No Fucking Way: NFL, poor people, and ladies' fashions edition

1. It is not good for a woman's foot to be in heels, says science (via the LA Times). It causes pain later in life and is just generally something a woman shouldn't put herself through.

OHGOD why didn't somebody tell me this sooner. It's bad for my foot to be frozen at an ungodly 45-degree incline and for my whole 120 lbs to be carried by the ball of my foot and my 5 dainty toes so that my posture is thrown out of wack and my booty protrudes in a sexy fashion? 'The fuck out!

Science, you treat me like I'm a dummy and I don't like it.

On a positive note, have you seen girly legs/bottoms in heels? OF COURSE YOU HAVE, at the cluuuuhb. SWEET LORD, it'll cause you pain! In your crotch area! But in a good way! You go with your boys and style/profile, ass-watch, and probably assign numerical value to each lady who walks by. Dude, I listen to Howard Stern and I've seen The Man Show. Do not front, please.

Sweden's finest furniture, plus me showing the business section who's boss while fully killing 'em (by myself, in apt. 302) via foot-destroyers.

Balance is not a problem for me (it's 'cause of my extra on-point inner-ear game, sonnn) but being like 6 feet tall at the bar is so unpleasant for a shy girl such as myself who prefers to blend in, people-watch, and sing along with "Ask" in my head that I just wear "I'd rather be at home reading" all over my little face. See, dudes talk to me on the computer but not in real life and that's probably why. Shyness is nice, but listen, it can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

2. "Dementia risk vastly higher for former NFL players," or "Getting hit in your skull repeatedly by large men is not good for your poor soft brain and might cause your brain to stop working," says science (via the NY Times).

WHO CARES. I'm still ready for some football.

3. "Poor people even poorer, sicker during recession. Also, there are too many poor people and not enough health care" - Reuters, in its "Health News for You, Moron" section.

I believe I have already reported this information in my hard-hitting expose circa May '09, complete with a Supreme Clientele tie-in. Shut up and stop clogging up my Internet with useless things I already know, Reuters and other newsy organizations in my RSS feed.

The Cool Kids - "Shut Up," AKA "Swiff D channels Collipark in '05 channeling Pharrell in '97 channeling Rubin in '87."

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Har Mar. Jedi Robe Tricks. Mike H.

1. My agent did not apprise me of the casting of "Ambiguously ethnic girls who like glitter, pillow fights and popsicles" and now look, I got left out and didn't get to kick it with Eva M. and Alia Shawkat on set.

Har Mar Superstar - "Tall Boy"



OF COURSE the dark-skinned lady is the one fellating a popsicle and this makes me say "Oh dear" to myself. Even if this image is ironic...umm, we're not quite there yet as a culture. OH HAR MAR.
(I'm not looking to pick a fight with messages from media; fights just come lookin for me, you see.)






2. Jedi Bathrobe!
You know, so that The Force can help keep you warm and dry and not drip all over the carpet.

I hold down the Bronx like a fat Jedi/But my lightsaber's not a laser, it's a tech-semi.

Big Pun, "Loco Bananas"
(first and last Big Pun mention on here; I hope it was good for you)

This is so dope and so stupid that you must own it. And whenever you wear it, I will pounce and make sweet sci-fi love to you while softly whisper-rapping "You live at home with your mom" in your nerdy ear.


In a perfect Internet, Nas' "Star Wars" goes right here in mp3 form to help solidify this post
(OR "Hellz Wind Staff," 'cause of that Luke Skywalker line),

but it just wasn't meant to be (i.e., I couldn't find it online because I'm inadequate).
S'ok, I'm gonna regroup, take some time to reflect, then come back even harder next time. Don't lose faith in me.







3. NYC skate legend infiltrates my very Internet being. (sort of)

In the last 24 hours, a certain Mike Hernandez individual has come across my computer screen in 2 significant ways. He was last seen in Slap mag in my little brother's room, in like '95, but oh here we are, back together again.


First this,

NYC Bridge Rollers, riding high while propelled by the power of Faze-O. Much like myself.
Part of the "boys on fixies" trend that's so hot a couple years back. '07 STAND UP.
(via...I can't remember. Prob Hypebeast.)




And this...back when getting your pic with him really meant something.
(Sorry, Hov!)

'98. Angela Boatwright photo.

Cheese Wagstaff - “New York.”
A) Remember this?, and
B) Whatever happened to this? Is it on an album, or no? Somebody take my hand and lead me to the light.


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Thing #5,009 that Jim Jones could say and sound like an idiot but that Meth can pull off because he is Meth

When I see photos like this I really should just walk away.
WALK AWAY, LOGAN.

Breaks-obsessing on Monday afternoon in apt. 302 while I await health care reform...

today it's Rae and his Cuban Links, This Time It's Personal record. I remember an Internet flurry when “New Wu” uhmm “leaked” (I see you, EMI and subsidiaries, and I was not, in fact, born yesterday); I also remember this flurry was justified because of Meth on the hook (yay) plus Rae brought Ghosty along (yayyy) to remind us all that the Holy Trinity of Wu-ery is still reckonwithable. Lyrically, Ghost refers to himself as Urlacher, beasting at the top of the pile, and it is grand; Meth refers to himself as a “good dude” and guess what, that's grand too. Plus it has this incredible Magictones break* that for some reason I do not have in my collection (???); therefore, attention please, I shall henceforth be on the hunt for it at all future record swap meets. Gimme.


I decided that Meth's verse could pass as a Jim Jones verse, except Jimmy would probably say hard rock to rhyme with hard rock because he is not a good MC and I hate him.

“This is hard body, hard knocks, if you pushing that hard rock
Then let these n---as go off top
We rock fitted, drop kitted, I live it and not quit it
I pitch it, my pops sniffed it, mean business, I'm not finished.”

I hate Jim with the heat of 17 white-hot suns; this is not news. The dude is a real drag, and in two-thousand-and-nine Anno Domini I should not still be seeing him on various hip-hop sites. Plus remember how he killed all those people in Guyana? HOW SOON WE FORGET, PEOPLE.

But in a fun and special twist,

guess what, if Mef says the exact same rhymed words he's somehow the Oscar Wilde of music (next to Doomsies, of course), transcendentally witty and quip-y! But how could this be? The words are exactly the same! OH the mysterious ways of the universe and the powers of the human male voice! PS, he's free of blame in mass revolutionary suicide cases involving Kool-Aid.

Good dude.

“This is hard body, hard knocks, if you pushing that hard rock
Then let these n---as go off top
We rock fitted, drop kitted, I live it and not quit it
I pitch it, my pops sniffed it, mean business, I'm not finished.”

SWOON. I would like you, Clifford, and your smoky voice and your grin to squire me about town, then help me take our relationship to the next level with some nice, uncomplicated carnality. Or just read the phone book to me while I roll your L's; would you like that? Hmm? You like that?





mp3.
You should buy the album. Don't be a bum.



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Scientists won't let the swarm be great.

Overt group pride = group insecurity, say social scientists.

Research nerds (other than myself) seem to think that the hubris and expressions of braggart-ness displayed by a certain crack commando unit of MCs are an indication of insecurity and low social status as opposed to a sign of strength.

“The new study reveals how two types of pride are related to a person's good feelings about one social group or another to which they belong. These good feelings could come from being a Los Angeles Lakers fan (when they win), a war veteran, a member of a particular ethnic group or a sorority gal or fraternity brother. But while authentic pride is linked with real confidence in your group, hubristic pride is a false arrogance that belies insecurities about one's group.”

To this, I say It's not braggin if you can back it up. I would also like to add: SUUUU.



This news is nothing new in my life, as I am aware that the groups with the most unwavering convictions to fight for what is good and just have historically been the recipients of the most hatred: feminists, Black Panthers, grown men who refer to themselves as swarming bees, thick like plaster, and who are like soldiers of fortune on the run for a crime they didn't commit. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them...



Oh the triumph in this song! Don't you feel like you could totally punch somebody in the face and get away with it when you hear this?

(See, also 'cause there was that song “Triumph.” It works on so many levels.)




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Cuomo & Carter. Cooke. Algebra.

1. Little Dwayne is taking a break from his stretch of making tiny, adorable humans to record a piece of brat-rock with Weezer. This is either just god-awful and terrible, a bad thing that should never come to pass, or it's my new favorite song of oh-nine that I make fun of publicly but turn up in the car when it comes on the radio. Also, Rivers is kind of a jerk who thinks that rappers stay strapped and constantly drunk.

Rivers and JD in what appears to be a frigid recording studio.

“Weezer is always trying something new...So I reached out to some friends of mine in different genres: Jermaine Dupri, for example, king of R&B, I wrote a song with him called ‘Can't Stop Partying.’ It was a real challenge for me, taking his ideas, which are very slick, R&B party [ideas], and giving it some kind of edge...

“Not only that, but we got Lil Wayne to come in and do a rap on it. Any other rapper would've just gone, ‘Yay, we're partying! Let's drink and have fun,’ but he gave it the edge I was looking for. You can hear in his voice, it sounds so dark, like he was gonna get shot or something when he walks out of the studio.”

Things Rivers Cuomo says/does that make me hate him with surprising intensity:

1. “Rappers are mostly alcohol dependent and live in fear of the gun.” Evidently that Lit 101 seminar at Harvard about deconstructing our frames of reference that underpin notions of identity and culture didn't take.
2. “Jermaine Dupri = king of R&B.”
3. Has a song called “Can't Stop Partying” yet is not Lionel Richie in 1984.
4. Named album Raditude. I need a personal apology for this - preferably a nice hand-written note.
5. Is still around and it's not '05. (what I mean is that today it's not '05. Check back tomorrow in apt. 302, though - Come On Feel the Illinoise came out last Tuesday and I'm having a listening party!)




2. Sam Cooke biopic in the works. Whatthehelltooksolong but I'm not interested, thank you, as I have many other things to do with my time; the news does give me a reason to post this*, though, because a) I'm a girl and I am required by law to swoon at the opening notes of the song, and b) I was supposed to be alive, and about 17 years old, in 1964. Also, although I'm definitely not interested in seeing it (lots of things to do with my time; I just told you), might I suggest Chiwetel Ejiofor for this role? Everyone knows Nigerians go hard, so hard.

I got the soul of a young Sam Cooke when I spit

It make you wanna make a new dance up. - Tariq

Sam Cooke was unusual and epic in the fact that he owned the rights to his music via various recording and publishing entities he controlled.
(That fact doesn't really fit anywhere else in the post but it's so amazing that I had to fit it in.)

*“You Send Me.” Honest you do.

mp3.




3. Hey, how'd you manage to unearth the notebook of the dude sitting next to me in 8th-grade Algebra? You're a super sleuth!


I did a lot of daydreaming in this class (damn you, Ben P in the aisle next to me and 3 seats up), believed that the topic was stupid and said so often, and had to take it again in summer school due to an unsatisfactory performance. You don't really see the point of Algebra until later, much later.

The Wu, on the other hand, makes sense from that very first moment.



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Harold. Akira Ruiz. David & Andrea.

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“It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men.”

- Mae West.

Reda's book.

2. Found this picture of Spectacularly Pensive Ron-Ron,



and this one, which I have lovingly named "Slightly Less Pensive Ron-Ron, Plus Children, in Queens,"




then discovered they are both from Akira's site. As are these:

His Air Force 1 series is beautiful. I am fond of it.





KR.

There's this thing that I do not have but that I need.
It's called superior handstyle.

3. JESUS CHRIST, looka here.


The 2 hippies!, pre-Logan, pre-marriage, shutting it down and straight changing the game with all the weed and Coors you could dream of, Santa Cruz mountains, 1975.
I can hear "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" playing as I look at this.

Now please stop asking me where I "get it from."

(Just kidding; don't stop! I like it.)




In a related story,

My Parents Were Awesome.



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The sperm of Dwayne Carter is an unstoppable force unlike anything we have experienced thus far

Baaaasically just so I could post this picture.
(and the song below)

More Weezay DNA will soon be walking the earth, ensuring that another lucky child make me jealous by having Mannie Fresh as a godfather.
(It's still '97; clearly you did not get the memo).

“Looks like Weezy does not believe in the use of condoms. Word on the block is that Weezy has once again poked some random chick raw and got her pregnant. Rumors are that the new baby is not Lauren London's, Nivea's, or Toya's! All I know is that four different baby mama's is not a good look.

Weezy is just out of control! At the same time we also have to blame those ignorant ladies out here who have allowed him to go in raw. Please pass homeboy a box of condoms before it's too late. In the meantime we are just gonna sit back & sip our cough syrup until the new baby mama comes forward. If you see that hoe, please point her out!”

“Poked some random chick raw” does not get enough play on HeightFiveSeven.

Also, “Poked some random chick raw”? I'm starting to think you bloggers are a judgmental bunch, talking about folks you don't even know and making critiques and throwing around the term hoe like it's nothing! Also, that cough syrup part made me cringe from sheer unfunny-ness. Stop it.


Ramsey Lewis (x The White Album) - “Cry Baby Cry”

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And then there was that time the judge lady and the large-eared man in stripes made me smile

Sonia "Badass/Princeton Tigress/Yale Bulldog/Charlie Hustle" Sotomayor throws out the first pitch at the Yankees - Red Sox game, 09/26/09 (AP photo).

And I don't even like baseball, but it was too charming not to post.

John Fogerty - “Centerfield.” Because I'm corny and love all things '85. And handclaps.

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And there the sun burns crimson bright.

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Shel Silverstein's birthday! 09/25/30.

His books + my childhood equals me being all grown up and majoring in English and loving/being headphone-seduced by dudes who have mastered that thing called wordplay.
TEAM SHEL FO LIFE.

Wrote “A Boy Named Sue.” And, AND, he's from Logan Square in Chicago.


“For thoughts I see hot like three meals with a cot included/Where the Sidewalk Ends and all your linear math gets diluted.”
TEAM COFLOW (Rawkus era) FO LIFE.





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David Gilmour, you are nothing in the face of unbridled Los Angeles hip hop

At night we praise Allah and adore the moon.
- Wu

Syd Barrett, clutching himself out of sheer tortured brilliance,
and some other dudes trying to catch his light.

Obviously you're already seen this “Top 10 Amazing Moon Facts” feature on LiveScience.com, obviously, but I really wanted to drive some of the main points home for you.

The most important and life-altering part of the article is Fact #8 - that, “Contrary to what you might have heard, there is no ‘dark side’ of the moon. There is, however, a ‘far side’ that we can't see from Earth... (The) moon goes around the Earth once and spins on its axis once, all in the same amount of time, and it shows us just one face the whole time.”

Aw. So sorry, pale concept-album Brits! Turns out creative dudes from LA have one-upped you again, Pink Floyd. Shoulda worked with J-Swift in the studio around '92; you probably wouldn't be looking so bloody foolish right now. BLIMEY.


The Pharcyde - “Oh Shit.” 'Cause it's underrated, and 'cause I already did a tired old “Passin' Me By” post.

mp3.






I'm not the kind of girl/Who gives up just like that. Oh no.
Bonus science x record collection nerdage like I'm Isaac Asimov writing for Wax Po while wearin a bathing suit. You guys should be paying me more; you really should.

Fact #2 - Tides on Earth are caused by the moon's gravity pulling on Earth's oceans. In a lovely Sun Ra-ish image, high tide aligns with the moon as Earth spins underneath - and another high tide occurs on the opposite side of the planet at the same time because of this same effect. At full moon and new moon, the sun, Earth and moon are lined up, producing higher than normal tides (called spring tides, for the way they spring up).

“All this tugging has another interesting effect: Some of Earth's rotational energy is stolen by the moon, causing our planet to slow down by about 1.5 milliseconds every century. Our days are getting longer and longer.”


The Paragons (written/sung by John Holt!) - “The Tide is High.” Sorry, Debbie H. Nice try, mama.

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Media trend that I do not understand or care for #5,360: Pale-skinned ladies looking uncomfortable and this allegedly being sexy

From the land of the Straight Male Gaze (i.e., print media...oh hell, the entire world) comes all these recent photo shoots arguing that THIS IS THE SEX:









I like a pretty pretty lady just like every other stripper/librarian in this town, but the ones depicted above don't make me clamor to give them an invitation to the pants party. Somebody please explain; I'm like a (tiny, adorable) doe lost in the woods.


Handsome Furs - “I'm Confused”

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GQ/Details/Esquire, I believe that Allure mag has sonned you in terms of sexy-girl photographic imagery - and Allure is a mag for ladies. It shouldn't be this way, but sometimes it takes a competitor in the world of periodicals to come along and make you rethink your photo shoot direction. I mean, I think we all remember where we were, what time it was, and what we were wearing when we first experienced

THIS.

(Sorry for fucking up your whole program. I should've warned you not to click unless you want to make sure you are completely distracted the rest of the day. I still haven't recovered)



PS - UHHMM. Buddy buddy buddy all in my face? Additional photo-shoot confusion.

My former Internet paramour Malin. This leaves me feeling awkward, and that's hard to do, and it leaves me feeling dirty, and not in a good way, and this is bad, so bad, and NOT bad meaning good like it's '85. It could be because the dainty undergarments are black; I just don't know. I want to run away from this, as I am feeling besmirched.

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Too many suckers and not enough time.

“Take it easy” (my mom's version)

“Take it easy” (Mad Lion version, AKA my version)

It's sad that if you're a musician and you mix hiphop and reggae and you try to get assistance in blowing up and moving units from KRS-One in the mid-'90s, you will be banished to the hiphop netherworld,

until nerds with Internet access come along and unearth you and grab you by your scruff and hold you up for the world to see like Simba in The Lion King.

Welcome back from '94, Mad Lion.



Mad Lion - “Take It Easy”

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1. Listening to that voice makes my throat hurt. That gotta take it eas-y hook is the best, both because it sounds melodic and sweet and because it's a good reminder about the best disposition to have as you navigate the world. Relax, dude. You take it too seriously, like it's a gamble. Take it easy.


2. Video, complete with special appearances by a skinny KRS (who produced it) and a less-obese Obese Joe.




3. That hook is about 30 seconds in. But the whole song is lovely.



4. The Stalag riddim was made by superproducer Winston Riley in 1973 and, like me, is a classic, and, like me, is nothing, nothing, without its bassline. It was the instrumental to Ansell Collins' “Stalag 17,” named after the Billy Wilder movie of 1953 about prisoners in WWII (stalag was the term used in Germany for POW camps).



Still LOVE this riddim, always will. Circle of life, baby.


Sister Nancy - “Bam Bam”

mp3.



Tenor Saw “Ring the Alarm”

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Too $hort's Stalag.
Large Pro's.
Premier's.
Mecca's. The Soul Brother's. Both of 'em.



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Common is old and positive and it is annoying (and other rap news), 09/24/09

1.
Common tells CNN there's less talk of rims and chains in the rap music these days because President Dreamboat is in charge and fools are more conscious now, y'all. Ostentatious lyrical talk is “super played-out,” he says, but everybody knows if you're from Chicago it's bogus. OH COM. You're so out of touch.

He “hopes more rappers abandon vacuous materialistic ideals and the glorification of vices plaguing American communities -- ‘and whatever MC doesn't, I will,’ he warned.’” Then he gave us all a copy of Manchild in the Promised Land and asked if we wanted a ride to the co-op for groceries (nothing over-processed and nothing that once had a face, obviously).

Sigh. Happens to all of 'em eventually. Nobody I know and love has cared about this dude since Be (OMG, remember how good Be was? JESUS), but it's still annoying to see a classic '90s action hero cross over into Old-Mans-ville. The sun rises and sets, children grow older, and rappers do Gap commercials then date the tennis star then give quotes to CNN about the state of hip-hop. To everything, turn, turn, turn.

It's finally time for me to move on, I suppose, from 1992. HA. I kid! NEVER moving on from '92! Have we just met?? Here's Com in his glory days, when we loved him the best, talking about some lady who won't let him hit it.

“Breaker 1-9”

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2. Les and JuJu are starring in a play, says XXL. Bob Fosse and Leonard Bernstein, watch out now!

I believe the term you're thinking of here is “subtle imagery.”

The Beatnuts will be starring in a play written and conceived by journalist/His Holy Ego Trip-ness/my ex-boyfriend Sacha Jenkins called Deez Nuts, because evidently nobody could think of a better pun (?).

According to Jenkins, Deez Nuts follows a journalist as he interviews founding members Psycho Les and JuJu outside of a Bodega in their shared hometown of Corona, Queens. It will feature live performances by the group as well as a full cast of actors.

3. Rae, in a rare misstep, wants old rappers to do remakes of their classics. That's great. Really great. Hey, you know what? I want a pony, access to the Def Jam masters (hi Russ!), and Britt Eklund's whole appearance and bearing. Let's keep each other posted on our respective goals, what do you say, Rae.


“I'd like to see Nas do another Illmatic. See Snoop do another [Doggystyle]. I'd like to see Hov do another Reasonable Doubt. I'd like to Slick Rick come back with the another Great Adventures of Slick Rick. I'd like to see Rakim do another Paid in Full. ... I'm hip-hop for real. We could go on for days. I would like to see another Criminal Minded.” (MTV News)


The only things I have to say are 1) NO, 2) um, hello, I didn't see Hustler's P.O.M.E. on that list, and 3) BABY RAE IN A YELLOW SHIRT, so epic.



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Picture bloodbaths and elevator shafts*.

They just announced the winners of the Genius grants from the MacArthur Foundation, said my copy of the LA Times yesterday morning.
Ooohhh, I got all excited and almost spilled my tea all over myself!

But, oh, hey, listen. They're not Genius grants; they're genius grants. You know, for lesser geniuses like these guys, not one of whom had a memorable verse on 36 Chambers:





Some of these are genius-er than others. Like it's nice that somebody wants to develop theories to explain global climate change, but as I understand it, we already know there's climate change and science has tried to explain how it works...but science keeps bumping up against people for whom the explanation to everything is Jesus.

And the dude who wants to study avian development, evolution, and behavior... somebody should tell him that birds are pretty dullsville. Unless you're produced by the Neptunes and it's '02.

But still...I'm putting the hate in a drawer for now and acknowledging the fine work of these individuals. Especially you, Jerry Mitchell - examining unsolved murders from the Civil Rights era, DOPE. Let me assist you, pretty please, and May the Wu-Tang W's Light Shine Upon You for the rest of your days.


David Porter - “I'm Afraid the Masquerade is Over”
OOOHHH, mad one! We see your trap! You can never escape your fate!

mp3.



*related to nothing in this post; I just always liked that opening.
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