Todd English looks like Morrissey, and Tom from "500 Days" is easy.

Reality show judge-type person x real-life music god, Round 2.

#1. That guy (Nisan's his name) on that show called "Making His Band," about those adorable kids who are, for some reason, vying for a talent-wasting spot backing Sean Combs when he takes his awful bag of songs out on tour,

looks like GZA.

#2. "Top Chef" is that show about cooks which is hosted by that lady who is Salman Rushdie's ex-wife even though I should be Salman's ex- or current-wife. Is it wrong that if he's a writer and is or was the target of a fatwa it makes a dude like 20 times more appealing to me? Nope, probably not. They had chef Todd English on last night, who was a judge and who is no doubt a rude and awful man because he's a chef and chefs always are. Bourdain can get away with it because for some reason he gives the ladies some hot, older-man, mean-daddy throbs. I am a member of this group called "the ladies" and so yes, Bourdain does this to me (ish). Alas, Todd English is no Bourdain.

What Todd English does have, though, is that Todd English

looks like Morrissey.

Like a swarthy, non-Brit Morrissey. Who eats meat.

I picked "There is a Light" to be the one for this post, selecting it out of Morrissey's entire catalog because c'mon. It's the best. It also makes me think of Zooey in 500 Days of Summer, a movie which was cute and which made me feel disoriented because it set the bar so low for girl-music-fan-dom. The boy character is named Tom; he loves Summer because she is nice and pretty and she is Original, an open-minded free thinking type. Summer is The Coolest because she likes something called "Belle and Sebastian" and "The Smiths," so much that she even knows the Words to their Songs, and that's all it takes, evidently, to get a boy to look at you like you have a twin sister, your own weed farm, and NFL Sunday Ticket. Tom lives, I guess, in a cave, or in a part of LA that is not reachable by freeways or human females, because he has never met anything like Summer in his life, ever. She brushes her hair, doesn't have 3 eyes or a speech impediment, and likes The Graduate. Tom is held rapt, he can't believe his luck at finding this girl! Whuuuut, nobody with breasts likes The Smiths! 'The fuck outta here!

And I walked out of the theater feeling like an anomaly with hips, like a unicorn or a woodland fairy or hologram, thinking, It's a good thing Tom and I have not yet met, because I would probably make his special area explode with delight.


The Smiths - "There is a Light that Never Goes Out"

mp3.


Oh and this one too! Morrissey - "Sunny."
Because it's a cliche please stop using heroin, my friend song but it is so pretty and melodic, it'll make you feel extra triumphant when you heart that My heart goes out to youuuu. I'll be humming it all day.

mp3.



. . . .


.
.
.