </span></b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do9VLONS86Y"><span style="color: blue;">“Hoes love me: <b>Jerome</b>,”</span></a> says Flatbush Zombies' Juice. “Hoes love me. <i>Jerrr</i>ome.” Also from Flatbush was pixel visionary <b>Joseph Barbera, who went on to create the Jetsons</b>. Elroy Jetson would later serve as the ultimate sonning metaphor by Guru, while big sister Judy got to live my dream of getting mentioned in a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fz9AfrfZYUE"><span style="color: blue;">Dumile song</span></a> (“Our next guest, a real cutie specimen/And she's startin to get a little booty, <b>Miss Judy Jetson</b>”). The song samples <b>Harry Nilsson</b>, who later provided the soundtrack of Henry Hill's coke paranoia in <i>Goodfellas</i>, hung out with John Lennon and probably also lots of coke at the same time, and played on 1968's <i>The Birds, The Bees & The Monkees</i> along with <b>Buddy Miles</b>. </div>
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<b>12. MY FANTASIES, DAYDREAMS.</b></div>
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">COVER SONGS.</span></i> <b>The Time</b> should do <b>INXS</b>’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=vSME53nL8tg#t=7s"><span style="color: blue;">“What You Need,”</span></a> because Morris and Michael Hutchence both have that talk-sing thing down. And because <b>Prince </b>will cover <b>INXS</b>'s “I Need You Tonight” in Music Heaven, making <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=PrZZfaDp02o#t=16s"><span style="color: blue;">exactly one article of clothing come off of my body with every guitar-riff razor</span></a>. His opening act will be <b>Buddy Miles</b>, who will cover something by the <b>Black Keys</b> to make one of their songs immediately rad and not annoying like they are currently. (“Baby I’m howlin’ for youuuu” is not something you can get away with singing when you <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=dan+auerbach&gbv=2&oq=dan+auerbach&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_l=img.3..0l10.640l3043l0l3184l14l14l1l5l5l0l334l1091l3j4j0j1l8l0.llsin."><span style="color: blue;">look like my cousin Nick in Portland with the bubble goose vest, beard and earnest eyes</span></a>). <b><i>Alicia</i> Keys</b>, by the way, inducted <b>Prince</b> into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in ’04, which is real bottom-of-the-barrel casting; sorry, she is boring and I just don't care for her voice. She was chosen only because, at the time, James Brown was dealing with domestic violence charges, Sly Stone was off Syd Barrett-ing somewhere, George Clinton was touring, Joni Mitchell was touring, <b>Morris </b>was busy with his guest spot on <i>227</i> plus he was bitter, and I was not famous enough (yet) to have done the honors. </div>
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Since Buddy did <b>Neil Young's</b> “Down by the River,” The Time should <i>so obviously</i> do <b>Neil Young's</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAdtUDaBfRA"><span style="color: blue;">“Cinnamon Girl,”</span></a> at about three times the original speed. They'll also need to add 2 heaping scoops of bass. <i>Minneapolis stunt-funk bass</i>, though - not <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcqEFGfr55k"><span style="color: blue;">Tennessee</span></a> bass, or even <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfsffF3dwrw"><span style="color: blue;">Florida</span></a> bass. I need some of that <i>desperate </i>bass, the kind that only men from a cold climate can muster. <b>Neil Young's</b> song called “Are You Ready for the Country” should have its the title used for a track by Bun feat. Scarface, Juve from 10 years ago, and David Banner. Yelawolf'll try to get on, but I'll have to say no because of my integrity.<br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">BREAKS<b>.</b></span></i><b> </b>It's possible to <a href="http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/04/120410093325.htm"><span style="color: blue;">influence people as they sleep and give them perfect dreams</span></a>, so who says I can't shout my fantasy breaks out into the world and hope Ski or Monsta or Rick Rock or Necro hears me? I remain committed to my dream that <a href="http://www.topdawgmusic.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Black Hippy</span></a> will one day use the “Top Dawg/Bite em all” from “The Next Episode” in something. Please guys, it's so perfect! Don't make the same mistake Collipark did when he ignored my Jeezy idea in '05. Until then, I'm focusing on: </div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">a. </span><i>Them Changes</i>' “Memphis Train.”</b> To be used by the fairly capable Don Trip in some song about his hometown, since he's a Memphian<b> </b>(a fun new actual word I just learned). I foresee something for him involving the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=iX7G7ELCXYU#t=44s"><span style="color: blue;"><i>Alllllll right</i> and that drum break at 00:44, then the bassline coming in</span></a>. Since we're at the tail end of the “rising synth”/”every song must sound like a video game” period in beatmaking (or perhaps it's just a fantasy of mine), my timing of this beat idea is perfect. As usual. </div>
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The hook could also be a great break. “Train number one is gone,” Buddy sings, “Train number two is gone/Train number three is BEEN gone/Now how long must I wait for you.” I'd like MJG to use it in a song about his relationship with Suave House going sour. The train's a metaphor for genuine industry friendship, a rare and precious thing that usually experiences a head-on crash somewhere down the tracks. Train's gone, M! Or perhaps he could use it in a song about his lady leaving town to go to meet with the <i>WaxPo</i> editors to talk about her upcoming monthly feature-?</div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">b.</span></b><b> The part of </b><b>“Paul B. Allen, Omaha, Nebraska” at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=IAKiCBPrJEE#t=219s"><span style="color: blue;">3:47 - 4:17</span></a></b> is rich with untapped fantasy breaks. As usual, YouTube commenters are able to articulate my deepest feelings about a song I'm dissecting in a blog post: “Check out that footwork! Ain't no bass player on this tune, just the pedals of the organ!!” (You are correct, not-at-all-ridiculously-named <a href="http://www.youtube.com/comment?lc=8P1lupObcsRXt7OZNAdZXzu5WJWOO6vM54LioJ5yyRA"><span style="color: blue;">bassbot69</span></a>.) It also gets praise for being a truly dignified tribute to a musical hero, as opposed to Buddy doing a song called “Paul B. Allen Back” or Buddy doing a show with a Paul B. Allen hologram. Mr. Allen, by the way, owned Allen's Showcase, an Omaha nightclub that nurtured local artists including a young Buddy Miles. The equivalent of a song by The Time would be called <b>“Billy Sparks, Minneapolis, Minnesota.”</b></div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">c.</span> Morris' <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=B0uHh3WhYiI#t=199s"><span style="color: blue;">“The Wright brothers can't fuck with that”</span></a> from “The Bird,”</b> which <i><b>absolutely must</b></i> be used by Jerm for a Curren$y song, JET LIFE, JETLIFEJETLIFE, EAUGH. This would make up for the tragedy that Morris' “Think I wanna/Think I wanna file my nails” is a rap-song ready quote but there are no current rappers who are ironically-heteromasculine enough to get away with using that line. </div>
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">d.</span> Morris' <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=d3Iae9K8vu8#t=34s"><span style="color: blue;">“You better find a brand new bag, cuz these is my drawers”</span></a> from “My Drawers,”</b> which <b><i>absolutely should have been</i></b> pitched-down and used in Devin's “In My Draws,” even though <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hQ5zu-GCko"><span style="color: blue;">the finished product</span></a> is hard to argue with.</div>
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<b>These ladies don't seem to <i>real</i>ize how <i>val</i>uable Morris' time <i>is</i>.</b><br />
<b>Apollonia's pretty-person-and
awful-performer-who-works-with-the-right-producer(s) hustle was pretty
solid in '84. Such a hustle continues today in the form of horrendous
Los Angeles music professional Game. </b><b><br /></b></div>
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<b>FIREARMS.</b><span style="color: black;"> (bonus category, because I'm enthusiastic and have trouble editing)</span></div>
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<b>“Sex Shooter,”</b> Apollonia 6. <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpVvDG1-p7w"><span style="color: blue;">“Machine Gun,”</span></a></b> Band of Gypsys.</div>
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Jimi produced Band of Gypsys under the name <span style="color: #cc0000;">Heaven Research</span>, a name that is <i>so
</i>Prince-esque it makes me want to slap somebody. “Machine Gun” was about the <b>jungles of Vietnam</b>, which
provides another connection to The Time, who did <b>“Jungle Love.”</b> If
there were a Jimi loop used in <i>Dilla's</i> “Jungle Love,” this
section would come full-circle, wrapped up in a nice pretty bow and I'd
be able to retire to the couch again, <i>R.A.P. Music</i> on the iPod. No such loop exists. However, Guilty's <b>“Without that loot, your instrumentals stay instrumentals”</b> is <i>such </i>a Morrisesque thing to say. I just awarded myself partial credit. </div>
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<b> “People say I'm the baddest drummer,”</b> Buddy said once, with typical modesty, <b>“If that's true, thank you world.”</b> Morris never had to say words like this out loud, partly because he felt that his drumming spoke for itself, but mostly because talking about his drumming would take time away from talking about how great he is in bed.<i></i> <b>“Yeah,”</b> he says, with typical shiny confidence at the end of “Jungle Love,” draining the open 3 in the seventh game of the series with home court advantage. <b>“Thassssit thassit.”</b> It's lovely to be a woman and live among both the modest and the swaggy when it comes to men. A lady needs a variety of masculine types in her life, and of course in her record collection. Buddy's long gone and Morris never calls me back, but if I could get the two of them in a room I'd inform them that the music industry is currently plagued by a lack of grown-man sexual mojo and I'd thank them for their contributions. xo.<br />
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</b>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-35906096159665389612012-03-27T21:32:00.007-07:002012-03-30T18:08:08.437-07:00No worries bout nothin - just gettin good just gettin good just gettin good luh-uhh-huhhh-vinnn records.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlILsY1eKFZePf2B8aQKfD1LY1IFtXNLujRexpnbZ3RTcHv9VxExYJZR2F48huSGUlRvARLzzB9Jms_KxjCT3aqYMhV1YEQWDtVk1mRfm4s7YsFb7ZC_vrvS5ruza_zPWFFaJmFzOem3qk/s1600/hoardin+5-610.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlILsY1eKFZePf2B8aQKfD1LY1IFtXNLujRexpnbZ3RTcHv9VxExYJZR2F48huSGUlRvARLzzB9Jms_KxjCT3aqYMhV1YEQWDtVk1mRfm4s7YsFb7ZC_vrvS5ruza_zPWFFaJmFzOem3qk/s1600/hoardin+5-610.JPG" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">PICTURE ME HOARDIN.</span></b><br />
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<b>(Moral support via Daniel Dumile and Grandma's afghan.)</b></div><br />
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<b>My entire hair repertoire, from “smooth and nicely-brushed” to “aw fuck it.”</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><b>BEAT SWAP MEET #17, 03/11/12</b> </i></span>- My grasp of what constitutes “style” is limited, but I know that ladies should always accentuate the indent where the waist meets the hips and that the cotton sundress is timeless. I know that unless you are dating Fabolous, your boyfriend doesn't care what brand your skirt is. I love those Jordan IV Cements on a gentleman, and I wish more of you dressed like <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=peter+tosh&gbv=2&oq=peter+tosh&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=741l1904l0l2031l10l10l0l1l1l0l149l857l6.3l9l0&gs_l=img.3..0l10.741l1904l0l2031l10l10l0l1l1l0l149l857l6j3l9l0.llsin."><span style="color: blue;">Peter Tosh in the ‘70s</span></a>. Jeans that are a little too tight look the best on me (sorry, Mom). Men's size M Champion v-necks, the comfiest sleeping attire, are $20 for 5 (Hanes' labor practices are inhumane and the company should not be supported with your money. Also ask me about, if you have 10 minutes to kill: La Perla's superiority over Victoria's Secret). I have foolishly bought several handbags that are so expensive they came with authenticity cards. I was listening to a lot of Clipse at the time. <br />
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“If it is not beautiful, it will not last. In the end you buy the pieces you cannot resist,” says the house of Lanvin's artistic director and adorable bear-like human Alber Elbaz. (I can’t afford Lanvin. In case I’m ever seated at the same wedding-reception table with Pharrell and at least one Thornton brother, I'm keeping my knowledge of the line close at hand.) Elbaz was referring to ladies desperately needing to have one of his preposterous fantasy pieces, reassuring them that it's OK to spend $3500 on a halter jumpsuit, but it's like he was talking to anyone with a compulsion to collect lovely objects, which is to say it's like he was talking <i>right at</i> record nerds. Pieces <i>are</i> irresistible. I don't deny myself the pleasure of good finds. It's just that I have to reign it in when it comes to spending. I work, I eat, I keep my lights on and my rent paid, I put some in savings, and other than that, my money goes to the purchasing of records, which, in the end, I cannot resist. <br />
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There's a Beat Swap meet once every few months in LA; I am always there, so I was at the most recent one, a couple Sundays ago. 17 records later, I'm back with my report on the pleasures, the frustration, the rooms of so many elbows. I limited my spending to $50, apparently because I'm really into self-punishment-? I sold my original autographed test-pressing of <i>Kraftwerk </i>for 5 bucks. I ate a whole bunch of Miracle Whip. I wrote a love letter to Tim Tebow, charisma-free soldier for the lord. Then I listened to a bunch of Iggy Azalea and voted for <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/02/20/10-outrageous-things-rick-santorum-has-said.html"><span style="color: blue;">Rick Santorum</span></a>. Oh wait, no - the $50 cap was actually established because I <i>have to pay my rent</i>. I'd go crazy without a limit, like Hammer in the late '80s, flinging cash carelessly except in tight pants. But it turns out a lady doesn't have to choose between adding depth to her music collection or keeping a roof over her head. $47 for a collection of goodies is how it's done. Yes, I’m sure I did get the Person with Breasts discount at my stops throughout the afternoon, a fact that may be upsetting for those without breasts but a fact that <i>I</i> think is just a version of affirmative action. My <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/01/blunt-amendment-vote-fails-senate-contraception_n_1313287.html"><span style="color: blue;">private areas are fodder for political gain</span></a>. My paycheck amount drops by 30% because of my gender. The last song I heard on classic rock radio whined to me that there are lots of people talking but few of them know that the <i>soul of a woman was created below</i>. Please just let me have my small, $47 victories. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Berkeley city limits begin at Alcatraz Ave., just above the 50s and 60s of North Oakland, according to my geography teachers <a href="http://mainattrakionz.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Main Attrakionz</span></a>. If you are from Berkeley and you are a dude who is pretty, you really have it made, your chain looks like lightning and nobody knows quite what to make of you but this aura is magic, it's precious rap currency; maybe you'll be <a href="http://nyulocal.com/on-campus/2012/03/27/lil-b-set-to-speak-at-nyu/"><span style="color: blue;">invited to NYU one day</span></a> and I won't be able to decide if this is a sign of academic enlightenment or if it's just an excuse for academia to gawk at a weirdo. And if you are from Berkeley and not so pretty, but you can drum, and people don't know what to make of you (black? white?), then you are Johnny Otis. And you’re in my record collection and I love you. </b> </div><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. The Johnny Otis Show, Featuring Mighty Mouth Evans & Shuggie Otis, <i>Cold Shot!</i></b> (Kent, 1968). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$4.</span></span></div><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“I can tell the way she walks, she ain’t been here long”: “Country Girl” is the sexy standout on <i>Cold Shot!</i>, and this would be true even were it not for my personal bias (I am healthy in body and wide-hipped, just like the girl in the song). The back-and-forth between Johnny and Mighty Mouth Evans, plus a super-cute baby Shuggie (age 15!) on guitar make up for the fact that it’s a song about the heterosexual male's eyeball-pleasing experience of watching a woman walk down the street. Not to bring down the room, but please note that if you are the owner of that womanly body, and the eyeing is not consensual, the experience is less pleasant. Sigh. Sorry, gentlemen. Let’s all remember our mothers and sisters before we honk our horns in celebration of the ladyform, please. Ogling’s still great in the bedroom, though—especially if you find a way to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHJ6qfITb7o&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">isolate the drums and guitar in “Me and My Woman”</span></a> and just play it on a loop as a seduction technique.<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fact:</b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span>Johnny Otis was technically from Berkeley, but he first hit planet Earth in Vallejo and was bosslike, just like E-40. </i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> LA's a graveyard of shut-down record labels and studios. I need to start my own tour of these sites, catering to persons just like me, who want to see <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?q=1011+n+fuller+ave+los+angeles&hl=en&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.094886,86.572266&hnear=1011+N+Fuller+Ave,+Los+Angeles,+California+90046&t=m&z=16"><span style="color: blue;">where </span><span style="color: blue;">Let's Get It On</span></a> and <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?q=506+n+larchmont+hollywood&hl=en&ll=34.079163,-118.322024&spn=0.009224,0.021136&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.094886,86.572266&hnear=506+N+Larchmont+Blvd,+Los+Angeles,+California+90004&t=m&z=16&layer=c&cbll=34.079218,-118.32365&panoid=vE_n3SU0OSfK-II677OK-A&cbp=12,85.45,,0,0"><span style="color: blue;">Quik is the Name</span></a> were recorded (i.e., me. And Oliver Wang. And Dave Tompkins, </i><i>if he would ever email me back). <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?q=5810+s+normandie+los+angeles&hl=en&ll=33.989648,-118.298914&spn=0.009234,0.021136&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.094886,86.572266&hnear=5810+S+Normandie+Ave,+Los+Angeles,+California+90062&t=m&z=16&layer=c&cbll=33.9897,-118.300202&panoid=aPxBKN00qTj08uTf4vodPg&cbp=12,51.81,,0,0"><span style="color: blue;">Kent Records used to be here</span></a>, right by the Slauson Super Mall, star of a hundred Nipsey Hussle songs that will never make it to my headphones. I just can't get into him. Lord knows I've tried, Los Angeles.</i> <br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>William, Walter, and Eddie, doing 1972's version of “pretty.” </b><br />
<b>In 2012 we get A$AP Rocky in some damn camo cargo shorts. </b></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. The O’Jays, </b><i><b>Back Stabbers</b> </i><span style="font-size: large;">(Philadelphia International, 1972).<span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.</span></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">My 17-year-old cousin has been trying to inform me that squiggly-echo beat professionals The Weeknd and The-Dream are bickering, but, Oh dear!, sorry!, <b><i>I can’t hear this news over the sound of GROWN MEN making music about GROWN MEN things such as LIFE and LOVE and BACKSTABBERY<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>. </i></b>Nice watch, Terius. Nice house. Nice loft, guy from Canada. Nice car, nice bowlful of oxy, nice seafood dinner. You're doing all right for yourselves, gentlemen. It's just that crooned stuntery is kind of Kells' domain. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Yes yes, you're right, of <i>course </i>I should've had this one in my collection already. It's just not that hard to find. Without that panic in my stomach warning that I'll never come across it again, I've taken for granted that I can get it whenever. It's the <i>Rumours </i>of Philly soul. Plus I'm really <i>such </i>a Temps lady; David Ruffin is the gravelly-voiced captain of my heart, so there's not a lot of room left over for gravelly-voiced Eddie LeVert. And sometimes Gamble & Huff’s production is too shiny and clean and disco-y for my taste (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86_cXq9Z-X4"><span style="color: blue;">“Shiftless, Shady, Jealous Kinds of People”</span></a>); you know, a lady just needs some heartache x guts sometimes when it comes to vocals x production (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWr_F4Gg8sY"><span style="color: blue;">Ruffin x Whitfield</span></a>, 1966-8). When they're <i>right</i>, though, the strings are <i>so right</i> (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GnlKTI6yL4"><span style="color: blue;">“When the World’s at Peace,”</span></a> the break in that “props like Norm Peterson” track that introduced Jeru to the world). On a related props note, some should be thrown to YouTube for kindly offering an instrumental of Cam’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u43ZDuwMd7w"><span style="color: blue;">“Triple Up.”</span></a> Blissfully free of his voice, the beat is based around a sample of “Shiftless” and was produced by Headbangaz Ent., formerly headquartered on Broad Street in Columbus. In 2012 the spot is home to a <a href="http://maps.google.com/maps?q=197+e+broad+st+columbus+oh&hl=en&ll=39.963438,-82.995315&spn=0.009128,0.013797&safe=active&hnear=197+E+Broad+St,+Columbus,+Ohio+43215&t=m&z=16&layer=c&cbll=39.962835,-82.995279&cbp=12,232.93439182658378,,0,0"><span style="color: blue;">Subway</span></a>, doggy. And Cam turns up in a red sweater vest on <i>Love & Hip-Hop</i>, concerned about the state of affairs between Jones and that lady who works for him. Cam's concerned, you guys. But in 2012, really, what else is he gonna do with all his free time. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
A hundred rap professionals have tried to do the title track justice. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYzOzwfxcLM"><span style="color: blue;">Project Pat's</span></a> the only one who got it <i>sort of</i> right, mostly just because he's Pat but also because he brought Crucial Conflict (!) along for the ride. Jay Rock gets points for his buttery plaid button-up and denim ensemble on that album cover, <a href="http://www.strangemusicinc.net/images/test/JRCDFLLWMHM_600.jpg?osCsid=t33ija67ouj5bf4hr7b84nm3g3"><span style="color: blue;">ladies are you with me</span></a>, but the O'Jays-sampling <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTfhODKLkho"><span style="color: blue;">“Who Am I”</span></a> from that earlier mixtape is not great. Rap game stressful, you guys. Coming-up-with-new-ideas-for-songs game stressful too. And when you're a fellow MC from south of the 10 freeway it's hard to kompete with Kurupt, the King of Kadence. (Luckily, “Zip That Chop That,” a 2-year-old pre-fame period piece, <i>is</i> still great, and beautifully displays how our gentlemen out here do that classic LA thing of keeping their white Ts <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRY1k6aSE0g"><span style="color: blue;">super clean</span></a>, plus Ab-Soul is actually Gusto from CB4. But I can already tell <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQMbtHOFLaA"><span style="color: blue;">Schoolboy's going to have kind of a belly as an older dude</span></a>).</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>100% Grade-A Certified Grown-Man R&Beef, for the record, is <i>Teddy Pendergrass having an affair with Marvin Gaye’s wife</i>. Please take a seat or go post to your Tumblr, everyone else signed to a major.</b><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fact:</b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span>The trio named itself in honor of DJ Eddie O'Jay - a sweet but weird tribute, like a group in 2012 calling itself The Funkmasters, which is actually kind of a cool name but they'd ruin it by calling their first single “Bomb Drop,” with verses about car shows and the Tunnel and people being told that they know what it is, all delivered in a yelling manner. I'm excited about The Green Lanterns' debut album, though.</i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal: </b>Find out if anyone else is getting a “young Morris Chestnut” vibe from Eddie LeVert up there (far right). </i></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. The Staple Singers & Curtis Mayfield, <i>Let’s Do It Again</i> soundtrack</b> (Curtom, 1975). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$6.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“The voice of God, if you must know,” said Marianne Faithfull, “is Aretha Franklin's.” The voice of God according to my dad and ESPN Classic, however, is John Facenda's. So I’m conflicted.</div><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Jroy7fHIMaI" width="520"></iframe><br />
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God's voice is actually probably Doom; who am I kidding. And the sound of God trying to get my <i>attention</i> is definitely <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIS4P8xbPtg"><span style="color: blue;">Curtis' guitar-squeal that opens the title track</span></a>, which happened yesterday while I was house-cleaning as the record played in apt. 680. By the way, you guys, God says hi. And he wanted me to tell you all that, for the record, he thinks people should be able to marry whoever they want. And he apologizes for the state of Florida continuing to exist. <br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Let's Do It Again</i> is about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Xz6dWOAWqRo#t=82s"><span style="color: blue;">Jayne Kennedy's legs making it hard for Cliff Huxtable to concentrate</span></a>, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPmwptjCsA8" style="color: blue;">James Evans wanting Biggie Smalls to show some goddamn respect</a> while they're both dressed like they are in Camp Lo. The soundtrack title track is about lounging around in your La Perla bodysuit, doing grown-up things, then falling asleep in a warm glowy puddle of sunshine and oxytocin. The song was #1 on the charts for one glorious week in 1975, and was displaced the following week by KC and the Sunshine Band's “That's the Way (I Like It)” in what must have been an emotional letdown for radio listeners. The 2012 equivalent is when I'm driving around LA and Power 106 plays “Function” (YAY/RAWR) immediately followed by something by a Canadian softie in a sweater (UGH/GOD NO). Anyway, you <b><i>have </i></b>to flip your hands up in the air and sing along - I mean really, <i>I am watching you to make sure you do it</i> - during the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=NIS4P8xbPtg#t=140s"><span style="color: blue;">“WHOOH-ooh-uh-OOH-uh”</span></a> around the 02:30 mark, just like the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=_2wsx1onlOE#t=69s"><span style="color: blue;">“whoooooo”</span></a> during the “Kryptonite” hook. You <b><i>have to</i></b>. It’s the law.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> fact:</b> Michael Jackson stole </i>“<i>shamone</i>”<i> from Mavis. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> <b>LOOK MORE LIKE JAYNE KENNEDY WHEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET.</b> </i>In ’99 Jayne set the beauty standard for every lovely female in the club pursued by a Sociology major, thanks to “Ms. Fat Booty.” But Mos was pushing a fantasy for you guys! <i>Jayne Kennedy types don’t go to the club!</i> Try the library or the record store. </div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>Winston Rodney is Burning Spear's real name, since Jamaican parents must name their children as though they are going to take a seat in the British Parliament 30 years later. </b></div><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. Burning Spear, <i>Marcus Garvey</i></b> (Island, 1975). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$2.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">You are the top student in class today if you knew that Burning Spear named his album after <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=IwvoxxtkM_M#t=9s"><span style="color: blue;">Phife’s high school!</span></a> And if you laugh at my corny rap-reference jokes! And you are the top student <i>in my heart</i> if you can keep the Jamaica theme going over the next 24 hours - run a gwaan fi dere and get me the instrumental of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBqm2HOqy_o"><span style="color: blue;">Nas' “The Don,” last week's new one produced by Salaam Remi</span></a>. Nas is still obsessed with the nation of Colombia, his lyrics are still about cigars, and the whole thing is so '99. But I love the Super Cat intro, the Super Cat hook, god that beat is just terrific with those big fat thick drums that I've been missing since Clams and his spaceship sounds took over. Mostly I'm just grateful for a song without a hashtag in its title.<br />
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I recommend the horns on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mWNi7u9OLY"><span style="color: blue;">“Marcus Garvey”</span></a> as aural caffeine (nice work, Bobby Ellis), plus the vocal is so solid - typical of Jamaican singers, those triumphant wails. I also recommend that a producer use the piano-bass-drums snippet at the beginning of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7u92KdRTj3I"><span style="color: blue;">“Jordan River”</span></a> as a break. I do <i>not</i>, however, recommend doing a lyric search of Marcus Garvey, as this will yield verses from terrible MCs trying to give you a history lesson (Lupe, Asher). The good news is that I can pull out my Black Star album for a refresher course, should anyone need it, followed by my mini-speech about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=sAWrd_Ej3Mk#%21"><span style="color: blue;">Curren$y</span></a> and how the news about him suing Dame Dash fills me with a deep satisfaction, like when I see a kitten or I hear the bass ride out like an ancient mating call. <br />
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<b>“I'm not afraid to say I'm scared,” </b>Thurston wrote in Sonic Youth’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU1GqciiQRY"><span style="color: blue;">“Burning Spear,”</span></a> a fun, lo-fi journey of drums and bass that LCD Soundsystem has tried to take me on numerous times through imitation (with a fair amount of success, actually). <b>“In my bed I'm deep in prayer/I trust the speed, I love the fear/The music comes: the burning spear.”</b> You can’t argue with that. Of <i>course </i>Das Racist mentions Burning Spear in lyrics; shockingly, the Beastie Boys do not, according to the quick scan of the Beastie Boys lyrics section of my brain. Anyway, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2C299Q3cA"><span style="color: blue;">“Deep Ass Shit”</span></a> has that great Doom loop, which is actually a Madvillain loop but <i>Doom Loop</i> sounds so cool, like an exhilarating, super-scary rollercoaster. Trust the speed. Love the fear. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Fact:</b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span>The “Bagawire</i><i>”</i><i> (alternately spelled “Bag-o-Wire” on Studio One discussion boards) named in the title track is maybe Marcus' former driver, maybe a family member? In either case, he was close to Marcus and betrayed him.</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Listen to more conscious/love songs. “Marcus Garvey words come to pass,” he sings, and then he turns into a love song with “Come little one/Let me do what I can for youuuuuuu,” which is, swoon, all a girl needs to hear these days.</i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. Frank Zappa, <i>apostrophe (’)</i></b> (Discreet, 1974). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$1.</span></span></div><div style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">WHEN I SAY ZAP, YOU SAY PA.</b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span>Grab some, whenever and wherever he turns up (unless I'm there with you, in which case let me have first dibs). <br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc8Fs5EZTYQ"><span style="color: blue;">Unkle</span></a> saw their drum break opportunity with this record and pounced on it. Smart move. But Black Milk - Zappa fan and person who puts DRUMS on his tax return under Occupation - could <i>kill </i>this record, just stab it and leave it for dead on the side of the highway. I'm thrilled to have found <i>apostrophe</i>, but a Zappa-Black Milk meetup in my brain will always take a dark turn as long as the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iu9v8OdsBq8"><span style="color: blue;">“Zap”</span></a> break continues to remain elusive. It tortures me. At the swap meet I passed by House Shoes, a man who would <i>definitely </i>know what that break source is, but I was too shy to say anything even though he and I have a mutual love of Dennis Coffey. I am shaky and large-eyed and nervous, like a Chihuahua. Alcohol doesn't work very well for me as a social lubricant so a drink would not have helped. I relax on half a Valium and THIS playing when I stroll around:<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> Discreet was Zappa’s label subsidiary, his attempt to subvert the corporate interests of the mighty Warner Bros. Records (just like Prince would attempt a few years later. I am told this did not end well).</i><i> Discreet also put out an album by <b>Ted Nugent</b> in '74. Given the differences in Nugent's and Zappa's political views, the only explanation that works here is that Ted must've just been “eccentric, bad-boy Michigan woodsman” at this point, and hadn't yet turned into “INSANE, xenophobic, ‘Get the hell off my property’ right-winger with a shotgun.”</i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal: </b>FIND OUT WHAT THE “ZAP” BREAK IS, JESUS CHRIST. </i></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>6. Mantronix, <i>In Full Effect</i></b> (Capitol, 1988). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$2!</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">THANK YOU, BASS-ED GOD.<br />
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Best Logo in This Particular Record Haul, no question. Best Band Name. Best Bass. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcpDdtbtqOU"><span style="color: blue;">“Do You Like...Mantronik?”</span></a> is the album's best song, and for the record I LOVE Mantronik, thank you, but the album's <b>Best Song <i>Title </i>is “In Full Effect (In Full Effect),” which, in case you forgot, is on that Mantronix album called <i>In Full Effect</i>.</b> And isn't it super fresh that dudes are once again are dressing like this,<i> in 2012? </i>Yes, it's fresh (it's fresh).<i> It's fresh.</i><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> </i>In Full Effect<i> came out in '88, as did </i>In Effect Mode<i> by your man <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7izcefK_Ek"><span style="color: blue;">Al B. Sure!</span></a> I'm not sure which is the better album title, but Al “definitely had the better hair,” says <a href="https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=ryan+evans+wisconsin&gbv=2&oq=ryan+evans+wisconsin&aq=f&aqi=g3g-S3&aql=&gs_sm=3&gs_upl=458l7206l0l7388l29l28l5l11l13l0l118l966l10.2l12l0&gs_l=img.3..0l3j0i24l3.458l7206l0l7389l29l28l5l11l13l0l118l966l10j2l12l0.llsin."><span style="color: blue;">Ryan Evans, guard for Wisconsin</span></a>.“Oh really, because I prefer his eyebrows,” adds <a href="http://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1252&bih=570&q=kentucky+anthony+davis&gbv=2&oq=kentucky+anthony+davis&aq=f&aqi=g3g-m1g-S2g-mS2&aql=&gs_l=img.3..0l3j0i5j0i24l2j0i5i24l2.194l3042l0l3193l22l19l0l3l3l0l167l1607l8j8l16l0.llsin."><span style="color: blue;">Anthony Davis</span></a>. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Run into Peanut Butter Wolf at Trader Joe's sometime. He and I need to have a chat about these guys. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>7. Sade, <i>Lovers Rock</i></b> (Epic, 2000). <span style="color: #cc0000;">Price: classified. Too cheap to be legal.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Like me, Sade has a very un-sexy first name (Helen!), prefers hoop earrings to doorknockers, and likes to show off her tummy. We are one. If Sade and I had <i>both </i>made <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdPujw0jy2A"><span style="color: blue;">Nas' “obedient fantasy objects with female anatomy” list</span></a> and if we had both been <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMapsP4eohw"><span style="color: blue;">introduced by Tom Hanks at least once</span></a>, we would truly be the same person. </div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Expensive records are like a cruel taunt from the universe. I'm out here tryin to <i>function</i>, which in Bay slang means “Pay my rent and add to my record collection without compromising my ability to pay my rent.” Box sets of Doom 45s are wicked temptation, as is anything with the words “limited edition colored vinyl” on the cover. Torture. At Amoeba, <i>Lovers Rock</i> is $30, but my strong sense of justice/broke-ness has prevented me from laying down the cash. Turns out I was smart to wait this one out, because I found a pristine virgin beautiful shining brand-new copy for much MUCH less than $30 at the swap meet. There was bargaining involved - I wrote a number on a piece of paper and slid it across the folding-table to the eccentric booth proprietor wearing a dirty old Kentucky Wildcats t-shirt. The final price is a secret; <b> 17 records for $47 total</b>, though, remember? Let's just say that the Person With Breasts discount is a beautiful thing. Everybody was jealous of this find when I walked around with it, but I didn’t gloat because that’s unladylike. Gloating on the Internet, however? Super ladylike. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy! </b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">facts:</b> 1. The name Folasade (Sade shortened it) is Yoruban and means “honor earns a crown.” 2. Dizzee Rascal is half Nigerian. And <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5X6lXk40GVI"><span style="color: blue;">“Where's da G's”</span></a> is still incredible, 4 years later. 3. Sadly, superfox Idris Elba is not at all Nigerian (half Sierra Leonean, half Ghanaian). Neither is Doom (</i>Dumile <i>is a Zimbabwean name). But did you see that? I still met my goal of working them both into this post. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goals:</b> <b>1.</b> Show off my tummy more. 5 days out of the week is </i><i>not enough. <b>2. </b>Give my love completely, like Sade offers her man in “By Your Side.” Provide warmth, sweetness. Be as ride-or-die as possible while still maintaining feminist beliefs. I am also determined not to let love disrupt, corrupt or interrupt me, just like my buddy <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iErNRBTPbEc&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL5BF371F7EA021F62"><span style="color: blue;">Jack White</span></a>. But mostly I just hope to deeply feel the power of love while skateboarding, like Marty McFly.</i></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">★</span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>Art direction by Ed Thrasher, who also did the <i>Purple Rain</i> cover!</b></div></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>8. Allen Toussaint, <i>Southern Nights</i></b> (Reprise, 1975). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$7.</span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
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“Nice! (Toussaint) produced The Meters,” said my new friend Andy, owner of a record store in Montebello, CA. He saw <i>Southern Nights</i> in my hand, freshly purchased from another seller. <br />
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“Yes, I know! And Dr. John! <i>And Lee Dorsey!</i>” I said, in a very nice way, I promise. (I'm a know-it-all, but I was raised right.) “C’mon, Andy! It’s not amateur hour.” Andy smiled, and thus a new friendship bloomed in the Los Angeles afternoon, the sunlight bouncing all over the place while EWF's “Getaway” played. I can be intensely nerdy and high-spirited, and did not want to scare Andy off. Thus, in our first few minutes of knowing each other, things I kept to myself included the fact that <i>Toussaint </i>means “all saints” in French, and he wrote the song that was later used for the “meet your bachelorettes” portion of <i>The Dating Game</i> (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDlcMpFLJlc"><span style="color: blue;">“Whipped Cream,”</span></a> as played by Herb Alpert). I suppressed my speech about how Arcade Fire are direct descendents of Earth Wind & Fire, since they both traffic in joy, multilayered arrangements, that thing where there are 50 people on stage, and lyrics about a better life. Nor did I start a spirited round of “Handclap Ranking,” my most favorite party game, in which the topic of whether Toussaint’s perfectly-placed handclaps on the Meters’ “Handclapping Song” are superior to the ones on “Nolia Clap” or “Party All the Time.” That comes later in our relationship.<br />
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HAND. CLAPS. The “We Luv Deez Hoes” break is proof that Antwan and Andre have the same taste in records as me. And I am not a ho but I bet you I could catch the eye of any straight man from the counties of Fulton <i>or</i> DeKalb because I wear jeans that are a little too tight and because, in the words of Lee Dorsey as written and produced by Toussaint, everything I do gon be funky from now on. <i>EVERYTHING</i>. </div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> Just a repeat of that superdope </i>Purple Rain<i> fact I provided to you up top there. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Get Big Boi to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxXsEFajtrI"><span style="color: blue;">take me to the Cheesecake Factory</span></a>. </i></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div></div></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Lalo had a meannnnn “Jack in <i>The Shining</i>” hairdo in ‘71.</b></div><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>9. Lalo Schifrin, <i>Rock Requiem</i></b> (Verve, 1971). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3. <i><b>$3!</b></i></span></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;">Lalo’s real name is Boris but when you grow up in Argentina you get a cool Latin nickname and cool Latin cachet - like how Gisele is actually a no-hips-having broad of <i>German </i>descent but she gets to check off “Brazilian” on Census forms. No fair. Anyway, when it comes to nicknames, Jamaicans are tops at giving them (Family Man, Stepping Razor, Bunny, Scratch, Horsemouth, Bag-o-Wire), but <a href="http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-q/2012/03/the-nick-collison-guest-blog-vol-5-why-i-take-my-nickname-creation-duties-very-very-seriously.html#ixzz1p7ccGkZN"><span style="color: blue;">this </span><i style="color: blue;">GQ </i><span style="color: blue;">piece by big ol’ goofy Thunder forward Nick Collison</span></a> is proof that NBA players can hold their own. Nick's an over-explainer; his heart's in the right place, though. “Eric Maynor is mostly referred to as ‘E’ but I call him ‘Sleazy-E.’ This is adaptated from the rapper Eazy-E.” Thanks, Nick! Got it, buddy! “Russheed Wallace” is a cute one for Russell Westbrook (because of all those technicals), but I cannot support “Jimbo Slice” for James Harden. “(Insert first letter)-imbo (Insert first letter)-ice” has already been done about a hundred times, most notably by this really <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OkKubfZyHE&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">intense, grouchy MC from Brownsville</span></a>. Thus I have decided <a href="http://espn.go.com/nba/player/_/id/3992/james-harden"><span style="color: blue;">James Harden</span></a> is “Jalley,” because of that Stalley beard. “J-Halley” is also acceptable.<br />
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<i>Rock Requiem</i> was a respectable purchase, though percussion deities King Errisson and Ron Tutt are underused. Also I'm still confused as to why Ron never got the nickname “King” since his last name is <i>Tutt</i>. Of additional note: It says “For the dead in southeast Asia” on the back, a heavy, serious concept that Marvin Gaye took on that same year but in a way sexier fashion. Marvin added James Jamerson and some front-cover sexy wistfulness and though I was not alive that year, I decided in 1971 that Marvin and I should probably kiss and maybe get married. The song “Agnus Dei” bangs, and the song title “Kyrie Eleison” (I had to look it up) means <i>lord have mercy</i>, which is like how your Aunt Jean says it, as opposed to the <i>lawdaMERcy</i> of Cutty Ranks. And Alexander Saint Charles (Mustafa voice on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmiXSsJx57c"><span style="color: blue;">“Final Prayer”</span></a>) appears a few years later on Quincy's <i>Body Heat</i>, the title track of which is used in a “They Want EFX” remix, <i>the original of which</i> is dipped in purple stuff and used in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrv_WXbsQ1s"><span style="color: blue;">“Trilla,”</span></a> shoutout to Beautiful Lou for emailing me the instrumental because I asked sweetly, and shoutout to Danny Brown's supercalafragilistic tic-tac flow during his turn in the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR4e79n4nYc"><span style="color: blue;">XXL cypher</span></a>. He says about 8 words during his turn and <i>still</i> puts heads to bed. Bum-stiggedy. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
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</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> </i><i>“</i><i>Gradual</i><i>”</i><i> (side A) features Mike Melvoin on organ. <b>That’s “Wendy and Lisa” Wendy's dad!</b></i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Get a tight, tight nickname - NOT something like “Henchman” or “Un.” Those dudes are what my 13-year-old cousin would call “bitch made.”</i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>10. Love Unlimited, <i>Under the Influence Of…Love Unlimited</i></b> (20th Century, 1973). <span style="color: #cc0000;">99¢.</span></span><br />
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Breaks-use low points include Wale and Khalifa, two individuals whose success I take as personal insult. High points, thankfully, include the Beatnuts, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQR-I4jdXoE"><span style="color: blue;">9th Wonder</span></a>, and Buckwild, who <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EkRL7Wruf1I"><span style="color: blue;">harnessed the woodwind and keys from “Under the Influence of Love” up there and crafted this, my heroic theme song</span></a> as I glide over rooftops to save Gotham from The Joker. <br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</span><i><span style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</span> </i></b><i>Glodean, on the far right up there, entered into holiest and funkiest of matrimonies with Mr. Barry White in '74, the image of which is now giving me sexy nightmares. She looks pretty dainty, that's all I'm saying. </i><b><i> </i></b><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=PSLQMBwJbe8#t=104s"><span style="color: blue;">Introduce JuJu to my dad</span></a>. </i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>11. Roy Ayers Ubiquity, <i>Mystic Voyage</i></b> (Polydor, 1975). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.</span></span><br />
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Shoutout to you, biology-teacher-looking-guy with red hair at the booth upstairs who was amazed and a little jealous that I have an original copy of Ayers' <i>Change Up the Groove</i> (NWA break, Pretty Purdie on drums). Felt good. But NONSHOUTOUT TO <i>YOU</i>, guy who had the unabashed GALL to walk around in a Celtics jersey while the LA-Boston game was on the TV (inside, near the bar). By the time the game was over, he was gone and I never got the chance to make some kind of sassy comment to him about the superiority of the Lakers (97-94). Ah well, at least LA won, and at least the team still has the ultra-clutch Derek Fisher, who, in a typically reliable performance that day, had 9 points and 2 assists, along with his usual bag full of calm vibes and classy sportsmanship, contributions which cannot be quantified! He will forever be frozen in time as a Laker and never every go awa--OH.<br />
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All fired up after seeing the clown in green and white, because I'm exactly like Buggin Out in <i>Do the Right Thing</i>, my city pride swelled. It suddenly became extra necessary to buy some vinyl by a local musician. I already have<i> Appetite for Destruction</i> and <i>Forever Changes</i> on vinyl, and while my copy of <i>Detox </i>seems to keep getting lost in the mail, I <i>do </i>have <i>No One Can Do It Better</i> which contains the Dre work I hold most dear. I needed an LA someone - preferably someone who has been on the scene ever since honeys (my mom) was wearin Sassoon. I also needed to get some music-nerd points back after enjoying that awful <a href="http://straightfresh.net/tyga-dont-drop-that-thun-thun-remix/"><span style="color: blue;">“Thun Thun”</span></a> song on the radio a little <i>too much</i> during my drive to the swap meet. (Link provided just so I can prove to you that Tyga’s curtains-in-a-Southern-funeral-home-meets-Chris-Wallace style is not something I made up). I chose a little Ayers, which obviously hit the spot. I am a genius. <i>Logan, you're a genius</i>, you'll say at my next BBQ, when I put on “Brother Green (The Disco King)” and the ladies put on their Sassoons and dance and drive the boys wild. (The song was written by Ayers and Edwin Birdsong, who had a hit with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3AKrwna2C8"><span style="color: blue;">“Cola Bottle Baby,”</span></a> a jam about the way my Sassoons compliment my shape.) Then I put on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnikr3Rf2YU"><span style="color: blue;">“Rapper Dapper Snapper”</span></a> and we all drink Patron and talk about breaks, and someone says <i>This is what heaven is. Blame it on the Patron but it's the goddamn truth.</i> <br />
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</div><b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> The brownstone-owning, OJ-drinking Celtic fan in </i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=jc6_XgtOQgI#t=55s"><span style="color: blue;">Do the Right Thing</span></a><i> was played by John Savage, character actor on cop shows. He worked as an assistant production manager for certain sequences of </i>Malcolm X -<i> which was shot in South Africa, where Savage was living at the time working with Nelson Mandela on the anti-apartheid movement. This only </i>slightly <i>makes up for his attempts to gentrify Brooklyn, however. <b><br />
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<b><i style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</i> </b><i>Make an Ayers x Isley mixtape for someone I have a crush on. Call it </i>Mystic <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fh6lGI1bOkw"><span style="color: blue;">Voyage to Atlantis</span></a><i>. </i><b><br />
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<b></b><span style="font-size: large;"><b>12. Scritti Politti, <i>Cupid & Psyche 85</i></b> (Virgin, 1985).<span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">99¢.</span><br />
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Remember the “driving home from my mom’s after Christmas 2011” moment in the Prius, when The Outfield’s “Your Love” came on the radio? I nearly drove off the road to my death, remember, because I was so delirious with melody and fuzzy guitar chords? Scritti Politti's “Perfect Way” is like that, plus 3 Zolofts in my eggnog plus the sugar from 12 candy canes coursing through my bloodstream, plus <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=ZZ4ICdzKorY#t=176s"><span style="color: blue;">KEYS INTERLUDE</span></a>. Fred Maher produced “Perfect Way,” along with Matthew Sweet’s “Girlfriend,” another delicious piece of fluff celebrating the Caucasian female. This record is exactly what it sets out to be; the songs sound like what the photo above looks like. The synth and drums are pleasing, but in that dated kind of way that we tend to look down on. <i>“<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairlight_CMI"><span style="color: blue;">Fairlight</span></a> progamming is an actual credit!, bwahaha.”</i> We're such snobs. But then there's <i>Arif Mardin</i>'s name under “producer” for 3 of the tracks, which we appreciate because we're dorks, and this credit decreases the <i>guilt </i>part of the record's guilty pleasure ranking. But really all I care about is somebody getting Prince to cover “Perfect Way” at the <b style="color: red;"><span style="color: black;">Fantasy Concert of ’86 That I Will Attend Once I Achieve Time-Travel Abilities</span>*</b>, please. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> fact: </b>We all know about Cupid in Roman mythology. Psyche, however, is lesser-known - she was a mortal girl who was “born too beautiful for her own safety,” a situation with which I am very familiar, obviously. Psyche also means </i><i>“</i><i>butterfly</i><i>”</i><i> in Greek! Aww. </i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Get a DJ to play “Perfect Way”</i><i> at the Do-Over. </i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>13. The Fatback Band, <i>Raising Hell</i></b> (Event/Polydor, 1975). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.</span></span><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/PeeOPR8bxac" width="520"></iframe><br />
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“This is not music to roller skate by,” explain the liner notes on Eric Dolphy's <i>Out to Lunch! </i><br />
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<b>“This is music to roller skate by,”</b> explains me, when I put on <i>Raising Hell</i>. And it's got that Roni Size break. But I’m still returning my copy because I couldn’t find “My Adidas” anywhere on the track listing. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact: </b>“Fatback” is an actual thing - “the strip of fat from the back of a hog carcass usually cured by drying and salting,” says Webster's. I'm no longer a Five Percenter, so I can partake if I so choose. </i><br />
<div style="color: #cc0000;"><b><i><br />
</i></b></div><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Get Fatback's </i>Let's Do It Again<i> - “Ah yes, the one with the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aas2M3gfpmE"><span style="color: blue;">'Mathematics' break</span></a> that I flipped,” according to Premier, in my imagination, when he wants to talk about nerd stuff and sends me a DM. </i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM7Fk4Y_RNDdp20ddCYqzjE8njNhk6v6pB8YtfBeunWKUpIrkO8_1BhYflTHKPcBa0pULjZ9WrRdvqdHx3IUOzMFg4VdvR4fybI53wBZhWc0FltfVNWsBzVbOnrGWzISR7XD9TBXeVdRna/s1600/mandrill-500.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM7Fk4Y_RNDdp20ddCYqzjE8njNhk6v6pB8YtfBeunWKUpIrkO8_1BhYflTHKPcBa0pULjZ9WrRdvqdHx3IUOzMFg4VdvR4fybI53wBZhWc0FltfVNWsBzVbOnrGWzISR7XD9TBXeVdRna/s1600/mandrill-500.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>14.<i> Mandrill</i></b> (Polydor, 1971). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3. And in shockingly great condition.</span></span><br />
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Dudes say <b><i>I fuck with this so hard</i></b>. Dudes in LA say <b><i>I fuck with this so hord</i></b>. I am a lady, so I just went <b><i>Gasp!</i></b> and said <b><i>Ohmygodddd</i> </b>and did a little excited jump-up-and-down real quick when I found it. I had this one but not an <i>original </i>of this one, which is only important to the kind of person who cares so deeply about the dearth of originality in modern culture that she posts hateful things about MMG's roster in rap site comments sections. <br />
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Someone named Mark Henry produced that new Don Trip <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIJ__Sgd8dY"><span style="color: blue;">“Help is on the Way,”</span></a> its beat built atop <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3tWcMXYZc4"><span style="color: blue;">THISSSSSS, gasp!, Ohmygoddddd what a SONNNNG</span></a>. Normally I'd back slowly away from a producer who assisted tiny, unpleasant Wale (someone named Mark Henry), especially if this Mark Henry maybe got the break idea from Eminem's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Q_gNIFBpyfo"><i style="color: blue;">All 12-Step Everything</i></a> album, but in 2012 I guess I should open my mind a little. No more assumptions. I also thought the combination of a Jodeci snippet and David Banner raps would be an automatic slam-dunk, for example. Alas, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9R6496ZBsA"><span style="color: blue;">no</span></a>. But if you can do a good approximation of Banner's <i>YAUGH-ughhh</i> for me, I want to hire you for my parties. <br />
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<div style="color: #cc0000;"><i><b>Jeopardy!</b></i><i><b> Fact? Sigh. No, the following would never turn up on </b></i><b>Jeopardy!</b><i><b> (but it remains a nerd fact that I cherish nonetheless: </b><span style="color: black;">Mandrill producer Beau Ray Fleming also had a hand in Sun's albums, including </span></i><span style="color: black;">Live On, Dream On</span><i><span style="color: black;">, with “My Woman” - used in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=mdYFIllT3BA"><span style="color: blue;">“Protect and Serve,”</span></a> from </span></i><span style="color: black;">Super Tight </span><i><span style="color: black;">(</span></i><i><span style="color: black;">“</span></i><i><span style="color: black;">The red one! Oh God. They're crouching down? You know? The one where <a href="http://purple-drank.a1yola.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/UGK-Super-Tight.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Chad had the Mighty Ducks jersey on?</span></a> Oh Jesus. What's it called. You know the one I'm talking about</span></i><i><span style="color: black;">”</span></i><i><span style="color: black;"> - me, describing </span></i><span style="color: black;">Super Tight</span><i><span style="color: black;">, because I can never remember it's called </span></i><span style="color: black;">Super Tight </span><i><span style="color: black;">and that's not very tight of me.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: black;"> </span></i><i><b> </b></i></div><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Get to Memphis. Need to see Issac's gold Eldorado, have someone play “Hold On...I'm Comin” when I walk down the street, see the ghost of Otis around every corner, and go record shopping. I also hear I might be able to get some fairly decent BBQ. </i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFmFaf7AW43Xczf6NMOQ2HKGAPC3LbmPL0tHxyIlQPqXWs1OuJC5987Ulwq6PNQBwBQtJns91xUTEOG_3Do_sdl53pOFSNrbCFELGcasxCHdttN_QvTPGj0Ab9tKfrN95U8hQakkUNZcoU/s1600/eastwood+good+bad+ugly-500.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFmFaf7AW43Xczf6NMOQ2HKGAPC3LbmPL0tHxyIlQPqXWs1OuJC5987Ulwq6PNQBwBQtJns91xUTEOG_3Do_sdl53pOFSNrbCFELGcasxCHdttN_QvTPGj0Ab9tKfrN95U8hQakkUNZcoU/s1600/eastwood+good+bad+ugly-500.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>ALL CHRYSLER EVERYTHING. </b></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>15. Ennio Morricone, <i>The Good, the Bad & the Ugly </i>soundtrack</b> (United Artists, 1967). <span style="color: #cc0000;">$3.</span></span><br />
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I'd like El-P (rapbeat master of so many <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udu8cSKtoYo"><span style="color: blue;">action-tension-release</span></a> journeys in my headphones) to score a film, so let's get on that; in the meantime, Morricone is the master of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYHkH6drVT0&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">action-tension-release</span></a> journey in cinematic sound. The hero of this film is someone named “Blondie.” The “crying coyotes” sound from its main theme is looped in productions by superb musical humans including but not limited to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZjAantupsA&ob=av2e"><span style="color: blue;">Larry Blackmon</span></a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HIbSXlf2K-c"><span style="color: blue;">Mannie Fresh</span></a>. The title itself turns up in Doom’s mouth during “Vomitspit.” It was 3 bucks. It's <i>Morricone</i>. Case closed. I bought it. “You wanna come home with me?” I asked it, reaching inside to check its body for scratches and other signs of wear. “Listen, I don't have time for psychological romance,” I said, “just be straight with me.” Seduced, it took me up on my offer. (I was wearing really tight jeans). We're having a threeway next week when I get the <i>I...Comme Icare</i> soundtrack with the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=DuJD6uhMvL8"><span style="color: blue;">sparkly Rae break</span></a>. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> <b> “In my childhood, America was like a religion,” director Sergio Leone said, “Then, real-life Americans abruptly entered my life - in jeeps - and upset all my dreams.”</b> Well, yes. This has been our foreign policy for decades now. I get it, Serge. </i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnSIaBuPouHkfYNZvBr35I4n8XV2iRrQOivVj3hQwjJxPRjvlQbLQnvoMtDXavbpevTad-bOJqy4FJqrK6We2ooc9zurERncaABgHPPClpi5CwA_YCa8ZeGyPZzOfjyP9tWXAc2eqI7Tfl/s1600/sergio+leone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnSIaBuPouHkfYNZvBr35I4n8XV2iRrQOivVj3hQwjJxPRjvlQbLQnvoMtDXavbpevTad-bOJqy4FJqrK6We2ooc9zurERncaABgHPPClpi5CwA_YCa8ZeGyPZzOfjyP9tWXAc2eqI7Tfl/s1600/sergio+leone.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><i>He later added, “My greatest fear is that, in the future, young Americans will accept the horrible bars spood-fed to them in a marketing scheme that seeks to further the corporate interests of a large, grunting man who jacks my whole look. Hypnotized 13-year-olds running around shouting BAWSE; I cannot explain this.” </i></div><i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> <b>Time travel. <span style="color: red;">*</span></b>Cameo are headliners at my Fantasy Concert of 1986, the lineup for which I have been curating in my imagination for the last several days. I’m frequently shuffling the show’s time slots but it's a done deal that the opener and closer will be Cameo and Prince</i><i>, respectively. Starship will do “We Built This City,” and when Simply Red comes out to do “Holding Back the Years,” we'll all sway in the audience and cry and hold each other. DeBarge will definitely do “Rhythm of the Night,” for which we'll form a dance circle. Oran “Juice” Jones will do “The Rain.” I'll need <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gpgYBYD-8gM&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">Jermaine Stewart</span></a> to make a brief appearance. We'll forget him a month later but in the moment we will feel like he's just going to keep putting out terrific singles. Ready for the World will tear the fucking house down, and Prince will come out and build a new fucking house just to tear it the fuck down, including the basement, perimeter footings, and the concrete foundation. He'll do a cover of Neil Young's </i><i>“</i><i>Heart of Gold,</i><i>”</i><i> turning it into a 23-minute-long slow-burner with 3 guitar solos. His surprise guest will be Sheila E. He'll pull me onstage during <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0byvg2SfjI"><span style="color: blue;">“A Love Bizarre,”</span></a> and he'll impregnate me just by touching my hand. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT. For any of you interested in coming to the afterparty, these dudes <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7azN6WifnM"><span style="color: blue;">Derrick, Juan and Kevin are DJing</span></a>.</i><i> </i><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPhhVmuvtS-WP9Cs7qoGjI0ThueyloZua0M_dXOCuhBejfmHP2E15YMsb9-hRoS8oFsAm9ycuoXOdsxJkJIPS-cTRlxEXJtFLShwFReGmr8mLdYaZAf2yKl4s8kcV9mlylQXI4Zjyxbn8y/s1600/coldblooded+1-1-610.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPhhVmuvtS-WP9Cs7qoGjI0ThueyloZua0M_dXOCuhBejfmHP2E15YMsb9-hRoS8oFsAm9ycuoXOdsxJkJIPS-cTRlxEXJtFLShwFReGmr8mLdYaZAf2yKl4s8kcV9mlylQXI4Zjyxbn8y/s1600/coldblooded+1-1-610.JPG" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>“Teeheeheeeeee! OH RICK, you’re so charming and funny! Sure, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PHETt6ccEo"><span style="color: blue;">I’d love to try it!</span></a> GOD, I feel <i>fantastic!</i> I don't see how this night could possibly go wrong!”</b> </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>16. Rick James, <i>Cold Blooded</i> </b>(Gordy, 1983). </span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">99¢.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
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“I have a lush, thick head of hair. I don't take myself too seriously. I'm a singer with a refreshing lack of church-choir background. I saw you at the Beat Swap Meet, walkin around with that <i>body </i>like you're straight off the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r401KVxZXw"><i style="color: blue;">Bustin Out of L Seven</i><span style="color: blue;"> cover</span></a>; you’re a record nerd with large eyes, and you're sort of awkward, but I like that. You’re sexy and I want to defile you and tie you up, listen mama, are you cool with that” - Rick’s “Missed Connections” post in search of me. He's my king and we are in love. See you later, LAMES. <br />
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Undeniable jungle cat, professor of Freakonomics, Dude in Italian Leather Who I'd Let Boss Me Around, Rick howls and growls and pleads on <i>Cold Blooded</i>, and it is delicious. But <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9g0WbkDhRQ"><i style="color: blue;">Throwin' Down</i></a> is better<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">. </span></span><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">And other than the pleasure derived from tracks <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2SyB1h2TRc"><span style="color: blue;">1</span></a> and 2, </span></span><i>Cold Blooded</i> would probably be just another 12” x 12” surface on which I'd chop and snort something if it weren't for the contributions of Allen McGrier on bass (“Square Biz”; “In My House”). Too many slow jams. And the fact that “Cold Blooded” is supposedly about <a href="http://www.contactmusic.com/news/linda-blair-opens-up-about-rick-james-romance_1243770"><span style="color: blue;">Linda Blair</span></a> is too weird for me to cope with. Still, Rick's white suit inside (gatefold cover) is killer, and like Mac Dre says, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dHMtjOH68Q"><span style="color: blue;">“Hoez Love It,”</span></a> which is true, hoes really do, making <i>Cold Blooded</i> the second record in this haul to have provided a sample source for a ho-themed song (Toussaint/Outkast). Hoes also love the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=lnjbMtHH1H8#t=150s"><b style="color: blue;"><i>FREEZE</i></b><span style="color: blue;"> part in the middle of the song, where the key changes and the synth takes control like synth is supposed to</span></a>. Some of my cousins are hoes so I know about these things. I mean it, though - avoid the ballads. When Rick talks to women like they are <i>actual people </i>instead of sex dolls, he loses his touch. The awful “Ebony Eyes,” for example, features Smokey Robinson, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww-qjnpA8kc&ob=av2e"><span style="color: blue;">who thought he looked cute with a mustache</span></a>. This was the fault of cocaine. Mustaches are reserved for Slick Rick, Zappa, Morris Day, John Oates of course, my uncle Pete, and Mario & Luigi. Cue <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4T0ZaHhKklU"><span style="color: blue;">“Super Brooklyn.”</span></a></div><br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> Back when he was called “Jumpman,” Mario was given a mustache because his mouth was too difficult for the animators to draw in pixellated form. And they made him a carpenter by trade because overalls were an easy outfit to animate. </i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=bDbpzjbXUZI#t=210s"><span style="color: blue;">Let my hair down/Let my body dowwwwwn</span></a> more often. To please Rick. </i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>17. King Crimson, <i>Larks’ Tongues in Aspic</i></b> (Atlantic, 1973). </span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">99¢.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Dark Side of the Moon</i> came out right before this one - same year, same month - which I'm sure prompted lots of nervous stomachaches and “bloody hell”s from the members of King Crimson. <i>Dark Side</i> is completely overrated, email me if you wanna start a fight about this; <i>Wish You Were Here</i> is the better record, and I'm not just saying that because I love beautiful crazies like Syd Barrett.<br />
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“Easy Money” is the superstar on <i>Larks' Tongues</i>; those first 45 seconds are pure Fripp-ery and if you don't get it, you are straight FRIPP. ING. I care too much about the fact that there's a credit on this record for the almighty Mellotron, a prog-rock instrument that was “very temperamental and required regular servicing,” much like myself. This bit of history will never turn up on <i>Jeopardy!</i>, yet I'm super invested. Typical. I care too much about finding an original Moğollar pressing, and about my dream of convincing Juicy J to do an all-kung-fu-sample mixtape and calling it <i>Bruce Lean</i>, and about the <a href="http://prince.org/msg/7/85300?pr"><span style="color: blue;">make and model of the </span><i style="color: blue;">Purple Rain</i><span style="color: blue;"> motorcycle</span></a>. I also care wayyyyy too much about the visual trickery apparent in the XXL freshmen cypher videos. They make it look like Danny's nodding his head to the lyrical stylings of <i>Future</i>. He's not doing that. I'm positive. LOL, video editors. <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Jeopardy!</b><i><b style="color: #cc0000;"> Fact:</b> “Aspic” is a disgusting gelatin-and-meat substance created by the people from whom I am descended - the English. (We are good at prog-rock. Not food.)</i><br />
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<i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Personal Goal:</b> Before Kanye™ thinks of it, get someone to loop the hell outta whatever you call that magic starting at 01:37. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">★</span></b></div><br />
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17 records, $47. I have successfully maintained my rent for another month. I have milk and bread in the fridge, a fresh jar of Nutella on my counter. The monthly Prius payment has been sent in and my Internet works. I'm good. My Time Warner bill comes in an envelope stamped with red ink in an attempt to convince me it needs my urgent attention. This does not work. You'll get paid next week, horrendous cable conglomerate. </div><br />
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</div></div></div></div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-55833644220252671612012-01-23T18:52:00.000-08:002012-02-03T21:59:59.007-08:00So get out on the floor to the record store/And girl, get it how you live.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdpygPM36Wx4XaLJrcA84-2rZHZWJ6o86yLa-A3AGlXi7ukHijbPfEDLuF6FbIyHheAIPgRx17IHbhmAUyZCoQr0wlIPbJEEu22z0QX0mRtokig70n9MC2nhCbu-mFWYdEXwghPjwe9Z5X/s1600/L1010305-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="436px" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdpygPM36Wx4XaLJrcA84-2rZHZWJ6o86yLa-A3AGlXi7ukHijbPfEDLuF6FbIyHheAIPgRx17IHbhmAUyZCoQr0wlIPbJEEu22z0QX0mRtokig70n9MC2nhCbu-mFWYdEXwghPjwe9Z5X/s640/L1010305-2.jpg" width="640px" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>“Okay, everybody cough up some green for the little lady.”</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">- Nice Guy Eddie (<i>Reservoir Dogs</i>), </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">on tipping a woman who <strike>has a blog</strike> works at a diner and needs cash to <strike>buy records</strike> pay her rent </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">If you are human and sometimes feel bad about yourself and your appearance, nothing tops <i>Reservoir Dogs</i>' slowmo stroll during that intro for a self-esteem booster. It's a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=lzMpH9jjo4w#t=8s"><span style="color: blue;">sugary slice of cinema cake</span></a> that I try to replicate in a sundress and some George Baker playing in my head during my walks down the street on most hot days in Los Angeles. (Ladies: Cameo's “Candy” has a similar effect on your psyche. It'll make you feel so pretty! Gentlemen, I'm not one of you, so I can't give you advice here. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yASSOA2r2VU"><span style="color: blue;">“Lend Me an Ear,”</span></a> maybe?). Tarantino stole the suited-up crew idea from John Woo, Danielle who went to film school tells me and <a href="http://www.lovehkfilm.com/reviews_2/better_tomorrow_2.htm"><span style="color: blue;">which I have since verified</span></a>, and I have infallible disdain for troupes of phony Gs who get church clothed and then say lines that have no real connection to their actual lives (MMG REFERENCE - oh, what I meant was <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maybach"><span style="color: blue;">“Poorly-Thought-Out Vehicle Tie-In Branding</span></a> Music Group” reference). Fakery appeals to me so hard in the scene, I hate to admit, but the appeal of the movie is largely just because future life partner Danny Brown and his cousin and friend <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTxdxuFwCek"><span style="color: blue;">were dogs once</span></a>. <br />
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Smart and grouchy, shit-talking fake gangsters eating pancakes and drinking coffee, every last one of them at the breakfast table are reciting lines to which they have no real connection in their non-acting lives. (I mean, other than Lawrence Tierney, who probably killed a guy at some point.) I am seduced nonetheless, though, thanks to the charms of Keitel and Roth, with a dash of Madsen thrown in because I like 'em tall. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enJwYaeolXc"><span style="color: blue;">The scene</span></a> was filmed at Pat and Lorraine's, in Eagle Rock. And a mile and a half away is Permanent Records, where I went last month, spent money, hung out with the store kitty, and bonded with the female proprietor over old men, sexism, and records (“'How could someone with <i>BREASTS </i>possibly know who Robert Fripp is?' AHAHAHA” – <a href="http://www.thevinyldistrict.com/losangeles/files/2011/05/permanent-425x318.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">her</span></a> and me, joyously doing our impressions of cranky old men shaken by ladies looking through their records at yard sales).</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">We quickly became the best of friends. <b>“Your money’s no good here,”</b> she said when I took my selections up to the register, and let me have my whole stack for free. J/K! This happened in my daydream during my drive home.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvJC1x8vLx5vrITLB4gDG8Ua5nZ-2nDkavPiyhmWWU4E8hbVNSg1edZRC3pjvqrVPjq9sf-p71pU1XdWgBKJHNKGnjtflbYOLafhToQW_Td0wYH9-bJ_CVvLMUQ8-RgkxlJ8YUaRuEuWNo/s1600/x+L1010539-2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="446" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvJC1x8vLx5vrITLB4gDG8Ua5nZ-2nDkavPiyhmWWU4E8hbVNSg1edZRC3pjvqrVPjq9sf-p71pU1XdWgBKJHNKGnjtflbYOLafhToQW_Td0wYH9-bJ_CVvLMUQ8-RgkxlJ8YUaRuEuWNo/s640/x+L1010539-2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>“Straight shots of sternum.” Avert your eyes from my bony collarbone for a second, and you'll find there's a naked lady in this picture. </b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4O91Ws47bDTMb_WrxdTqg-aF0umKVuhZPnUD-au6oVidVRAKYAdgenAA1i_7vpH1UwNQd5uzuS7qNJLB7PLQlrPZ8x4zuuegkPtKPsJ0aqsv3rlMmYytdgxQTkfmnoKrD-D3wgzZnVdaZ/s1600/just+a+taste-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="506" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4O91Ws47bDTMb_WrxdTqg-aF0umKVuhZPnUD-au6oVidVRAKYAdgenAA1i_7vpH1UwNQd5uzuS7qNJLB7PLQlrPZ8x4zuuegkPtKPsJ0aqsv3rlMmYytdgxQTkfmnoKrD-D3wgzZnVdaZ/s640/just+a+taste-2.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>Watch for my new VH-1 series, <i>Get On My Level</i>, starring me as a Joan Didion/Erica Mena hybrid.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Various, <i>Just A Taste</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(ABC/Dunhill Sampler, 1971).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">It was the cover that caught my eye - the model doing an exact naked replica of my pose every time I'm within 100 yards of my future life partner Danny Brown - but the contents were acceptable enough for me to hug it to my bosom and declare it would be coming home with me. A sampler of artists recording for the ABC/Dunhill label's upcoming releases for 1971, it's got John Lee Hooker, Genesis (progrock signed to Impulse, SO DOPE! - Impulse folded into ABC/Dunhill in the early '70s, hence Genesis' appearance on this comp), and “Journey to Satchidananda<b><span style="color: blue;">*</span></b>,” by Alice Coltrane and Pharoah Sanders. Hey, did you guys know Fly Lo is related to Alice? It's kind of an industry secret. He doesn't really like to talk about it, except in every interview and on his Facebook wall. Also, based on my habit of typing <i>pharoahe </i>instead of <i>pharaoh</i> like spellcheck would prefer, it's clear that Monch's hold on my brain continues in 2012 despite the fact that I (shamefully) haven't listened to <i>W.A.R.</i> all the way through as of this writing.<br />
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(Bonus, maybe-it'll-turn-up-on-<i>Jeopardy!</i>-someday fact: Pharrell's dad's name is <strike>Pharoahe</strike> Pharaoh.) </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b style="color: blue;">*</b> “Sachidananda is a combination of three attributes: </i>Sat <i>= existence, truth, real. </i>Chit <i>= consciousness. </i>Ananda <i>= bliss. Conscious blissful existence.” Why thank you, <a href="http://www.indiadivine.org/audarya/hinduism-forum/444871-what-exactly-do-you-mean-sachidananda.html"><span style="color: blue;">IndiaDivine.org</span></a>.</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Side C, track 1:</b> “Every Day I Have the Blues,” B.B. Kaaang, who, no disrespect, has always been more compelling as a doo-wop-ish type than a bluesman. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUV9-MN71o0"><span style="color: blue;">“I Count the Tears,”</span></a> Leiber-Stoller <i>na-na-nananana</i> loveliness, is always my pick on the table mini-jukebox at the '50s-themed diner in my hometown. He's got a beautiful voice that I want to hear singing a goofy love song rather than a heavy blues song, and his success teaches me that <a href="http://www.diabeteshealth.com/read/2005/11/01/4369/how-b-b--king-avoids-the-diabetes-blues/"><span style="color: blue;">diabetes</span></a> is no match for the human spirit! Even that HACK Adam Morrison has TWO championship rings! Guess how many non-diabetes-afflicted Vince Carter has, you guys. Oh wait, no. Don't do that. It'll make you sad. He has the same number as Baron Davis, McGrady, Elton Brand. And for my semi-old-timers in the place: Iverson. Wilkins. Kidd. Sadness! Reggie Miller's part of this club too, but he can fuck off. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b>Side D, track 1:</b> “WATCHA GONNA DO????”, which is <i>not </i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGeYeg-gblU"><span style="color: blue;">that song</span></a> about the possibility of giving it to you and then asking what you'd do with it if you were to receive it. WTTP, SAN DIEGOOOOO.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Isleys, <i>Brother Brother Brother</i></b> (T-Neck, 1972).</span> <br />
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<a href="http://cdn.mycolumbusmagic.com/files/2010/10/ron-isley.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Ron Isley</span></a> has a stronnng creepy-old-guy kind of vibe to him, which, sorry, I will always insist upon despite your protests, and when I am feeling like doing a Dre or Quik impression I'll just say <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTjPmgN98H8"><span style="color: blue;">“truth hurts”</span></a> to wrap up my point. Don't tell me you don't see it in his face. I’m just saying what you’re thinking, you guys - <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/post/terrell-suggs-once-again-god-had-to-save-tim-tebow-and-the-denver-broncos/2012/01/05/gIQAH13IdP_blog.html"><span style="color: blue;">the Terrell Suggs of ladybloggers</span></a>; that's me. Ron's face desperately tries to say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Panties off, ladies, I’m 70 years old but I still got it, laydeeeees </i>(even though he does not, in fact, got it, and did he ever, really?). He can’t help his creepy face, though. I should be nicer, because m<i>y </i>face apparently says <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I love cops </i>given the way they flock to me at Starbucks. My face therefore says nothing about me as a person and what I hold dear. It's just my face; nothing symbolic there. (So I'm sorry, Ron. I'm sorry I said that thing about your face.) That face and his tiny stature (he's what? 5'3"?) takes nothing away from his stage presence, as <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xQPFZw4mpE"><span style="color: blue;">this proves</span></a>. It also proves he's <i>always</i> had a case of creepy-old-guy face, even at age 24 in 1965. (Sorry again, Ron. Your persona on those Kells collabs was believable but I'm still mad at you for thinking you could get away with the line <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0f9mOKwnokM"><i style="color: blue;">Copped me some weed now.</i></a> OH GRANDPA, STOP.) <br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d3IRFC_MM1k"><span style="color: blue;">“Brother Brother”</span></a> will probably make your eyes well up if you have a brother, a stepbrother, a friend of the family you grew up with who's like your play-brother, or if you just have a human soul and can feel things, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0AyCGBi_ok"><span style="color: blue;">shout to Carole King</span></a>. But “Work to Do” is godbody and I listen to it thrice weekly even though I cannot identify at all with the protagonist, a man who wants his woman to understand he needs to get shit done. It’s typical of me that I love it, given the thematic consistency between <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfsN-PaWHwE"><span style="color: blue;">“Work to Do”</span></a> and Mos’ <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2YUDZZV6H8"><span style="color: blue;">“Travelin’ Man”</span></a> (<i>I'd rather lounge around nakedly with you than do anything else, but someone's gotta pay our fucking rent, WOMAN</i>). Real quick, <b>Chris Jasper on keys</b>: thank you, sir. And since it's been 3 paragraphs without a Detroit rap mention: Vessey's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNwxQ_4tEi4"><span style="color: blue;">“Work to Do.”</span></a> Yep.<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">The Isleys were from Teaneck, NJ, so their label is T-Neck. Cute pun and I love it, just like when extremely talented and non-gimmicky music professional Tyga says <i>Got my shirt off/The club too packed.</i> The club's 2 Pac-ked! Pac Blood! Pacs on Pacs on Pacs! All middle finger on a gurney everything! Shirtless back! Really, though, that's a pretty great line. There's no way Tyga wrote it. And though there were other Isleys on the record, the main Isleys were a trio on <i>Brother </i>so their publishing company was called Triple Three Music, which, no disrespect, is stupid and redundant. This is just like that time I heard there was a song called “100 Hunnit,” or as I <i>correctly</i> call it, “Ten Thousand” (100 00), with a visual featuring <a href="http://rapradar.com/2011/05/03/new-video-wale-x-meek-mill-100-hunnit/"><span style="color: blue;">Meek and Wale in an Olive Garden parking lot, out-grinning each other and trying to downplay the erotic tension between them</span></a>. It's exactly like Rabbit v Doc at the Shelter, according to your 12-year-old cousin who genuinely believes the big bag of lies MMG is selling. According to me, it's a video redeemed only by the fact that I find Meek Mill to be quite charismatic in front of a microphone. Wale can still fuck off, though. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;"><a href="http://rapradar.com/2011/05/03/new-video-wale-x-meek-mill-100-hunnit/"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Latimore, <i>It Ain’t Where You Been… It’s Where You’re Goin’</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Glades, 1976).</span> </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">One time <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NywdVBwzurU"><span style="color: blue;">I heard it's not where you're from but where you pay rent. But then, </span><span style="color: blue;">just when I was coming to terms with that concept, <i>then</i> </span><span style="color: blue;">I heard it's not what you make but how much you spent.</span></a> And there was something about a shinebox and a gypsy. Turns out that, years earlier, Latimore brought the important message that it ain’t where you been - it’s where you’re goin. So moved by this belief, he turned it into the title of an album and did a cover photo shoot on the set of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_ntsaxM-Zg&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">“The Symphony”</span></a> video or, wait, was it the set of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jX2XRrnu7mM"><span style="color: blue;">“Scalp Dem”</span></a>? Either way, 'More remembered to bring some raw emotion looking at the camera lens, probably thinking to himself <i>Don't stop, get it get it</i> (they say that in Miami, where the Glades record label originated). He also tied his shirt at the midriff without losing an ounce of masculine fire, a thing that Prince is able to accomplish in everything he's ever done, ever. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The album's got the break from Gangstarr's “Royalty,” with the line about puffin lah that lyric websites hear as "puffin lye," which is much more painful and the mistake makes me cringe. I feel embarrassed for the Internet like it's a person, the same embarrassment I feel in my tummy whenever I hear the hideous earnest goofy Beatles version of the Isleys' “Twist & Shout.” </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>It Ain't Where You Been</i> was produced by Steve Alaimo, who also did that lovely Timmy Thomas song (featuring <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tz1yjKMIfD0"><span style="color: blue;">me in the video</span></a>, wearing my finest brown wig - but not the <i>other </i>Tim Thomas, the <a href="http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/nhl-puck-daddy/bruins-mvp-tim-thomas-skips-white-house-event-203636656.html"><span style="color: blue;">true Tea Party patriot</span></a>) and Betty Wright’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZtkVj3JPaw"><span style="color: blue;">“Girls Can’t Do What the Guys Can,”</span></a> a song that speaks the truth – Girls <i>can't</i> do what the guys do/And still be a lady—except when it comes to being President and collecting records and liking sports. (We can do those 3 things without compromising our femininity.) <i>It Ain't Where You Been</i> also has the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uu0nhEuw5vc"><span style="color: blue;">“A Million and One Questions”</span></a> break on it - Premier evidently never went anywhere without his beloved Latimore record in the late '90s - but <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=is77vSbMmjI"><i style="color: blue;">Latimore III</i></a> is the superior album. Latimore also thought <i>More, More, More, Latimore</i> would be an acceptable name for an album. Cute, but not as good as my “Womacks on Macks on Macks.” I say this with conviction but still softly (as if I played piano in the dark). </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Earl Klugh</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Blue Note, 1976). </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Wikipedia would like to gently remind you that his last name is pronounced “Clue,” because Wikipedia evidently thinks you're an idiot (<i>But there’s a G and an H, Wikipedia! Surely it’s pronounced “KLUG-HUH”</i>).</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Purchased on the strength of the credit “Harvey Mason on drums”<span style="color: red;">*</span> and the presence of a song called “Slippin' In The Back Door,” which I like to think is the sequel to Main Source’s “Lookin’ at the Front Door” and the prequel to War's “Slippin Into Darkness.” Aw, but these 2 factors are not enough to save this record from back-of-the-shelf banishment and I'm glad it was cheap. If Jeezy's payin Lebron, I'm payin <a href="http://www.nba.com/playerfile/marcin_gortat/"><span style="color: blue;">Marcin Gortat</span></a>; bye bye 4 bucks, which is fine because <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jaa2JHwlNDc"><span style="color: blue;">nothing about the thing speaks to me</span></a>. I listened to it once, then returned to my priority activities of reading the <a href="http://prince.org/msg/7/332715"><span style="color: blue;">"purple banana"</span></a> discussion on the Prince message board, watching <a href="http://stonesthrow.com/news/2012/01/video-freddie-gibbs-madlib-thuggin"><span style="color: blue;">that Gibbs video</span></a> and cringing at the Beats by Dre cornball product placement but smiling at the "studio in the bedroom closet" scene, and listening to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EXclbNuXSc"><span style="color: blue;">that freaking Cee-Lo banger</span></a> and daydreaming about romance. <a href="http://grandgood.com/2012/01/22/kool-a-d-town-business-ft-mondreman-dope-g-vdo/#comment-329768"><span style="color: blue;">Ooh, or that Kool AD one, and daydreaming about bass, sweet JESUS what a song.</span></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><span style="color: red;">*</span>Google, please. Google the hell outta him. Then listen to Withers’ <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyypsBZCEvw"><span style="color: blue;">“I Wish You Well”</span></a> and marvel at the simple/powerful backbeat courtesy of Mr. Mason – but don’t steal my idea and play it in the delivery room when your firstborn enters this crazy world. IT’S </i>MY<i> IDEA. STEALING IS WRONG. </i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Spirit, <i>Best Of</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Epic, 1973). </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The only way I could ever tolerate Tebow and his Christ-y dullness is if he were to enter and leave every press conference to the sound of Norm Greenbaum's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6TFW1F6oY0&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">“Spirit In the Sky.”</span></a> That would be so fucking incredible, I mean, <i>can you imagine</i>. I'm sort of a weak person and music drives me to make bad decisions sometimes, especially if it's beautifully-produced music that starts with an echo-y guitar riff that leads into handclaps powered by the pure gospel truth, so I'm telling you that intro/outro for a boring Tebow Q&A session would be enough to make me start believing in things of which Christopher Hitchens would disapprove. Anyway, a band named <i>Spirit </i>is going to elicit these kinds of thoughts in me, which is fine because the band Spirit doesn't elicit anything in me other than <i>I liked this LA band the first time they existed, when they were called The Doors and even </i>then <i>I didn't really like them all that much</i>. Their producer was Lou Adler, responsible for producing overlapping-harmony heaven <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXwtzP8KZwY"><span style="color: blue;">“I Saw Her Again”</span></a> (BEST Mamas & Papas song, oh god those CHORDS), siring talent-deprived dirtbag Cisco Adler, almost redeeming himself by directing <i>Up In Smoke</i>, and, during his golden years, bravely taking on the chief tasks of counting his racks and <a href="http://a1.twimg.com/profile_background_images/11275027/jackandlou2.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">filling a regular courtside seat</span></a> at Staples next to Jack. Spirit just wasn't very memorable band. “Mechanical World” is spooky and dope, though. That intro is a killer.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Grover Washington, jr., <i>Paradise </i></span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Asylum, 1979).</span><b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Like me, Grover loved basketball and Bill Withers. Only one of us dedicated a song to Dr. J and played sax on “Just the Two of Us,” though. “He should go play smooth jazz,” James Brown once claimed about Grover, <a href="http://blackgrooves.org/?p=730"><span style="color: blue;">as told to Jonathan Lethem</span></a>, and I concur. It was a cold thing to say, but sexy in its coldness because it was true. “We got something else going...nothing smooth about it," James added, ice-ing things up even further. <i>Paradise </i>is smooth, for sure, but it's also boring, apart from the controversy a few years back when Grover had to change the name of his song “Icey” to “1017 Brick Squad.” It was a pretty big deal; not sure if you remember. The rest of the album is smooth and deadly boring, including the title track with a video full of images of the alleged glory of nature (whales breaching, squirrels squirrelling, a butterfly landing gently on a flower), </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">in what has to be the most solid example of heavy-handed earnestness coupled with goofiness since Shock's/Humpty's verse in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=bFmiKodg1tc#t=189s"><span style="color: blue;">“We're All in the Same Gang”</span></a> (KDAY with the assist - yesterday during my drive home from Trader Joe's). <i>Kill a black man?</i>, Hump says, <i>Yo what are you - retarded?</i> I understand that the question is probably not directed at me, but I'm <i>not</i> retarded, thank you; I'm simply trying to sort through this pile of conflicting emotions you've just laid at my feet, sir. What am I to do here? Do I laugh at your big funny nose and the fact that you just said “retarded” (always funny), or do I go volunteer at the local community center? And is it possible to combine liberal emo social-problem heartache with a groan and eye-roll? It i<i>s!</i> I just did it! </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The smoothness of Grov's alto sax cries are a nice contrast to the semi-rough/rugged history of Asylum Records, started by the tiny and rich David Geffen, recipient of a Spector punch in the face that one time, according to that Mick Brown bio I read. Geffen was also the ringleader of the first gay mafia, as opposed to the more recent gay mafia about which Fat Joe informed me. Grover's smooth cover portrait is by John Collier; I don't know if it's called<i> <a href="http://s.ecrater.com/stores/34097/46c27233c12ea_34097n.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Venus Flytrap</span></a> with Saxophone Turns to Monasticism</i>, but it <i>should </i>be. Collier was known for painting scenes of <a href="http://www.hillstream.com/collier_paintings.html"><span style="color: blue;">Christianity as a Caucasian sport</span></a> and I do not know what this has to do with smooth jazz. So is the cover image sincere or ironic? Unclear as of this writing. I have the same question about Don Trip's <a href="http://nahright.com/news/2011/12/20/don-trip-%E2%80%93-my-life/"><span style="color: blue;">“King Kong”</span></a> tat. Whatever man, the record was 99¢. Nonshoutout to me for not picking up <i>Walking with a Panther</i> from the same bin, though. <i>Oh, I'm sure I'll see it again</i>, I think to myself all the time in these situations, because I'm an idiot. I <i>do </i>see it again - but it's not until a year or two later. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">The MC5, <i>High Time</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Atlantic, 1971)</span><span style="font-size: large;">.</span><b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Danny Brown knows and speaks highly of one third of the Belleville Three (Juan Atkins), and this pleases me. I feel like musical persons from the same part of Earth should support each other, except for the case in which it's me and the person I'm supposed to support for geographic reasons is Game. Apparently, just being <a href="http://www.thefader.com/2011/02/01/the-game-purp-and-patron-the-hangover-mixtape/"><span style="color: blue;">tall and foxy and raspy-voiced</span></a> is enough to get the Fader to post your mixtape, so I should be listening to Mr. Blonde's banger right now instead of here with all of you. (<i>Are You Gonna Bark All Day, Little Doggie, or Are You Gonna Bite</i>, it's called. Produced by Skywlkr except for Jake One on tracks 6 and 10). Getting back to Detroit, though - no bad punk rock, and no corny rappers! None! Right? I mean, Royce is ridiculous sometimes, but if I were from Michigan I'd sock you with the strength of Ndamukong Suh's cleated foot if you talk bad about Royce. Loyalty, bruh. Then I'd swaggeringly be gone in the night wearing my baggy shorts, like those hoodlums the Fab Five. Anyway, the Motor fucking City 5 got some <a href="http://t.co/tBAHnHvl"><span style="color: blue;">Dopehead</span></a> support, and this pleased me too (I smiled and said <i>Awww</i>). Now all I need is Danny to drop <a href="http://makemyday.free.fr/kotj.htm"><i style="color: blue;">I Done Kicked 'Em Out</i></a> (his next mixtape) for the circle to be complete. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The record was produced by Geoffrey Haslam, who also produced Eddie Harris' <i>Bad Luck is All I Have</i> and <i>I Need Some Money</i>, album titles which reveal that Eddie "Rugged Schleprock" Harris is the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXkwN4q2cBU"><span style="color: blue;">Sean P</span></a> of midcentury hard bop. (He has the alternate nickname Eddie <a href="http://www.rhino.com/sites/default/files/productshots/081227683962_xl_digital.png"><span style="color: blue;">"The Reason Why I'm Talking Shit"</span></a> Harris, which was <i>not </i>produced by Haslam but is no less Sean P-ish in title). <i>High Time</i> was recorded at Artie Fields Studios in Detroit, where 2 years later the Ohio Players would record <i>Pleasure</i>, making the studio a brick-and-mortar embodiment of a Danny Brown song - Detroit, sexual pleasure, bass, a song called "Miss X" (Ohio Players), and a song called "Laid It" (MC5), on an album called, no less, <i>High Time</i>. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYGY4MoGVL2mUVT2fKDlp7fYr9OCnwiG_cm0gS6cNimqJ7QM16tvmvJvIYyDIPLHX5WUPAA8TkIEZTAnVFhKGXH8BMGl1XAkNW5TlrtfWmn8nHwyB5Gax9Pa7IWlxkv3mZ0-rd8oPMZhSH/s1600/david+banner+black+snake+moan.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="424px" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYGY4MoGVL2mUVT2fKDlp7fYr9OCnwiG_cm0gS6cNimqJ7QM16tvmvJvIYyDIPLHX5WUPAA8TkIEZTAnVFhKGXH8BMGl1XAkNW5TlrtfWmn8nHwyB5Gax9Pa7IWlxkv3mZ0-rd8oPMZhSH/s640/david+banner+black+snake+moan.jpg" width="640px" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><b>Dave and me, bout to eat some cookies and play a spirited round of Yahtzee.</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">David Banner, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ6xUNpEyXk"><span style="color: blue;">“Like a Pimp”</span></a> 12” </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(SRC/Universal, 2003).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">You ready for this? You sure? Because it appears that you are not. Listen, there are people in my face, damn near every day, askin a million questions like <i>Logan where you stay</i>. But when this comes on, meet me down at the local dancefloor because, sweetie pie, it's goin down. Chad Butler's voice on the hook (“Take It Off”), the very same Chad Butler to whom one Daniel Brown pays tribute, flow-wise, in “I Will,” is what gets me out of my dress, but he's gone and my affection for him can only go so far in the living world that I still inhabit. Therefore: <i>Banner for President</i>, the bumper sticker on my Prius says. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">There are rules regarding dignity in lyrics. With the exception of the hit 1996 song "My Boo" by Ghostdown DJs, for example, the term <i>freak me, boy</i> should never be said out loud by a grown woman. Nobody but Schoolboy Q can get away with the string of words "raining in her cervix," which is oddly sexy because I'm a weirdo. And unless it's a song by David Banner, a song addressing a lady self-loving on the dance floor should never happen. Lavell, you got it. If your game is on, gimme a call. Don't try to cage me in an attempt to convince yourself you're ready to settle down with a lady with a master's degree, though. I'm not Captain Save-A-Rapper, you feel me.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Banner for President, mostly for the fundraising parties that I'd totally come to, not least because I suspect it has an open bar and he'd ask for donations to Heal the Hood at the door, thereby combining my two loves of charity and getting tunrt up. What the hell possessed him to do that “Air Force Ones” remix, though, is a mystery that I shall never figure out. It is the darkest of secrets, like what lies in the sludge of the Mississippi River's bottom. Remember the original, though? A terrific song about a thing I do not fucking care about (men's shoes). </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“You go to Tougaloo, but I know you still flip” is the most accurate and succinct description of every post-feminist young woman in this country I believe I have heard yet. This song’s an ass-friendly, bass-y criticism of our collective tendency to think in stupid, overly simplified binaries ("college degree to use for one's future career x acting out sexually? IMPOSSIBLE" - America), <i>plus </i>it's 9 years old but has gathered no dust. Running trains, bad table manners, <i>shake something, bitch</i>, HA DAVID I DON’T THINK SO, NICE TRY, BUDDY. The seductive power of melody coupled with words that rhyme in a steezy cadence over said melody makes me believe it as truth, until I catch myself and remember the seduction is necessary for capitalism to flourish but the words behind the seduction might not be the most genuine. David Ruffin says beauty’s only skin deep, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PU1PEA8S6M"><span style="color: blue;">promises he’ll take a sweet girl over a pretty girl</span></a> any day, and then he brings hot piece Tami Terrell to the Motown Picnic to show her off. And the dude rapping about pourin it up, not giving a fuck, and girls’ mouths doing him and his friends favors might actually have a master’s degree and do charity work, just like the schoolteacheresque girl behind you in line at Trader Joe’s might have been listening to “Like a Pimp” in the car on her way to Trader Joe’s. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Eddie Kendricks, <i>Vintage '78</i> </span></b><span style="font-size: large;">(Arista, 1978).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In planning another record-store-conquest trip - this time to the deep American south, because I want to feel even closer than ever to Banner now that "Like a Pimp" is in my head - RoadsideAmerica.com directs me to Birmingham and what they refer to as a <a href="http://www.roadsideamerica.com/story/24912"><b style="color: blue;">"goofy statue of Eddie Kendricks,"</b></a> which offends me down to my bones. The word <i>goofy </i>in describing <i>anything </i>Kendricksian upsets me. It's undignified. (I take the reputations of musical men whom I do not know very verrrry seriously.) If you're not as sensitive as me and you're able to continue your search for record stores in Tennessee and Alabama, I recommend the <i>Let's Go</i> guidebook series. I want you to be happy, so here's a treat: when you type <i>let's go</i> into the Amazon search box, Trick Daddy comes up as the #2 result! (Accidental joy is the sweetest kind of joy.) I hope to return from the trip with my hatred for SEC football teams intact and a picture of myself <a href="http://www.dpchallenge.com/image.php?IMAGE_ID=912963"><span style="color: blue;">hugging up on Eddie</span></a>. The statue. In a highly dignified fashion. I mean, I'll probably wrap one leg around him like he's the pole at Magic City, but then I'll make a big, dignified donation to the <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/1992/10/07/obituaries/eddie-kendricks-52-sang-with-the-temptations.html"><span style="color: blue;">American Cancer Society</span></a> to counteract my childish behavior. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Wiki says Eddie left Motown in 1978, with the requirement of signing away the rights to his royalties, which saddens me because 1) what the fuck, that's missed-out-on boatloads of cash from baby boomer movie soundtracks alone, and 2) what the fuck, why had I not heard this before since I am a Temps obsessor, real fucking talk. But then, De Passe Entertainment, all rights reserved, alleges that Eddie did coke with David Ruffin in a key scene from that late-'90s Temps TV movie and I don't think I can really trust that source, either. The album was produced by Jeff Lane of B.T. Express fame, AKA Jeff Lane of “Do It ('Til You're Satisfied)” fame, AKA Jeff Lane of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OrwZICTcic"><span style="color: blue;">“Jeff Lane, Logan Is Eternally Grateful to You”</span></a> fame. But <i>Vintage '78</i> won't get a ton of play in apt. 680; it's mostly mid-tempo and boring. “One of the Poorest People" is about being rich and really sad, song-subject territory that Drake has taken to soaring new heights. Otherwise, the album is <i>I'm in love; I love you; Do you love me; I'm a fool because I love you.</i> Eddie was in his late 30s when this came out, and that's a tricky time for an R&B god, I suppose, unless you're one Robert Sylvester Kelly from Chicago, IL, who is not bound by age and who will be sexy R&B Jesus forever and ever amen. But <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-bE-nP6tyg"><span style="color: blue;">"How's Your Love Life Baby"</span></a> is a pretty opener, sparkly and melodic with sad lyrics, like this band the Smiths that your older cousin taught you about. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: large;">The Best of Tommy James & the Shondells </span></b></i><span style="font-size: large;">(Roulette, 1969).</span><i><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The world of straight men is generally not a mystery to me. I mean, I got thrown off a little last week, when I discovered that 1) Kyrie Irving is <i>Australian </i>(????), and 2) everybody think Chris Bosh is gay. I watch a fair amount of NBA and these key nuggets somehow escaped me. I felt a little left out of the boys' club. Otherwise, though, I'm pretty clear about hetero-masculine needs and desires, which are generally those of straight women except we get paid less than you do while at work and we say <i>Awww </i>more often and we can give life with our curvy, sexy bodies. I think I know a little bit about straight men. And "Crimson and Clover" - the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpGEeneO-t0"><span style="color: blue;">sound of a straight man's brain while he is looking at a pretty woman</span></a> - is a lot of the reason why. Are there any other songs on this album? I do not know. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">January 1969 - Super Bowl III, Namath waving the finger. Number One. <i>Number Onnnnnnnne</i>. The Beatles' concert on the roof, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e5g8wXE__Y"><span style="color: blue;">Billy Preston's key stabs</span></a> stealing the show. “Crimson” was the top-selling song, bookended on the charts by “I Heard it Through the Grapevine” and “Everyday People.” If I were around back then and I had just bought the “Crimson” 45 and invited you over to listen, I'd totally say <i>Trust me, you guys. You want to be high for this</i> as I'm bringing the tonearm over to the little black round spinning disc. Roulette, by the way, was supposedly a front business for the Genovese crime family, which makes the label that Tommy James recorded for significantly more interesting than the one that is currently home to Rick Ross. Roulette, self-made. MMG's just affiliated. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Meat Puppets, <i>Meat Puppets II</i> </b>(SST, 1984).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The only people I want talking to me about Jesus Christ are Prince and Stevie Wonder, thank you, so keep your auntie off my doorstep. The only people I want talking to me about hell are <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lblH10lLkD8"><span style="color: blue;">James Brown</span></a> and Cobain, even if Cobain's words about a lake of fire are <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRaZWK_MwHY"><span style="color: blue;">not his own</span></a> and are those of the brothers Kirkwood, Cris and Curt (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=focxp_y0_IE"><span style="color: blue;">blue & red shirt, and plaid shirt</span></a>, respectively). It just felt right to add this to my stack that day at the record store, even though it won't exactly compete with Black Ivory for time on my hi-fi (it's Larry Blackmon Week in apt. 680). I had Nirvana on the brain because of those <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HNP94fsfLo"><span style="color: blue;">Little Roy</span></a> covers. Plus you can't go wrong with supporting anything on SST Records, which Rollins will talk your ear off about during his radio show when you're driving back to LA from your mom's house. Then he'll regale you with his memories about the time he and Darryl Jenifer dared Mike Watt to <b><i>not </i></b>wear a plaid shirt that time in Tallahasee and it turned into a big mess of misinterpreted jokes and hurt feelings. But then Rollins'll play <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVG9m9Qm6Pc&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">“Hot Pants Road”</span></a> later in his set and you'll think <i>Aw, this guy's not so bad</i>. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Thee Oh Sees, <i>Carrion Crawler/The Dream</i> EP</span></b><span style="font-size: large;"> (In the Red, 2011).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“Dedicated to the memory of Jay Reatard, Jerry Fuchs and Gerard Smith,” says the sleeve. I have no idea of any of these men were good people. But just like how <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/in-sports-theres-no-faking-leadership/2011/11/30/gIQAnoksGO_story.html"><span style="color: blue;">I don't watch football for the purpose of seeing men "being good people"</span></a> (I watch it for the pleasure of well-executed drives, completed passes, sacks, punt-fakes, Jacoby Ford, Mike Tomlin's Omar Epps face, and Polamalu's hair), I don't listen to music to hear somebody being a good person. 83% of my records would have to be thrown out if this were the case. <i>Yes, even you, Sade. </i>I'm looking at you, mama. <br />
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Where do bad folks go when they die? Tebow will give you one answer; I'll give you quite another, plus I have a Prius and an apartment stuffed with records and I do not fear female power or sexuality so I'm way more fun to be around than Tebow. I walked into Permanent with this one on my list, found it, and in a sign that I was doing the right thing, the store owners played it (LOUDLY). <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC4WXIQzjmc"><span style="color: blue;">“Chem-Farmer”</span></a> was a real pleasure as I walked around adding vinyl to my arms, probably with an extra little swing in my hips. One Eyed Fat Girl Publishing is behind the record and this only sealed the deal for me since the name is so very RA-the-Rugged-Man-esque. RA had that imprint for a week and then shelved it, remember? Oh wait no, that was One Eyed Fat Slut publishing.</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><a href="http://permanentrecordschicago.com/news.php"><i><b>Permanent Records</b></i></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>1583 Colorado Blvd</b></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b>Los Angeles, CA 90041</b></i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span></b> Adorable store kitty! They play music LOUD, like your weed. Nice proprietors <strike>who'll give you</strike> who gave me a free bag - maybe because I spent lots of money, but more than likely because I am charming and people just like to lace me wherever I go.</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><br />
</i></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</b> No pancakes. No sightings of older-man-fetish object Michael Madsen. </i></div><br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-79456724811165959612012-01-05T05:25:00.000-08:002012-01-15T16:43:20.246-08:00Now I ain't sayin she a record digger.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUGYcQYeOGdkXUI7QrTecBxkS-9dIe8SeU9lGUV-iS1qkubU3DvYXhYRCUNlIgV5G2vuyyrB4xvr16RzwqIqjszlc-an8GsrxZpKmYFprwjJyM2AUkiiI4Mqs_9BQB1V1CBfpImYpFa70/s1600/L1000046-1-601.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwUGYcQYeOGdkXUI7QrTecBxkS-9dIe8SeU9lGUV-iS1qkubU3DvYXhYRCUNlIgV5G2vuyyrB4xvr16RzwqIqjszlc-an8GsrxZpKmYFprwjJyM2AUkiiI4Mqs_9BQB1V1CBfpImYpFa70/s1600/L1000046-1-601.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>“When her hands hunted out these beautiful new sounds, it was the best feeling she had ever known.” </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
– Carson McCullers, <i>The Heart is a Lonely Hunter</i></div><i><i><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Hi! It's me in my sassy glasses. Email marriage proposals to heightfiveseven@gmail, but only if you are signed to a major. </b></div><br />
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<i>Digging's a dumb name for it</i>, a dude said to me in an email exchange last week.<br />
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This prompted a "NUH-UH" from me because I'm set in my ways and don't like to be challenged, ever. Then I realized that what he said is true. We just take it as fact that <i>digging </i>should be the name for it since that's what our great-great-grandparents called it in the old country, but NO LONGER, you guys. Henceforth, I'm not a Digger! I'm a Paycheck-Spender, definitely, but that's not very catchy. I'm a Jump-Up-and-Down-er when I find something good, maybe? (also not catchy). An Enthusiast? A Celebrator of Random Dumb Luck, yes, definitely, when I find that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ok0H2CDnKV4"><span style="color: blue;">Jaggerz record</span></a> with the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2rKVANZBVo"><span style="color: blue;">Curren$y break</span></a> (this has not yet happened. I'm pretending it has happened, putting it out there as a way of tricking the universe into making sure it happens). And I attribute all of my random dumb luck at the last Beat Swap Meet in LA to the fact that I established only three rules for myself: <b>1)</b> SPEND ALL THE MONEY YOU WANT, DOLLFACE; LIFE'S SHORT,<b> 2)</b> Take your list of Want-To-Finds and Must-Finds (compiled from scraps of paper in my purse and half the pages in my tiny Moleskine), and <b>3)</b> Look cute, but wear something comfy in a fabric with plenty of stretch (suitable for reaching, hunching over, walking table to table, carrying a stack under my arm). A white cotton T attracts <i>so much</i> record dander, but it's nothing bleach can't fix. And my hair! It looked pretty - if I may be corny for a moment - thanks to Moroccan oil, a thing that makes my unruly Celtic hair smooth and shiny. You can get it at any beauty supply store, it's nothing special, but the name “Moroccan oil” sounds rare and fancy, mostly because all things Morocco- and middle-east-related have exotic cache, like my good friend Jay Elect knows. (“Egypt, Egypt” – the Egyptian Lover; “Egypt, blah blah, I'm here to save you all, I'm destined to blow, my ancestors sent messages telling me so, Egypt, Egyptians...” - Jay Elect, every tenth bar.) <br />
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My haul from the day is described in loving detail below, along with the award(s) each record earned. Ah, and points for not going along with me blindly, young man in my story to open this post, just because you maybe want to see me out my jeans. Digging <i>is</i> a dumb name for it.<br />
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</i></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Ramsey Lewis, <i>Solar Wind</i></b></span> (Columbia, 1974)<br />
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I'm pretty sure Ramsey himself did his own gear styling for the cover, the theme of which is “<i>Mod Squad</i> detective who also does security for James Brown during the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jC2ZY2loo74&feature=related"><i style="color: blue;">Black Caesar</i></a> recording sessions.” The <i>contents </i>of the album, however, were lovingly overseen by Epic White Man, Stax capo, “In the Midnight Hour” writer, Logan-Walking-Down-the-Street-in-Some-Little-Ho-Shorts anthem <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq5NhAL1RQk"><span style="color: blue;">“99 and a Half Just Won't Do”</span></a> producer, godlike individual with god status, the GOD, <b>Steve Cropper</b>, so <i>Solar Wind</i> was therefore a good purchase and a solid addition to apt. 680 - though it's not nearly as good as Ramsey's <i>Sun Goddess</i>, I'm sorry to say. That's because <i>Solar Wind</i> doesn't contain the <i>song</i> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np_1D1VTz4o"><span style="color: blue;">“Sun Goddess,”</span></a> produced by Maurice White of Earth Wind & Fire - a production truth that is <i>so obvious</i> once you've found it out and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=np_1D1VTz4o"><span style="color: blue;">listen to the song again</span></a>. It's just got that controlled/chaotic EWF sound that comes from knowing how to wrangle <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8gVXgE48w0&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">57 band members</span></a> - and, in later years, it was loved so hard by Ant Banks that he laid it over a fun, slappy beat and then <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dI3u69_lN0"><span style="color: blue;">gave it to his friend to rap over</span></a> (and even added an R&B hook that's corny yet enjoyable). Maurice White is terrific but Maurice will never be the god that Steve is, since not only is Steve part <a href="http://performingsongwriter.com/steve-cropper-sittin-dock-bay/"><span style="color: blue;">lion</span></a>, he's also a god, he<i> is</i>, and I know I use that term for every decent non-rap musician over age 50 and for rappers who were either in KMD or CoFlow at one point, or in OutKast currently, or named Danny Brown currently, but a god is a god and goddammit if I'm not going to use my little corner of the Internet to praise a god.<br />
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An actual deity, here on Earth, Steve had some production skills that would really do some <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV1jufIUzk"><span style="color: blue;">fantastic work to your ears/heart</span></a> even if the Stax studio on McLemore didn’t have that sloping floor<span style="color: magenta;">*</span> that made everything sound clear and huge, with just enough bass to convince you to take your pants off. (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQEK7C0YLw0"><span style="color: blue;">“If you ain't claiming McLemore,”</span></a> goes one of my life mottoes, “fuck y'all hoes.”) If I were from Memphis, I'd get wet-eyed over all things Stax, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMjMwp50UIc&feature=related"><i style="color: blue;">Comin' Out Hard</i></a> comin out hard of any vehicle (<a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/logan_melissa/media/slideshow?url=pic.twitter.com%2FJRzjJAxi"><span style="color: blue;">MORE808</span></a> is one of my other life mottoes), and DJay’s “Eiffel Tower/apocalypse/Tennessee/mixtapes” analogy in <i>Hustle & Flow</i> (his speech at the club to Luda!). I wouldn't get wet-eyed over last summer's super good Don Trip mixtape <i>Tennessee Accents for 57 Minutes</i>, err, 'scuse me, <a href="http://www.datpiff.com/Don-Trip-Starlito-Stepbrothers-mixtape.255304.html"><i style="color: blue;">Stepbrothers</i></a>; I just like it a lot, so I'd bang it a lot.<br />
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</i></i><span style="color: magenta;">*</span>it used to be a <a href="http://www.staxmuseum.com/about/"><span style="color: blue;">movie theater</span></a> <br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Sounds-Like-A-Blackstar-Song Title</b>, in “Jamaican Marketplace.” And, because I just typed that, Ramsey's record also provides the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Strongest Yet Most Tangential Reminder That I Need the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0jwXAwmy0Q"><span style="color: blue;">“You Already Knew”</span></a> Instrumental</b>. <br />
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Nice version of “Summer Breeze,” nice Moog, nice bass, but overall the record is a little too <i>nice </i>and not enough <i>not</i>-nice. Sure I could walk down the street to it, but I wouldn't feel very sexy. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq5NhAL1RQk"><span style="color: blue;">Wilson</span></a>, like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrUmsXYZyAA"><span style="color: blue;">Quelle & Danny</span></a> and <a href="http://rapradar.com/2012/01/01/new-music-aap-rocky-pretty-flacko/"><span style="color: blue;">Purrp</span></a>, understands my walking-down-the-street needs in a way Ramsey never will.<i><i> <br />
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</i><b><span style="font-size: large;">Ballin' Jack</span></b></i> (Columbia, 1970). <br />
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YES, humans of planet Earth. <b>Yes. </b>This some stuff that, as they say, <i>goesssssss</i><span style="color: blue;">*</span>. It's aural Viagra - the most mutually beneficial kind, because it works on your girlfriend too, who is currently busy taking her dress off; oh, there it goes, you didn't even have to talk her into it! Ballin' Jack's gutter riffs coming from the hi-fi did all the work for you.<br />
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The “Never gonna let em say that I don't loooovvvve youuuu” in the Beastie Boys' “Shadrach” was Jimi to my 15-year-old ears. I was positive about this. But I was incorrect. (Turns out I was incorrect at age 15, many times, about many things). <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Most Pretentious:</span> </b>Me at 15, such a fucking know-it-all. Then I got right during junior year, straightened myself out, did some research, and discovered Ballin' Jack, <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best <i>Paul's Boutique</i> Tie-In</b>. Ballin' Jack toured with Jimi, hence the vocal/stylistic similarities, and Ballin' Jack was from Seattle, home to longtime aural stimulator/Logan's fantasy phone-book-out-loud-reader Ish Butler, he who makes me blurt out, “Sweet Jesus, that <i>voice</i>” every time I watch <a href="http://vimeo.com/27758516"><span style="color: blue;">this</span></a>. (<i>Oh</i>, he says at the beginning, <i>I thought it was comin in hot</i>. Not even rapping at that point!, he's swoon-y just in his everyday talk! Sorry, what was I saying?)<br />
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<i>Ballin' Jack.</i> What an album. It slaps, people. Or in less E-40 speak, more Loganspeak: “You guyyyys! OH MY GOD! <b><i>SO GOOD!</i></b> It'll make you sell your Raf Simonses and next thing you know you'll be wearing some old Chucks in a busted old Camaro and picking me up so we can make out behind the bleachers!” <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Biggest Failure:</span></b> ME, for not having owned <i>Ballin' Jack</i> already. <span style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="color: black;">The record also wins</span> </span><b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Cover Font</b>; just like everything out of Wiz's mouth sounds like it should be in Comic Sans, every guitar part on this record sounds like a weed/sex/fight riff due to the use of the PreMetallica Jagged Serif typeface (72 pt.) on the cover. Thanks to frontman Luther Rabb, this one also gets <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Best Appearance in Today's Haul by a Singing Bassist.</span></b> There's Lemmy, Bootsy, Geddy Lee, Phil Lynott; these are the greats. Rabb's not one of the greats, but he's a member of the club.<i><i><br />
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The group’s name also provides the <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Best Title of a UGK Song That Never Was.</span></b> It’s track 10 on a Bandcamp-only album that's too secret for me to share and anyway the link's expired, and it's about cars of course. Chad starts to sound really irritated around the end of his first verse, because he's tired of dealing with this bullshit and he just wants to live, can he fucking LIVE goddammit and take care of his lady and his business, and the hook goes <b>“Got new shoes for <a href="http://www.kyosho.com/blog/diecast_usa/log/image/img09060025_2.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">my baby</span></a> ‘cause I’m ballin, Jack.”</b> <i><i></i></i><br />
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</i></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Logan's Run</i> soundtrack (Jerry Goldsmith)</b></span> (MGM/Polydor, 1976)<br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most <i>Throne</i>-Sounding Song Titles: </b>“Flameout,” “The Truth,” “End of the City,” “The Monument.” <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most E-40-Sounding Song Titles:</b> “On the Circuit,” “Intensive Care.”<br />
<b style="color: #cc0000;">Song That is, Shockingly, Not About Oral Sex or the NFL: </b>“The Dome.”<br />
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We'll all enjoy ourselves in the future, <i>Logan's Run</i> says. Take me there, someone! Take me, even though the future evidently sounds like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9a_lOcavDwI"><span style="color: blue;">big stupid crescendos and cheesy flutes</span></a>, the way old-timey movie-music people predicted the future would sound. How sad that they had no idea drum machines could make snares sound so warm, nicely exemplified in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91kaFxBoTno"><span style="color: blue;">this song</span></a> with a <i>Logan's Run</i> mention (<i>We ain't jokin/For security we on this run like Logan/Kamaal's doin the hustle/And you backstage voguin</i>), produced by The Ummah, a wonderful musical-collective gift from the universe that I wish was still here because I'm in love with the past. I still wanna go to the future, though - it's sexy and streamlined! The thing is, because it is so alluring and perfect, we're not long for it. Sexyfuture is just a tease; beware. <i>Logan's Run</i> takes place in a “hermetically sealed post-apocalyptic pleasuredome,” where humans don't really need to work and they're free to pursue all of the pleasures of life, just like the rap game circa 2011. Eating and drinking aren't necessary, and when they feel like sex they just use a teleporting device to make it happen (just like what Twitter is to rappers, 2009 - present). The only catch in this idyllic existence is that <b>nobody's allowed to live more than 30 years</b> - just like the rap game - with the corresponding downside being that future life partner Danny Brown would be forced to become a Runner in order to escape the fate of being killed at 30. The <i>upside </i>is that I would then willingly become a Runner, because <i>what fun is a world</i> without Danny Brown to describe getting rich/sad/triumphant/fucked-up in it?<i><i><br />
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</i></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>George Duke, <i>Liberated Fantasies</i></b></span> (MPS, 1976)<br />
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COME THE FUCK ON. <b style="color: #cc0000;">BEST NECKLACE</b>, obviouslyyyy. <b style="color: #cc0000;"> </b><br />
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<b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Prince-ish Credit:</b> “Amanda B. Reckondwith on vocals.” (Real name: Janet Ferguson.) Next I suppose you're going to try and convince me that <a href="http://api.ning.com/files/nZXfLD2-U3JpXgrIruvc85izlP8dXA7qbWKQVQpI4MCjW*dO6aeoVtd58HFBtccb26exqkCy8GoGyEafhSOlqu9vlvv4lKed/Prince_And_Vanity_COOL_1983.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Vanity</span></a> wasn't that sexy lady's real name-? (Real name: Denise Matthews).<br />
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It's George on keys on this one, George on the mic, George's smiling face and big beautiful cloud of hair. <i>Liberated Fantasies </i>was put out by the dopely-named German jazz label MPS - <i>Musik Produktion Schwarzwald</i> (“Music Production Black Forest”). MPS was the label responsible for Hans Koller-Wolfgang Dauner's classic, claaaaaaaasic banger <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pzt_57Yc6ng"><span style="color: blue;">Kunstkopfindianer</span></a> </i>in 1974. Mannnn, we sure made some sweet '70s love to that one, remember? I think there was some lager and strudel involved too, and you insisted I wear a Heidi costume, because you said <i>C'mon baby, why not</i>, being the big ol freak that you are.<br />
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Thanks to that cover: <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Smile</b>. Artwork and photography by Cal Schenkel, a person who managed to overcome the name<i> Cal Schenkel</i> and make a living designing covers by the Mothers of Invention and Zappa (solo), <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjspetqa3IgrOoTfKDT7z37Nhx7AkH7eIceOhRC5vURNlNcyycDktbS-QBqN1oBsNXYSCAiGJ1WGOMQJbBDwXQAqN86R3safgWoGkA9jZ7MuFGpMaZFnEPCkgYXoftXveLTwqFEpTC9h-8T/s1600/Trout+Mask+Replica+Cover.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Captain Beefheart</span></a>, Tim Buckley. Cal is also responsible for THIS source of childhood nightmares for a young Logan flipping through her dad's records on the living room floor:<i><i></i></i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCb8ZEBtoZ9fGzUyBHVqQHC9Rmv-SzP6RhOeFmdSR0EH0hrnYVxTJ9anJ9QNyIHttfQvEZ9FzfmUHVdLXPRG7G4KGMlbxYNZTBh_w1640aaw2py27lQP5z_z8azf7sRC9lV7L8DtIPRRmz/s1600/george+duke+billy+cobham-550.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCb8ZEBtoZ9fGzUyBHVqQHC9Rmv-SzP6RhOeFmdSR0EH0hrnYVxTJ9anJ9QNyIHttfQvEZ9FzfmUHVdLXPRG7G4KGMlbxYNZTBh_w1640aaw2py27lQP5z_z8azf7sRC9lV7L8DtIPRRmz/s1600/george+duke+billy+cobham-550.JPG" /></a></i></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">HOLD ME.</b><b> And turn on my nightlight after you tuck me in.</b></div><br />
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Christ!, the unadulterated freakiness of this thing, <i>The Persistence of Memory</i> but with keys, like something I’d see in a Red-Stripe-chased-with-Valium, passed-out-on-the-couch dream, not that I'd know anything about that! HI MOM. Even here, though, George remains a man not afraid to smile on an album cover. Unless you're George Duke or your last name is 3000/Benjamin, smiling on your album cover is a 1-way ticket to Cornballville. (I have pretty strict guidelines when it comes to masculinity, particularly for musicians. I'm trying to let some of that go in 2012. Check back with me in mid-February-?) <br />
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I can also see ?uestlove doing some sort of nod to this, except he'd put a drumstick in those fingers. Then all the blog boys would scurry about until they <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Verde-Que-Te-Quero-Rosa/dp/B00005NNV3/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1316406675&sr=8-6"><span style="color: blue;">found the source</span></a> that sparked <a href="http://www.datpiff.com/Curreny-Verde-Terrace-mixtape.262815.html"><span style="color: blue;">the new</span></a>. <i><i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqxSmCWkMqTCAPjlqAfmzmij4pps1F2-MziEts352URoWO9pJnInB7VEKUZscstWrR1B0rv4uUkRbuVpCbj1Vn_bBCs3WdQFYtKNxm2xkZJ5ISkrbC66uWm8R9HBb6xdzvCVCy8Z8nFUZf/s1600/blackbyrds+city+life-550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqxSmCWkMqTCAPjlqAfmzmij4pps1F2-MziEts352URoWO9pJnInB7VEKUZscstWrR1B0rv4uUkRbuVpCbj1Vn_bBCs3WdQFYtKNxm2xkZJ5ISkrbC66uWm8R9HBb6xdzvCVCy8Z8nFUZf/s1600/blackbyrds+city+life-550.JPG" /></a></i></i></div><i><i><br />
</i></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Blackbyrds, <i>City Life</i></b></span> (Fantasy, 1975)<br />
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<b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Biggest Ego:</span></b> Donald Byrd, for creating and naming the group after his damn self in the early '70s. I guess <b>LOOK AT ME I'M SUPERTALENTED DONALD BYRD I'M THE BEST</b> would've been too ridiculous a name for a band.<br />
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Right now the world and my computer are both obsessed with the drawling-outta-control A$AP crew, based in New York and led by the prettiest member, Rocky (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgAsTLmdDk0"><span style="color: blue;">A$AP's just his nick-</span><i style="color: blue;">naaaaame</i></a>). Rocky was named after Rakim, who I'm told was a rapper based in New York. Rocky, then, is a cutesy shortened version of Rakim, like people who shorten <i>Logan </i>to <i>Logey</i>. Logey, in turn, enjoys turning DOOM into the cute “Doomsy” - which reminds me, why are we not all listening to <a href="http://pitchfork.com/news/44919-listen-new-track-from-doom-remixed-by-tv-on-the-radios-dave-sitek/"><span style="color: blue;">THISSSSSS</span></a> right now. <i>City Life</i> has the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most A$AP Rockyish Song Titles</b> - like Rocky's, the Blackbyrds' are 2- and 3-word combos that tell you exactly what the song is about, no games or fancy language - “Purple Swag,” (Rocky)/“Hash and Eggs” (Blackbyrds). “Get High” (Rocky)/“Flying High” (Blackbyrds). “Uptown” (Rocky)/“City Life” (Blackbyrds). This one also gets the <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Label with the Freshest Backstory</span></b> award, since Fantasy started in SF as an actual record-pressing plant, then morphed into a label. They named it Fantasy after a sci-fi novel, getting the Murs stamp of approval in so doing, and were the first label to record and produce Lenny Bruce on vinyl, thereby getting my parents' stamp of approval. Fantasy merged with Concord Records - named for the East Bay city, back before the East Bay was known for Al Davis, 808, trunk tapes, and, circa 2011, a tiny Caucasian lady and her troupe of annoying, shit-talking friends who go crazy with the cat-eye liquid liner. Their existence is upsetting, both because 1) they are real live humans and not some nightmare from that time I passed out on the couch (Red Stripe/Valium), and because 2) disapproval of them is something that this ladyblogger has in common with Rawsssss. (which I, in turn, disapprove of. I disapprove that I disapprove of something that he also disapproves of. The snake eats its own disapproving tail, disapprovingly.)<br />
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The Blackbyrds are probably best known for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BD6REK_LGJQ"><span style="color: blue;">“Walking in Rhythm,”</span></a> which, sure, we all know it, it’s an OK jam I suppose, slightly dullsville if you ask me. <i>This </i>album was purchased on the strength of opening jam (<b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Opening Jam</b><span style="color: black;">)</span> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZpbE6jN89g"><span style="color: blue;">“Rock Creek Park,”</span></a> about doing it both in the park <i>and </i>after dark. Oh. Yeah. And finally, there's the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Fact that Connects to a Quality MC of Today in a Tangential/Fresh Way: </b><span style="color: black;">Donald Byrd, Detroit-bred human just like my future life partner Danny Brown, went to Wayne State, in Lin<i>wood</i> (Inglewood pronunciation)</span><span style="color: black;">.</span><br />
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</i></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song</i> soundtrack</b></span> (Stax, 1971)<i><i></i></i><br />
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</i></i><b style="color: #cc0000;">Tightest Commitment to Detail:</b> Me, for making sure I put the correct number of <i>A</i>s and <i>S</i>s in <i>Baadasssss</i>. <b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Spirited Handclaps:</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nSVzSmcsF4"><span style="color: blue;">“Won't Bleed Me.”</span></a> <br />
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<i>Sweet Sweetback</i> is a tale of hoes and cops and a well-endowed black man who uses his penis to convince ladies to doing things for him (way to go, Melvin Van Peebles, just crushing those stereotypes), and its soundtrack was written by the same man who wrote the movie, then directed the movie, and got Earth, Wind & Fire to perform the songs on the soundtrack, <i>which</i>, by the way, <i>he wrote and composed</i>. And <i>then,</i> in his free time, he decided to cast the most appropriate, handsomest, most well-endowedest gentleman he could find in the lead role: himself. LOL, Melvin. L.O.L., buddy. Because we're talking about the moving pictures industry, this walk through history would not be complete without some double-talk and shady business: <b>Bill Cosby put up the key funds to allow this film to be completed.</b> You might recognize Bill from introducing his kids to Stevie Wonder and Lena Horne on those reruns on your TV, and also for Chris Wallace wearing his sweaters.<i> I, </i>however<i>,</i> recognize Bill as that cranky guy on CNN, <b>criticizing rap music for being violent and sexy</b>. Or, wait - do I recognize Bill as the onetime movie producer who helped bankroll <b>a movie about a fellow with a large penis who uses it to sex up ladies when he's not beating dudes' faces?</b> GOSH I'M CONFUSED. <br />
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Anyway, the soundtrack is amazing, filled with snippets that show up on Doom records years later, and it was produced by something called Yeah Inc, a dumb name that is still less dumb than the production names Boi 1-da and AraaaaabMuziaaaaiaiaiakkckck<i>.</i> (Ha, I also just found out the producer of that horrible “Rack City” thing that I secretly sing along with in my car is a grown man who thought it would be appropriate to call himself “DJ Mustard.”) <i><i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Leon Ware</b></span></i></i></i> (Elektra, 1982)<br />
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Sorry to keep you waiting so long, ladies. Here's <strike><a href="http://cdn.thefader.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/TL-EP_FINAL-620x620.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Theophilus</span></a></strike> Leon. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EL2G8wLRmAo"><span style="color: blue;">“Can I Touch You There,”</span></a> he wants to know, in a moment of curiosity that's more about the question than the answer, just like Marvin's “When Did You Stop Loving Me, When Did I Stop Loving You,” Curren$y's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dg2CPPHS8F0"><span style="color: blue;">“What's What,”</span></a> Nore's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyaWGbtH84Q"><span style="color: blue;">“What what what what what-what WH-WHAT,”</span></a> and my personal composition “When Exactly Did Common Become Corny?, Like When Was the Precise Moment During the Earth's Cycle Around the Sun? I'm Having Trouble Pinpointing It but I'd Like to Know for Personal-History Reasons.”<br />
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Regarding the undeniable sex vibrating from that cover photo, all I can muster is a “Leon, what happened to my lacy underthings? They were here a second ago.” Aw Leon, congrats on having the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best 'I Have a Brass Waterbed I Wanna Show It To You Here's Some Zinfandel, Pretty Lady' Face.</b><span style="color: black;"> It's your lust-face that makes me forget you were once capable of innocence in lyrical content and chord progression, like when you wrote </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GLaODfMqn4"><span style="color: blue;">“I Wanna Be Where You Are."</span></a> (I really <i>really </i>want to make this entire post about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GLaODfMqn4"><span style="color: blue;">“I Wanna Be Where You Are.”</span></a> Trying to show restraint here. I mean, Jesus, what a SONNNNG.)<br />
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No breaks on this one, but lots of Rhodes, plus a song called “Deeper Than Love,” which I like to think of as a <a href="http://www.districtlines.com/designs/9953/deeperthanrap_new_mock_screen.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">“fuck off, Rawss”</span></a> that was just delayed 30 years. Sadly, there's also a corny, not-good song called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwRp3CkJpGc"><span style="color: blue;">“Why I Came to California,”</span></a> which, because it is by a heterosexual '70s man, is of course about paradise being real, hillsides and deserts, dreams coming true, watching pretty girls at Zuma Beach, lalala, good grief, gimme something new, Leon! It's got THE GOD James <strike>God's son</strike> Gadson on drums, though, so slam-dunk, Leon. Purchasing your record was an excellent decision on my part. Now you and your '70s sexface live in apt. 680 with me - in vinyl form, anyway. Maybe you think my place is paradise, maybe you think I'm pretty; maybe not. Either way, Zuma's overrated and I'll buy anything with your name on it, Mr. Ware, due to your god status for envisioning <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWwHN3V8cYU"><span style="color: blue;">I Want You</span></a></i>, conjuring it up, convincing Marvin, daydreaming about it, composing it, sweating it out, and wrestling with that bitch until it came to be. This album also has the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Cover With Old-School Weekend Ties</b>, as Bobby Holland was the photographer - Holland did covers for Rose Royce, the Gap Band, DeBarge, and A Taste of Honey, which, in my brain, elicits a <i>Hey LA fam, keep it locked to <a href="http://www.hot923.com/iplaylist/playlist.html"><span style="color: blue;">92.3, old school and today's R&B!</span></a> We're taking the 25th caller right now for these tickets to see Keith Sweat at The Pond! After the break, comin back with some MJ, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GLaODfMqn4"><span style="color: blue;">“I Wanna Be Where You Are,”</span></a> requested by a caller named Logan!</i><br />
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<div style="color: #cc0000;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Fucking Fact Outta This Whole Haul:</b> <span style="color: black;">Leon Ware did the </span><i style="color: black;">Deep Throat</i><span style="color: black;"> soundtrack -??? - !! - which </span><i style="color: black;">had </i><span style="color: black;">been one of the world's great mysteries prior to an Internet search by Logan, circa Dec. 16, 2011. German 45s on eBay (viewed in super-tight zoom on my laptop's screen) say Leon and a lyricist named Bob Hilliard did the music. It makes sense, groove-wise, when you listen. It's got that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qg6mlU3ZZ_Y"><span style="color: blue;">Leon feel</span></a>, even though it sounds like Leon used </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52m7cLFtFjE" style="color: blue;">2 soup cans and a toy piano to compose</a><span style="color: black;">. Leon's also from Detroit, so of course I love him, but I'll never know why Leon doesn't shout it from the rooftops that he did the </span><i style="color: black;">Deep Throat</i><span style="color: black;"> music. This is illogical, like using the name AraabMUZIK professionally when your given name is the much-doper </span><b style="color: black;"><i>Abraham Orellana</i></b><span style="color: black;">. </span><i><i><br style="color: black;" /><span style="color: black;"></span><span style="color: black;"></span></i></i><br />
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</i></i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Dexter Wansel, <i>Life On Mars</i></b></span> (Philadelphia International, 1976)<i><i></i></i><br />
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</i></i>Del, Madlib, Sun Ra, Kool Keith, Ayers, Monk, everyone on Ninja Tune in the '90s, most dudes on Warp the next decade, all members of Parliament and Funkadelic and Parliament Funkadelic, Stevie Wonder, Zappa, and sure,what the hell, Bowie and Syd Barrett and Brian Wilson too; Dex Wansel is the latest in a long line of Space-Travelers sitting shoulder-to-shoulder in my record collection, along with '70s singer/songwriters and the most skilled of all dead rappers. A crying shame that this wasn't in apt. 680 before, I snatched it up at the swap meet based on its rap production pedigree<b style="color: red;">*</b> as well as my red-hot embarrassment at not owning it already.<br />
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Side A, track 1: “A Prophet Named <b>K.G.</b>,” which is, sadly, not about the <a href="http://i.cnn.net/si/si_online/covers/images/1995/0626_large.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Celtics' forward</span></a> or Naughty By Nature's <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/scut36/5722281617/in/faves-lukedixonart/"><span style="color: blue;">quietest member</span></a>. It does, however, provide the <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best <span style="color: blue;">K</span>enneth <span style="color: blue;">G</span>amble Nod in Song Title Form.</b> I like to be reminded of Gamble & Huff, which, along with being a super production duo, also happen to be my two most favorite activities while in Vegas, HEY-O. The other song titles are fresh and cosmic - “Stargazer,” “One Million Miles from the Ground,” and <b style="color: red;">*</b>“Theme from the Planets” being the standouts. I have dreams of interplanetary travel too, Dex! Escapism! <b style="color: #cc0000;">Obsolete credit:</b> “ARP by Dexter Wansel” (along with keys, synth, and lead vocals). <a href="http://www.arpodyssey.com/Odyssey.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">ARP</span></a> built good products, Google tells me, and they sold well; “the major problems that developed in the company were due less to design flaws than to corporate mismanagement.” So it was like that whole Rawkus thing. <i><i><br />
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</i></i></i><b><span style="font-size: large;">Gabor Szabo, </span></b><i><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Magical Connection</i></span></b> (Blue Thumb, 1972)</i><br />
This one's actually <i>not </i>an album in tribute to the unstoppable love that Stringer Bell and I will always share (in my head). Our connection truly is a <b>magical </b>one (in my head). Sigh. “Logan Bell. Mrs. Bell. Mr. and Mrs. Stringer Bell.” Still, I purchased the record based on the fact that you can't really go wrong with Mr. Szabo, there's someone named “Lynn Blessing” on vibraphone, and because of that cover, designed by Tom Wilkes (Safe As Milk, Harvest, All Things Must Pass). <span style="color: black;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Actual Song Title: “Love Theme from Spartacus.”</b> I mean, what. (I have no idea). Additionally, this one earns the honor of having the </span><b style="color: #cc0000;">Most Esoteric LA Connection</b>. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBc_AoshnuI"><span style="color: blue;">“Sombrero Sam”</span></a> was used by Mumbles Fowler on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HZLbfvLhVY"><span style="color: blue;">“The Hunt”</span></a> by Acey, who remains the only dude in LA who doesn't look ridiculous in a fedora. Fowler then <a href="http://www.prefixmag.com/reviews/mumbles/transformationsilluminations/16222/"><span style="color: blue;">rode off into the Indian sunset</span></a>, where he is, if not fully ascetic at this point, almost fully converted to the monastic life. Meanwhile, I'm still here living the hedonistic life, taking trips to Vegas, Gambling and Huffing. <i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><i><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1IYv5QxyLGhXfz17Aj1J60CkoXSKwtfc2AcHVkP7fCIdtqkoxbJ9FKeaPdYxe5Ku4b6b5Prqu1XgBIahBlKGyRrzJagRYaPgv_f5DjKs8eAH1PVn0cGUIGbQu4WeRDrjrTZnGhaGQy9uG/s1600/L1000125-4-550.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1IYv5QxyLGhXfz17Aj1J60CkoXSKwtfc2AcHVkP7fCIdtqkoxbJ9FKeaPdYxe5Ku4b6b5Prqu1XgBIahBlKGyRrzJagRYaPgv_f5DjKs8eAH1PVn0cGUIGbQu4WeRDrjrTZnGhaGQy9uG/s1600/L1000125-4-550.JPG" /></a></i></i></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><i><i></i></i></i><b>Ha, they made <i>soundtrack </i>two words. Stupid Italians!</b></div><i><br />
</i><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Blow-Up</i> soundtrack, Herbie Hancock</span></b> (MGM, 1966)<br />
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My prized baby of the bunch, it's an original pressing. That's <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1_81vyX11-_kGrPjm0eTo12hRbkexroKtUcEPjBhDhfXAFC-NoaT9HfL1lgP-0yK8_G55B-inxbZ0_xUopA50WAKQeTki_3pP-PnDS1ZtTGfWI-I34Q9I7AYaXMFh3SvCyxPD0yeBv18/s400/With+then-lover+and+creative+partner+Franco+Rubartelli+at+the+premiere+of+their+film+Veruschka,+Poetry+of+a+Woman,+1971.+The+couple+split+the+same+year.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Veruschka the German Fox</span></a> on the cover,<i><br />
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</i>and the image is compelling but makes me kind of uncomfortable if my eyes stay on it for more than a few seconds, just like that <a href="http://mishkanyc.bandcamp.com/album/mr-muthafuckin-exquire-lost-in-translation"><span style="color: blue;">eXquire</span></a> cover. <b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Best Magic City/Kang of Diamonds Tie-In:</span></b> that photo, with Veruschka contorting her body for a paycheck, is a reminder from the universe of what I've learned from strippers - 1) Scotch tape is the best way to get sparkly liquid (glitter + lotion) off your skin, and 2) knowing your angles when being viewed will increase your revenue significantly. Darling, life <i>is </i>performance. Know those angles, ladies. I have no hustles other than the I-work-an-honest-job hustle, but the fact is that we all use the skill set of looking interested, while not being interested at all, just so we can complete our current task at hand - and this describes modeling perfectly. It also describes stripping, office jobs, retail sales, having a conversation with my aunt Jean, being at a bar anytime something other than the Clipse is being played, and, hell, probably rapping for a good percentage of on-duty hours too. <br />
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<i>Blow-Up</i> is famous for the Veruschka modeling scene, the presence of a young Jane Birkin in a small role, and for having Herbie Hancock do the soundtrack. What I mean is, <i>Blow-Up</i> is famous in my own life for being perfect fantasy fodder - “<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5TmD-Y9jm-jgJQVR4vLEKgnASOqfR3z9cF22Y_KYX2w6cVPkSMyCFjaTQAly6bUw1AbQEMX68oNyQJRhUfPir71W_ZPNa8KW_AN5fVe3yA3ArcURWWAMtcsate0k478leXy4yF3hvunMI/s1600/120885-jane-birkin-jeune-637x0-1.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">sort-of-pretty-but-sort-of-odd-looking white ladies</span></a> being heralded while Herbie plays in the background.” This is my life when I daydream at work! <b style="color: #cc0000;">Best Bassline for an Opener:</b> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zVZwnvTRpG0"><span style="color: blue;">“Bring Down the Birds,”</span></a> though the song then turns into some screwball-comedy sounding thing, not very sexy at all. Its <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=C4D1HSL7P98#t=24s"><span style="color: blue;">“Groove is in the Heart”</span></a> connection is sort of sexy(?), but supremely unsexy is the fact that I can't figure out why Q-Tip (Jive) appeared on a record by Deee-Lite (Elektra) in 1990. Sex is brought later into the album in the form of “Stroll On” by the Yardbirds, whose <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEBkInSTa14"><span style="color: blue;">audience of bored, uptight humans during their scene</span></a> in the film could be, I swear, footage from any rap show in LA. Dudes are too cool for school out here.<br />
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None of these reasons compel me to borrow this film, Netflix it, or stream it illegally, though I guess I should just so I can be familiar with the films of Antonioni in case I get trapped in an elevator with Tarantino, James Franco, or the Das Racist boys. I already know the best line of the film: Thomas, the photographer, on the primary reason his wife is his wife, says, <b>“She isn't beautiful. She's easy to live with.”</b> This is important for us females to remember, along with the fact that we should never date anyone who refers to women as “females.” The feat of being easy to live with is just as important for males to remember, though, so you can just stop it with that email accusing me of being sexist and only insisting women adhere to this. We all want ease and comfort at the end of the day. Now be quiet so I can think! Also: my slippers, please. <i><br />
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<i><b><a href="http://beatswapmeet.com/wordpress/"><span style="color: blue;">Beat Swap Meet</span></a> #16</b></i><br />
<i><b>Grandstar Jazz Club</b></i><br />
<i><b>943 N. Broadway, LA </b></i><br />
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<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span> </b>As always, the entrance fee was a canned good, collected for the homeless; records records recordssssss; Yogurtland afterward, then a nap. Heard Con Funk Shun's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ecacoC_YlE"><span style="color: blue;">“Ffun,”</span></a> the ffuckin </i></i><b>jam</b><i><i>, in the car during the drive over! </i><br />
<i><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</span> </b>I got overstimulated and tired. As always, I didn't bring enough money; therefore, I kind of wanted to kill myself. (See also Beat Swap Meets # 1, 3, 4, 9 & 10). I was one of about 4 female humans in attendance. Our paychecks are still about 7/10 as large as yours, gentlemen, which accounts for some absences because we just don't have as much disposable income, but LADIES: no excuses. Records are beautiful, life-affirming objects that bring messages from the other side. Get into it/get involved. </i><i><i><br />
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</a></i></i></i></div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-40265683139953711752011-12-26T19:53:00.001-08:002012-01-09T19:29:12.731-08:00You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear...“No Diggity” into “Flava In Ya Ear”<div style="font-family: Georgia,'Times New Roman',serif;"><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuBzfg3GPg44Fu44lU-8fmm-YECPB0mnGIhS6xn3eGa-7B76XWU1WCKL2UIUd14-5Sxxphb_3algFMyNjsrTiZshIKZLMSXmlJBzLAcoYswa03jGSopC43l7otpfaqYDFBPhchJRh2mlrT/s1600/L1010447-3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="499px" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuBzfg3GPg44Fu44lU-8fmm-YECPB0mnGIhS6xn3eGa-7B76XWU1WCKL2UIUd14-5Sxxphb_3algFMyNjsrTiZshIKZLMSXmlJBzLAcoYswa03jGSopC43l7otpfaqYDFBPhchJRh2mlrT/s640/L1010447-3.jpg" width="640px" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"> <b>Last Christmas, I gave you my heart/But the very next day you gave it away, you JERK! This year, I’m giving you some peach Optimos and a picture of me in my new MG’s <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XvuTUk7vmU"><i style="color: blue;">McLemore Avenue</i></a> shirt. Don't fuck up again, please. </b></div><br />
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</div>Future husband, please understand that the small of my back is a playground of good feelings for me. (There must be a billion nerve endings there, and I love them all.) I'd like you to be pro-choice, pro-union, and pro-Pro Tools and pro-Pro Keds. I’m surprisingly forgiving when it comes to the contents of other people’s record collections, but yours is no doubt fresh anyway, so the matter doesn’t need to be addressed further. I’d like you to be able to correctly use “screamo” and “sissy bounce” in a sentence, future husband, and I’d like you to understand that 72% of our time spent together will consist of riding in the car, listening to music (we live in LA), and responding with our hands and mouths to all bangers as we hear them. (Hands up high in ecstasy; our mouths singing along, and making out). Please kiss me and tell me <i>It'll be OK</i> when I talk about how I was born in the wrong era and should've been a teenage girl when David Ruffin was seducing teenage girls on the radio in 1966. Although I love my iPod, future husband, I'm <b><i>in love </i></b>with the radio--Power 106, <i>where hiphop lives</i>, and Hot 92.3, <i>old school and today’s R&B</i>, 93.5 KDAY, <i>back in the day</i>, of course the Whole Foods liberals on KCRW, and the <i>nonstop oldies </i>of K-EARTH 101, where you can often hear an old Wilson Pickett song called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsjFi4KkOZc&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">“Mustang Sally,”</span></a> which, like 30% of Fabolous' songs, is about a lowdown, unappreciative woman who drives all over town in a pretty car that her man bought for her. Its lesser-known remix is a song called “Prius Logan,” about a music dork with hips and skinny legs who drives all over town, singing along with her car radio. <br />
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And now, in no particular order, The Best Songs I Heard on the Radio During My Drive Back to LA from Mom's House After Christmas.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">1. </span></b><span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ztr8j_-gD4"><span style="color: blue;">“Two of Us,”</span></a> The Beatles. </b></span><br />
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Because: <b>1) Spector produced it.</b><br />
Industry rule # 4,000-somethingorother is that the men with the most unfortunate combination of brain chemicals are always the ones who make the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybvruzd3XE0&feature=fvsr"><span style="color: blue;">sweetest melodies</span></a>. Hearing this one also satisfied my Spector hunger in the absence of Darlene Love's “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home).” <b>Fuck off, radio gods, for not playing Darlene Love. </b> <br />
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2) It’s the perfect BPM, the speed of a horse galloping. It's the musical approximation of riding next to your best friend of a hundred years with whom you are fighting. You're both sad and bitter, but the tightness in your chest says that the relationship is worth saving. You shared a good chunk of each other’s lives and you know you should talk about where things went wrong but what's the point, and dammit, there it is, you just forgave all her trespasses in the span of about 3½ minutes thanks to Spector and his 4 little elves playing instruments.<br />
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3) <b>“You and me chasing paper, getting nowhere”</b> sounds like a sweet line from a capable MC who is part of a duo, referencing the early days before they made any money from rapping. Maybe Bun & Pimp C? More likely: Mos & Talib since they seem more willing than UGK are to acknowledge there was actually a time that they weren’t rich.<br />
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4) the moments from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=2Ztr8j_-gD4#t=179s"><span style="color: blue;">03:00 - 03:08</span></a>. The bass outro, too. Paul is really just the worst with his schmaltzy lyrics and big stupid ego, but he's forgiven here. It turns out a Beatles block was happening on the station when this song ended, and the INSUFFERABLE “Long and Winding Road” came on instead of “Across the Universe,” like baby Jesus, the birthday boy, would have wanted. I glared at my car radio like it had eyes and/or a human brain capable of detecting hatred, then turned it to KCRW, where THIS pleased me because sometimes the radio gods aren't so bad after all:<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">2. “Christmas Day,” Desmond Dekker & the Aces. </span></b><br />
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Oh goodness, these Jamaican singers and their voices filled with sweetness and light, yet punch-you-in-the-mouth masculinity at the same time (Barrington, Tenor Saw, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvDZ8U-7A1A"><span style="color: blue;">Lord Creator</span></a>)! My feelings about the island are always in conflict, as it is a land teeming with anti-gay sentiment and deeply-entrenched misogyny. Rastas also have that whole anti-oral sex thing, which makes them a people that cannot be liked or trusted. All this goes out the window for the moments that Desmond's voice is filling my car, though. It’s Christmas! And he's got <a href="http://greatamericanmusiccompany.com/desmond-dekker/"><span style="color: blue;">his barrow in the marketplace</span></a>! God bless us, every one!<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">3. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1C6hFEFAbQ"><span style="color: blue;">“The Third Eye,”</span></a> Roy Ayers. </span></b><br />
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<i>Secrets of numbers, secrets of sound/Secrets of numbers, secrets of sound/Secrets of wisdom will be found/Baby, baby, baby, look to the sky/Seeking to find The Third Eye.</i> Don't tell Roy, but I'm pretty sure Del found the Third Eye sometime in the late '80s. He turned it into one of the <a href="http://pictograms.blogspot.com/2007/07/logo-3-hieroglyphics_13.html"><span style="color: blue;">freshest icons in music</span></a> and never looked back. Ah well. Like Del, Roy's yet another space cadet dreamboat who lives in the warm depths of my heart. And like Mos Def, Roy enjoys writing songs about the sky and about Brooklyn (“Mylifemylifemylifemylife in the sun-shiiiiine”; “We live in Brooklyn, baby” – Roy; “Brooklyn BK BK blunts, stars nighttime, beautiful lady, champion lover not ease up, ism/schism, NASDAQ, skyline, stars, stars” – Mos). A man named Doug <i>Rhodes</i> plays drums on the album from whence this song comes, which is an adorable musical joke made just for me by the universe - like someone named Bob <i>Zildjian</i> playing keys! I’d also like to point out that Roy’s from LA just like J-Swift, and I bet you only 2 or 3 degrees separate us, friends-wise, just like me and J-Swift. I’d like to meet J-Swift. I really would. Before a bad fate befell him (chemicals), he produced this group the Pharcyde, an excitable bunch of rapping goofballs - including their song “Passin’ Me By,” which samples Roy Ayers’ “The Third Eye.” It's true. (I read it on a blog.)<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4. </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ljb8AEse4U"><span style="color: blue;">“Dream On, Dream On,”</span></a> Ice Water Slim.</span></b><br />
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When I made it safely back to apt. 680 I could only find the version linked above, which, even while coursing into my ear canal through my precious, finely-crafted Sennheisers, sounds like it's playing on an AM radio a hundred yards away while I'm standing in a UPS warehouse. Yet the entire MMG squad makes their lousy material on million-dollar equipment - this is the universe's solemn reminder that sound <i>quality</i> will always trump <i>sound</i> quality. <br />
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A 1971 b-side produced by Johnny Otis, who was bosslike and from Vallejo just like E-40, this ain't nothin more than a melodic wail by a dude who dreams about a pretty lady. But it is a fact that, currently in the United States, the #1 R&B song is “Lotus Flower Bomb,” about grenade-shaped perfume bottles and lady-areas being like flowers. This fact offends me not only as a person who buys perfume, but as a human female and a resident of planet Earth. Ladies should not smell like explosions or wartime, and we have enough to worry about without Wale laying out rules about our nails and handbags and how tight our, um, <i>flowers </i>should be. I wanna be reminded of tightness, I'll watch <span style="color: #cc0000;">Parliament live in '76</span> like I did on Christmas Day with my family all on the couch, marveling at the interplay of brass and woodwind and cocaine. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">5. </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9YMU0WeBwU"><span style="color: blue;">“You And I,”</span></a> Lady Gaga. </span></b><br />
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<i>We gotta a whole lotta money, but we still pay rent/'Cause you can't buy a house in heaven.</i> The single greatest country banger that Prince Rogers Nelson never wrote (his version would be called “U & I,” of course), hearing this one satisfied my hunger for a Prince banger in the absence of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nc_lFaEwS0I"><span style="color: blue;">"Another Lonely Christmas"</span></a> (<i>Of all the ones I dream about/U are the one that makes my love shout, see/U are the only one I care for</i>). Because the Internet is for sharing embarrassing moments: I actually teared up in H&M last week when this came on. I was tired and overstimulated from all the other humans in the store breathing up my air, but also because of this song’s Prince-ian chords and overall lyrical content. <i>It's been two years since I let you go/I couldn't listen to a joke or rock 'n' roll/Muscle cars drove a truck right through my heart/On my birthday you sang me "Heart of Gold"/With a guitar hummin' and no clothes/This time I'm not leaving without you.</i> (PRINCE. It's so very, wonderfully Prince. I see you, Gaga. Also I'd like Prince to do a cover of “Heart of Gold,” turning a bittersweet song about the passage of time into a 16-minute-long burning plea by his guitar to get the ladies in the house to cry and take their dresses off). Master manipulator Gaga plays my girly emotional insides like a piano, and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MhfzXZZSot0"><span style="color: blue;">Queen was a really fucking great band</span></a>, plus I got a really cute bikini at H&M. So shoutout to the combined efforts of producer Mutt Lange, the H&M speaker system engineers, and the people hired by the H&M corporate office to select the songs for the playlists. Non-shoutout to me, however, for a <i>pop song</i> making me get weepy, rather than the fact that I was buying from a company that sells cheap cotton items made by underpaid workers in Bangladesh (not the <i>producer </i>Bangladesh, which would be so dope). Tangential shoutout to Elliot Mazer, who produced both <i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZX8RAaRNIk&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">Harvest</span></a> </i>and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlvUz6phquo"><i style="color: blue;">Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death</i></a>, displaying some real Rick-Rubin-esque range.<br />
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Gaga was on <i>American Idol</i> once and coached one of the kids to keep his mouth on the mic. “It's your girlfriend,” she told him, adding that it's also his money and telling him to “Make love to it,” which is the most sex-infused piece of technical advice I've ever heard. I love it. I love her. I am human and I have ears so of course I love this song. Gaga is a controversial choice, I get it, but there's no arguing with me on this. It's just like with Cameron Giles, Duke basketball, and Miracle Whip: you can't change my opinion about any of those things, either (I hate them). Therefore, I say we stick to less controversial topics, like the artistic merits of Lana Del Rey and the best way to restructure the BCS. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">6. </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XiDG9acqRk&ob=av2n"><span style="color: blue;">“Change the Game,”</span></a> Jay-Z/Bleek/Beans, into “Mass Appeal,” Gangstarr. </span></b><br />
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Yeah yeah, Jay. <i>You. Will. Not. Lose.</i> We hear you, Jay. Easy, tiger. Now please repeat after <i>me</i> - there's only one rule: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcJ-wUw0vlA"><span style="color: blue;">RICK ROCK 4 EVS</span></a>, 4 EVER <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9S-krMT9Do"><span style="color: blue;">& EVER</span></a>. “Change” is one of the few Rick Rock productions with which I am not <span style="color: black;">fully in love</span>. Like “Can I Get A,” it is the very <i>sound </i>of Clinton Administration pop radio, shiny and hand-clap-py, so it's just dated and that's not the song's fault, but it NEEDS MORE SNARE AND/OR BASS, says my soul, which does not understand the limits of space and time and the notion of something being “dated.” My soul does not care. More bass, please. It's impossible to separate the song from its <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XiDG9acqRk&ob=av2n"><span style="color: blue;">horrendous video</span></a>, which features rappers <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThlhSnRk21E&ob=av3e"><i style="color: blue;">not</i><span style="color: blue;"> named DMX</span></a> trying to convince me they ride motorbikes all around the city for fun (“NOPE” - my eyes, in response, just like <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1cxP2nCBdU"><span style="color: blue;">back in September</span></a>). But this one’ll always warm my heart. The boys all look happy and not beaten down by the industry, and <i>Sigel Sigel in the house</i> is fun and sing-song-y. It’s sweet that those 3 dudes could all be in the same room together at one point in history, which is really all a lady can ask for given the amount of crybaby-ness among rap professionals. I also like that it gives me an excuse to post the video of that time <a href="http://videosift.com/video/Robert-Goulet-Jay-Z-Murder-in-the-Make-Believe-Ballroom"><span style="color: blue;">Robert Goulet spent the afternoon with Shawn and his coterie of ne'er-do-wells.</span></a> The mix into “Mass Appeal” was nice, too, for this lady in 2011 driving her vehicle to her apartment in Los Angeles, years after these songs were made by dudes from New York and Massachusetts. “This ain't just a car,” <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqvvWl6tYBw"><span style="color: blue;">K.R.I.T. says</span></a>, “This my time machine.” <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">7. </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdGJoUpzV0o"><span style="color: blue;">“Run Rudolph Run,”</span></a> Chuck Berry. </span></b><br />
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<b>“It's dangerous, because it's slick and catchy”</b> - US counterterrorism officials, regarding <a href="http://www.npr.org/2011/12/29/144342062/terrorists-struggle-to-gain-recruits-on-the-web"><span style="color: blue;">a popular song on YouTube</span></a> (2011).<br />
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<b>“It's dangerous, because it's slick and catchy and done by black men and it might make our daughters want to have sex”</b> - white US grown-ups, mostly regarding rock & roll music, but really, all forms of good music (1954-present, & forever & ever).<br />
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Promo is promo, meaning promotion, people talking, records sold, i.e., MONEY, and even in the ‘50s labels knew what they were doing when it came to making their stars sound badder than they actually were. Teenagers and their allowance money were a powerful bloc. They were also sullen and disrespectful, and thought they were real badass, and therefore bought the 45s of men whom they believed to be tough. This was mostly because they fell for promo tactics. But Chuck Berry! I’m pretty sure Chuck was/is a truly depraved gentleman, a genuine dirty bird, the real deal, who served actual jail time due to his taste for sweet young things and, years later, with the barometer for what he found stimulating raised higher throughout his life, his taste for <a href="http://rulefortytwo.com/secret-rock-knowledge/chapter-8/chuck-berry-bathroom-cameras/"><span style="color: blue;">odd and really unsexy things</span></a>. It might’ve been promo, but that’s a hell of a commitment to promo, right? Even though I strongly want “Run Rudolph Run” to be a critique of what were socially acceptable gifts for American children in the late '50s (the boy wants a guitar; the girl wants a doll), I am able to suspend this desire if I so choose. Just let it ride, Logan. This one’s just happy and Christmassy, it'll make you stop wondering <i>What in the hell must've happened to Chuck when he was a kid to make him so fetish-y?</i> and instead it'll make you think the much more pleasant <i>How fucking hyped are you if you're Chuck Berry and </i><a href="http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b266/von___hepburn/ChuckBerry_MosDef.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Mos Def</span></a><i><span style="color: blue;"> </span>does his hair like that and plays you in a movie!</i>* Plus you got the essential Marty McFly element, and all those reindeer names sound like they could be A$AP crew members - A$AP Comet, A$AP Donner, and most especially, A$AP Blitzen.<br />
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<i>*Not quite as hyped as David Ruffin would be if he knew <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GL45kzwF7tg"><span style="color: blue;">beautiful human specimen Leon</span></a> played him in a movie, but still. Pretty hyped.</i> <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">8. The Outfield, “Your Love.” </span></b><i> </i><br />
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<i>OHHOLYFUCK</i>, screamed my whole body when this came on, my inner Drunk White Girl showing all of a sudden. <b>My hand could not physically move fast enough</b> to the volume knob, and even though I didn't get to proclaim <i>Josie's on a vacation far away</i> (I caught the song halfway through the first verse), I still got to participate in some great sing-along parts (<i>Stay the night but keep it un-der-cover</i>) and savored the delicious wrongness of a song about a dude wanting to sleep with, and then sleeping with, someone other than his live-in lady. I have a fair amount of self-respect but even <i>I </i>would probably fall for <i>I ain't got many friends left to talk to; may I please cry upon your shoulder? </i>(aww!). The proper feminine response to this is a wide-eyed <i>Would it help if I took my dress off?</i>, which I have ON LOCK because I'm softhearted and have a compulsive need to soothe others. In closing: sorry if you were in the lane next to me on the freeway last night and I almost killed you with my swerving 4-wheeled piece of Japanese machinery.<br />
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The Internet and my brother tell me that the best outfielder was probably Rickey Henderson, whom I've heard of despite my lack of interest in the stupid sport of baseball, because my dad always liked the A's and because<i> I</i> always liked dudes who can <a href="http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?t=160837"><span style="color: blue;">self-promote in a verbally stylish fashion</span></a> instead of a Kanyesian (“I'm 34 but inside I'm still a 13-year-old boy who is sad and mad that none of the pretty girls in class are looking at me”) fashion. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">9. </span></b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KL9mRus19o&ob=av3e"><span style="color: blue;">“No Diggity,”</span></a> Blackstreet<span style="font-size: small;"> (I refuse to type BLACKstreet, because I am a grown-up)<span style="font-size: large;">,</span></span> into <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V8pG1mG7BeI"><span style="color: blue;">“Flava In Ya Ear (remix),”</span></a> Biggie Smalls & a bunch of people not named Biggie Smalls.</span></b><br />
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Perfect mix, whatsyourname who matched these two up on KDAY. They basically have the same BPM and I guess I never noticed it before. Hearing Craig Mack reminded me that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ijOe3sGEk"><span style="color: blue;">I only drink the finest breast milks</span></a>, and hearing Teddy Riley inspired me to proclaim "Finna bring back <i>no diggity</i> in twenty-twelve, along with <i>vainglorious </i>and <i>honey dip</i>” out loud to myself in my car. Let’s just skip over that unfortunate video with the puppets & Dre in a fucking <i>Emmitt Smith</i> jersey, and ignore Teddy’s sad attempt at hitting that note in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=nUqZY805aDc#t=76s"><span style="color: blue;">“by no means avvv-raaaaage,”</span></a> sounding so wobbly, like he’s crossing a stream and stepped on a rock that looked secure but, oh no, oopsie!, it’s loose! He might fall down! Shaky-voice! Let’s just focus on the greatness of this song, the story of a honey dip who drives a nice car and has dudes open all over town, probably because she is witty and knows a lot of musical trivia and has a blog in which she writes about Blackstreet and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxjNauWYFfc"><span style="color: blue;">Bill Withers</span></a> in equal measure. Let’s also focus on finding out why exactly Teddy moved his studio to Virginia in the early ‘90s. There must be a story there, right? TEDDY, WHAT HAPPENED? And did you know <a href="http://pitchfork.com/reviews/tracks/12904-moon-stars-clams-casino-remix-ft-devin-the-dude/"><span style="color: blue;">this hideous Clams beat</span></a> completely boosts your '87 sound? And where is Timbaland? Just heard “Are You That Somebody” and it holds up so well.<br />
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Like me, the young lady in the song has all kinds of hustles and isn't satisfied with a man unless he makes tons of money. So if you are poor, you and I will never have sex or even go on a date. However, because I'm nice, I'm providing you with the criteria for getting hired by UPS. (Don't be mad!) Like being my lover, a job at UPS is no walk in the park (except, of course, when you and I go for actual walks in the actual park). “It may be fun and exciting,<b>”</b> UPS warns, “but it’s also physical and fast-paced” (just like being my lover!). “Package Delivery Drivers must have excellent customer contact and driving skills, including the ability to operate a vehicle equipped with a manual transmission. Qualified applicants must have a valid driver’s license issued in the state that they live.<b> This is a position that involves continual lifting, lowering, and maneuvering of large items,”</b> HEY-O, that sounds familiar, doesn't it? No? Last night, in the bedroom? Remember? PS, <b>a physical exam is also required</b> (for both jobs). <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">10. “Rhythm Changes,” The Counts. </span></b><br />
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Unpleasant facts of life with which I must make peace include:<br />
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that there are actual human females who brag about giving their precious inner-thigh parts to charisma-free yet famous human males <a href="http://www.vh1.com/shows/love_and_hip_hop/season_2/cast.jhtml"><span style="color: blue;">Fabolous and Juelz</span></a>;<br />
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that Wiz Khalifa makes his living as a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa5B22KAkEk"><span style="color: blue;">professional musician</span></a> (side note: EAT A CHEESEBURGER, CAMERON);<br />
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that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRYFKcMa_Ek"><span style="color: blue;">“Maneater”</span></a> preceded <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll6LLGePYwM"><span style="color: blue;">“Part Time Lover”</span></a> by 3 years, so it would appear Stevie boosted the bassline from Hall & Oates, not the other way around, WTF;<br />
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and finally: I have big fat trouble coming to terms with the fact that I live in the entertainment capital of the world, yet “Rhythm Changes” is not on a constant loop on at least 2 of the 4 R&B stations in this city. I only heard it on Christmas night because programmers were given a little more leeway than usual. I believe it was Minaj who said something like, “This song just remind me of/Everything radio deprive me of.” <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>11. Emilio Santiago, <i>“Bananeira.” </i></b></span><br />
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<i>Bananeira não sei/Bananeira será/Bananeira sei não/Isso é lá com você/Será no fundo do quintal/Quintal do seu olhar/Olhar do coração</i> (“Banana tree, I don't know/Banana tree, maybe/Banana tree, I don't know/That's up to you/Maybe deep in the backyard/Backyard of your stare/The stare from the heart”). I mean, <i>right?</i> Exactly, Emilio! You nailed it!<br />
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Hypnotic and hip-friendly and more about the backing track than the lyrics, just like everything <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7vHKbzAEIyw"><span style="color: blue;">Jay Elect releases into the world</span></a>, this is probably the best song about bananas since Dwayne Carter rapped over that one about being the best and fucking the world. This one also makes me forget about the banana trade in Brazil, an industry that's a symbol of the income disparity that's existed for hundreds of years. Bananas go bad really quickly, they can be <a href="http://offthebench.nbcsports.com/2011/03/30/german-fan-accused-of-throwing-a-racist-banana-at-brazil-soccer-star/"><span style="color: blue;">racist</span></a>, and their <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brazilian_wandering_spider"><span style="color: blue;">namesake spiders will kill you</span></a> if you're not careful. But at least Afro-Brazilian men can sing silly songs about bananas while still retaining their masculinity (it helps if you, like Emilio Santiago, have a deep, Scott-Heron-esque tone to your voice). Huddled with my family on the couch on Christmas Eve, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eR4aQrYozY"><span style="color: blue;">“Cosmic Slop”</span></a> on the TV, I was reminded of the sad reality of Black American manhood needing to disguise itself in fluffy hats and diapers in order to be less threatening. Um...merry Christmas? <br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-27529004844085049232011-11-28T02:37:00.000-08:002011-12-04T19:15:19.855-08:00Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Nn2pfyVq_fMp2N59kCdk1Dib6-UQ7TmntIMlF1MMEHR9QUWXog_JnhF6szuJIh-aKa9i9xWeiGR5_un0i2QkophKB6h9lJyIFsqhaa5whT2_0kbExU1wS7BHvhRfNW8qEI9rjo2oF33T/s1600/L1010083-2000.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="436" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Nn2pfyVq_fMp2N59kCdk1Dib6-UQ7TmntIMlF1MMEHR9QUWXog_JnhF6szuJIh-aKa9i9xWeiGR5_un0i2QkophKB6h9lJyIFsqhaa5whT2_0kbExU1wS7BHvhRfNW8qEI9rjo2oF33T/s640/L1010083-2000.JPG" width="640" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>Laid all out on the floor of apartment 680, I call this installation <i>Ian Curtis Surrounded Mostly by Musical Black Men of the '70s</i>, but its alternate name could be <i>Logan Returns from a trip to Boston with a New Pile of Diamonds. </i></b></div><br />
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Luda's new dumbed-down flow, my mother telling me <i>every day</i> on the phone to cut my hair, the UC Davis campus police, and Anthony Bourdain are all current sources of irritation in apartment 680 - but Bourdain especially, because he is rude and overbearing and on the Travel Channel as I write this. He's got my dream job, though! That rude, overbearing Anthony Bourdain has my <i>dreammmm job</i>, traveling the world, getting paid, nerding out. The focus of my hungry curiosity is record stores, not open-air food markets in Phuket, but the getting-paid-to-travel-the-world-in-pursuit-of-local-delights hustle is still a hustle about which I need to be taught, so CALL ME, ANTHONY, master of this particular hustle! Teach me! And when we meet for our teaching session, don't look my body up and down like I have a feeling you will! Thanks! I hate you! <br />
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Until I have my meet-up with lanky, creepy Anthony, I'm on my own when it comes to travel in order to satisfy primal cravings (<i>records</i>, I mean--not crocodile skin softened in truffle oil, a Thai delicacy I just made up, or frog curry, an <a href="http://www.tv.com/shows/anthony-bourdain-no-reservations/thailand-1277844/"><span style="color: blue;">actual Thai delicacy</span></a>). And I have no passport, so my choice of locations is restricted to the U.S., Puerto Rico, and assorted other commonwealths and territories with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Virgin_Islands"><span style="color: blue;">sketchy acquisition histories and tense racial-relations histories</span></a>. Vacation days were calling me and the east coast seemed like a logical choice, so a few weeks ago I took my geeky ass to Boston, with no, um, <a href="http://www.travelchannel.com/tv-shows/anthony-bourdain"><i style="color: blue;">reservations</i></a>, and no shorts (October!). I <i>did</i>, however, bring cash, a super cute carry-on bag (thanks, Mom), and a record shopping list that has been, according to a very realistic dream I once had, blessed by the ghost of Christopher Wallace. I also brought my hips and an ethnically ambiguous face on the trip - two things that come in handy for a lady when she's traveling outside of her home region. (Hips ensure that straight men will be nice to you if you get lost, and the face straight from Denmark/Tunisia means you can pretend you don't speak English when a creepy straight man is being too nice to you). <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGH8bbWjpepPIBYH_NKzPOOrRpwHGECEpH3s9ijJHyXzEo84RjdH4PS_wzfBAjDXgmSDEC9LHKd3dxOvbySctEpgbb0s_pFPcx3s83MCCF7oqf9Z_OTXSP_WZj9Boyh7KFhHtX6lVHMfM/s1600/L1000690-600.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJGH8bbWjpepPIBYH_NKzPOOrRpwHGECEpH3s9ijJHyXzEo84RjdH4PS_wzfBAjDXgmSDEC9LHKd3dxOvbySctEpgbb0s_pFPcx3s83MCCF7oqf9Z_OTXSP_WZj9Boyh7KFhHtX6lVHMfM/s1600/L1000690-600.JPG" /></a></div><br />
I saw Fenway as per the legal requirement for tourists, I drank a lot of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, I went to M.I.T., I got a Charlie card and rode the T, so fun and exotic for a girl used to driving her car every day - the cool metal poles, smooth and shiny like the bald head of Keith Elam. But all that was just a collection of stops either on the way <i>to </i>or on the way <i>back </i>from RECORD STORES. I didn't spend too much money in total - around $200, I think - but I bought too many records to carry on the plane. I had to mail most of them back. Still...not too much money in total. Around...$230? <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7v8c4XAcdlKDnJs7ku24AvIFtg078mmWk2xY7aODNY7OWzrZ2crjdrPyHRGmuczeoofnbc2ly5TpizBLtowifItq1A0dHylUBmS0y50li207zVB7mb6fDJz0SgGcnJNlv5HZoj312RONp/s1600/L1000680-1-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7v8c4XAcdlKDnJs7ku24AvIFtg078mmWk2xY7aODNY7OWzrZ2crjdrPyHRGmuczeoofnbc2ly5TpizBLtowifItq1A0dHylUBmS0y50li207zVB7mb6fDJz0SgGcnJNlv5HZoj312RONp/s1600/L1000680-1-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJT2vuYRLBokcMwH9r894yMreMnvZiXyptxDXa_BjVP1y1kTaQOxTZq2Yfp3g3E8HlAag8G-vs0ysiCnAe3VAlYkwtq_HG3CH95JP9OzycAyEIrYwzxJHmCyENesp1j_pNb-UhjRqUvnTe/s1600/L1000693-1-600.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJT2vuYRLBokcMwH9r894yMreMnvZiXyptxDXa_BjVP1y1kTaQOxTZq2Yfp3g3E8HlAag8G-vs0ysiCnAe3VAlYkwtq_HG3CH95JP9OzycAyEIrYwzxJHmCyENesp1j_pNb-UhjRqUvnTe/s1600/L1000693-1-600.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>“FRAGILE FRAGILE FRAGILE.”</b> </span> I figured you'd prefer to see a bumblebee on top of a dolphin on top of a skateboard rather than my dumb old address.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7v8c4XAcdlKDnJs7ku24AvIFtg078mmWk2xY7aODNY7OWzrZ2crjdrPyHRGmuczeoofnbc2ly5TpizBLtowifItq1A0dHylUBmS0y50li207zVB7mb6fDJz0SgGcnJNlv5HZoj312RONp/s1600/L1000680-1-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7v8c4XAcdlKDnJs7ku24AvIFtg078mmWk2xY7aODNY7OWzrZ2crjdrPyHRGmuczeoofnbc2ly5TpizBLtowifItq1A0dHylUBmS0y50li207zVB7mb6fDJz0SgGcnJNlv5HZoj312RONp/s1600/L1000680-1-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifrYe2zdQRgYj_BTrVHdo7-PqQX-pBZom4DR-jwI3sp1zIWJTSIBFfQ13HPbN-4uGHIcVV5h922qnfNU7ej6L0uwFwkoG4LAzvue4IvB-OF0R5rVluxtFwuBTJkenf-5t_Kyt8hIcXSG24/s1600/L1000691-600.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifrYe2zdQRgYj_BTrVHdo7-PqQX-pBZom4DR-jwI3sp1zIWJTSIBFfQ13HPbN-4uGHIcVV5h922qnfNU7ej6L0uwFwkoG4LAzvue4IvB-OF0R5rVluxtFwuBTJkenf-5t_Kyt8hIcXSG24/s1600/L1000691-600.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7v8c4XAcdlKDnJs7ku24AvIFtg078mmWk2xY7aODNY7OWzrZ2crjdrPyHRGmuczeoofnbc2ly5TpizBLtowifItq1A0dHylUBmS0y50li207zVB7mb6fDJz0SgGcnJNlv5HZoj312RONp/s1600/L1000680-1-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a>I thought I needed scissors, because I'm an idiot. (All my brains are in my hips.)</div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">I did not need scissors; there's a tab to grip and pull for ease of opening. Tight work, US Postal Service! AMERICA!</div><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrPJOuFCXmAKNQfpmAk2Qd8y1pjQ9b0K4oQN1xf3-eKdD6FjCNGxTdmHxRFTUQ30bBVz3IbH72P31zE1w4F2y9McS7-5IkfouzNV3qha0js1pUqEFGbQS7x07PHtttVRITL6tTaPJMAEUy/s1600/L1000692-600.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrPJOuFCXmAKNQfpmAk2Qd8y1pjQ9b0K4oQN1xf3-eKdD6FjCNGxTdmHxRFTUQ30bBVz3IbH72P31zE1w4F2y9McS7-5IkfouzNV3qha0js1pUqEFGbQS7x07PHtttVRITL6tTaPJMAEUy/s1600/L1000692-600.JPG" /></a><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">5 stores' worth, wrapped in some thin plastic and cardboard, safely arrived! USPS, you remain in good standing in my heart. </div><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">1. <b>Nuggets</b>, the 31-Year-Old Dustbin Where I Only Had Time to Buy 1 Item Before Being Dragged Away by My Traveling Companion.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvjgFUu-APLq-ATUPV8CsFbCqB5TaDajPptIx7Xe5bjn2oy7GF7GQARXKTybh1VWhoB94W4bN8_ZmcFjI7BNwgzZMx8z1SyvsEt5yeYaKqfmQhXqf0WxumlIjFnstZTvDB5hUmmWwzQPCl/s1600/L1000591-601.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvjgFUu-APLq-ATUPV8CsFbCqB5TaDajPptIx7Xe5bjn2oy7GF7GQARXKTybh1VWhoB94W4bN8_ZmcFjI7BNwgzZMx8z1SyvsEt5yeYaKqfmQhXqf0WxumlIjFnstZTvDB5hUmmWwzQPCl/s1600/L1000591-601.jpg" /></a><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><b>“Step up in this motherfucker somethingsomething my hair.”</b><i> </i></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjN6TWtzy2sDlUNbxrUzUQslU2axx-mvCawiBeHQmAO2lkMJbR8XcC1nAq9WHWlIKngMmt7EQ0OlCq8D3wioXJL6QI1gThgrU_k6yi9pFXV-Q8knbaPFGS5tSeAJTp5n20VNcw1RdVLp3r/s1600/buddy+miles+electric+church-550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjN6TWtzy2sDlUNbxrUzUQslU2axx-mvCawiBeHQmAO2lkMJbR8XcC1nAq9WHWlIKngMmt7EQ0OlCq8D3wioXJL6QI1gThgrU_k6yi9pFXV-Q8knbaPFGS5tSeAJTp5n20VNcw1RdVLp3r/s1600/buddy+miles+electric+church-550.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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- <b>Buddy Miles Express, <i>Electric Church</i>. </b><br />
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Just like how I have my reserved seat on the A$AP Crew Caravan and the Danny Brown Blunt Convoy, I'm a ticket holder on the Buddy Miles Express. Row 12, seat A. Choo-choo, baby, what more can I say. Buddy was friends with Jimi and, I just learned, the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM2OK_JaJ9I"><span style="color: blue;">voice on this commercial</span></a>, but first and foremost Buddy was a drummer just like his dad. I’m a nice person just like my mom, so I can relate, and also she passed on her hips to me, hips of course being the body part that so many soulful men wrote songs about. (Full circle!) This one's Logan-Walking-Down-the-Street-On-a-Hot-LA-Day Anthem: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbIJov4B7zk"><span style="color: blue;">“Wrap It Up,”</span></a> that time when Buddy took the <a href="http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&ved=0CCkQtwIwAg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D0-lPbFJWUyM&ei=HaLJTs6IJcWYiQKOiYjMDw&usg=AFQjCNFCowm_wjjvwDiYvDILcL6jza0CcA"><span style="color: blue;">Sam & Dave</span></a> song and turned it into a plea for me to take my dress off. (A few years ago I remember the song was used in a department store commercial at Christmas time - <i>wrap it up; I'll take it</i> - proof that ad firms are too lazy to listen to lyrics. The song's about a man who wants to turn his woman's, uh, <i>love </i>into a box, with a pretty<i> bow </i>on top, an obvious sexy, nasty anatomy reference. “Bring you sweet things from my candy jar/'Cause you've got tricks you ain't never used/Give it, give it to me, it won't get abused.” Isn't this basically the same thing Danny promises in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWwO9yq-mvs"><span style="color: blue;">“I Will”</span></a>? Aw, wait, I think it might get abused a tiny bit. SORRY, MOM.) <br />
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<div style="color: blue;"><i><a href="http://www.nuggetsrecords.com/index.html">Nuggets Records</a></i></div><i>486 Commonwealth (“Comm”) Ave., Boston</i><br />
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span> Nice proprietors who didn't mind the impromptu photo shoot my traveling companion and I initiated and asked if we were from the nearby photography school. Acknowledging the store's quantity-over-quality inventory, they also wished us luck in finding “that rare Billy Idol 12-inch.”</i><br />
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</span> Didn't find that rare Billy Idol 12-inch. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">2. <b>Cheapo</b>: The One True King of R&B (sorry, Kells) </span><br />
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I can't believe they were able to get all four of them together for that photo on my shirt, since they basically wanted to stab each other in the stomach at this point as a band, right? Oh music industry!, you're just a big corporate picnic where dudes who hate each other have to smile together in photo ops to soothe the boss's anxiety and thereby ensure that everybody involved keeps making basketfuls of cash. Anyway, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5UfLdxF_tI&feature=related"><span style="color: blue;">thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box</span></a>; they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe, <i>jai guru deva om</i>, blahblah, mostly I'm trying to distract myself from the fact that I <i>didn't buy the record I'm holding above</i> even though it is called <i>Music for the Sensual Woman</i> and has a sad-eyed thick-haired blonde girl on the cover, because, well, I guess I'm into self-sabotage these days. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YK_ZFnqQ-RX82EwPoDhXR-LM_GRquWMX8hy4u20t60JippZm_-D4ra6KeIw36S53jBKW3A_nLKromJ6Q2-M8qjh0X5b1EWtOaFIYYIClvbJ3_FFzbUU3HHvIcNTfQ6w_w6yT3ieUwY8z/s1600/L1000641-1-600.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YK_ZFnqQ-RX82EwPoDhXR-LM_GRquWMX8hy4u20t60JippZm_-D4ra6KeIw36S53jBKW3A_nLKromJ6Q2-M8qjh0X5b1EWtOaFIYYIClvbJ3_FFzbUU3HHvIcNTfQ6w_w6yT3ieUwY8z/s1600/L1000641-1-600.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Of course I felt a lustful pull toward this section, as 2 of these 3 adjectives describe me<br />
(email me if you must know).</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga1hHpUIGJD7uwGAE3VUscv4AFYOaGxQSicr1CZWUjLq09L3fi0TIThV3PSMjW_yVaMtOChCFWiTMp3KmY8PbPn3_nPmFaRzEK1BBaKOizLBXvyWqUBSTi7N9IMGRs5oBJcuJWP0dSEQe7/s1600/L1000645-600.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghD4tE0M21fMyGP_H4ZV91QTL7hyphenhyphenQ1FVVbKywb7Zw2Z1b0tRjxM4vSa8Vwu2znPwiPNDZFoGNvaPdtSHnb3ZDiTBBq6EcqKHZJ5UFfeOSCoNlRvjoUj08Fnr0nlfJz2NVFCRIZfNNqTxcw/s1600/L1000635-601.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghD4tE0M21fMyGP_H4ZV91QTL7hyphenhyphenQ1FVVbKywb7Zw2Z1b0tRjxM4vSa8Vwu2znPwiPNDZFoGNvaPdtSHnb3ZDiTBBq6EcqKHZJ5UFfeOSCoNlRvjoUj08Fnr0nlfJz2NVFCRIZfNNqTxcw/s1600/L1000635-601.jpg" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">STUN NING. Stunning. Life-affirming. All I need day to day, along with some lovin and some ice cream, are some old George McCrae and Chi-Lites records over which to geek out. Seeking photographer to shoot me as a slutty ballerina gymnast, Tawny Kitaen style, on top of stacks like this.</div><br />
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- <b>El Gran Combo, <i>La Universidad de la Salsa</i>.</b> Bought because my hips were put here on Earth by god herself (Celia Cruz) to move rhythmically to Caribbean music. Also bought because this record was erroneously placed in the jazz section. Insane! This was no accident! I obviously had to go with the fate handed to me by record store gods. Entities outside of my control bind me sometimes, making me feel like the protagonist in horrible Power 106 earwig “Tony Montana.” <i>“You leave me no choice,”</i> excellent rapper Future says in the song, which is about having a decision already been made by the forces at play in the universe, and then living with the outcome of that decision, because you're just like that man with a Caribbean-bred stronghold technique. <i>“Tony Montana. Tony Montana. Tony Montana.”</i> I’ll talk about the time I bought an El Gran Combo record in Boston if/when I meet Bobbito, but until then I will sweep the floor and bake cookies to it at my apartment in an inappropriate outfit like Beyonce, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7dbsm0U_gk"><span style="color: blue;">“Mujer Celosa”</span></a> sounding so good even though salsa songs about women always have that sexist virgin/whore motif. <br />
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- <b>The Chi-Lites, <i>(For God's Sake) Give More Power to the People</i></b>. Produced by lead singer Eugene Record (Eugene RECORD), this one of course has song titles like “Troubles A Comin” and “We Are Neighbors” because it was 1971. Couched in the middle, though, there's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4qZec7B6oU"><span style="color: blue;">future-bankrupt-rapper blip-in-history-sample-source</span></a> “Have You Seen Her.” How telling. In '72, the guys included their version of “Inner City Blues" on an album otherwise full of love songs, and in '73 they did a song called “We Need Order” on an album otherwise full of love songs. Later in '73, they came out with the <i>Chi-Lites </i>album, <i>completely full</i> of love songs. Every one was about marriage and regretting not asking that one lady to get married when you had the chance - none were about world peace or strife. The lesson here is to remember always, darlings, that we all need to get along as the children of Earth, but mostly we just need sweet sweet romantic love, preferably with <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cssRAKFagwg"><span style="color: blue;">a really long spoken intro while the bass and strings build in the background</span></a>. Related: my parents are gone for the weekend so I'm having a party in the basement (dirty old couches and a single red light hanging from the ceiling! 1971 BACK! All 1971 everything!). <br />
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- <b>Stylistics, <i>Let’s Put It All Together</i>. </b>Yes, Stylistics! <i>Let's do that!</i> You had better fucking betcha by golly wowwww I'm ready to put it all together, especially since this record contains <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNr3C4isCcg"><span style="color: blue;">“Love is the Answer”</span></a>* and was produced by Avco album chiefs named <a href="http://www.rockabilly.nl/references/messages/hugo_peretti.htm"><span style="color: blue;">Hugo & Luigi</span></a>, in their spare time, I mean, when they weren't trying to rescue Princess Toadstool from Bowser's castle.<br />
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- <b>Archie Shepp, <i>Fire Music</i>. </b>You can't deny that cover painting - guts laid out and spread around, messy and thick. It comes courtesy of Mel Cheren, a <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/21/arts/21cheren.html"><span style="color: blue;">gay man drafted into the Army</span></a> who, upon returning from service in 1970, promptly started working for a record label, encouraging its higher-ups to start releasing disco, and then founded Paradise Garage, which seems like the greatest and most subversive <i>Fuck you and your army, America</i> committed by a gay man in my great nation's history. This one also contains Shepp's "Malcolm, Malcolm, Semper Malcolm,"<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span> about Mr. El-Shabazz, which is a reminder of the power of 3- and 4-word song titles in jazz. Next week maybe a Fetti affiliate will do a tribute/style-jacking of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogd9hQ7WGsg"><span style="color: blue;">"In Walked Bud,"</span></a> only it'll be called "In Walked Flocka," and I'll be so pleased.<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span><i>This go harder than a herd of runnin' elephants.</i> - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/comment?lc=YeDAk-PcQKAxmIf9EanwqwLJzvbgi-SLEx-333UPB08"><span style="color: blue;">my future husband</span></a>, random YouTube commenter. <br />
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- <b>Roberta Flack, <i>Chapter 2</i>.</b> Predictability is my strong suit - I always buy a record with a <a href="http://www.getvinyl.com/img/original/051_0.jpeg"><span style="color: blue;">pensive-looking lady face</span></a> on the cover, which might indicate a personality trait of mine, some deep-seated shyness that Roberta and I both have, or that Laura Nyro and I or Nina Simone and I both have. Most likely I buy these things just so I'll have something to talk about with Lauryn if/when I meet her. Released in 1970, <a href="http://www.getvinyl.com/img/original/051_0.jpeg"><i style="color: blue;">Chapter 2</i></a>'s pensive-face art design came courtesy of Ira Friedlander, whose Roberta-head-album-cover creativity apex was reached with <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEio3R2JEr40jyxllkV3FO9zHjkSdXv5f84RNOsmMTU90hCqIMi8JSJ6LOe6acZVna7spaAxejq5zb1szZO_GJoBO7ktqAe0LNH-MAReH736xyWakBQNb6CeMGkBbdibVRvEmTgyjH7FTt8/s1600/Roberta+Flack+-+Quiet+Fire.JPG"><i style="color: blue;">Quiet Fire</i></a> a year later. And although there aren't any rap breaks to speak of on it, King Curtis and Donny Hathaway make strong and graceful appearances like they always did on Roberta's albums; upon seeing this in the bins, it had to be mine. I love Roberta. It was, as they say, a <i>wrap</i>. (Predictability is my strong suit.) <br />
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- <b>George McCrae, <i>Rock Your Baby</i>.</b> Shockingly difficult to find, this was substituted for yearrrrs in apt. 680 by a ton of compilations with all the great singles from the album. I was ashamed and felt small, like my secret would one day be found out. Thanks to Cheapo Records, though, I now have the original album, complete with pensive George modeling his denim on the cover, leaning up against some wood, so bossed up I can't take it, denim on denim on denim, Levi's, classic, not like fucking Trues that all the cartoony major-label signees wear. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYs3ttE2VFA&feature=fvst"><span style="color: blue;">“I Get Lifted”</span></a> is obviously the rapdork-saliva-pumper on this album and it’s a fantastic bass-y slice of cake, a real sexy piece of work, but this means that the album’s opener, “Rock Your Baby” gets tragically overlooked (unless you are a resident of apt. 680). Bonus: George's powdery blue kit in the video shows up, years later, in Ghosty's <i>Sonny Carson/slacks baby blue, knitted sharkskin</i> line from <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkhUndrVriE"><span style="color: blue;">“Murda Goons.”</span></a> That's how music history works in my head, anyway. <br />
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-<b> Ron Carter, <i>A Song for You</i>.</b> Who's the best Isley? Marvin, because he played bass. Who was Kool & the Gang named for? KOOL, the bass player. What makes <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdizL4on-Rc"><span style="color: blue;">“Going Back to Cali”</span></a> so fucking sexually exciting and fantast--OK GUYS YOU FEEL ME. But guys, who is the finest Mos Def doppelganger who plays bass and happens to be from my future life partner Danny Brown's city of Detroit? Why it's Ron <a href="http://img15.nnm.ru/7/f/0/f/5/c8b1555c57932391c458ebd94ec.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">“None of you can fuck with this, never, ever, not even in a hundred years; I smoke a pipe and have pretty lashes”</span></a> Carter.<br />
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- <b>Donny Hathaway, <i>Come Back Charleston Blue</i> soundtrack</b>. Bought because I need every record with Donny's beautiful, doomed voice on it, and because I recognize <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkUNp__vwRM"><span style="color: blue;">“Little Ghetto Boy”</span></a> (WEXLER!) in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pem2F2Kjyd4"><span style="color: blue;">“Little Ghetto Boys”</span></a> and <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUKo3QUzn9Y&ob=av3e"><span style="color: blue;">“Lil' Ghetto Boy.”</span></a> The sequel to <i>Cotton Comes to Harlem</i>, this album was co-produced by Quincy Jones (along with Donny) and has a 1-minute interlude called “Furniture Truck,” which would later serve as inspiration for Zaytoven's beats in tribute to mundane things (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cbwsw2u3ZlA"><span style="color: blue;">“Waffle House,”</span></a> “Rubber Bands”) that take about 19 seconds to compose. Anyway, in 2012, the saga continues; I'd like you to please stay tuned for my <i>Charleston Blue</i> answer album <i>Come Back Lil ½-Dead</i>.<br />
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- <b>Return to Forever, </b><i><b>No Mystery.</b> </i>Chick Corea, Massachusetts-born, will make you feel like you can walk into the store and steal a nice pair of sharkskin slacks when this song's playing, a little thrill in your brain as you realize you're getting away with it. Plus it'll probably make your girlfriend take her dress off when you get home and put it on the hi-fi. And if your girlfriend's name is Logan, she'll start yammering on about it being an <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3GhsrO7Y-I"><span style="color: blue;">Eric B & Rakim</span></a> break. Dog, you so lucky. <br />
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<i>Cheapo Records</i><br />
<i>538 Mass. Ave., Cambridge</i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span> Large, cleanly laid out, well-lit. This is how record stores should be. Also, nice proprietors who recommended the Middle East for a good burger. </i><br />
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</span> I live 3,000 miles from it. This is actually a Pro because it means I have enough money this month to pay my rent and buy a Balenciaga bag. Bonus Con: I just said "Balenciaga bag" like I'm Pusha's girlfriend, so I am pretty corny. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">3. <b>Looney Tunes</b>: the Stupidly-Named Place Near Berklee Which Was Definitely Run By My Dad in a Previous Life.</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrtYKWMwAJk3lhQuKeKJP7YSmNKd31oHoIt9kAwzGqAmgiSwsc89h49DLsPZ-Ha9rKIPGwWIkESoYH85Rk_Eg3rbuwHAZHfw2yKNQFi4pn5EleyLk5Q5O7iN6FP9WdcFohN81F8Ynu1mCp/s1600/L1000607-2-600.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrtYKWMwAJk3lhQuKeKJP7YSmNKd31oHoIt9kAwzGqAmgiSwsc89h49DLsPZ-Ha9rKIPGwWIkESoYH85Rk_Eg3rbuwHAZHfw2yKNQFi4pn5EleyLk5Q5O7iN6FP9WdcFohN81F8Ynu1mCp/s1600/L1000607-2-600.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKxftdmGu9wA3UtYU9Fz8Xl0kFC1JRieE1tT6iauJZAQ8zlELKxcIvswtWfrVSKGOVNoW-rTx4AY1822t-KkGGRfiFajZtqkw71-AbbfFJ76FxEdqxyvgTt_49ChvQs5wcuALlBsbAOACV/s1600/L1000607-600.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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- <b>Nikki Giovanni, <i>Truth is on its Way</i>.</b> Nikki, on being an alien from Michigan, in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKBTFaan32Q"><span style="color: blue;">“Poem for Aretha”</span></a>: <b>“Strangers pulling at you 'cause they love you.</b><b>”</b> Nikki on being famous and lonely:<b> </b><b>“</b><b>Nobody mentions how it feels/To become a freak because you have talent.”</b> Well, that did it. Cue me, forking over $16.<br />
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- <b>Dr. John, <i>Babylon</i></b>, bought because, don't be silly, it's Dr. John! He's my pretend great-uncle and he's just <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rdpex8wBFr0"><span style="color: blue;">the best</span></a>. Also bought because Babylon system is the vampire - <i>I</i> know it, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb-SjlhHCIM"><span style="color: blue;">Bob knows it</span></a>, and Dr. John knows it. <br />
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<i>- </i><b>Dr. John,</b><i><b> Zu Zu Man</b></i>, bought because Dr. John is still the finest, spookiest wheezy-voiced man out of N.O. (Sorry, Lil Wheezy). And because I was raised by music-loving heathens in a weed den, when I was 5 I knew about Dr. John before I knew about <a href="http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Dr._Teeth"><span style="color: blue;">Dr. Teeth</span></a>, his Muppet inspiration, <i>despite the fact that I was a 5 year old child</i>. Thanks, Pop.<br />
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<i>Looney Tunes</i><br />
<i>1106 Boylston Street, Boston</i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span> Packed, unorganized, dark, no elbow room, great variety of genres. </i>Thissss <i>is how record stores should be. </i><br />
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</span> Not the store's fault, but I hit it at the end of a lonnnnng day of walking and shivering so I was not in top form when it came to eyeing and choosing. I only got 3 records but if I had sat down for 10 minutes, eaten something, then returned, I'm sure I would've bought 8 more. And if I had the sense to put on a scarf? </i>12<i> more, I bet. </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">4. <b>Weirdo</b>, Tiny Like Lil B's Pants. Or Is It Dwayne Carter's Pants. Or Is It Tiny Like the Size of the Lyric-Writing Center in Khalifa's Brain. </span><br />
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It turns out I don't <i>just </i>love Boston because Mitt Robotney is no longer the overlord of Massachusetts, or because of Guru's accent (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFQQeUNaZtc"><span style="color: blue;">"He might be loose in the pahhhk/Or lurkin at the train station"</span></a>) or because <a href="http://www.allmusic.com/album/r596990"><span style="color: purple;">the Pixies had a Purple Tape</span></a> just like <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angryblackguy/2962901579/"><span style="color: purple;">Rae!</span></a> I love Boston because of tiny, tiny Weirdo Records, where I found some Turkish psych and a Dilla break and some demonic fuzz. <br />
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- <b>Demon Fuzz, <i>Afreaka!</i> </b>Bought because, OK, first of all, look at that cover. LOOK AT IT. <i>Exactly</i>. It's an Etsy project photographed by David Cronenberg upon returning from lunch with <a href="http://nelsondgeorge.net/"><span style="color: blue;">Nelson George</span></a>! Now that you understand, the reasons for purchasing just get better: band members included men named Sleepy Jack Joseph, Clarance Brooms Crosdale, and Smokey Adams, who, if not jazz musicians, would've been Dungeon Family members, or supporting characters in <a href="http://www.filmbuffonline.com/FBOLNewsreel/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/UptownSaturdayNightPoster.jpg"><i style="color: blue;">Uptown Saturday Night</i></a>, or, years later, guest MCs on <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXyFYNiV-9I"><i style="color: blue;">Uptown Saturday Night</i></a>. And the name <i>Demon Fuzz</i> had two meanings, <a href="http://www.waxpoetics.com/features/articles/demon-fuzz"><span style="color: blue;">according to Crosdale:</span></a> “Devil’s children or bad policemen.” Either way: I APPROVE.<br />
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- <b>Dorothy Ashby, <i>The Rubaiyat of Dorothy Ashby</i>.</b> Fuckin rap music producers! Producers <i>love </i>this lady's records, you guys, probably because your favorite producer's favorite favorite producer Mr. Yancey (NO, NOT YOU, LUGER) made it mandatory to love her.<br />
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<div style="color: blue;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3czbF283X24">"Wax and Wane"</a></div><br />
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<i>Original compositions inspired by the words of Omar Khayyam</i>, it says on the cover of Dorothy's album. Khayyam, research tells me, was an 11th century Persian poet. <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubaiyat_of_Omar_Khayyam"><span style="color: blue;">The meaning of his poetry varies a little according to which middle-aged white man translated it</span></a>, but overall his writing appears to be a collection of soothing statements that explain the world. <i>We're here to enjoy each others' company in meadows while the sun shines</i>, the poems say. <i>Also there should be lots of wine</i>. I don't care for wine, but I like words that soothe and the fact that Khayyam was a <strike>Sufi Muslim (just like Ghosty!</strike> EDIT: Ghostface is a <i>Sunni </i>Muslim. But, really, what's the difference). A <i>rubaiyat</i>, research tells me, is a collection of poetry - quatrains that generally follow the AABA or AAAA rhyme scheme. So obviously Wiz and any Dipset blockhead would excel at this form of artistic expression. Cat/hat/sat/bat, cat/cat/cat. On a mat. <br />
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- <b><i>Turkish Freakout: Psych-Folk Singles, 1969-1980</i></b>. It's a compilation, brand new, the work's already been done for me and that's cheating, but Christ, I'm not Madlib. Wait, I'm not <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpzsP86Fvf8"><span style="color: blue;">Oh No</span></a>. WAIT, they're both equally informed about <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiqIMm93n0c"><span style="color: blue;">Turkish psych</span></a> and they both stack those Stones Throw dollars. I do not lead such a life of luxury. This lady's on a budget! All I can afford is my rent, some Balenciaga, and some not very rare, non-eBay, non-first-pressing records every now and then. Actual song title on the comp: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wleTEMcNQeY"><span style="color: blue;">“Uryam Geldin”</span></a> (“I Came Naked”). Madlib probably speaks Turkish at this point and knew that already, but I'm not ashamed to say I went right to Google Translate for the assist.<br />
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- <b>Sun Ra and his Arkestra, <i>Sleeping Beauty</i>.</b> Just like a Mormon, I <a href="http://www.publicbroadcasting.net/kuer/news.newsmain?action=article&ARTICLE_ID=1856976"><span style="color: blue;">fetishize precious objects</span></a> (gold in Mormons' case; records in mine) and store material provisions for the End Times (food and water in Mormons' case; records in mine). Nothing, <i>nothing </i>is more fetish-worthy than a handsome, musical man who was an actual space alien and brought messages from the other side; allow me to introduce you to my record collection full of bassists and MCs. Just like supreme fetish object Madlib, I do a tiny jump-up-and-down dance to myself when I find a stunning album in a store's bin. And just like Madlib scrawled <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87FDctNdUOw"><span style="color: blue;">“Door of the Cosmos”</span></a> on the side of the cave he descends into <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHte24GGHD4"><span style="color: blue;">en route to his underground bunker</span></a>, I need to leave little messages for myself around my dwelling, reminders about the power of human potential, in order to do my best work (blogging). In keeping with this, on my fridge is a list of the 7 Tenets of Mindfulness Practice because I stress too much, and <i>Sleeping Beauty</i> is on display right when you walk into apt. 680, wordlessly telling me <i>keep it spacey, life should be weird and spacey.</i> Also, <i>keep it based</i>. Sun Ra was based before #based was a thing. <br />
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- <b>Ennio Morricone, <i>Le Professionel</i> soundtrack</b>. The MIT museum was <a href="http://providencedailydose.com/2011/01/08/super-cool-new-mit-exhibit/"><span style="color: blue;">lovely, a real nerd heaven</span></a>, despite the grouchy gift shop cashier and that fact that MIT almost spells out Romney's first name. It turns out the MIT's motto is <i>Mens et Manus</i> (“Mind and Hand”), a concise rendering of the philosophical intent of the school's founders. Promote education for practical application, they proposed. Yes, I heard about that from BDP once or ten times, MIT museum, you biters. <i>Get your head and your hands to develop a solid working relationship</i> seems like it would serve you well if you were a boxer, which Jean-Paul Belmondo started as before he was beautiful and young and pretentious in <i><a href="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_larkvcPAJL1qe7a9do1_400.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Breathless</span></a> </i>and then old-ish and weathered in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9DSzGQVTTRs"><i style="color: blue;">Le Professionel</i></a>. <i>Mind and hand</i> is also a good thing to remember when you're in front of your MPC making a powerful beat to which you'd like me to walk down the street in a dress, and it's a perfect thing to remember during amorous times on the couch or in the backseat.<br />
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<i><a href="http://www.weirdorecords.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Weirdo Records</span></a></i><br />
<i>844 Mass. Ave., Cambridge</i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Pros:</span> Very sweet proprietor who found it comical I had 4 separate transactions (FOUR), because every time I thought I was done, I'd find another darling that had to come home with me. Ahaha. HA. </i><br />
<i><span style="color: #cc0000;">Cons:</span> It really is tiny inside, and </i><i>lack of space means you're at the mercy of your emotional state and the tricks of the universe when you visit (the universe might send in an annoying person who tells you “Mos Def just changed his name!” even though you don't really care and plus you already know this.)</i><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">5. <b>Newbury Comics</b>: the “I Realize It's a Boston Institution but Inside It Just Looks Like <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/bsearles/4160293726/"><span style="color: blue;">a Bunch of Red Sox Fans Took Over a Hot Topic.</span></a>” </span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">“I can be smart when it's important, but most men don't like it.” - Lorelei Lee, <i>Gentlemen Prefer Blondes</i>. <a href="http://www.mrmusichead.com/v2/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Sun-Ra-68513-30.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Musical space cadets from the future</span></a> would've liked it, though, Lorelei! Should've been more willing to accept nontraditional romantic partners, mama.</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkeVIu1HzNENxc4M1usGZXxYlkMH0h88HQP-MLwmO9oQZXONGgGpjJYijsiU2xchIAQKbu_ensEMO7aHFzVBBoQ-TpQimmKlNGjpUCuTKW9DZPmMZ4w940Aj23hx6Uk7JsB_bSmkwBQPXz/s1600/y+L1010160-4-550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkeVIu1HzNENxc4M1usGZXxYlkMH0h88HQP-MLwmO9oQZXONGgGpjJYijsiU2xchIAQKbu_ensEMO7aHFzVBBoQ-TpQimmKlNGjpUCuTKW9DZPmMZ4w940Aj23hx6Uk7JsB_bSmkwBQPXz/s1600/y+L1010160-4-550.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Don't make me chase you, Sun Ra. (Even doves have pride.) </div><br />
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</div><div style="text-align: center;">I should use my <a href="http://www.tripletsandus.com/disney/bambi/jpg/Bambi-1.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">cervine</span></a> face to get away with bad things all the time. Bank robbery, etc. </div><br />
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- <b>Sun Ra and His Arkestra, <i>Super-Sonic Jazz</i>.</b> “Super Blonde,” the liner notes say, “tells a happy story about a blonde who is just as super as someone else called super.” There's no mention of this super lady as a blonde who wears a Warner Bros. Films x screenprint machine collab t-shirt, but I'm a sucker for a happy story so I <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qg979C8PFY"><span style="color: blue;">had to have it</span></a>. <br />
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- <b>Joy Division, <i>Unknown Pleasures</i>.</b> Bought because I love depressed boys (but you knew that). I am a young, educated woman in a major city, so I am required to use the word "thrifted" to describe half my t-shirts and I <i>have</i> to love depressed boys. I am an awful, boring cliché on 2 legs. Sigh. Also bought because I can't find <i>Closer </i>- somewhere at my parents' house, maybe? - so I haven't been able to play any Joy Division when I clean the house in an inappropriate Beyonce outfit. And bought because <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGMDBppWBOo"><span style="color: blue;">“She's Lost Control”</span></a> is my theme song in my darkest, baddest, most promiscuous moments, and in my bittersweet, heart-racing, body-moving, large-eyeball-pupiled moments, oh look, there I am, dancing alone in the corner at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1Qz2x94q6A"><span style="color: blue;">the Factory on Saturday night</span></a>. Also bought because I didn't have it in my collection but I always knew I <i>should</i>, and now I do. Aw Ian. Welcome to the collection of musical ghosts that live in apt. 680. You've been placed between Christopher Wallace and Elliott Smith. <br />
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The trip winding down, I made a quick stop at Quincy Mahhket to try to make love to a not-feeling-it Red Auerbach, then mailed my records and returned home to my native sunny land. Bourdain doesn't have to worry about rent being due, but I do. <br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-6709875306217489182011-08-29T08:53:00.000-07:002011-09-05T11:33:53.755-07:00Things more interesting than popular music beefery and impending industry babies and Georgia rappers' appearances on terrible Dwayne Carter albums<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHWwxig00G2MtI3tAMNQvkxIkalE7eJgnQxceJkjlKsFqBrBV2F6jGHnWVmwJx6UUxT7nxrJQA3kS3Zz53hfyF_Hx-UUIu_eDuMHszH9G4s4tCh64WhlycucTWTxbHA9goeMfhya8w_3v3/s1600/kingofdiamonds-650.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHWwxig00G2MtI3tAMNQvkxIkalE7eJgnQxceJkjlKsFqBrBV2F6jGHnWVmwJx6UUxT7nxrJQA3kS3Zz53hfyF_Hx-UUIu_eDuMHszH9G4s4tCh64WhlycucTWTxbHA9goeMfhya8w_3v3/s1600/kingofdiamonds-650.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<b><span style="font-size: small;">•</span></b> <i>Put the paper in the panties when you get that dance</i>, goes the sign above the front door at apt. 680, just as a reminder when you enter. There's no basketball court here, unlike at King of Diamonds. There's a basketball court there, <i>inside</i>, which makes it an odd and wonderful part of the Miami naked-girl scene. <b>There's a basketball court inside King of Diamonds</b>, I said. <b>Inside.</b> This fact is thirty times more interesting to me in my life at the present time than anything Tyler says or does in, on, near, or around MTV because...hell, it's MTV. (I feel like people are kind of making fun of his mom for her emotional display, too, and I don't care for that. And did you hear there was some sort of dust-up between basic bitch Rawss and a thin white lady not named Logan?). The basketball court fact is more interesting than <i>anything</i>, really, at the present time in my life, other than wondering to myself <i>Is Curren$y's <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/CurrenSy_Spitta/status/107140264874868736"><span style="color: blue;">leg</span></a> healing appropriately?; does he need anything from me, perhaps a nice home-cooked meal and a round of Duke Nukem?</i> and <i>How in the world does Wayne keep his white Ts so clean and fresh?</i> (He seems like a sweaty person).<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: small;">•</span></b> I believe the phrase in Miami is <i>Don't stop; get it, get it</i>, correct? Anyway, I am too thin and awkward to be a nude dancing professional, but strippers and female rap bloggers are both regarded with a mixture of fear, patronization, and lust by males in our respective worlds so I feel like I'm an honorary nude dancing professional. Wayne - or, actually, the director of his video, with final approval by UMRG, all rights reserved - has some <a href="http://blogs.villagevoice.com/music/2011/08/lil_wayne_how_to_love_video.php" style="color: blue;">conflicting stripper feelings that this article sums up in a beautiful way</a>. The only important thing that I would have included in the piece is the fact that the word <a href="http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=hustle"><span style="color: blue;">hustle</span></a> actually means "to shake to and fro." The word hustle <i>actually means that</i>. And still, dudes are upset at/lusting over/giving fatherly advice to ladies using what they have to git what they want. <br />
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Also, still unclear: Wayne's feelings about <a href="http://heightfiveseven.blogspot.com/2010/12/wait-motherfucking-minute-true-facts.html"><span style="color: blue;">stripper </span><i style="color: blue;">librarians</i></a>.<br />
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<b>•</b> Just as odd and funny, but not quite as charming, is watching Internet boys discover Dwayne Carter's "recent" descent into terribleness. Energy levels are high in this regard, dudes just going crazy, dissecting all the bars, hating up a storm. I tell you it's some enthusiasm like I've never seen. They're also getting excited (in the opposite way) over Andre's verse on "Interlude," which is <i>only <a href="http://www.killerhiphop.com/lil-wayne-interlude-lyrics-tech-n9ne-andre-3000/" style="color: blue;">remarkable by default</a> </i>(due to the terribleness of the rest of the album). Everyone, <i>everyone</i>, I say, Calm down. Andre is the coolest, a real swingin cat, but if you show your hand too soon, lap up anything he gives you, he'll lose his fire and then we'll be stuck with another 5-year absence. Every night he reads me the phone book while I look at him with my chin resting in my hand but you don't see me getting all excited. I just wait til he leaves, then I write about how much I like him in my diary, and listen to his "Walk It Out" verse like it's still oh-six.<br />
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<b>• </b>Internet boy Andy Nosnitsky, you annoy frequently but you charm <i>more </i>frequently. And I have you to thank for informing me that <a href="http://phesto.tumblr.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Phesto has a Tumblr</span></a>. <br />
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<b>• This photo of Bun B exists.</b> <i>SWANGIN</i>, I hear his voice say in my head when I look at it. And as of tomorrow, <a href="http://rapradar.com/2011/08/29/houston-mayor-announces-bun-b-day/"><span style="color: blue;">Bun B Day</span></a> exists. “Way to go Bun B, it will truly be a Trill Day in Houston!,” says <a href="http://carey2.blogspot.com/2011/08/bun-b-day-in-city-of-houston-is-coming.html"><span style="color: blue;">the mayor's website</span></a>, adorably. (The mayor apparently hasn't heard B's <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQGmUzboXxc"><i style="color: blue;">Population fifty thousand, only 3 high schools, but 8 sets of low-income housing</i></a> critique, but I'm pretty sure B was talking about Port Arthur there anyway. A huge city like Houston's got to have way more than just <i>3</i> high schools, right?)<br />
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• #1 in sales/DLs at this moment: <b>“I'm On One”</b> (Khaled). Really, America? I didn't realize it was still mid-June. Best moment in the song, still: Khaled's <i>Get em uuuup</i> overlapping Stupid Jerkface Drake's <i>I'm onnn one</i> during the squiggly intro. The song is big dumb fun (<i>still</i>, even though it's no longer mid-June), and it's nice to see a Palestinian and a Jewish guy make some harmony together, quite literally. The other best moment is <i>all moments not involving the image in my head of Rick Ross bending some poor lady over in the kitchen</i>, Sweet Jesus. <br />
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</a></div>#1 at this moment in 1971 - <b>“Spanish Harlem”</b> (Aretha, age 29), produced by Jerry <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/16/arts/music/16wexler.html?pagewanted=2"><span style="color: blue;">"MORE BASS"</span></a> Wexler, AKA Production God For Whom I'd Convert to Judaism. Best part - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuT8gA9KT6I"><span style="color: blue;">piano at 01:44</span></a> (Aretha).<br />
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#1 in 2001 - <b>“Fallin'”</b> (Alicia, age 20), produced by Alicia (age 20!). Years later, these two ladies get cross-referenced in the Mos Def section of a certain bikini'd blogger's brain (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cIWu5m8UmA"><span style="color: blue;">"One Step Ahead"</span></a> as a break, and the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ST6ZRbhGiA&ob=av3n"><span style="color: blue;">"You Don't Know My Name"</span></a> video, SUH-WOOOON, DANTE, you give all shy, hardworking girls hope that dudes who don't look at us will one day look at us). <br />
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<b>• </b>I'm not a Belieber, I'm a...uhh, JerryLieberber? Hearing the original "Spanish Harlem" in the Civic yesterday <i>right when I started the engine</i> means that some sort of deity exists and he/she is a fan of pop radio just like me. Best part: the syllabic stressing, the satisfying way the words ride the beat, during the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGd6CdtOqEE"><i style="color: blue;">It is a special one, it's never seen the sun/It-only-comes-out-when-the-moon-is-on-the-run/And all the stars are gleeeaming</i></a> part. Lieber's heroic feats outside of actual music <i>making</i> include he and Mike Stoller insisting on getting producer credit on all of their work - unprecedented in the '50s music industry. <b>"Atlantic wanted to call us 'directors',"</b> he said, <b>"they said <i>they </i>were the producers because they put up the money."</b> But Jerry and Mike sealed the deal, ensuring that many years later a bikini'd lady blogger would hold Mannie Fresh in high regard for actually <i><span style="color: black;">making </span></i>the stuff that provides the soundtrack for her hustle, rather than one Bryan Williams for bankrolling it. See also: RZA rather than Steve Rifkind. <br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-62068758468326427042011-08-27T19:33:00.000-07:002011-09-01T19:41:43.033-07:00Let the inappropriate emotional attachment to my fantasy football team begin!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMd71vTJiupGvgnmfFHK_PDQxo8qM5EeUII1OTDzfUaqeTdtBCKXK5JUSlFD0-zI82_cNUVfDrBRAio-5LPotIT0SP-uJWHS0gfB8I-7-4-vrNYiFj4AoEuWRKLI6MHfZNpyAaTrPW2yZj/s1600/americasmostpunted+1-1-650.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMd71vTJiupGvgnmfFHK_PDQxo8qM5EeUII1OTDzfUaqeTdtBCKXK5JUSlFD0-zI82_cNUVfDrBRAio-5LPotIT0SP-uJWHS0gfB8I-7-4-vrNYiFj4AoEuWRKLI6MHfZNpyAaTrPW2yZj/s1600/americasmostpunted+1-1-650.JPG" /></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbNZpNO3LSUdedyTRB29_jnJFrIMLPUxz9ZTIqz_PkycdLNxO1lTbR6SSX9t7Uw8NJbPFaD9iAwIOB9IJ2GhxYyNDYPMllx60UQ3RD5o8dJ7clhA_eqsyl_gyZEJaxl2TaSqmRFxyhHrhR/s1600/americasmostpunted+roster-3-401.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbNZpNO3LSUdedyTRB29_jnJFrIMLPUxz9ZTIqz_PkycdLNxO1lTbR6SSX9t7Uw8NJbPFaD9iAwIOB9IJ2GhxYyNDYPMllx60UQ3RD5o8dJ7clhA_eqsyl_gyZEJaxl2TaSqmRFxyhHrhR/s1600/americasmostpunted+roster-3-401.jpg" /></a><br />
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</a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Why yes, Hank Williams, jr. - I <i>am </i>ready for some football. SQUAD UP:</span></div><br />
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<div style="color: red;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi577s1kGIWNFJVLQg1_rEQGawHbqEt7fyK_qnNp_mBci4PBxutAj7y8bkEbCGd4yqAPvTJvf6231C19UPBODapjjG_a59bsX5x4Fc6C6T2GWMTFwu56WHU4Ay73rn066zAEX26JsqwsymV/s1600/sanchez+FINAL-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi577s1kGIWNFJVLQg1_rEQGawHbqEt7fyK_qnNp_mBci4PBxutAj7y8bkEbCGd4yqAPvTJvf6231C19UPBODapjjG_a59bsX5x4Fc6C6T2GWMTFwu56WHU4Ay73rn066zAEX26JsqwsymV/s1600/sanchez+FINAL-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>QB: Mark Sanchez, NY Jets</b></span></div></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros: </b>USC! Not Matt Leinart! Had pretty good numbers last season, and will maybe keep improving? Maybe? I'm also told that <a href="http://www.fftoolbox.com/profiles/profile_display.cfm?player_id=9429"><span style="color: blue;">“with a few lucky bounces he could have a good (year),”</span></a> which applies to me as well as every other human being in the universe. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Con:</b> He's from Mission Viejo, and people from Orange County cannot be trusted. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwOEf05Lryk"><span style="color: blue;">People from East Orange</span></a>, however, can always be trusted (to provide the world with at least 1 life-is-wonderful heartrate-increasing soundtrack banger). </span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nods:</b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"> Aw, pumpkin! I'm so glad you asked! </span><b><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: medium;">• </span></b><span style="font-size: medium;">“JETLIFEJETLIFEJETLIFEJETLIFE, jet set/nothing less, jets fool, <a href="http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-07-20/music/currensy-spitta-weekend-at-burnies-high-productivity/"><span style="color: blue;">EAH</span></a>, where haven't we been, lames catch feelings/we catch flights, jet life/it sucks to be you...” (fade out).<b> </b></span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b>“New York City respects my game like <strike>Mark Sanchez</strike> Joe Namath” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FoPZ0PZ32w"><span style="color: blue;">Monch</span></a>. A quick Internet search also tells me that Bad Meets Evil has an actual Mark Sanchez line; however, I find all those songs so boring and therefore offensive to my ear canal that I cannot verify this information.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiN5xWzBlX5qnxMkKEqACRAy6EZa1wkJhBVmpvSoD8Y7jGX7SnKmYSXr9S_m7eWo5LcSZEdnY4ymUb65ICqLFnEvvT1dppA-F6X0qrNQrlDkLSmzuq-0Hw6bhZ_ApzNwcN6n2_Btxd5G3PH/s1600/brandon+lloyd+1-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Backup QB, <span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">although who knows, I might start him</span>: Eli Manning, NY Giants</b></span></div></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros:</b> 4,000 passing yards last year! Also, with Steve Smith gone, Eli will have <span style="color: #cc0000;">the firm-yet-flexible hands of Hakeem Nicks, even </span><i style="color: #cc0000;">more </i><span style="color: #cc0000;">ready and willing to catch for him</span>. teehee. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Cons:</b> </span><b style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: medium;">• </span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><strike style="color: black;">4,000</strike> 25 interceptions last year!<b><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b></span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"> Just super goofy looking. At least he commits to it, though - Eli's not changing his style for <i>anybody</i>, which makes him the <a href="http://grandgood.com/2011/08/24/danny-brown-discusses-his-drug-habits-failed-g-unit-deal/"><span style="color: blue;">Danny “50 didn't like my pants” Brown</span></a> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">of my fantasy team </span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b> <span style="font-size: medium;">Personality boring like peanut butter & jelly on Wonder bread, Kanye's women issues, an Ikea couch, grown men Twit-scrapping, Jay Elec's voice. (I let these gentlemen into my heart and psyche every fall; a little charisma would be nice.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nod:</b> <b>•</b> “I slam tracks like quarterback sacks from LT” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx5LpPH5fas&feature=fvst"><span style="color: blue;">Deck</span></a>. (Reference circa 1981-9, but it still counts) </span></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WR: Brandon Lloyd, <span style="color: purple;">Denver Broncos</span></b><span style="color: purple;"> </span></span><br />
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</b></span></b><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>Pros:</b> </span></b><b style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b><b style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">Pro Bowl-er; NFL's reception yards leader last year (1448).</span><b style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">He and Kyle Orton are in sync like Curren$y and…Alc? (Spitta calls him “Al.” AWW.) </span></div></div><b style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Con:</b> </span></b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;">Glamour shots.</span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: black;"><b>Team's best rap nod(s):</b> </span><b style="color: black;">• </b></b></span><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">In a few sex raps over the years, there have been mentions of individuals “throwing” the “P” or the “D” “like Elway” (you'll have to figure it out, as I am a lady and I CAN’T TYPE THOSE WORDS, teehee! Hi Mom!)<b> </b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: black;">• </span></b></span><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">“Ice cubes in my pocket; too many drive Elway style. I got this.” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4az_YTYF3s"><span style="color: blue;">Curren$y</span></a>.<b> </b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: black;">•</span></b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>“I keep it real dirty, dirty, you know how I do/Purple and gold with the Lakers, the Broncos - the orange and blue” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfzsMQGqrt0&ob=av3e"><span style="color: blue;">“Air Force Ones”</span></a> (click, grin, chair dance. 2002 pop radio magic.)</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: black;"> </span></b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>•</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: black;"> </span></b><span style="color: black;">I have it on good authority that </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOxlLJRJ2w8"><span style="color: blue;">Denver is just like Compton</span></a><span style="color: black;">.</span><span style="color: black;"> </span></span></div><br />
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<div style="color: purple;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WR: Dwayne Bowe, KC Chiefs</b></span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros:</b> <b>•</b> </span></b><span style="font-size: medium;">Pro Bowl-er </span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>Spells his first name correctly. Every time he's in Miami and sees D.Wade, Bowe's like <i style="color: #cc0000;">What's up DwYYYYane, hahahaha</i>. I like that. (Seems like Wade needs to be taken down a notch ego-wise, I'm just saying.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Con:</b> I'm an IRL Raider fan, and I fear that my IRL hatred of the Chiefs will result in me self-sabotaging when it comes to fantasy, purposely putting Bowe in some no-win situations. Why do I do the things that I do? What's going on in this head of mine? <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4URdS1dfKEw"><span style="color: blue;">More complex than an almanac</span></a>, that's me. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nod:</b> “Watching the Chiefs blow 'em out/In between Arrowhead and Suave House, no doubt” - Andre Rison (ha) on an Eightball song. I should call this “team's only rap nod, outside of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6AIKRI_XpY"><span style="color: blue;">'Queen's Gambit'</span></a> (too easy), something by Tech N9ne (nope), or a fucking Mac Miller song (which I refuse to post on here, for ethical reasons).” And because the mourning of Jerry Lieber continues in apt. 680, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbcY0qtJ1iY"><span style="color: blue;">“Kansas City”</span></a> is appropriate for the listening in this case too. It's not-rap but it's got bass and movement, and that makes it perfect for the chopping and looping. I have daydreams of its future appearance as a rap break; won't somebody please use it? </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Quotable:</b> <b>“</b>This one girl was talking to me like she'd known me for years. 'Hey, D-Bowe, how's Grandma?' I'm like, 'How do you know my grandma?'<b>”</b> - <a href="http://deadspin.com/5543081/chiefs-wr-dwayne-bowe-on-the-mechanics-of-road-beef"><span style="color: blue;">on ladies who are big, big NFL fans.</span></a></span></div><b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAeb_ewayrhh18niQLOW063yA9rqvVjsPwT2hPqyUO13S0tcjFE0zjBgwQ5xlZbI3m5JWVKx6E2b2qIPgfT_b3MsZyX4vOhVJ4QuGLGMvOwQ14rZBD2LftiNcG6VLt1eCNoMHSrKr1MvA1/s1600/maclin+FINAL-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAeb_ewayrhh18niQLOW063yA9rqvVjsPwT2hPqyUO13S0tcjFE0zjBgwQ5xlZbI3m5JWVKx6E2b2qIPgfT_b3MsZyX4vOhVJ4QuGLGMvOwQ14rZBD2LftiNcG6VLt1eCNoMHSrKr1MvA1/s1600/maclin+FINAL-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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<br style="color: purple;" /><span style="color: purple;"> </span><b style="color: purple;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>WR: Jeremy Maclin, Philadelphia Eagles</b></span></b></b><br />
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</b></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pro:</b> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/18/jeremy-maclin-cancer-scare_n_930205.html"><span style="color: blue;">NO CANCER!</span></a> Fuck outta here, death!</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Cons:</b> </span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">•</span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>Mysterious vomiting and night sweats <i>not </i>due to cancer or <i>any other ailment</i>; this man appears to be a bit of a delicate flower. </span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">• </span></b><span style="font-size: medium;">Maclin's teammates <i>must </i>call him “J Mac,” yes? Sigh. Of course they do. And I'm sure he's fine with it. Points deducted for lack of creativity and overall predictability. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's rap nod(s):</b> <b>• </b><span style="font-weight: normal;">Well, Wayne's from Eagle Street of course. “My city is New Orleans/Baby, my street is Eagle.” </span></span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>• </b></span><b><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">Tons of McNabb and Vick mentions - </span></b></b><span style="font-size: medium;">“Stay running the rock just like I play quarterback for the Eagles - Randall, Donovan, to Michael” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKOXd6BM20g"><span style="color: blue;">Gibbs</span></a>. </span></div><br />
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<div style="color: red;"><b><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1m4XSsjsBdGqyAre9UFCYFBueO1s6mhFGOzgYInHeEPmE8VtMz2Qr4GJ9lPONprRl3RegPMnuQ_gYwg5B6SWDW3nY1icLuP2D-s-bHzcMSfRBUba7NQop1Sl2bdKbBS5IIW9LnEMI4NKO/s1600/plax+2-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1m4XSsjsBdGqyAre9UFCYFBueO1s6mhFGOzgYInHeEPmE8VtMz2Qr4GJ9lPONprRl3RegPMnuQ_gYwg5B6SWDW3nY1icLuP2D-s-bHzcMSfRBUba7NQop1Sl2bdKbBS5IIW9LnEMI4NKO/s1600/plax+2-1.jpg" /></a><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
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<b><b><b><span style="font-size: large;">Backup WR: Plaxico Burress, Jets</span></b></b></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><b><br />
</b></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>Pros: • </b></span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">Built like PlasticMan (6'5", 232!!) like all receivers should be. </span><b><b><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>• </b></span></b></b></b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"> Possibly has a Dwayne-Carter-esque just-out-the-pen hunger which would result in some prolific output. </span><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><br style="font-weight: normal;" /><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>Cons:</b></span></b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">Will maybe have a Prodigy-esque just-out-the-pen hunger to overcompensate out of desperation which would result in some <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKYprr0g_4Q"><span style="color: blue;">underwhelming performances</span></a> (aw Prod. Sorry, buddy).</span></span></b><br />
<b><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>Rap nod(s)</b></span></b></b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">:</span></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"> Oh Jesus Christ, too many. So many. (Game n' Weezers) </span></span><b><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTKOX9daJE0eXk_bqdDGiCEnPsA3STjXbuWpnQRBByxuTFwyXHjx6UHUWXdEQj9RkY9eyC5_m9dEGjoBRo54faDLsJXNlfH0pfGJUvBanBwqOvTuVKzPBvhex9RNfh_mKH2bSbGLri3wQb/s1600/nelson+1-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTKOX9daJE0eXk_bqdDGiCEnPsA3STjXbuWpnQRBByxuTFwyXHjx6UHUWXdEQj9RkY9eyC5_m9dEGjoBRo54faDLsJXNlfH0pfGJUvBanBwqOvTuVKzPBvhex9RNfh_mKH2bSbGLri3wQb/s1600/nelson+1-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Backup </i>backup WR: Jordy Nelson, Green Bay Packers</b></span></b></b></div></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br />
</b></span><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><b>Pros: </b></b>“EHH” during the regular season, but “OOH” in the playoffs. Showed some fancy footwork in the Super Bowl too.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-weight: normal;"><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Con: </span></b></b><span style="font-size: medium;">I find it difficult to respect a grown man named “Jordy.” I might be able to reconcile this as the season progresses if he performs well...</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>however: </i></span></div><b><b><b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJTgjTPpbJaz9akh77W9-wAh2DzroqIufHUOaXYOXy7G3sq5eSeQwADpPF5P4p9jcu8MAyXzaXYhRPe7YwoYLzV7rWAtRFOltq1VZJy6BG-a3HAUuKfVnACzD-WrxOshuCCymo85x7fGPP/s1600/knox+FINAL-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJTgjTPpbJaz9akh77W9-wAh2DzroqIufHUOaXYOXy7G3sq5eSeQwADpPF5P4p9jcu8MAyXzaXYhRPe7YwoYLzV7rWAtRFOltq1VZJy6BG-a3HAUuKfVnACzD-WrxOshuCCymo85x7fGPP/s1600/knox+FINAL-1.jpg" /></a> <br />
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</b></b></b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;">in a shocking turn of events, it's possible that ownership could go with <b><span style="color: purple;">Chicago's </span><span style="color: purple;">Johnny Knox</span></b> as a <b><span style="color: purple;">Possible Backup WR</span></b> instead! He might get lost in the shuffle on a team that has Roy Williams and Devin Hester, but at least his name's not <i>Jordy</i>. It's an odd and powerful feeling, being a woman in LA with no team-ownership experience who suddenly finds herself able to put these guys in or take them out in a giant game of Fate, Destiny, and Met/Unmet Expectations. This must be what it's like to be Jerry Jones! Or RZA and GZA on the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiQoVv0FSKQ"><span style="color: blue;">giant Clock of Life</span></a>, taking breaks to play chess. </span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nods (NO, not that Wayne song about being a cheesehead):</b> </span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>• </b></span></b><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"> “With a knapsack of green Supreme hats/Like I was sponsored up by the fucking Packers</span><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">”</span><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"> - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20QIB6rfiW4"><span style="color: blue;">Ty</span></a>.<b> </b></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">•</span></b><span style="font-weight: normal;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">“My belt got G's on it like a Packers helmet” – not-Nicki and not-Wayne so who cares, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7QfIl3If3M"><span style="color: blue;">“Pass the Dutch.”</span></a></span></div><br />
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<b><b><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDNEmsbct4HqRNlliMVZJRUpNMKd93asCDsDqxW5H6EqYUPxIxZ5ekIHJdf5N2rkX9CFBYBCKBtJBEmn1a_8jaMLurjYM2KS15KZpFgQ6zpSWB03ma-4jLks0ZPHXJ_8_1BbYwU_bBr6__/s1600/arian+foster+FINAL-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDNEmsbct4HqRNlliMVZJRUpNMKd93asCDsDqxW5H6EqYUPxIxZ5ekIHJdf5N2rkX9CFBYBCKBtJBEmn1a_8jaMLurjYM2KS15KZpFgQ6zpSWB03ma-4jLks0ZPHXJ_8_1BbYwU_bBr6__/s1600/arian+foster+FINAL-1.jpg" /></a><b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></b></b></b></b><br />
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<b><b><b><span style="font-size: large;">RB: <span style="color: black;">YAYYY I GOT </span>ARIAN FOSTER<span style="color: black;"> ON MY SQUAD, TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!,</span> Houston Texans</span></b></b></b><br />
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<div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros: • </b>Best running back ever to exist in the universe (1600 yards last season!). <b>•</b> Here to save the world, or at least help a certain bathing-suited ladyblogger get the (fake) win every Sunday. </span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Con: </b>Say his first name out loud.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Quotable:</b> <a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1841554860"><span style="color: blue;">“</span></a></span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;"><a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/arianfoster"><span style="color: blue;">Understand the universe, you'll understand me.”</span></a> Oh good lord. </span><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nod(s): </b>None for the team specifically; I’m pretty sure the Texans have only existed in the league for like 6 months. For the <i>city </i>of Houston's rap nods, though, I suggest you visit the rap- and bathing-suit-appreciation blog HeightFiveSeven. Understand bass, you'll understand me. Understand hips, you'll understand me. </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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<b><b><b style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-size: large;">RB: Shonnnnnnnn Greene, NY Jets</span></b></b></b><br />
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<div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros: </b>He's from a place called <b><i>Sicklerville</i></b>, so how could he not be a sick fucking overachiever on the field? (Logic's not my strong suit. Hips are.) Plus Tomlinson's getting old, so Greene will be able to shine like sunlight, like gold, like my wit and charm.<b><br />
</b></span></div></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Connnnns:</b> Obvious mom and dad issues, since they decided to spell his name that way. I see this manifesting itself as some distractedness on the field.</span></div><b><b><b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlxbvi13l2yqLoTzvm9611ZZkwEoQ4tocFaHqiGjqnfckojQ1sS5r35FYLrane6WllbpLYZXqco8X7jE63vRFTJSjjy4t8t48Ml1nqwGRcNF-9dhHP6R2IMQl9DEaNz8BNDno9oLw0WUYG/s1600/benjarvus+2-1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlxbvi13l2yqLoTzvm9611ZZkwEoQ4tocFaHqiGjqnfckojQ1sS5r35FYLrane6WllbpLYZXqco8X7jE63vRFTJSjjy4t8t48Ml1nqwGRcNF-9dhHP6R2IMQl9DEaNz8BNDno9oLw0WUYG/s1600/benjarvus+2-1.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b><b><b><b><span style="font-size: large;">Backup RB: BenJarvus Green-Ellis, New England Patriots</span></b></b></b></b></div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><div style="color: black; font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros:</b> <b>•</b> 13 touchdown carries last season! <b>• </b>Nickname: “The Law Firm.” LOVE IT.</span></div></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Cons:</b> The epic name “BenJarvus” carries no weight, no special meaning. It's not a family name or anything! - his mom just liked it. <a href="http://articles.boston.com/2008-11-10/sports/29277465_1_benjarvus-green-ellis-laurence-maroney-kevin-faulk"><span style="color: blue;">I can respect that, Mrs. Green</span></a>, but it's still disappointing. </span><br />
<div style="color: black; font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nod(s):</b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Does this count? (It's my blog, so it counts):<br />
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<div style="color: #38761d;"><b><b><b><b><b><b><span style="font-size: large;">TE: Owen Daniels, Texans</span></b></b></b></b></b></b></div></div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><div style="color: black;"><b><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black;">Pros: </span></span></b></b></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black;"> <b>• </b>When healthy, he's good. When <i>healthy </i>(this hasn't happened since '08, though that season he did have over 800 yards).</span></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black;"> <b>•</b> This stupid league makes me play a tight end every week instead of a fourth receiver (which would make me much happier), but Daniels is one of the best available.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Cons:</b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">See below.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black;"> </span></span></div><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: black;"><b>Quotable:</b> <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/owendaniels/status/13991109189"><span style="color: blue;">“That shuttle launch was pretty sweet.”</span></a></span> He also enjoys reruns of <i>Rob and Big</i>, going to the gym, and staying positive - all important parts of his training regimen for the 2011 Boring-Personality-Off between himself and Eli Manning.</span><b><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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<div style="color: black;"><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Pros: </span></b></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> • </b>Decent numbers last year, and he's so young that I believe he'll only improve from this point. <b>•</b> Handles it like a grown man (“I'll get better”) <a href="http://twitter.com/#%21/NE_Hernandez85/status/34081954521415680"><span style="color: blue;">when random dudes criticize him electronically</span></a>. This type of maturity and non-bitchery is so unusual in the world as I know it; feels like dreamland.</span><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></b></b></div></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Con: </span></b></b><span style="font-size: medium;">Fantasy football sites have informed me that, due to the Patriots having another good tight end in Rob Gronkowski, Aaron's stats will suffer “because the ball is spread around so much.” TEE HEE. </span><br />
<div style="color: black;"><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Team's best rap nod, since, OK fine, “Patriotism” was kind of cheating: </span></b></b><span style="font-size: medium;">“I got the bomb; call me Tom Brady” - Ghosty, in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjBSG3Vgkrw&feature=fvst"><span style="color: blue;">that horrendous Rae song</span></a> that makes me yell <i>HOWWW does Khalil keep getting production jobs? Is it blackmail? He must have overtly homosexual photos of Dre or something.</i> (And for the record, Ghost: I'm not going to call you anything but “sir,” “god,” “darling,” “dear,” “darling dear,” “Ironman,” “king,” or “Tony.” xoxo.</span><span style="font-size: medium;">)</span><b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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<b style="color: orange;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: #741b47;">K: Nate Kaeding, San Diego Chargers</span> </span></b><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><b><b><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;"><b><b><b><b>Pros: </b></b></b></b></span></b></b></b></b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;">Can consistently and adeptly use his foot to make a football sail through the air and land square between two goal posts. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;">(I get this guy almost every year in fantasy. He’s solid if unspectacular, much like his rap equivalent...umm, Elzhi? Skyzoo? Royce? I don't know. Somebody help me here.) </span><b><b><b><b><b><br />
</b></b></b></b></b></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><b><b>Cons: </b></b></b>Has the unfortunate appearance of a weakling. Is Nate anemic? He just <a href="http://www.topnews.in/files/images/NateKaeding.preview.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">looks super feeble</span></a>; I kind of feel like<i> I</i> could black his eye out even though I have arms like Mr. Burns'. <b><b><b><br />
</b></b></b></span></div><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nod:</b> “I might charge through San Diego with the bolts on my shoulder/Rock the Trailblazer warm-up, 'cause Portland gets colder” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3htX0BBKgDo"><span style="color: blue;">Fabolous</span></a>. Nice to hear a song from Loso about menswear rather than yet another one about ladies' shoes and purses. </span><b><b><b><br />
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<b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros:</b></span><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium; font-weight: normal;">Lawrence <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwjILuYiBuY"><span style="color: blue;">“I breaks it down to the bone gristle”</span></a> Taylor has a fondness for powdery stimulants and sex professionals, but nobody can dispute his skill as a player. His <a href="http://espn.go.com/classic/s/moment001118lt-theismann.html"><span style="color: blue;">competitive spirit</span></a> still permeates the Giants' defensive line to this day (in my head), though he hasn't played since the '90s. As far as the current roster goes, all I feel the need to say is <a href="http://www.giants.com/team/roster/Prince-Amukamara/fdbcfb4b-7835-4fc1-995c-52ee36409fea"><span style="color: blue;">PRINCE AMUKAMARA</span></a>. Nigerians are <a href="http://heightfiveseven.blogspot.com/2010/09/odds-are-my-fantasy-team-will-render.html"><span style="color: blue;">good at </span><i style="color: blue;">everything</i></a>.</span></b></b></b></b></div><br />
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<div style="color: #bf9000; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><b><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Backup DEF: Detroit Lions</b></span></b></b></div><br />
<div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Pros:</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>Other than Ndamukong Suh, I'm not sure. But </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Baltimore, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, Philly, and Chicago are all taken</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> - what am I supposed to do, other than back this defense with love, affection, and a few prayers to the NFL gods on Saturday night before I lay my head down and go to sleep? </span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Team's best rap nods: </b></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>•</b></span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><b> </b>“Looking like Barry Sanders/So Icey flex game” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g6lHQ5qkwk"><span style="color: blue;">Waka</span></a>. <b> </b></span><b><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">•</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"> “A city full of Tommy Hearns thumpers/Grant Hill hoopers, Barry Sanders runners, stunners” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUbuWPB97No"><span style="color: blue;">Royce</span></a>. At first I was mad at various other Michigan rappers (ahem, GUILTY S.) for not mentioning their home team in verse, but then I realized that the Lions were terrrrrrrible during most of those guys' young-man-hood. You're forgiven, gentlemen.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> <b><span style="color: black;">•</span></b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></b>“Like chocolate candy you will break/Running back, Detroit Lions, with an ill fake” - Keith, in Ultramag's “Super Spellbound.” </span></div><div style="color: black; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b></b></span></div><b><b><b><b><b><b><br />
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</b></b></b></div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-34686489267201219942011-08-24T06:02:00.000-07:002011-08-28T22:41:10.481-07:00Oh word: I would (still) very much like to do a song with Curren$y, please<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilCWhxIsBtv_YGWgmaFD_fbv7dTVAlDT-gVu6gOHeNP3u8315YMuz0wJ3KEYMXuaq8Wm4ki1bVKOmr-ypT0fTtgL5ouk9jBr9mLz7mhec7bgpKPljej4kLHgCdmfiqzv02WA2Itlq0Skrw/s1600/curren%2524y+15.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilCWhxIsBtv_YGWgmaFD_fbv7dTVAlDT-gVu6gOHeNP3u8315YMuz0wJ3KEYMXuaq8Wm4ki1bVKOmr-ypT0fTtgL5ouk9jBr9mLz7mhec7bgpKPljej4kLHgCdmfiqzv02WA2Itlq0Skrw/s1600/curren%2524y+15.JPG" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Beth Gibbons and I are doing a song together. I decided this, daydreaming at work today. Beth and I are going to make a song, or maybe even a whole freaking album together, since we both have hair the color of sunshine and we're both <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEQNAZGoZrw"><span style="color: blue;">in love with bass</span></a>. That's enough, right? We should create things together and put those things on the Internet, right? It doesn't matter that one of us was born to make music and one of us is terrible at making music, I hope, because that would really put a damper on things.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>6. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMqHcqnq3pE"><span style="color: blue;">“Surface to Air”</span></a> <i>(How Fly)</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</span></b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i>Not Michael Jackson, I ain't feeling these kids/and you hatin', such a shame that's where your energy is/I'm in a Gfizz flying, leave your bitches with the planes, now she sky diving, hella vibin'/And your hating adds just more steam/More chips, now I'm living more Rothstein.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Lieber and Stoller wrote timeless stories set to melody in 15 minutes, smoking and pacing around the room, tossing out lyrical snippets to each other. Smoke DZA can say <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-97vJTEezrM"><span style="color: blue;">RIIIIIIIGHT</span></a> over a beat and I'll listen to it on a loop in my Civic for at least a half hour. My point is that making songs that please the people is quite a reachable goal when you were obviously born to do it and don't try to force things if you <i>weren't</i> born to do it. Ahem. Thank you. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, outshining Wiz:</span></b> <i><b>Mike Jackson raps make me yawn, you're a Boy who's Badly Drawn/I'm sick of you, vamoose, sail the fuckin Dead Sea/I'm hoi polloi, you're a pig who's bourgeoisie/Eat some brie, drink some chablis/Your high times ain't nothin compared to <a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2299544/pagenum/all/#p2"><span style="color: blue;">Prodigy in his bucket, flyin on PCP</span></a>/Your career's over, I heard your label reneged/Your utter lack of substance means you're just an image - JPEG.</b></i></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Then something about twinkletoes and my heart breaking. My style's derivative - I've obviously been too influenced by Nickatina and Cellski plus a little G Rap and that fucking supa dupa flow that I despise, and overall I need a better grasp of my identity as a narrator in song. Still, I put the lyrical hurting on em and <i>man I'll never quit</i>. The game needs me too badly.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </i>I come around and fools' careers are just <i>done </i>- folding in on themselves like the house at the end of <i>Poltergeist</i>. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</span></b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i>Kicked up sittin' behind a mahogany desk, crumblin erb just as Big Boi and Andre would suggest/Flow sick need a check up, flow sick that's how I got my checks up/Bad bitches gold diggin' lame n---s out a trip to foreign places, or bracelet or necklace/Then slide through the set and fuck the Jets cause she respect us/You think you got a winner, but you don't I bet she let us (lettuce)/Pickles, tomatoes, onions, mayo, mustard, and ketchup...the works.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">E-40 set the standard for condiment raps with the claaaaaaassic “<a href="http://media.photobucket.com/image/vogue%20tires/joeg40/2prongs.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">Mustard and mayonnaise</span></a> smokin up at the sky light/You can't touch my Vogues, baby bye-bye.” That one was delicious and left my tummy/heart/soul feeling satisfied. Curren$y's verse is about girls acting wrongly and it's somehow wrapped up in a metaphor about hamburger toppings, but the whole freaking thing works because <i>OutKast works</i>, always. Everyone loves OutKast. My landlady loves em. My mailman too. Your 4th-grade teacher. David Stern, Alex Trebek. My future husband, my mom. Me and you. Your mom. And your cousin too, of course. <i>Everyone loves OutKast,</i> the kittens/ice cream/pizza/free money of the music world. In case you're reading this, future husband: I'm ending my wedding vows with <i>Power music/electric revival</i>. Also I'd like you to constantly tell me I'm <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXmqauitBkM"><span style="color: blue;">fine as all outdoors</span></a>. Thanks in advance! I LOVE YOU, BABY. XOXO.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>7. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqlOT2JAmEY"><span style="color: blue;">“Car Service”</span></a> (<i>How Fly</i>)</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</b> <b><i>Clear the runway, baby/I get money from Sunday to Sunday, lady/Oh behave, I'm young, rich, famous/Grinding, keep my pockets on Schwarzenegger/OG in my Swisher so my blunt taste flavored, don't it?/Ya'll n---s can get if you want it/Tryna catch a flight?/I'm in the back seat playing X Box, car service just chillin'/Burners in the wall, money all through the ceiling.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">THIS GUY. These are the words of a professional musician, above - and if you're not outraged, <i>you're not paying attention</i>. Writing composition experts weigh in; regarding style, Toni Morrison said, “The language must not sweat.” (She's talking about effortlessness.) </span><span style="font-size: medium;">And then there was that time adjunct English professor D. Dumile said most MCs are “rusty like oxidation, in the world's most strangest, most dangerous occupation.” This is just a nicer, though no less correct, description of industry persons' shortcomings that Big L and Kool Keith have revealed to my innocent ears over the years, except don't forget to add that everyone's got AIDS, according to L, and they all want Keith's autograph according to Keith. </span><span style="font-size: medium;">And I believe it was Logan the Shy Bathing-Suited Sex Kitten Comedian who said, after trying to come up with something nice to say because that's how her mom raised her, “Wiz has a lovely smile. He really does. It is <a href="http://www.thehumblebeez.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/wiz-khalifa-2.jpg"><span style="color: blue;">unselfconscious and genuine.</span></a> But he should take notes from other weed-loving duos who constantly have adventures together - Jay and Silent Bob (Bob stayed silent because he could not rap), and Meth and Red (they <i>both </i>learned how to rap and be charming, understanding that it's not fair for one dude to always be the heavier lyric</span><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;">al </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><strike style="color: black;">Spitta</strike> hitta).” </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, upsetting Wiz immensely: </b><b><i>Ball til I fall, make that dollar holler/If it don’t make dollars, blah blah stickin up white boys on ball courts/Pockets on stun, consumption on conspicuous/401k on a hundred thousand million jillion/</i><i>I'm leaving Warner Bros. for good this year, not enough artistic freedom/Just kidding, I'll never leave, they're my meal ticket/Plus I know Warren Buffett - the </i></b><b>real <i>Warren Buffett/He owe me a hundred favors.</i></b> </span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">See, I can do it too. When it comes to luxury raps, I'm nowhere near Janye's level - but I can certainly outdo a kid from Pittsburgh wearing some Converse, with his language sweating all over the place. </span></div></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y: </b><b><i>Bitches freeze in the Xenon headlights like a deer/But not out of fear, she looking 'cause it's money over here/Shine from above these land lovers I'm a chandelier/My girl gotta pocket bubbler in her purse/She keep it G and pack the bowl with weed and let me hit it first/Ain't tryna be a hog, doggy - all I want is what I'm worth.</i></b> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">“It's not a guarantee that I will like your songs just because you make a reference to girls being like deer, sweet and gentle forest creatures,” said the lady with eyes that always get commented on (by fucking cops) and give her the appearance of a fawn in the forest, “But it helps.” This is <span style="color: #cc0000;">critical bias on the part of the blogger. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>8. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cm0fAxkNWqc"><span style="color: blue;">“Glass House,”</span></a> with Big K.R.I.T. (<i>Kush & OJ</i> mixtape; produced by ??? - Jerm? Sledgren? K.R.I.T.?) </b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</span></b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i>Just by the smell it's obvious/That my connect come from Cali/I'm good long as the money piling up/All the while I'm just quick lane pimping, big jane twisting/Walking how I talk it, bitch that's Pittsburgh pimping. </i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The three things that should bother me most about this affair - the presence of Wiz, the presence of Curtis Mayfield, and the song's theme of girls needing to perform sexually in order to hang out in a <i>fucking incredible</i> car - are blissfully offset by the fact that '09 Wiz was still tolerable, that the Curtis break is used in a pretty fashion, and the fact that I got over gender roles in song lyrics a long time ago and am much happier now that I know that lyric life is not real life (or trife life, for that matter; word life.) Curren$y's verse starts it off, and all is as it should be as we head into the hook. There's a dumb Wiz detour next, and then our Mississippi rep walks in and calls 808 a southern mating call and you know I love that. K.R.I.T.'s an ass guy, clearly, and that's OK with me, because nobody said you can't be an ass guy and also a sensitive guy (my dream combo, duh). What is also OK with me is that K.R.I.T. <i>says </i>he'll push my hand away from the buttons in his Cutty unless I take my dress off, but without his friends around he's pure sweetness. (A man who writes <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqvvWl6tYBw"><span style="color: blue;">a tribute to riding around in the car and listening to music with his dad?</span></a> That's a sensitive individual.) Oh and that hook, that <i>hook!</i> It's a sing-along-in-the-Civic beauty! When I first heard it, I thought it was Pimp C asking me if I wanna rest my ass in this glass house. It's not, but man do I wish it was. I wish it was. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan:</b></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">A re-jacking of Wiz's jacking of Cam's technique (</span><span style="font-size: medium;">“</span><span style="font-size: medium;">I take this word and say that same word again 1 bar later and that's my verse, doggy</span><span style="font-size: medium;">”<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span></span><span style="font-size: medium;">), I'd have to start off with <i><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEfkdnx1zUs"><span style="color: blue;">Meth was Mary's Noah; Mary was his wiz</span></a>/Nipsey Russell played the Tin Man in that movie called </b></i></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>“</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i><b>The Wiz.”</b> </i></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>(</i>The song wou</span><span style="font-size: small;">ld be called </span><span style="font-size: medium;">“Divine Mathematics,” obviously. And Wiz should join Dipset, obviously, because he'd fit right in. He's a long-lost cousin of J.R.'s, and he has to box Vado in the backyard before every tour stop to decide who gets to sit next to Jonesy on the bus.) Later in the song, I address Wiz directly with<i> <b>Don't wanna read your book, won't look at your brochure/I can name 2 terrible rappers named <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiz_Khalifa"><span style="color: blue;">Cameron</span></a> who should go on the 'Rappers Named <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cam%27ron"><span style="color: blue;">Cameron</span></a> Are Terrible' Tour</b></i><b>.</b> I'm planning on performing it at SXSW, and I'm also planning on the crowd loving it. I am planning on opening for Danny Brown as well, and when he does “Monopoly” I'll yell along with him into the mic when he gets to the <i>Fuck you and your tough talk/When I monopolize I throw your ass off the Boardwalk </i>part. (My hair gets all messed up but I don't care.) </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">* </span>5 year old reference, but please. I can't imagine he's changed much, flow-wise.</span></i><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</b><b> <i>I chill with all that baller fishing/You fucked around and you caught a shark/Cold hard, tear your feelings apart/I'm more focused on getting my rims powder-coated/One of the dopest, I'm Schedule I/You just ibuprofen, what is you smoking?/Them bogus growers, they got you choking.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Some things are boring until you dig a little deeper. “The San Diego Chargers agreed to contract terms with defensive end Corey Liuget today,” <a href="http://bleacherreport.com/articles/792187-chargers-first-round-pick-corey-liuget-signs-four-year-deal-will-report-to-camp"><span style="color: blue;">a sports site</span></a> told me a couple weeks ago. Yeah yeah, terrific, so what. Several hours later, however, sports talk radio told me “The San Diego Chargers signed defensive end Corey LEGIT today.” IT’S PRONOUNCED LEGIT! COREY LEGIT. He therefore has the perfect SODMG associate/MMA fighter name, and <i>that </i>is not boring in the slightest. And in this verse Curren$y's talking about ballernomics, rims, narcotics; but dig a little deeper, and you can appreciate that Schedule I mention, and that shark mention (an obvious nod to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkb9oZJrmdA"><span style="color: blue;">Nickatina</span></a>).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>9. “Weed Brownies” (that Big Sean mixtape; Big Jerm)</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</b> <b><i>Eat champagne and lobster cause I fucking deserve this shit/<span style="color: red;">N---s say I’ve got an old soul</span>/Well, I tell them that I’m here, muthafucka/And I made it cause my flow cold.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Aw damn, I let things bother me too much. The flows, beat selection, and clothing choices of men who exist in my headphones and on my computer screen - I take it too seriously, like it's a gamble. I do. Sigh. Now that that's been established: <b>NOBODY SAYS WIZ HAS AN OLD SOUL.</b> Has anybody ever said that about Wiz? NO. They have not. In the category of other things I’m supposed to believe that insult my intelligence: Dre drives a Chrysler, Em drives a Chrysler, and Timberlake is a HUGE Leonard Cohen and Mantronix fan.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkbgydtyzjvn-a5RAv8b_V5ZE0FahAUR70yR9jiAmbQfRdK3GvDjHkA1x1cNUdmBxByV9FPsWx9YiCJuPIRcP38cmIG2iQRSMJNi0xku_g1kAC_iqqJLwmwY6PPoGdkADaaI6fJyHbkko8/s1600/justin+mila-3-604.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkbgydtyzjvn-a5RAv8b_V5ZE0FahAUR70yR9jiAmbQfRdK3GvDjHkA1x1cNUdmBxByV9FPsWx9YiCJuPIRcP38cmIG2iQRSMJNi0xku_g1kAC_iqqJLwmwY6PPoGdkADaaI6fJyHbkko8/s1600/justin+mila-3-604.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">JT, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzgODI4osy4"><span style="color: blue;">king of the beats</span></a>. <i>Elle</i>, August 2011. </div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I <i>might </i>toss it to one of you guys since I don't have an authoritative voice when it comes to weed high jinks. But if put on the spot, I just go to my old stand-by topics of Doom, making fun of dudes' gear if it's overly fancy, and maybe something from that day's RSS feed about non-rap? <b style="color: #cc0000;"> </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, easily making Wiz look foolish: </b><b><i>I don't know Mary Jane, but I'm told she'd make my <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhreCLlcq3Q"><span style="color: blue;">heart sing</span></a>/Wiz, you so skinny, on that steady diet of nothing/Something something, Minor Threat, ... ________ </i></b><i>(line that expresses <a href="http://pitchfork.com/news/43555-entourage-plays-minor-threat-song-legally/"><span style="color: blue;">my disappointment about this</span></a> although really, why should I even care since nothing's sacred)</i><b><i>/You're screaming at a wall, you're broke, you got no ends/Your whole style garbage, Wiz you need to make amends/Prepster I'm just playing when I says I likes your Land's Ends/Doomsy and me and Vast, we're <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgI_H4JNUqA"><span style="color: blue;">super friends</span></a>.</i></b> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: left;"><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">All I have are punchlines at this point. Punchlines galore. So many punchlines that I'm ready for my YMCMB contract. (“HOOKS IS EXTRA” - Dumile.) </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</b> <b><i>I'm outta here, stratosphere/Paper hella straight, nappy hair/Bitches seem not to care that you were even there/When we pulled up, lit like Times Square/When we pulled up, lit like road flares/When we pulled off, them hoes disappeared/Because they know what we be doing over here/She just wanna be high in her underwear/With her iPhone plugged in the wall, power outlet/Stepping out the shower, threw her a shirt to towel off with. </i></b> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I am jealous of Curren$y's girls, who do nothing but lounge around, smoke and take their clothes off, and this is enough to get them mentioned in song. ME ME ME, why can't this be me? I have excellent references and I'm a hard worker <i>and </i>a people person, I said during my interview for the position of “song girl/lyric muse.” It did not go well. I was politely informed I need to gain 10-12 lbs, dumb it down a little bit, and stop cracking jokes (let Curren$y shine). </span><b><i><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>10. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=034FoeoeZYw"><span style="color: blue;">“Super High (remix)”</span></a> (<i>Smoke Fest</i> mixtape)</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</b> <i><b>From the smell, and by what I paid, you know it's good/Them n---s with me? They from the hood/Now we through parties in the sky, I'm on the 42nd floor, now that's super high/Champagne, more paper planes than you can fly/Them young n---s fell soon as they tried/When the paparazzi flash, I'll be counting all this cash/Plotting a million about how I can build a mountain out of hash.</b></i></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Good/hood, sky/high/fly/tried, cash/hash. Before WK goes to a writing sesh, he throws on his Chucks and touches a plaque on his wall for good luck, like the Tree of Hope at the Apollo. <i>ALL SEUSS EVERYTHING</i>, it says on that plaque. <i>TALK TO YOUR AUDIENCE LIKE THEY READ AT THE FIRST-GRADE LEVEL</i>. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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</a></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan:</b> Pass; I respectfully decline. (I like the beat too much to denigrate it with my awful flow. JESUS, WHAT A BEAT AND I'M <i>STILL </i>NOT SICK OF IT; EXCELLENT JOB, CLARK KENT). Here's what I'm tossing around for the next song I'm doing with Beth, though:</span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">- <i>She like them boys with the big ol chains/Ridin round town in a big ol Rrrrrange.</i> I still love this, unfortunately. I turn it up every time. Goddamn you, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnKB8D2sDzw"><span style="color: blue;">Power 106</span></a>.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">- “Listen, hot shot - 355,000 Californians have medical marijuana cards/And about 1,000 of them are in my family, living in my apartment complex,/Standing behind me in line at Vons, next to me on the freeway,/Delivering my mail, changing the oil in my Civic, and ringing me up at CVS.” It's my ol' “battle raps in the parking lot of my brain” daydream again. (I'll make it rhyme, promise.) </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">- “Fuck Wiz, I funk with the young prince </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abu_Bakr"><span style="color: blue; font-size: medium;">Abu buck</span></a><span style="font-size: medium;">”</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> - Lil B, </span><span style="font-size: medium;">“</span><span style="font-size: medium;">Look Like Muhammad.” I need to use this in a song somewhere, or at least make reference to it.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">- Danny Brown being the long lost member of Funkdoobiest and his use of Prince iconography. Need to use this somewhere too. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">- Google making me smile by suggesting <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubvYQxTXO3U"><b style="color: blue;"><i>Bobby Hebb</i></b></a> when I typed <i><b>Bobby Heb</b></i> (on my way to <b>“Hebert,” whose jersey Curren$y is pictured in, above</b>). Google, I like having you around. You’re my boyfriend when my other boyfriend is out of town, and when my girlfriend is busy, and when my other <i>other </i>boyfriend is acting dumb.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</b> <b><i>Don't front, you in the back of a long line/Trying to get in, cause only members inside/Trees get twisted up like fingers in gang signs/Purple Kushions broke my fall, I fell from a grapevine/Super high, from the free throw line, I'm/Drexler status, glide the espionage/Many a jealous eyes scrutinize the wise/But the Jets in the house like the curtains and the blinds/It hurt to see me shine, that's why they frowning all the time/In they Internet videos, digital CB4s.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“I just found out that Hi-C did Gusto's raps in <i>CB4</i>. Now I feel dumb that I didn't know that! I <i>did</i> know that Drexler was from New Orleans, though, so I feel like I'm still the nerd champ.” - me in the studio with the Jets and the Jet hangers-on and the Jet caterers and the Jet shoe-shiners, about to be kicked out for not taking my shirt off and for talking too much out of nervousness. I'll never achieve “song girl/lyric muse” status. Time for me to start coming to terms with that. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">11. “Rollin Up” (How Fly)</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</b><b><i> Me and Spitta, spend a grand at the bar/Buying drinks for my n---s/Hoes selling they souls just to be with us/On the road with winners, champions/Ride smoking weed to myself the only reason they stress/Because I'm on the level you can't be in/And I flick the middle finger to fake friends/We live like when the loyalty is strong you can't bend.</i></b></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Goodness gracious, Wiz's life has more plots than a graveyard! So many twists and turns! OH WAIT. No. That's not true at all, is it. This is just another verse about his friends and their shoes, getting high and staying that way for as long as possible, and people being upset with them. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan:</b> </span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: medium;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i>My shoes are pretty, ooohhh I'm Loubie'd out/I got enough enemies, I need a buddy or three/Time's too expensive, Ice Cube's my cousin/You'll only see me naked if you own a copy of </i>Both Sides of the Brain/<i>Just listened to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVUvbAfCUUo" style="color: blue;">“Cyberpunks”</a> today; yeah I do that every couple weeks/What a fucking space cadet dreamboat, Jesus Christ I love Del so much.</i></b> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">No plot, no characterization. I also didn't include any actual <i>rhymes</i>, since I spent less than a minute composing it. But mine has a Del mention- top <i>that</i>, WK. Also, WK: “Fuck outta here”/“You better get a goddamn job” - <a href="http://rapradar.com/2011/08/01/new-music-heltah-skeltah-otis-g-mix/">Rock & Sean P, August 2011</a>. (I could also maybe add “I feel the pain of everyone/Then I feel nothing” - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQZmrdwK7YM"><span style="color: blue;"> Mascis</span></a>, earlier today, on stupid ol' pop radio that plays a gem or two sometimes. There now, see? Aren't 10 simple yet effective words better than a hundred useless, braggy ones from Wiz?) </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</b> <i><b>Yeah, jets n---a, As if I had to say it: Spitta/In the middle of every bad bitches playlist/iTunes banging from my hotel room/Nothing but beats bitch/Fuck it when I die I could sleep bitch/My momma need a bigger crib so I need this money, G/King Kong ain't got shit on me/My face is a coupon - I don't know them but they know me. </b></i></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Pedestrian compared to some of his best stuff, but this verse is still fresher than those of the last dozen men with microphones I've heard, plus he gets residual credit for the knots n racks n bands lifestyle picture he paints in “Elevator Musik.” It's still haunting/pleasing me (<b><i>Think I gave my last hundred to the fuckin valet/Good evening, Mr. Jackson/I mean good morning, shit/Dang</i></b>).</span></div></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
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</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-29840220338048333642011-08-23T20:34:00.000-07:002011-08-25T07:52:52.887-07:00Oh word: I am qualified and would very much like to do a song with Curren$y, please.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i731.photobucket.com/albums/ww314/HeightFiveSeven/Height%20Five%20Seven/HFS%20June%202011/curreny13-2-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i731.photobucket.com/albums/ww314/HeightFiveSeven/Height%20Five%20Seven/HFS%20June%202011/curreny13-2-600.jpg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i731.photobucket.com/albums/ww314/HeightFiveSeven/Height%20Five%20Seven/HFS%20June%202011/wizrooftopscloud-1-600.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“How come the things that make us happy make us sad?” asked golden-voiced philosopher Frankie Beverly. His question was in response to unstoppable rap machine Curren$y putting out song after song with Wiz Khalifa. “Well, it seems to me,” Frankie said, “that joy and pain are like sunshine and rain.”</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sigh. Yes, Frankie. YES. It seems that way to me, too. Like every young lady with a computer and a working pair of ears, I love Curren$y. I hate Wiz. They keep doing songs together, and that's a zig-zag-y journey through the joy and pain regions of my brain. (It's also a Zig Zag journey, of course! teehee.) I'm not an MC, but since I can stand upright and speak basic English, I am pleased to announce my impending fame, including but not limited to being on the cover of <i>Smooth!</i> and getting a fake naked girlfriend for promo purposes. I'm told I should also have a likeable personality, which, OK, done, and get close with some <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stargate_%28production_team%29"><span style="color: blue;">cheesy Nordic producers</span></a> which, oh dear, will take a little bit of work. Have faith, though - in a month or two I'll be skyping Curren$y while Antwerp-bound which sounds dirty but it's not. </span></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>1. “Rooftops,”</b> from <i>Rolling Papers</i> (produced by Big Jerm) </span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz, signed and rich (richer than me, anyway, and to me that's rich):</span></b> <b></b><i><b>And they say they ballin', but I do it how the pros do/Where we goin' next week I let my hoes choose/No socks and my boat shoes/Guess a n---a eatin' good like Whole Foods. </b></i></span><i><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Wiz's butter lyrics over, uh, word cloud grits?</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>D</i><i>o, choose, shoes, Foods</i>. Seuss raps. When done correctly, in a New York accent (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY-HRfwKzAE"><span style="color: blue;">AUDIO TWO</span></a>) or in a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVOaze-Tx9g"><span style="color: blue;">Louisiana</span></a> accent (<i>White carpet in my Scarface house/No undergarments on my Scarface spouse</i>), it's rap perfection. Rapfection. When not done well, it's Wiz. I simply cannot explain this phenomenon, nor do I care to try, because then I'd sound like a Pitchfork writer and they never post pictures of themselves in bathing suits so they are losers.</span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, unsigned/poor, Moleskine full of rhymes: </span></b><i><b>Somethingsomething much- ballyhooed/Don't know what I like more - <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fNtipp5RLs"><span style="color: blue;">devil's pie</span></a> or devil's food/Blah blah, Premier's a porn fiend, plus he got hops & barley 'cause it's home brewed/</b>...</i>uhhhh<i>...<b>Tell the driver to fire up that Marley, I wanna hear some “Mellow Mood”</b></i><b>-?</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">I'm sure many of you out there could get loose over the beat, go in a completely different direction than me, use that sad horn as punctuation for a tale of a break-up or a death instead of this lowest-common-denominator drivel I have presented here (porn, beer, cake, A/A rhyme scheme). But this is a copy-Wiz exercise and it therefore needs to be <i>as mindless as possible</i>. Other than the part where I made Premier into a craft-beer specialist, what?, I promise you that no creative juices flowed in the composing of this verse (which took me about 14 seconds). Everybody likes being high? Well then, put it in your verse! Everybody knows fresh-faced mid-'60s Studio One rocksteady Marley was the best Marley? <i>It goes in the fuckin verse!</i> Also, you'll notice that the term “Marley” works in 2 ways here, which just shows that when I really apply myself for 14 seconds I can come up with some lyrical blasts to your freaking head. Oh my lorrrrd, I am absolutely killing<i> </i>it. Wiz, you ain't got no job security.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y, diminutive rapstar millionaire:</span></b> <b><i></i></b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i>You n---s ain't help us - on second thought, you did/The hatin' was the fuel for this shit.</i></b></span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: black; font-size: medium;"><b>JETLIFEFOOOOOLLLLAHTEIHIQ#N+*HMM7LLFH9Y%ILEH5NFU*^7WEHR.</b> I get excited and my fingers get all quivery! CAN'T TYPE! TOO EXCITED.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> Anyway, it's JET LIFE, now, tomorrow, <i>always</i>, goddamn you if you're not on board with this, jet life forever and ever amen, so “fuel” works 2 ways here. His verse is unremarkable, but that's ok; you've heard his voice, right? (This might be a girly thing; forgive me). Plus he's got that accent, the star of every damn one of his songs (even when it's not a song, it sounds like a song 'cause his way of speaking is so sing-songy. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBgI5j0wUP0"><span style="color: blue;">Conversationally</span></a>, he's a musical genius.) He sneaks in a “whoadie,” which he rarely does and that is so weird to me, because if I were from N.O. I'd say it all the time <i>just because I could</i>. The hell do people from Pittsburgh say? NOTHING. They have no slang because nobody cares what they say, or what they do, or the shoes they wear, or how they feel about things.</span></div><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>2. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1kxuH2PvHw"><span style="color: blue;">“Dot Dot Dot,”</span></a> </b></span><span style="font-size: large;">from some upcoming mysterious mixtape creation, with Big Sean (produced by Big Jerm)</span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</span> <i>King size papers, king size bed/N---s blow money but I'd rather keep mine instead/Roll something n---a, blow something/Say you're ballin out of control/Let a n---a hold something.</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, better than Wiz:</span></b> <b><i>Earl Stevens calls it gouda, I was raised to call it 'bread'/got so much I retired, hired Doom to read me the phone book, somethingsomething... Rosebud the sled/Butterflies in my tummy, drinking tea, lying in bed/</i></b>...uhhhhhm, fuck this is rather difficult. <b><i>You must be outta your head if your system ain't up to <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRzRSCRZweY"><span style="color: #cc0000;">the red</span></a></i> (?)</b>.</span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I don't know, maybe I'm not as good at this as I thought. I start to plagiarize, my brain just pulling out random lines I remember and love from the rap years '97 or '03, and then <i>Citizen Kane</i> was on AMC the other night. I'm easily influenced. And <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1kxuH2PvHw&feature=player_detailpage#t=20s"><span style="color: blue;">those drums</span></a>, so pretty and Black-Milk-esque!, they cloud my thoughts. I can't focus on telling the story. But go easy on me, please. Be nice. I'm just starting. You'll note, however, that even though I'm no good I'm still a heavier hitter, lyrically speaking, than Wiz. I'm also a heavier hitter in literal terms, because even though my hip bones stick out a little, I probably outweigh WK, rap's Skeletor, by about 15 lbs. I thought weed was supposed to be an appetite stimulant. </span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</span></b> <i><b>It has been said I keep one rolled up like LL’s pants leg/Full of life in this bitch, though I may seem half-dead/Trust me, I’m cool/I just ain’t talking to you.</b> </i></span><span style="color: red; font-size: large;"> </span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Critical bias on the part of the blogger:</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> this man's words speak to me. He's looking right at me as he says this. Except for the pant leg part, it's a summary of me interacting with every LAPD officer at Starbucks downtown (2nd and Central; COPS LOVE ME and it is a terrible burden with which I have been saddled). Trust me, officer; I'm cool. I'm way cool. Thanks for holding the door for me but I'm not interested in chatting and I never <i>ever</i> talk like this because I am a lady but I'd just like you to know <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Hl3ZeKDbh0"><span style="color: blue;">I don't fuck with pigs, dog (Muslim)</span></a>, you have a great day now. </span></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. </b></span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_1150863676"><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><b>“</b></span><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;"><b>Flowers</b></span></a><span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tTz01Fz5YA"><span style="color: blue;">”</span></a> </b>(that mixtape with Big Sean; Big Jerm)</span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</b> <b><i>How the fuck could you hate this/Half of these people aint real, n---s shape shift/That's why I’m smoking OG til I’m weightless/Yeah and my homies are Taylor Gang/We rolling up papers and yeah of course they gon hate/But fuck what they say, 'cause we gon stay the same. </i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, </b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">making a fool of Wiz like this is the parking lot at Osborn High</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">:</b></span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i><span style="color: #990000;">“</span>I knew it had went off. I saw the fire, like, come through my jeans/I took a couple more steps and my jeans were like — my jeans are wet/And I looked down. I had some Chuck Taylors on/and they were — the white was all red/I'm in trouble.<span style="color: #990000;">”</span></i></b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span></span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This isn't my own composition; this is just a quote from <a href="http://deadspin.com/5830645/plaxico-burress-talks-about-what-happens-when-you-shoot-yourself"><span style="color: blue;">Plax regarding shooting himself while in the club.</span></a> But be honest, wouldn't you rather listen to this description of Chucks over a beat than to Wiz's sad little flow? BE HONEST, I SAID.</span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b><span style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</span><span style="color: purple;"> </span><i>Now pan on them lenses and focus on the dopest/In the Mitchell & Ness Marino, see how far back I done throwed it.</i></b></span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's a throwback, darling. A <i>throw</i>-back. Marino was a QB (he threw back). This verse coming right after mine is genius, because we're both making reference to the NFL. So for the sake of the song it doesn't really matter that Marino is dullsville, as is the entire Dolphins squad except for the fact that Trick is a fan, but Marino was in <i>Ace Ventura</i> and that was kind of cool and unexpected of him. So now I really really want Curren$y to throw in something <i>Ace Ventura</i>-related, maybe on <a href="http://www.datpiff.com/pop-mixtape-download.php?id=m71c4c4c"><span style="color: blue;">Verde Terrace?</span></a> (update, after I just listened to it: nope). <i>Ace Ventura</i>'s kind of a stoner movie, right? No? A little? Am I out of touch here? Anyway, the ultimate would be Curren$y coming out with a song called <a href="http://wiki.answers.com/Q/In_Ace_Ventura_movie_-What_does_Laces_Out_mean"><span style="color: blue;">“Laces Out,”</span></a> a duet about footwear with fellow shoe whore Bun B. Or maybe a mixtape called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VErY0LdHNJ0&feature=player_detailpage#t=63s"><i style="color: blue;">If I'm Not Back in 5 Minutes, Just Wait Longer</i></a>. </span></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>4. </b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>“</b><b>Fly N---s Do Fly Things</b><b>”</b> (the <i>How Fly</i> mixtape; Sledgren)</span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;"><span style="background-color: white;">Wiz</span>:</b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i><b>Influenced by the reefer but I'm still positively speaking/Heading down to New Orleans, fuck with Spitta for a weekend/Exotic bitches freakin, minks on the rug/I'm living Clicquot dreams, pouring drinks in the tub/One life to live, so I'ma live it up.</b></i></span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7e4HCv4ZE38"><span style="color: blue;">That beat</span></a> is pretty all right with me but that's probably because I'm a sucker for echo-y handclaps and because I have </span><span style="font-size: medium;">“Bass Boost” checked off in my laptop's Speaker Enhancements tab (which makes everything sound fantastic). <i>Yeahhh, bitch</i>, Wiz says to start the song, and that's funny because that's exactly what I say to myself every time I hear a Wiz-less Curren$y song. <i>Yayyy </i>and <i>Thank God</i> are also what runs through my head. <i>I don't give a fuck</i>, Wiz says a little later, which describes both his attitude about the world as well as <i>my </i>attitude about Wiz making another song for as long as we both shall live. <b><i>Heading down to N.O., fuck with Spitta</i></b>, Wiz adds. I am aware of the transactional nature of rap friendships - the potential to earn revenue trumps all, yes? - but clearly, Curren$y's not being up front with Wiz. <i>Come to my city, hang out with me</i>, Spitta says, but this is only possible because Wiz has a friend named “Chevy,” and Curren$y’s <a href="http://home.earthlink.net/%7Escrippsbooth/chevbowtiehistory.html"><span style="color: blue;">bowtied til he dies</span></a>. </span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan</b></span> (<span style="font-size: medium;">my primary goal here is to get the keys to the jet and I will spend my entire verse trying to convince Curren$y to hand them over)</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">:</b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"> <b><i>Eatin gumbo with a Neville; it's Cyril, he doesn't have a DeVille/So Spitta, I have a request (you don't ask, you don't get)/Don't need your spaceship, your <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8h1TMTbwFI&playnext=1&list=PLE8E245A5580505C2"><span style="color: blue;">Francesca</span></a>, your Eldorado, your Corvette/Escort with the paint messed up from that accident at Kohl's/Please lemme get keys to the jet; <a href="http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2011/07/doom_and_ghostface_announce_pl.html"><span style="color: blue;">headed overseas, seein' Dumile n' Dennis Coles.</span></a></i></b> </span><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ha, nobody thought I had any NOLA raps. Shame on you. I'm not upset with Wiz for wanting to hang out down there; he and I both have this fantasy about “accidentally” running into Mannie at Winn-Dixie after stalking him for several weeks and getting a feel for his shopping patterns. The air is thick with the spirit of good MCs who've walked the streets of the city, and also thick with suffocating swamp air. Every cab driver looks like Professor Longhair, and I see Chris Paul in the car next to me at every stoplight. We don't even mind the mosquitoes, me and Wiz, since we get it how we live and hug the block, lalalalaaa, les bon temps are rouler-ing left and right, life is wonderful, geaux Saints, <a href="http://www.harsky.com/#1233357/New-Orleans-Hornets"><span style="color: blue;">I'm IN</span></a>.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> Game feels it, too - <a href="http://rapradar.com/2011/07/26/game-wants-to-join-cash-money/"><span style="color: blue;">wanting to join Cash Money</span></a> and all. Oh, hey, guess what, Game? Me too, Game! ME TOO. Probably not happening for either of us, though. Sorry, Game. We must all know our limitations<span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #cc0000;">*</span>(I can't get away with using </span><span style="font-size: small;">“</span><span style="font-size: small;">beasting”</span><span style="font-size: small;"> as a verb in conversations about the performances of NBA players, or the word </span><span style="font-size: small;">“</span><span style="font-size: small;">jawn</span><span style="font-size: small;">”</span><span style="font-size: small;"> in any context, nor will I ever have the pale-skinned, hip-less steezyness of Leigh Lezark</span><span style="font-size: small;">. I'll also never have a name as rad as <a href="http://deconrecords.com/"><span style="color: blue;">Jason Goldwatch's</span></a>. But accepting the things we cannot change allows us to conserve our energy and focus on the things we can.)</span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinNrshDMV3umX6ZLcYXkKFDfXWmiR9_jsMA56TvR4kreCBz3gKpc_lhAdnHozzOT6Xw-uevJfB7zF4zJiSVJ4kpe3r-VcjHTr0QRo9TNLw1poWGet8_D3iRI3vvWAt07sOai5ofirYKdgv/s1600/leigh+1-1500.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinNrshDMV3umX6ZLcYXkKFDfXWmiR9_jsMA56TvR4kreCBz3gKpc_lhAdnHozzOT6Xw-uevJfB7zF4zJiSVJ4kpe3r-VcjHTr0QRo9TNLw1poWGet8_D3iRI3vvWAt07sOai5ofirYKdgv/s1600/leigh+1-1500.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinNrshDMV3umX6ZLcYXkKFDfXWmiR9_jsMA56TvR4kreCBz3gKpc_lhAdnHozzOT6Xw-uevJfB7zF4zJiSVJ4kpe3r-VcjHTr0QRo9TNLw1poWGet8_D3iRI3vvWAt07sOai5ofirYKdgv/s1600/leigh+1-1500.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This look is foxy and it is just not possible for me. It's not in the cards. Not ever. (Sigh.)</span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y:</b> <b><i><span style="color: red;">Would it be cliche to start my verse saying something that I always say?</span>/The planes got it, I perfected my roll in the sunset/Aeronautics, I swear on my soul I would never co-sign some nonsense/Muscle car auction, I just cop it and then go ride it/Wait for the night to set, then really pop it and drive it/Bitches run on the side of it like those little Jamaican kids.</i></b></span><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">META RAPS! </span><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Critical bias on the part of the blogger:</span><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;"> META RAPS are the alpha and the omega.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i> Take the first letter out of each word in this joint</i>, for example (Mt. Vernon fresh). <i>Verse number 2, do the damn thing</i> (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL-gLb5sf_8"><span style="color: blue;">guilty-pleasure/Nitti</span></a> fresh). <i>Last time on a Khaled remix/Now I'm on the original version</i> (guilty-pleasure/Luda fresh). <i>I know they gonna <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kValaG55kUk"><span style="color: blue;">criticize the hook on this song</span></a></i> (“can I live?” fresh). <i>The violin on </i>“<i>Knowledge God</i>”<i> sounded ill</i> (<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gmQZtfx51k&feature=player_detailpage#t=151s"><span style="color: blue;">gods-in-the-Wu-pantheon</span></a> fresh). Also, META GEORGIAN FUNK (50% of James Brown songs - him discussing the song breaking down <i>while it's breaking down. </i>Breakdown fresh), and let's not forget META TEXAN FUNK. “Come on and tighten up that bass,” Archie Bell said, “Oh yeah. Now look here - I want that guitar to fall in on there. Tighten it up now. Oh. Yeah. Now tighten it up, organ. Yeah.” (KCRW with the assist here, for being fresh and playing <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wro3bqi4Eb8"><span style="color: blue;">“Tighten Up”</span></a> while I was out driving for my government job yesterday morning).</span></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>5. “</b><b><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">O.T.T.R.</span></span>”</b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"> (that mixtape with Big Sean; Big Jerm)</span></span></span></div><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Wiz:</b> </span><i><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>I’m moving at top speed, my engine is foreign/I travel across seas where women are gorgeous/And ni---s know it’s us, we make it tough to mistake it/Just let me roll it up and when it’s stuffed, we blaze it/Then we Off To The Races.</b></span> </i><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT_3jQnbTcRryEmjh0eSD8UOqu3Yiq-4hbnykKWFDbVPrP3GqjHNs7NBqS2o0wEeFACv9SfSR9pngyP00LBguSkpJdwHGR9GIwjGLijAeRfvGRZGBNPehyDyobh0Skx280QYy8aPfuCcI7/s1600/CAPRICE+OOOO-1.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT_3jQnbTcRryEmjh0eSD8UOqu3Yiq-4hbnykKWFDbVPrP3GqjHNs7NBqS2o0wEeFACv9SfSR9pngyP00LBguSkpJdwHGR9GIwjGLijAeRfvGRZGBNPehyDyobh0Skx280QYy8aPfuCcI7/s1600/CAPRICE+OOOO-1.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Logan, embarrassing Wiz:</b> </span><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm still working on it, but I do know the hook will be something about how I'm off to my new Caprice/since I'm bowtied til I die (“O.T.M.N.C.S.I.B.T.I.D.</span><span style="font-size: medium;">”</span><span style="font-size: medium;">). And it'll embarrass Wiz, of course, yayyyy, because Wiz and I have to keep it theatrical whenever we meet up for a </span><span style="font-size: medium;">“</span><span style="font-size: medium;">freestyle skirmish in the parking lot,</span><span style="font-size: medium;">” AKA my daydream-y brain while I'm at work.</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> I</span><span style="font-size: medium;">t's like that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni55-kp7c5o"><span style="color: blue;">Murs/Eyedea</span></a> smiley throwdown except I am both Murs <i>and </i>Eyedea, and Wiz isn't qualified to be my adversary - he's just there to give me fresh Aquafina bottles as needed. </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b style="color: #cc0000;">Curren$y: </b></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><i>And I’ma Pimp, see </i>(C!)<i>, leaning in my ride like how Bun be</i> (B!)</b><i><b>/Sittin’ tall on my chrome, see, but I’m low in the seat/My girl in the sheet fast asleep, I’m in the street after the cheddar/Peddlin’ melodies, purchasin’ better things/On the road to the riches I done drove over n----s.</b> </i></span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: medium;">Critical bias on the part of the blogger:</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> <u>UGK raps fill up all the empty places inside me,</u> as do musician-name-pun raps, and this one's so freaking fine, it's like the 2011 version of Andre Ben's <i>I'm so like a pimp, I'm glad it's night</i>. I also devour raps about girls doing nothing, girls lounging, girls sleeping - especially raps that also include the beautiful, surprisingly un-corny phrase “peddling melodies.” <a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/expert_advice/article7015309.ece"><span style="color: blue;">Women need more sleep than men</span></a> (it's science), and I greatly appreciate the kindness of someone who lets me stay curled up in bed, the queen of dreamland, while he goes out and handles it. That's a good man, no two ways about it. (No two ways BOUT IT, neither, since at this point I am an honorary Louisianan). I can't wait til we get married and I get some South infused in my speech and start referring to him as my huzzzbin. When we come to California to visit my family on holidays, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YNadHxzOzY&feature=player_detailpage#t=45s"><span style="color: blue;">we stop in LA to hang out with Nick Dahhhhmond</span></a>. And at this point I'd like to provide a shout from the bottom of my tender heart to all the ladies out there who, like me, <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiybzNWGKR_f2hdoUXZ3sWpywQPsn3qM3C1w4FLN1L5i0lxUQprTOwmklnowHO55uV7iJ2SyqkWg7zGyliclSdaHDAkHmmbWyJyZq6yHWtQ9iu0qIjlwA17SrOP8d6wSRmYmVo_ZCkAsHsk/s1600/LB-lorrainebracco-goodfellas-envelo.png"><span style="color: blue;">Karen Hill</span></a>, and Amber Rose, realized long ago they'd never make good cops' or teachers' wives. Sorry, Mom. </span></div><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/V5YxtweUxrA" width="580"></iframe><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Side note: FUCKING LOOK AT THIS QUARTET OF BADASS JEWISH GIRLS FROM QUEENS. </span></div><br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0apt. 680, Los Angeles, CA, USA34.0792 -118.2579999999999834.0563215 -118.27819449999998 34.1020785 -118.23780549999998tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-4451444649896679882011-08-22T18:53:00.001-07:002011-08-23T17:06:47.972-07:00Terrelle Pryor will make it all OK, says bathing-suited Los Angeles woman with blog.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIbEbm_mi0yxQHpXKfqjdnStBuo9QR8ynwbz7yA_VCQsvMNT9hnhRMS4OowbRk3KjO82apkKPZI-FQSDzH04kApPPRb3L0V5a8A2BlVlI-O27ARE65GqPmXGFeiSpvI7o1swpbkQbAUBCA/s1600/wiz+4+raiders-1-350.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIbEbm_mi0yxQHpXKfqjdnStBuo9QR8ynwbz7yA_VCQsvMNT9hnhRMS4OowbRk3KjO82apkKPZI-FQSDzH04kApPPRb3L0V5a8A2BlVlI-O27ARE65GqPmXGFeiSpvI7o1swpbkQbAUBCA/s1600/wiz+4+raiders-1-350.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">The Raiders are heartbreak city. It's true and it's been true since I was a little girl. </span></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhREI8kTWatIWLVlifIJ0qDjcrIF5QsjI9xPTqdMoLrYraKemyWqkb4AGLKQa3eX-kVutnNgAkj3G5ZgZhX6-YbCKDA-sW2ADWnQEk_Q8iJLxnu5BxN6ux0uSewnWeZgx2-keFlQVFkOweJ/s1600/biggie+n+bishop-1-650.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhREI8kTWatIWLVlifIJ0qDjcrIF5QsjI9xPTqdMoLrYraKemyWqkb4AGLKQa3eX-kVutnNgAkj3G5ZgZhX6-YbCKDA-sW2ADWnQEk_Q8iJLxnu5BxN6ux0uSewnWeZgx2-keFlQVFkOweJ/s1600/biggie+n+bishop-1-650.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">But for every Wiz head, there's a Biggie head and a Bishop chest. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Plus, don't forget, </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/comment?lc=OEsPfmtNsdJa7jDY-XzjD8v_qt2BHYKX0gDMClg2NW8" style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: blue;">Casual's got a sick ass Raiders jacket</span></a><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">.</span></span></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCTGadN1aQ9ElyoYI6eQKDFLGE0C5JaV8ivIArEzWr82SLRHbNd2rlWpn2RxCVRXGMkLixX6te45Z39gU0oK7S0IPdGwQMJg5I2dRJTUqCd8K4SAiXLyyOXtN1NhhqYLYCUp40lb1o4F4S/s1600/IMG_3099-1500.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCTGadN1aQ9ElyoYI6eQKDFLGE0C5JaV8ivIArEzWr82SLRHbNd2rlWpn2RxCVRXGMkLixX6te45Z39gU0oK7S0IPdGwQMJg5I2dRJTUqCd8K4SAiXLyyOXtN1NhhqYLYCUp40lb1o4F4S/s1600/IMG_3099-1500.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">(Is this a bad omen? It seems like a bad omen.)</span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">And for every Nnamdi trade and every broken keychain that symbolizes the broken hopes of apt. 680 residents on Sundays in the months of September through December, there's a strapping young man with <a href="http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=6636768"><span style="color: blue;">illegal tats</span></a> to lead the squad's newly-dynamic offense<span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="color: #444444;">(once Pryor's five-game suspension is done away with, because the NFL players' union will make it so)</span></span>! He wears cherry Vans! W/KHAKIS!</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMkCF6pDYtgsXtYd0hzyYoExypqssv9ViWjsB8MSr1Ni0HtVxDblk0zsnOI5ujYpYK0nYipMJPG-TX4lkR7Jn2QhhUMYG4xH02NcP3lCT71AbAKT6qo2DrkgZjqKhtwGK3v6PdAgVhCqrP/s1600/terrelle+pryor+vans.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMkCF6pDYtgsXtYd0hzyYoExypqssv9ViWjsB8MSr1Ni0HtVxDblk0zsnOI5ujYpYK0nYipMJPG-TX4lkR7Jn2QhhUMYG4xH02NcP3lCT71AbAKT6qo2DrkgZjqKhtwGK3v6PdAgVhCqrP/s1600/terrelle+pryor+vans.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">You wanna get right, stop buying those Nikes.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/TerrellePryor/status/100681994253500419"><span style="color: blue;">I love Terrelle</span></a> just, um, <i><a href="http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/500/48476343/The+Pack+l_dbf00d1b23f84bf3a700a345e2e8.png"><span style="color: blue;">based</span></a> </i>on this photo and why should that be a problem for anybody. Whyy. You wanna make something of it, or what. This picture alone makes him affection-worthy in apt. 680. Females blush; he brings the California gold rush!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Terrelle retweets the <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/jrLaurinaitis/status/99324715423907840"><span style="color: blue;">Serenity prayer</span></a> and freaking LeBron (UGH, even though these are things a young man must do during the come-up; the electronic handshake is crucial when you're trying to establish your brand as a pro athlete), but he likes <a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/TerrellePryor"><span style="color: blue;">mob movies, good dinners, and his brother</span></a>. Ergo: we are in love. Ankle weights aren't my favorite thing and neither is my man saying odd things while trying to appease his sponsors (</span><a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/TerrellePryor/status/99170511858319361"><span style="color: blue; font-size: medium;">“Here you go ankle weights. They are Real.”</span></a><span style="font-size: medium;">), but we are in luuuuuhhhve, especially when he completes around 60% of his passes and can be counted on to convert on third down most of the time. TP's religious but I don't go to church, and when he says platitudes on our dates or types them on his phone's keyboard during our dates (<a href="https://twitter.com/#%21/TerrellePryor/status/98786403445510144"><span style="color: blue;">“One important key to success is self-confidence. Believe in yourself even if odds are against you!”</span></a>).</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> I will have to open my eyes real wide and ask him <i>Oh hey, can I be QB at Ohio State too? I'm not 6'6" and I can't run a 4.4 40, but I fucking believe in myself. I mean, </i></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>I really have self-confidence like nobody's business. </i></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><i> </i>Also I will make fun of the super feminine way he spells his first name, but all of this is just because I like him. The emotionally-stunted among us (hands up, please) will remember this courting technique from third grade. <i><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Welcome to the Raiders, and to my warm loving heart, Terrelle Pryor. I love your shoes and the way you gave the NCAA a big F U. Throw it to Jacoby Ford a lot. XOXO.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Tower of Power - “Cleo's Back.” EAST BAY, BAY BAY.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><embed flashvars="audioUrl=http://soul-sides.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/04-Cleos-Back-1.mp3" height="27" quality="best" src="http://www.google.com/reader/ui/3523697345-audio-player.swf" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400"></embed></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://soul-sides.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/04-Cleos-Back-1.mp3"><b style="color: blue;">mp3.</b></a></span></div><br />
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Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-76932557646406311382011-08-21T14:20:00.000-07:002011-09-06T23:44:13.129-07:00I AM SUCH A GIRL (“album promo brings tears to my eyes” edition)<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="355" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Qbsk7UogjiU" width="580"></iframe><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">KEN-DRICK!</span></div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Here we go, a little emotion on a Sunday morning flowing through my girly brain, courtesy of RapRadar posting this video of Kendrick Lamar's show last night at the Music Box. Ken's komrade Game showed up for <strike><i>R.E.D.</i> </strike><strike>album promo</strike> moral support of course, and proceeded to konvince me that he's a pretty nice guy - which is basically a big manipulation tactic by Game to make me forget about his musical output and that time he <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-hQMDj7CK-0"><span style="color: blue;">seared my eyes with his “acting.”</span></a> But I'm relaxed. I'm just going with it. It's Sunday and I'm not religious but I do pray for peace, no traffic accidents, lots of ice cream, some freaking tight lyrics - and also for things that remind me of how lovely humanity can be sometimes. On with it, then -</span></div><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: medium;">Top 5 emotional girly moments in the video, Cuz!</span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></span></b><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">(my set affiliations will likely fluctuate throughout this post, and anyway it doesn't matter because at this point </span><i style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">green </i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">is the most important color in all our lives, yes?):</span></span><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>1. THAT SUIT.</b> So much hash-tag-ery occurring in the building on Saturday night, of course, but also so many Hundreds shirts, I'm sure of it! SO MANY. And yet look at KL in his nice black jeans and sport coat, dressed as if he's going to a completely different function than everyone else. “It's Saturday night, you'll probably wear that shit to church,” <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-PXAwwpw7s"><span style="color: blue;">AMG</span></a> said one time to a young lady in the club. Ken's show was <i>Friday</i> night, plus he seems like a super clean dude who doesn't wear things more than once, I mean he really keeps it tight and right, so he'll probably wear that outfit just for this show alone. Then tomorrow he'll have it cleaned and nicely pressed. Looking good, sir. And I know I keep saying it but <i>Kendrick Lamar</i> is just a really fresh name. You should run for President with that name, young man. </span></div><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>2. REMINDERS FROM JAYCEON.</b> I know where I live, both because I have an adequate grasp of geography and because I listen to Power 106 for a good 70% of my driving time and that means constant “west coast/Cali/LA” drops are flooding the inside of my Civic, <u><b>however</b></u><b>:</b> Game saying <i style="color: #cc0000;">THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKIN WEST COAST</i> in that nice rasp of his (sorry; I'm a girl, remember?) and continuing with <i><span style="color: #cc0000;">I hate when they say that the west coast ain’t poppin</span></i> just feels good to a young lady from the greater LA metropolitan area. I <i>know </i>my mom loves me but it's still nice to hear it from her. I <i>know </i>I'm a nice person but it's still nice to hear it from my buddies. On a very similar note: <i>OH MY GOODNESS, GAME! YAY! This IS the west coast!</i> I exclaim. <i>Oh Game, I hate it when they say the west coast ain't poppin too! We agree about some things and that is nice! I like some of your songs even though my blog would tell you otherwise!</i></span></div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">(tomorrow morning I'll wake up and be embarrassed I wrote those last 2 things. I like the Scoop DeVille stuff, and I like that “Red Nation”</span><span style="font-size: small;"> but, I must be honest with myself, that's more because of the Eazy snippet and because of Cool & Dre's dexterity with shuffle-y drum programming than because of anything Game said or did in any of those songs. Ah well.) </span></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>3. I LOVE YOUS FROM JAYCEON.</b> <b>“I love you,”</b> Game says to Kendrick, with his arm around him in that way that men do - affectionate but still keeping the body in a guarded position should a scrap occur even though you <i>know </i>a scrap's not going to occur, it's just that men have to make it <i>look </i>that way because of the limits put on them by our culture when they want to express emotion. <b>“Dre, I love you. Snoop, I love you. Jay Rock, Scoop, Kurupt, Roscoe, King Tee, Pooh, Eiht, Tyson Chandler, Venus <i>and </i>Serena. Even if you're from Lynwood or Willowbrook, I love you. Skinny-lady blogs, I love you most of all. Apartment 680, Echo Park, birds in the sky, old records, the NFL about to start, cookies, ice cream, puppies. Logan, I love you. I love you - all of you.”</b> Aww! Hold me! It's promo, all promo, but it's still heartwarming - like when Game volunteered at the animal shelter last week and provided updates about it, remember? <b>“Sparky is a lab mix and has the nicest big brown eyes. ALL ANIMALS deserve good homes! ADOPT! #REDAlbum.” </b></span></div><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><b>4. PUNS FROM JAYCEON.</b> “One thing me and (Ken) got in <i>COMPTON</i>...” Teehee. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU-Yq-56w8i0JKiuY08nk5j9QWga6r9PIwH7iV0PsIAIUIK741mKajLf9t3OXhtB72Ux6zmerBQQL7BXe0lXUAsGL8EmfPmrTyACbGOLrtxZHoRnP2O77uzJDyHnkE7Y0Lg4iIe9dVu-BU/s1600/kendrick+mos+3-1-600.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgU-Yq-56w8i0JKiuY08nk5j9QWga6r9PIwH7iV0PsIAIUIK741mKajLf9t3OXhtB72Ux6zmerBQQL7BXe0lXUAsGL8EmfPmrTyACbGOLrtxZHoRnP2O77uzJDyHnkE7Y0Lg4iIe9dVu-BU/s1600/kendrick+mos+3-1-600.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>5. SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY DANTE, WHAT IN THE FUCK.</b> Kendrick's a little too preachy at times, dropping some important historical names in verse without any real gravity behind it, criticizing his generation for sippin cough syrup like it's water, blah blah, but he just turned 24 so that's forgivable. (I was a realll pretentious piece of work at that age.) “Who gives a fuck?” Ken also says, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6RJRxRR4g0"><span style="color: blue;">“We never do listen unless it comes with an 808.”</span></a> Not sure if I'm included in the “we” but just for argument's sake, let's say I am - and Kendrick, my dear, what's your point? 808 taught me everything I need to know about car stereos and sex. But </span><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: medium;">holy Christ, fucking hell, Mos Def is at his show in a sharp red button-up and shiny shoes, oh I just realized Mos is the only other dude in the place going to the same fancy function as Ken, I mean they're in those matching sport coats,</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> and people, my affection for these two men in this moment trumps all. (This is the video's second-greatest moment - <i>almost </i>as aww-inducing as the crowd chanting Ken's name at the beginning, but not quite).</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Bonus emotion:</b> The part in the video right after it cuts out, when Ken tosses it to Kurupt and he does a version of <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-eA_Ancoe0"><span style="color: blue;">“Ohh!”</span></a> that makes everyone in the audience rip their hair out and scream, it's so incredible they can't believe it's actually happening.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Bonus <i>bonus </i>emotion (not really emotion, though - just a funny thing that fits in here):</b> Nobody is apparently down-er than the <a href="http://www.laalmanac.com/cities/ci19.htm"><span style="color: blue;">Los Angeles Almanac</span></a>, the website on which this map of Compton appears. CITY IN RED BELOW, SOO WOOOO, etc. etc. </span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3oB8stXzf9Rxb_K9uJfqzAGkeUFmIbbEola6A1oirYEpBjSmJ-mtjqrff6fjy7yy-khSvlADfQE_SP6HpSz_1CpTjkEKvQVRZQMKTjqlL1uXVB84qlVWQmMOUJbhy-QVVb-dD-Bc2CPsl/s1600/comptoninred-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3oB8stXzf9Rxb_K9uJfqzAGkeUFmIbbEola6A1oirYEpBjSmJ-mtjqrff6fjy7yy-khSvlADfQE_SP6HpSz_1CpTjkEKvQVRZQMKTjqlL1uXVB84qlVWQmMOUJbhy-QVVb-dD-Bc2CPsl/s1600/comptoninred-1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"> (No color added for emphasis. <i>Nothing </i>added for emphasis. The LA Almanac just knows).</span></div><br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-41328342192396233072011-08-20T13:12:00.000-07:002011-08-20T13:12:52.206-07:00Birthday compare n' contrast - Lynott, Parker, Hayes. (Also where is that RZA/Isaac photo by Sue Kwon? PLEASE HELP)<div style="text-align: center;">The only thing that can tear me away from making pancakes and listening to that new Danny Brown is a birthday tribute post to some Record Collection Gods of Apt. 680 (born in '49, '65, and '42, respectively). </div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGU57fS8bzyAvmS-QQxqeMbiLroM5_ELF0MfJAzvlgLuCFVwWQphZbJi6qI6cn0BhgI2xnAXj4AgrAYC9-aqaM4r4kCFk27sEt0Cwq2ujLZ4PNOu6qIdnIvVa8uuRhhEXD5rfdY-dcIWkK/s1600/lynott+krs+hayes+5-1-650.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGU57fS8bzyAvmS-QQxqeMbiLroM5_ELF0MfJAzvlgLuCFVwWQphZbJi6qI6cn0BhgI2xnAXj4AgrAYC9-aqaM4r4kCFk27sEt0Cwq2ujLZ4PNOu6qIdnIvVa8uuRhhEXD5rfdY-dcIWkK/s1600/lynott+krs+hayes+5-1-650.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<b style="color: #073763;">Photo that makes me giggle:</b> <br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">Parker.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1k8ldiUfwQAC9BF07fGkzcgzacoqgdUVIpzTYVg6iYk0RjyTlvoSrT_H0V1TFJifMWsLu-zcSsKIL2EMQ8MSLVlyRreo_3qUmdldulz3MQBjfIT4CeRKafyTdzjxZEHXLvA-8WoXZpNJP/s1600/krs+9-550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1k8ldiUfwQAC9BF07fGkzcgzacoqgdUVIpzTYVg6iYk0RjyTlvoSrT_H0V1TFJifMWsLu-zcSsKIL2EMQ8MSLVlyRreo_3qUmdldulz3MQBjfIT4CeRKafyTdzjxZEHXLvA-8WoXZpNJP/s1600/krs+9-550.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">Hayes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7RNRsHQTmZTNuKmXXWO0h1ZrJ1CXWOykwXjWkj3AqmQ9qjO5DBwpbGfPNQe3_U5eCMvOUXz7E-1QyWekF7EL4yrX-zHu05F86KvA5libVhcwPRr2JyRV2jgklM1mezuMstyGF5p_7jsUZ/s1600/isaac+hayes+9-1-550.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7RNRsHQTmZTNuKmXXWO0h1ZrJ1CXWOykwXjWkj3AqmQ9qjO5DBwpbGfPNQe3_U5eCMvOUXz7E-1QyWekF7EL4yrX-zHu05F86KvA5libVhcwPRr2JyRV2jgklM1mezuMstyGF5p_7jsUZ/s1600/isaac+hayes+9-1-550.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">Lynott - N/A, because <i>he looks fresh in every photo</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyrHCimdFRs-x0HlD1oDC6rEJKGU5x4BvDlAvpf32OfdS0RwHRYh5Afo3T9ij2IlnYXVML4GzAnZSleZ6i-vlsgAiUV5o8gLmOwCDwhFrMxj07GtUhVfFbbkQytRnk4uGST28ErxTr2KLB/s1600/lynott+6-600.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyrHCimdFRs-x0HlD1oDC6rEJKGU5x4BvDlAvpf32OfdS0RwHRYh5Afo3T9ij2IlnYXVML4GzAnZSleZ6i-vlsgAiUV5o8gLmOwCDwhFrMxj07GtUhVfFbbkQytRnk4uGST28ErxTr2KLB/s1600/lynott+6-600.JPG" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivA69D9iRjd0UNyi8E1Qfw0XzELVX-plnNgwwsDKy0OwqHGbK-tcmjQKd2goB3pWtqChXQJCUEqvOllkU8iJC9Su2NlhNx9krviyz2qZm6smhRA6k4NhLdPMbTBPpP6VGzyPpuYDWV07e3/s1600/lynott+krs+hayes+4-1-650.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
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<b style="color: red;">1- </b>a present from Stax in '71 for his success, it's a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km48r-GuSnE"><span style="color: blue;">metal/sex beast</span></a> made by Lucifer's minions in a GM plant for the purpose of getting nice, respectable young ladies like me out of their dresses.<br />
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<div style="color: red;"><b>2-</b></div><br />
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Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-41356599765504179292011-08-15T18:36:00.000-07:002011-08-16T06:37:21.446-07:00“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” - Jackie Mason<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBjnJSba9PsdSuXIS4YkaLO-7-t3YqaGOdnBO6WxoDTiASI4mkH8-OKijFZGqMitMwbSsYvjJ-f2iISoEewIqR1CNORYWqPSHzicMPVkXCKF6ESCjdhDFOH2rnvcGwbubZnRbVMA2-ThV7/s1600/otis+2-1-620.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBjnJSba9PsdSuXIS4YkaLO-7-t3YqaGOdnBO6WxoDTiASI4mkH8-OKijFZGqMitMwbSsYvjJ-f2iISoEewIqR1CNORYWqPSHzicMPVkXCKF6ESCjdhDFOH2rnvcGwbubZnRbVMA2-ThV7/s1600/otis+2-1-620.JPG" /></a></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">“Jigga,” I'd say if I were there as the token fair-haired one, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK-KFfYA2Vk&feature=player_detailpage#t=61s"><span style="color: blue;">“I don't like it if it don't gleam clean."</span></a><br />
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The <a href="http://blogs.wsj.com/drivers-seat/2011/08/13/will-otis-video-give-mercedes-maybach-sales-a-bounce/"><i style="color: blue;">Wall Street Journal</i></a> wonders if “Otis” will give a boost to the Maybach and its sad little sales record. The video has given the car “new-found hip-hop notoriety,” the article submits, which means that the <i>WSJ </i>has never heard of Rick Ross (LOVE) but also that the <i>WSJ </i>is as out of touch with rap music as say, Kanye West is as out of touch with my life. Anyway, as I've already established, a <a href="http://heightfiveseven.blogspot.com/2011/08/wtt-the-car-test.html"><span style="color: blue;">jerk is a jerk</span></a>, and that hi-res Lakai intro and lo-res Fatlip video still set the standard for Jonzeian superbness, but I won't lie - I wish on all that is good and holy (Lagerfeld, Murakami, Tisci) that I had been picked for this gig. It's daydream fodder when I'm at work - fast cars, danger, fire and knives, plus <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoEKWtgJQAU&feature=player_detailpage#t=74s"><span style="color: blue;">that cute part at 1:18</span></a> when K looks back at J so they can synchronize their, uh, <i>grippin wood</i> dance. (Am I supposed to pause at this point?)</div><br />
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“Let the Dollar Circulate.” GAMBLE N HUFF. GAMBLE N HUFF. And to a lesser extent, JEEZY JEEZY JEEZY.<br />
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<div style="color: blue;"><a href="http://goldengazelle.com/Brig/December/Let%20The%20Dollar%20Circulate.mp3"><b>mp3.</b></a></div><br />
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<div style="color: white;">.</div>Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2317852822293479356.post-24864843348855487672011-08-13T07:00:00.000-07:002011-08-28T09:33:52.287-07:00How did I not know that Glen E. Friedman produced that Suicidal Tendencies album?, and other things related to Cypress Hill turning 20 today.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJYneoll9QiZV-Z6Wp9-owWHCy4hgz1YueihtymgS8oMd6fZPW3CaWDc9IDXUVFMUMJEWPOJW2wbIshVbmOPDOeqIpYbI2qjL2RfYPP1uKiqxXvSgpkg7sB5ZOfgRHeGqUV_JY4rO_CPAZ/s1600/IMG_3093-1-620.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJYneoll9QiZV-Z6Wp9-owWHCy4hgz1YueihtymgS8oMd6fZPW3CaWDc9IDXUVFMUMJEWPOJW2wbIshVbmOPDOeqIpYbI2qjL2RfYPP1uKiqxXvSgpkg7sB5ZOfgRHeGqUV_JY4rO_CPAZ/s1600/IMG_3093-1-620.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwPxQvVq3gLTAyhoFgsbIJfniKwRS0O2dfJtgYiOUhesPlnOnVr3yL_N9SrJTwJJHT9NG6Pj8pZazBw8Kqy9fLE6hex0RC05vjgwUbv7hUxNZK9Xkdc2cJUEmiHa8K4dDi3O2GQYbIW674/s1600/IMG_3096-3620.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwPxQvVq3gLTAyhoFgsbIJfniKwRS0O2dfJtgYiOUhesPlnOnVr3yL_N9SrJTwJJHT9NG6Pj8pZazBw8Kqy9fLE6hex0RC05vjgwUbv7hUxNZK9Xkdc2cJUEmiHa8K4dDi3O2GQYbIW674/s1600/IMG_3096-3620.JPG" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">“L. Muggerud - L. Freeze - S. Reyes.” SO TOUGH. Best DMV names in rapdom.</div><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">1. I will never not say it: Intelligent Hoodlum is a waaaaay better name than Tragedy Khadafi.</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">2. The simplicity, functionality and aesthetic appeal of those <i>Source </i>ads from '91 still hold up in '11. </span></b> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Was it album art director Stacy Drummond who was responsible? If so: madam, excellent work. </span><br />
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Ms. Valentine taught me about the concept of “Chekhov’s gun” in 12-grade English - a literary technique in which an entity is introduced early in a story, but its significance does not become clear until later. Muggs says they recorded this album in the winter of 1990-1. In March '91, a video came out featuring the LAPD behaving like complete fucking murderous heathens. Ho-hum. <i>Aaaaanyway</i>, track 1 is called <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2a8x8g-ELI"><span style="color: blue;">“Pigs,”</span></a> it is about law enforcement officers, and in it - just like in nearly every song that follows it on the album - the boys make brutality (shooting, prison rape) sound fun and sing-song-y. There are all these well-placed <i>la-la-laaaas</i> in the album's stories about putting holes in human flesh, which is terrifying yet charismatic and amusing, like Jack Torrance or every character Joe Pesci plays. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>3. Muggs tells <a href="http://www.randomhouse.com/book/29811/check-the-technique-by-brian-coleman/9780812977752/"><span style="color: blue;">Brian Coleman</span></a> that PE and Ultramag were his favorites and the ones that influenced him most of all.</b></span><br />
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First of all, ME TOO, LAWRENCE MUGGERUD, even though I don't make beats (yet); second, NO FUCKING WAY, LAWRENCE. What I mean is: yes, upon listening to your compositions, one <i>might </i>be able to infer that you were influenced by the brothers Shocklee and that perhaps every night during the <i>Cypress Hill </i>crafting sessions you slept with one hand on your crate of most breaks-rich funk records. This influence also explains the New York-y feel to the group, which was probably Columbia's doing on some A&R bs - plus it was the Giants over the Bills in the '91 Super Bowl - but the fact remains I have a big problem with the videos being shot in NYC (even though '91 Q-Tip is always nice to see - the presence of Ice Cube in the video doesn't make it all ok, though! You're just throwing LA a bone with that one, gentlemen). PS, Larry: I'm not mad that to make <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daEn33FvUIk"><span style="color: blue;">“Something for the Blunted”</span></a> you basically just let <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToH0Nw8G7Jc"><span style="color: blue;">“Future Shock”</span></a> play and laid some <i>cheeba </i>cuts on top. (Ask me about my feelings regarding Kanye and “Otis” sometime, and you'll understand how much of a compliment that is.) I'd also like to give you a special shout for using that <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsgFYY5XXUQ"><span style="color: blue;">“Tramp”</span></a> bassline, which provides the whole foundation for the song, and for sampling THREE James Brown records on that same song. THREE. Swoon.<br />
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People don't put that creepy stop-motion walking-backwards craze in their videos anymore. I miss it.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">Other things people no longer do: call dudes <i>busters </i>or <i>marks</i>; do the lift-up-the-knee stomp-dance;<br />
wear bucket hats (other than <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X96SR8sdf1U"><span style="color: blue;">DZA</span></a>; he's the only one these days).</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">4. That “Phuncky Feel One” breakdown vs. the <i>source </i>of that breakdown (the JB's, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfXnUSH3s4s&feature=player_detailpage#t=409s"><span style="color: blue;">“More Peas”</span></a>): which is superior? This remains a heated debate in apt. 680. </span></b><br />
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“Phuncky” is a can of ginseng extract with a pinch of coke. I mean it's just pure energy. A party in a bottle, 2 in the morning, still jumpin 'cause your mama ain't home. But then you got the JB's! It's <i>THE JB's!</i> How can I deny them? There's the break at <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfXnUSH3s4s&feature=player_detailpage#t=504s"><span style="color: blue;">08:28</span></a>, takes my breath away, and just before that, James, as usual, chops it up with the song. He asks the song how it's doing, you know - makes suggestions for where the song should go, talks about the geographic areas where the people <i>playing </i>the song are from (Georgia; not DC). <b>“We gave the people some. Can we give the bass some? Bass, you ain’t <i>had </i>none. When we give the bass some, let's take it to F...Can we take it to F?”</b> UM FUCK YES MR. BROWN, AND OH DEAR, WHAT'S THIS, MY DRESS APPEARS TO HAVE FALLEN OFF OF MY BODY. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">5. In 1990, there was no such thing as Death Row Records and, just as tragic with regard to my personal life story, no such thing as <a href="http://www.starbucks.co.nz/index.cfm?contentNodeID=261"><span style="color: blue;">Starbucks in Los Angeles</span></a>. Things were different then, that's all I'm saying, and the world was rather inadequate. </span></b><br />
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So of <i>course </i>you and your boys are gonna want to make some music. <i>There was nothing else to do.</i> LA was dullsville. <a href="http://vimeo.com/22947483"><span style="color: blue;">“Back in '94 I shoulda signed to Death Row,”</span></a> today's Power 106 driving-around-in-the-Civic banger said to me.<i> Ooh what a song</i>, I thought to myself after that first verse/hook combo. Then I thought: <i>Oh dear, all the mentions of firearms and ki's and ass; <a href="http://heightfiveseven.blogspot.com/2011/08/voracious-los-angeles-woman-demands.html"><span style="color: blue;">Banner would hate this</span></a> even though he raps about those things too then he hides behind his master's degree.</i> And then: <i>No, Money Jay--back in nine-</i><u><b>one</b></u><i> you shoulda signed to Death Row. You want to be ahead of the curve, my friend. </i>Ah well. I still have great fondness for the song, though in concept more than execution. Dudes are so braggy all the time in my ear canal that it's nice to hear some humility and remorse for bad decision-making every once in a while.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>6. This is Cypress Avenue in South Gate, where the shit used to go down for our heroic trio - or at least where they would play football in the street until their families called them in for dinner. </b></span><br />
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Does it look familiar? It should, because it could also pass for Andre Young's childhood street, or Pooh's or King Tee's or, I don't know, Arabian Prince's? Hell, it looks like Oxnard too - the street upon which Michael and Otis Jackson jr. played. The grassy, pretty, tree-lined-ness of LA neighborhood aesthetics lends itself perfectly to making songs when you are a young man, because<i> it's boring, and there's little else to do</i>. And my ears/heart/body thank the good lord for that.<br />
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</a></div><b><span style="font-size: large;">7. November 3, 1990 – <i>NBA on NBC</i> starts airing. </span></b><br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk"><span style="color: blue;">John Tesh's epic/corny ass</span></a> composes the music; it's playing in my head as I write this. <i>Do-do dododoDOdo-dooooo</i> (that's how it goes). I knew this fact before I composed this post, because I have a massive nerd brain inside the head that sits atop my skinny-lady frame. What I <i>didn't</i> know is that this was also the year the flagrant foul was introduced. I'm not sure how all this dovetails with the recording sessions for<i> Cypress Hill</i> (winter '90-1, remember), but it seems important-? And then, 20 years later, Lil B does a song about his chain looking like John Tesh and girls doing things to him with their mouths because he looks like John Tesh, and in his spare time he introduces the term <i>Mary Hart</i> for a groupie. J/K. Lil B has no idea who John Tesh is. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>8. Top 5 lines from </b><b>“How I Could Just Kill a Man”:</b></span><br />
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<b>1. </b><b><i>How do you know where I'm at when you haven't been where I've been? Understand where I'm coming from.</i></b> This is just skilled writing - specific and universal, like all great sentences. <br />
<b>2. </b><b><i>Time for some action, just a fraction of friction/I got the clearance to run the interference.</i></b> What does this mean/I love it/I've loved it from the first time I heard it.<br />
<b>3.</b> <b><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDiF3POJdyU&feature=player_detailpage#t=14s"><i style="color: blue;">ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI.</i></a> </b>Muggs, I see you. You got alllllll those Parliament and Bar-Kays records on your shelf, plus one precious copy of <i>Suicidal Tendencies</i> hidden in the back.<br />
<b>4. </b><b><i>Actin kinda loco, I'm just another local/Kid from the street gettin paid for my vocal.</i></b> Please see #1 (this one's not so universal, although it kind of is, because in the greater LA area, everyone's got label connects and/or a deal pending).<br />
<b>5. </b>The <b><i>hummin/comin at ya</i></b>, how it's always going away then popping back up in the song, is something like perfection only that sounds trite so I won't say it. You can just <i>tell </i>Muggs puts his time in, though - he really fucking <i>cares </i>about the stuff he puts out. I <i>will </i>say that. <br />
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Honorable mention: <i><b>putos</b></i>. The way they just spit it out, so full of venom.<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">9. We're supposed to believe <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbCQKCdzs30"><span style="color: blue;">“Time 4 Sum Aksion”</span></a> was produced by Erick Sermon, </span></b><br />
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I guess back when he and CH were ‘90s buddies and used to...<i>Ruffhouse </i>together? (No? Teehee?...Groan. Sorry.) However, I know <i>for a fact</i> that “Time 4 Sum Aksion” was crafted by the hands of the basketball gods themselves, with care and love, for the purpose of having every high school team between the years 1992 and ’95 use the song as its warm-up music. And in a comical note, Wikipedia has a collection of “popular culture” instances in which the song appeared—a list of the 259 boxers/wrestlers/MMA dudes who have used the song as their intro theme. Not on the list: <i>me</i>, even though this song is my “getting fucking <i>psyched </i>to conquer the hordes at the DMV” motivation. <i>Let's get ready to ruuumbllllllllle.</i> Mr. Sermon also used it in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iXaiJNbCLU"><span style="color: blue;">“Cummin Atcha”</span></a> from that same time period (I get it, Erick - you liked the first Cypress Hill album); that song's only remarkable for the <i>liggedy-let the nines clap</i> line, which reminds me that it was the height of the 9mm era, and I guess one could argue that we're still in that era, but honestly for the last 10-12 years in lyrics the mighty Desert Eagle has stolen the show.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>10. That “Duke of Earl” sample makes no sense within the lyrical context of </b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>“</b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>Hand on the Pump,</b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b>”</b></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b> but this is forgivable.</b></span><br />
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<i>I knowwww I can’t afforrrrrd to stop</i> is what comes into my mind, first thing, when I think of a break that's appropriate to the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFyTzjJDeCk"><span style="color: blue;">thematic and lyrical elements of an MC's story</span></a>. On the opposite end of the appropriateness scale,<i> Squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her</i>, while <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoEKWtgJQAU"><span style="color: blue;">beauuuuutifully chopped up</span></a> and placed in between J and K's stanzas, is a terribly irrelevant and dumb Otis snippet to <span style="font-size: small;">use in a song about having lunch with Charles Schwab or whatever the fuck those two are yammering on about. If I may, J and K: I would suggest an Otis song about having dreams to remember, or the <i>We don't want nothing but joy, y'all/Nothing but joy</i> from </span><span style="font-size: small;"><b>“</b>Cigarettes and Coffee<b>,</b></span><span style="font-size: small;"><b>” </b></span><span style="font-size: small;">in a song about jets and cash and being able to dodge charges in the American legal system just like Dominique Strauss-Kahn.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> You're welcome, J and K! Really, J and K, it was nothing. But I <i>would </i>like a co-producer credit, please. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">So the use of this particular break makes no sense, but <b><i>Duke duke duke, duke of</i></b> just sounds really fresh in a rap song about hunters v. hunted and being fucked v. being the one doing the fucking; nothing less than that, but nothing <i>more</i>, either. I guess to justify its use, you could say the narrators are establishing their royal status within their social system - Sen and B are dukes, figuratively speaking? Really, though, it's just a sample that LA guys raised on K-Earth and Art Laboe wanted to use, so they found a place for it on the album. </span><span style="font-size: small;">Why I can forgive inappropriateness when Muggs does it but I cannot when Kanye does will go down as one of apt. 680’s eternal mysteries - right up there with </span><span style="font-size: small;"><b>“</b>how come some teenage boy actors can grow up and become fine, fine rappers (Mos) and others make me want to kill myself (Drake).</span><span style="font-size: small;"><b>”</b></span><br />
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Loganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03831634411799960028noreply@blogger.com1