Friday, December 4, 2009

"Henn Rock, strong enough to make your heartbeat stop."

Ron-Ron's the mic-ripper, girl-stripper, Henny-sipper!
(well...that last thing, at least)

Because any Lakers mention in the news instantly turns me into a defensive 13-year-old boy*, I had no choice but to address the Ronald W. Artest Hennessy Incident of December Oh-Nine.

The No Booze Association is upset with Ron-Ron for saying he used to spend private moments with his girl Henny during halftime when he played for the Bulls. After a couple days of tense waiting and breath-holding in apt. 302 regarding Ronald's fate, a decision's come down from the NBA administrative ranks: the
basketball appropriateness cops have decided not to suspend him for his “inflammatory comments.” Wonderful, and the right move, but David Stern's still a little shaky about this and everybody on those awful sports talk radio shows I listen to won't shut up about it.

OK. First off, he played for the Bulls, who were awful at the time. Seems to me he was just trying to ease his pain and relax a little in the locker room. Back up off. Also, everybody's forgetting that a whole lot of good stuff was released around then, musically speaking. Things Fall Apart came out, Blackout! came out, Black on Both Sides came out, Internal Affairs came out, Supreme Clientele, Both Sides of the Brain, Fantastic vol. 2; people, it was a grand time to be alive and everybody was celebrating. David Stern, sir, I'm almost positive you listen to Billy Joel and that's why you'll never understand this. To wrap it up, let me add that Ronald's from the wonderful land of Queensbridge so of course that means I'm always gonna say Let him do what he wants.

Determination of Ron's overall score as follows:

- 16 points for
honesty, comic value of this whole thing, and good taste. (MMM, Hennessssssyyyy. It's no Red Stripe, but delicious nonetheless.)
- Plus 9 points for that “jersey number in honor of epic albums” thing he's mastered.
- Minus 12 points for living the stereotype (rich black man + Henny), and for acting bitchy in putting a “positive spin” on his story once he realized there would be fallout (“I was going through a rough time; kids, don't be like me, and/or alcohol's not the answer to your problems” yeah yeah). Correct me if I'm wrong, but: Fuck a positive spin. The dirty truth will set us free, plus it's way funner.
- Plus 3 points for this, and OH HOLD UP:
- He's friends with Pacquiao! Plus 5 points.

Additionally, no points assigned but Extra Credit for sure due to Ron being married but not fucking around on his wife with hoes in different area codes (that we know of, at least). Well played, Ronald. Now 1) Win LA a follow-up championship, and 2) Do something about that hair.

Years later, that Tommy Hil line STILL pisses me off. STILLLLL. Oh Tip. Tsk tsk.



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