Tuesday, July 21, 2009

"Hip hop glaucoma, baby/I prescribe the glasses." - High & Mighty.

Rappers these days ('94) are fickle when it comes to fashion (African-American College Alliance sweatshirts, anyone?) but sporting a classy pair of glasses will always be fa-RESH, I know this for a fact. Page 118 of Logan's Field Guide to MCs (I see you, Ego Trip) informs us that when you're trying to decide which bar-spitting dude to put on your hi-fi, you just can't go wrong with a rapper with real bad vision.

This rule states that if he wears glasses, he's dope (if not exceedingly so, at least to some degree), but please, let's be mindful not to overcrowd this group with stragglers and hangers-on. I needed to see a prolonged glasses commitment from individuals who Move the Crowd (you too trendy with it, Def Jef and Q-Tip; sorry) in order to be significantly inspired to make them part of this special population. It is with some regret, unfortunately, that I have to say that Jay-Z does NOT meet the criteria in order to be up in this. He just started wearing 'em like a week ago.

Also, the highly ironically named Glasses Malone will not be making an appearance. All the dudes I am honoring have been making a spectacle of themselves for yearrrrs. Oh, and I really liked "Bumpin My Music," Mr. Ray Cash, but I need more than 1 little (albeit superdope) single to place you on the list below. No redshirts in this post, buddy.

So I went into the locker room during classes
Went into your locker and I smashed your glasses.


Goes to St. John's University; since kinde-garten he acquired the knowledge, and after 12th grade he went straight to college. (Also: light skinned, lives in Queens, loves eatin chicken and collard greens. Doesn't need glasses for that but I thought you should know.)
Needs glasses to find his dorm and to be able to see the board during Econ 101 lectures.

I see ya tweakin, I see ya peekin
y'all bootches with me, why you sleepin?

Glasses = the better to see my thizz face with, to select the appropriate scraper in which to come pick me up 'cause I live in the cut, then we're cupcakin, slappin, yadadamean, yaypered UP.

Mr. Lif.
"corrective lenses are somethin' that I wear, so I can see the globe real clear
Look, there's famine over there, plus the families in fear."

Glasses are necessary to see the teeny tiny group of MCs that have emerged from Boston and found success.

Grand Puba. (and Sadat X, sometimes)

How else is he gonna read books by his man Donald Goines, dumb dumb.

MC Serch.

Needs glasses in order to spot Don Newkirk in the wild, to identify the next John Brown, to see all things black that equal evil (black cat, the color bad guys wear, etc.)

Kool G Rap.

Probably just wears 'em because he knew it would inspire heads to start biting (this is a theme in his life). If he actually needs glasses, it's to see the careers of a million rappers he's influenced unfolding in front of him, to see the Road to Riches, and to keep an eye on things in the Streets of New York. Also, glasses are helpful in order to see and then prepare for the affections of an oncoming nerdy lady blogger when she tries to rush you in the club and tell you, "OMG KOOL G RAP you are so amazing and I love you, I write about you all the time on my blog and you are amazing and oh did I mention I love you."

Zev Love X.

Needs glasses to jot down all seven thousand of his aliases in order to keep track.

Humpty Hump
The bathroom at Burger King ain't gonna find itself, pahtna.
(Also, needs to see where the ladies' biscuits are when he wants to grab 'em.


Needs glasses while sitting alone in his four-cornered room staring at candles, to see visions of bodies being burned, to see a man cry and see a man die, to see how many n--as in his hood is down to die today, to see your picture in his head (which makes his hand shake), aaaand to generally oversee operations in the Lone Star state since he is the governor/emperor/king/bawss of Texas (sorry, Bun. You're second in command, daddy.)

The RU-ler.

Needs glasses in order to see self in mirror, then to inquire who is the top choice of them all. Also, needs glasses so he can see Mona Lisa's various physical attributes. Plus it's hard to have great adventures when you can't see 10 feet in front of you. Also applicable: the nerdy lady blogger warning given to Kool G above.

Pimp C.

Heavy D.

I don't know/care what he needs glasses for, and he's probably an exception to the "glasses on the face = excellent bars coming out the mouth" rule I just spent all this time explaining, but as evidenced below, we cannot, in fact, see what he can see, and he has returned from the year 1992 to tell us so. You're blind, baby!

Heavy D -You Can't See What I Can See


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