The Stylistics!

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” - Errol Flynn


“Picture me snotty nose sittin on my aunt's lap/The kid like 5 or 6, shit I will curse back/I got it from the older folks sittin in the living room/Everybody had cups, Stylistics on boom.” - Ghosty. This pic is The Stylistics-era Stylistics, rather than the Hurry Up This Way Again Stylistics. But I had to post it because of the pants.

Name: The Stylistics, Hurry Up This Way Again (TSOP*, 1980).

*The Sound of Philadelphia.


Is this title acceptable? Yes! I like it. It’s sweet, but also kind of bossy. I like that combination. “Hurry up, girl. You sure are fine/brilliant/hilarious, but herry uppp.”



Produced by: Dexter Wansel, who arranged and co-produced “Love TKO” and made “Theme from the Planets.”



("I Ain't No Joke." "We're All in the Same Gang." "Gutfest '89." "Castle to Castle." "Not Your Average Girl." "TKO." "Spotlight." )



Global events at the time of its release: In late '80, the Gang of Four trial began in China. I had never heard of the Communist Gang of Four before this post; I just like that "Damaged Goods" song. In high school I found out about the Biafra region and was the last time I was similarly excited about world history as reflected in music names. Ronald Reagan was also just-elected in late '80 and things were about to not go so well in my country, America. The only good thing that happened was that pic of PE in Minor Threat shirts. “Master Blaster” was #1, though, so things could've been worse, you know?



Entered my life: Last March. Amoeba. $4.99. It had been a long and arduous search. Then I found it. It just appeared. I was shocked and pleased. And the clouds did part and the birds did sing. It was my birthday and I spent just over $300 that day and all that vinyl weight was so hard on my poor scrawny arms. I have some regrets in life—should’ve learned to read music years ago; shouldn’t be so shy—but I will never regret 1) telling someone I really like him in whatever way is most appropriate (words, unbridled physicality) 'cause life's too short, nor 2) buying records I must have, even though I’m broke. In both scenarios, my unstoppable enthusiasm always overpowers my normally level-headed and thoughtful nature.



Difficulty of finding, vinyl-wise (1-10 scale): A quick eBay search reveals you can get a copy for anywhere from $7.50 to $12.00. Of course, cyber-diggers have no soul and will not be seeing me naked. In person, finding this record was probably a 5 before The Shining* came out. It's now a 7. Also in recent years, the term broads for ladies started showing up in rap and all of a sudden there was a glut of songs asking if I've ever seen a Chevy with butterfly doors (I have, dear).





Breaks contained:

“Hurry Up This Way Again”: Jay-Z, “Politics as Usual.” Years later, it would also show up on that Curren$y album, which proves that from '96 til 2010, Ski retained his love for Philly soul groups. Aw Ski. Me too, buddy.

*“Maybe It’s Love This Time”: Styles P, “Black Magic” but who cares because the breaks champ here is and will always be DILLLAAAA feat. Guilty & Madlib, “Baby”--still stopping me in my tracks, still, years later, and still making me enjoy delicious wordplay like The same day I met her, we backstage in the bathroom/She got a mouth like a vacuum/We them boys with the chains on our neck/Every five minutes we untanglin them. The first thing has nothing to do with the second thing--unless it's the chains that compel her to do it?--but still. It works.





Reason for this post on today of all days: I heard Dilla as bumper music on NPR's Morning Edition last Friday, unless it was just my brain getting all glitchy and daydreamy again while sitting in traffic-? Did anyone else hear it? The “Love Jones” instrumental?



Facts of nerdy interest that excite me and might show up on Jeopardy! someday:

Philadelphia rappers who have sampled The Stylistics: .....

Philadelphia rappers who have not, ever, sampled The Stylistics for some reason even though it’s a crime against humanity/music: Freeway, Beanie Sigel, the Roots, Bahamadia, Cassidy, Peedi, Gillie. Why. Whyyyy. It's hard for me to wrap my head around this.

Thick like big bread basket sandwiches!
(no.)

Sartorial accompaniment: Pretty, soft, dark blue sleep thingie from H&M that was $10. Viscose/nylon. Wash with like colors, tumble dry low.



Suitable activities while listening: Get ready for church, then band practice.

OH WAIT, NO. What do you think, silly? I'm wearing a thin piece of viscose and nylon, so: lounging! That’s the only suitable activity! I lounged the heck out of this morning, drank tea, read the paper, then finally emerged from my bed around 1:30. Rise n’ grind, baby.



Life lessons, important messages contained:

Your body won't move if you can't feel the groove.
The god Leon Huff adds a Truth About Life to my bag.

Additionally, please keep in mind that If it don’t make dollars, it don’t make sense, and If you shoot my dog, I'ma kill your cat. I would also argue that If that ain't good enough, you just ain't hood enough as well as If you ban us from your clubs, it's the right time, with the right mind. I think it would've been cute if they had tilted the heart in the logo, like a nod to Love Park. Aw.

Best YouTube comment:

There are lots of “Dilla dawwwwg”s and “Turn it up”s but I prefer the succinct, lovely, smile-inducing comment posted by TheJavierm7: “bellisima.”



Other notable things about today:



- OFWGKTA all over the place. It's a wonderful time to be alive and have ears, even though the ground is thick with perplexed and annoyed Pitchfork readers. OH SHIT, black kids and giggly rape fantasies! So of course this means people must make a commentary on what this says about ourselves and our taste for lyrics about rape fantasies. Listen, we all have our rape fantasies. WHO DOESN’T HAVE A RAPE FANTASY. But I’m not sure why we are analyzing our taste for Earl & crew’s emo rape fantasies said into microphones when John Boehner has actual power now and Sharron Angle almost got elected. I mean, why talk about Cholera outbreaks when there are depressed city kids talking about their emo rape fantasies, correct? Also, rap pundits are taking the crew more seriously than they take themselves and why is that. Everybody's acting like Kool Keith never said anything into a microphone before, or that there was never a combination of charm and comical exaggerated menace before, and why is that. We are acting like evil raps are outrageous and why is that. Tyler is laughing at all of you dummies, his post-postpost-rap raps circling around themselves and eating their own tails (“Odd Future is a very very very big…thing of animals. We have unicorns, and these unicorns are very talented, and they don’t give a fuck.”)

Murder rates go up in the summer, it ain't trickin if you got it, girls love taking Lil' B in their mouths because he looks like ____, and people love cuss words and evil in their music. This is news? NO, it's not news. And yet super annoying Zach at the Voice (sorry, Zach) and his
industry brethren feel the need to discuss their twinges of weird disgusted guilty feelings while listening to Odd Future's raps about fucking and evil and then opening it up to message board commenters, a critical mistake, to duke it out and deconstruct it. The visceral pleasure outweighs the intellectual outrage, which is true, except for the intellectual outrage part. I am supposed to be outraged at fuck raps, I guess. But the most outrageous (in a good way) and impressive things about these ruffians are that they are good at language, they have a female engineer (!) who produces sometimes too (!)*, and they are trying to orchestrate the fall of mustachioed horseman of the apocalypse Steve Harvey. I enthusiastically support their entire platform.

Men online talking about the reasons why we like what we like as it relates to the cultural zeitgeist at large. They are like my very unhip uncle who teaches Sociology classes at the community college part time. Armchair rap psychologists trying to explain my own tastes to me! How annoying! I'm in that “Fuck you, I love it” blissful haze, these boys on Fairfax have temporarily distracted from my commitment to Jet Life, and the cultural critics on message boards are no fun, and Tyler and crew just want you to have FUN. Time passes quickly. Fuck roots, state life, rape, write, repeat twice! (sigh; it just sounds silly when I say it)



*

My underage girlfriend Syd, above. There is a tragic dearth of female engineers/producers, obviously, but why? Our bodies are shaped like guitars; we should be owning studios and coaxing out great performances from our artists and letting beats ride.

- Gotta have a fantasy to go along with each song that speaks to me on LA radio. Today it was “Go Girl,” featuring me as a stripper with a heart of gold, costarring E-40 as my favorite patron, putting bills in my g string. The song's produced by C. Ballin but you'd swear it's Nitti.


- Kanye is still tryin to hit me with that ol’ wopty on the radio, rapping about his sexual exploits with wild bitches on “Hell of a Life,” as if I am going to believe him. Unless the whole song's a metaphor for the music industry or something, which is, just, ugh. Cliche city. I tell you, it's a good thing he's not an 18-year-old from LA, because then we would, of course, have to deconstruct his every verse and decide what our listening to it says about ourselves.




- Pacquiao! Maliit na tao na may malakas na kamao at isang malaking puso, sa tingin ko ikaw ay kahanga.


- “Pleasurable activities reduce stress” - Science, recently. Lounge around in my comfy bed on Sunday, listen to Messy Marv in the car, spread Nutella on toast; feels good. No stress, darling. Like how when I read MediaTakeout, I just feel so good knowing that Weezy punched Drake in his big stupid face, maybe?









.

Welcome 2 Zombieland, kids.

In 2005, the Six Flags theme park in New Orleans' Ninth Ward was closed for the approaching hurricane. It never reopened. The city of New Orleans allowed photographer Teddy Smith to shoot video footage of the abandoned park before its demolition in January 2011.







Johnny Jenkins, “I Walk on Gilded Splinters.” Because I needed a New Orleans song that was kind of weird and spooky to go along with the video, and even though I really wanted to post “Nolia Clap” and then maybe “New Orleans Based,” it wouldn't have been thematically appropriate. This song was written and originally done by weird jovial New Orleans spookmaster Dr. John, but this version is better--and this version's drums were used by Blackalicious in “A to G.”


mp3.





.

5 great things about today, besides the fact that “Soldier” will be in my head all day in honor of our nation's veterans.

“Bandana tied, so mami join my troop/ Now every time she hear my name, she salute.” SIGH. Understated, '05-'06 Wayne was the greatest of all the Waynes.

Better be street if he lookin at me. Yep. Every good girl wants this. And somehow the fact that the line is sung over a Rich Harrison beat makes it 100 times more true. Unfortunately, if he is street he's probably not looking at me (I think it's my librarian/schoolteacher aura). It's more like “If he’s married he’s looking at me” and “If he wants to see me without my top off but doesn’t want to talk about the production finery on Two Sevens Clash, he's definitely looking at me.” On the other hand, I sometimes like it when boys disregard my brain and talk to me all bossy (“Roll somethin/you ain’t here just to be a bad bitch”*) so I am totally asking for this frustration and trouble. Can't have it both ways, Logan.






1. Lagerfeld’s living room, as shot by Todd Selby. Kanye's got his own Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, and I've got mine, and here it is. Porn for an English major.

Karl's a hideous bitch of a man and doesn't like to touch or make out with girls, but oh goddd. The books. The couch, 5 miles long. I would offer increasingly degrading sexual favors to be able to lounge there.

2. Cee-Lo on Colbert, “Fox News.”


(“Didn’t see one politician that wasn’t corrupt
On the Fox News
And I got the blues
The poor get poorer, the rich get richer
Ain’t that some shit
I’m having pains in my chest because I’m so stressed
From the Fox News”)






3. Touchy-feely NBA teams are more likely to win. Touchy-feely NBA teams who are currently 8-0 and who show up in Curren$y verses are guaranteed to win.

Goose died tryin to fly a jet, word to Maverick/Doobie passes like Magic, lit the Forum up/'80s status*. LAKER RAPS.



* Wiz & Curren$y (but you can skip Wiz's verse, and ignore the fact that the beat is that stupid Toto song), “Huey Newton.” Everybody in the room know/Rabies flow, dog, trill, Cujo.

mp3.





4. Racial comedy! Harmless, and always hilarious.

“African-American Community Calls For New Black Nerd Archetype”

Hollywood Blasted For Failure To Portray Modern Dorks Of Color.

5. Afro Soul Descarga mix, via Sofrito UK.

Polyrhythmic percussion, Beatles covers, and ass shaking (TRACK #2--Sir Victor Uwaifo).

mp3.







.

White girl side hustle opportunity I missed, #2

If my agent were doing his job I would've gotten the role of Girl #3 (the one who purloins some powder on the side) in Sheek's "Cocaine Traffic King" video, which

features an exceedingly clean kitchen,
and Styles P as a cartoony, completely non-threatening version of Nino Brown.

Basically the gig would consist of me wearing my hair down, wearing panties, trying not to cringe at lines like "(her) face in my crotch/eyes on my watch," and getting excited and yelling D-BLOCKKKK when the urge strikes. I already do all that, so I might as well get filmed and paid for it.

I'd ask P where he got that sweatshirt and brag about how the Raiders are going to be atop the AFC when this damn season is over. I'd stifle the question, "You're from Yonkers; how come you aren't wearing Jets gear?" And in my head, I'd play a spirited round of Dumbest Rap Names to pass the time on set (Sheek Louch, Red Cafe, Waka, CyHi da Prynce; Best Rap Name, though? Earl Sweatshirt).

OJ - "Washing Powder Money."

mp3.

.

Nilsson.

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” - Errol Flynn

Harry n' me, each starting our respective days with one leg in front of the other.

Harry, straddling.
(I will not be posting a picture of me straddling.)

Name: Harry Nilsson, Nilsson Schmilsson (RCA Victor, 1971).


Is this title acceptable? No. It is dumb. But that was done on purpose, because Harry was just like, fuck it, I got Klaus Voorman coming into the studio in a minute, I don't have time for this.


Produced by: Richard Perry, master of ass-shaking '80s R&B (De Barge, “Rhythm of the Night”) and ass-shaking '80s mellow disco with wonderful chord progression and sisterly harmonies (Pointer Sisters, “Automatic”) plus some Captain Beefheart and Joni along the way.


Entered my life: When I entered life. It’s my dad’s record and therefore my record. The benefit of living with a bearded white man who hoards music is that he'll share it with you and talk incessantly about it. Since dad's the model for manliness according to child development theories, I grew up thinking that all men enjoy talking incessantly about music with me (alas, they don't).


Global events at the time of its release: It was November ’71; “Inner City Blues” was number one, and was the third and final single from What's Going On (only 3 singles from that whole album? WTF, Berry Gordy). This was also the beginning of Marvin's red-beanie-and-denim-shirt era, his uniform for talking less about bedroom arts and more about kids in coffins with American flags draped on them.


Difficulty of finding, vinyl-wise (1-10 scale): There was no difficulty in my home, since I just had to walk into the living room to get it, so it was a big fat 0. In the store it's a 1 or 2, I think. Nilsson’s not obscure.


Breaks contained: None! See, sometimes I surprise you. There are some beauties on other albums, though--“Me and My Arrow” was used by Blackalicious and the drums from “Rainmaker” are on the Beatnuts' “Straight Jacket,” a song that kills it based on its gibberish-y chorus (rappening is what's happening, keep your pockets flappening, hands clappening) and because it has Juju bragging that he pulls honeys with the hips. I haven't met him, but as someone with hips I can tell you that yeah, that's true.


Best YouTube comment:

whugivsafuk wins, for this:

“This is the classic FATTEST ever bass line, Herbie Flowers going nuts...
Sample this shit.”

(I will soon be having whugivsafuk's baby, as I cannot let a man with such appreciation for fat bass get away)



Facts of nerdy interest that excite me and might show up on Jeopardy! someday:

- Nilsson was from Bushwick. Just like Evil Dee and OC.

- “Jump Into the Fire”* plays during Henry Hill’s coke-y tailspin (the helicopter, the marinara sauce) at the end of Goodfellas.

- Nilsson did the score for Otto Preminger's Skidoo, a movie that everyone says is awful, and then at the end of their diatribe, everyone adds, “but the score is really good.” The end credits are funny because Nilsson sings them. Oh Harry.

- There's hardly any percussion on the album, but Harry makes it count on the few tracks that have some drums by allowing Jim Gordon to get loose and take it to the swamp and then bring it back home (not sure if I've mentioned it yet: “Jump Into the Fire”*). He was a session drummer who worked with Spector and was on Pet Sounds and a bunch of Zappa albums. He also killed his mom, but he was one of the DRUMMERS ON “APACHE” so all is forgiven.

*

mp3.






Sartorial accompaniment: sweatshirt because it’s cold today, cutoff shorts because it’s not that cold, and affordable version of the stripper-librarian penny loafers I saw a while back, for getting coffee and going to the bookstore and being lazy. My aesthetic is “stripper librarian goes out for coffee and the new Granta,” because that is, in fact, exactly what happened today. I'm also hoping to get a hug at some point today, as I am feeling vulnerable and in need of support as a result of my inbox being flooded with messages from cranky young men--I often get accused of something called “flaunting it” (?), which I guess is just the pejorative version of “wearing clothes that fit my body properly,” ‘cause that’s really all I’m doing. Be nice, emailers.


Suitable activities while listening:

- Watch football, even though all the talk of running routes and pass protection and the Wildcat all starts to blend together. The Raiders are unstoppable and it's hard to remain calm about that.

- Read up on Weezers, who apparently was in jail recently (?). He's out now, though. Time for a Hornets game with dad!

Sports competitions. Stunting. Gucci scarves. Freedom. America.

- Suddenly remember El-P. Where is he. I miss him and I need him, desperately*. Everybody's talking at him, he don't hear a word they're saying/Only the echoes of his mind. Yet he manages to keep his acerbic sense of humor. And his avatar is a kitten!


*found him!

Go set the moral compass to something a little sacrilege
I’ll pirate jenny this whole town, black freighter your maggotness
Nobody sleeps tonight, 50 car alarm evening
Perpetual garbage truck annoying ice cream truck jingling
Hey young world, your clock just got donkey punched by aristocrats
maniac brainiac fist fucked in a dunce cap
Looking at it from space you can see the race is just one lap
Your tranquility now is just future anarchy unhatched
I want a new drug plus alternate reality
Some dimensional shiftiness hidden from all the cowardly

(“Sit Down, Man”)



Other notable things about today:

- Still listening to the Hit it and Quit It Halloween mix, stillllllll—“Rigor Mortis” into “Evil” into “Instant Death,” with some Blacula snippets stuffed in there too!! Release the beast, people. The only thing missing is something by the Gravediggaz.





.

Ronnie Laws, “Pressure Sensitive.”

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.”
- Errol Flynn

Ronnie (L) and me, with the things that bring us joy, respectively.

Name: Ronnie Laws, Pressure Sensitive (Blue Note, 1975).


Is this title acceptable? Yes, because it can be construed in sort of a sexy way. We’re all animals, really, guided by our emotional tides, sensitive to pressure. My absolute favorite is the physical kind of pressure, though.


Produced by: Wayne Henderson, who also produced a little Roy Ayers (!) and a little Willie Bobo (!!).


Global events at the time of its release: THIS HAPPENED and nothing's more important. It turns out that NYC, as Horace Swaby discovered in 1975, is way wayyy east of the river Nile.

Gingham lapels!

Entered my life: Don’t know exactly; can’t remember. Recently enough for me to buy it specifically because it has the Black Moon break on it, so…it had to have been in the last few years. I am a poor historian. Luckily, my enthusiasm for breaks and overall sunny demeanor make up for that. Amoeba; $5.99 (!).


Difficulty of finding, vinyl-wise (1-10 scale): 7.2. DUDE IT’S GOT THE BLACK MOON BREAK ON IT. AND I FOUND IT. Amoeba tried to throw me off by selling it for less than 10 bucks, but it is quite a treasure.


Breaks contained:




Lots, but “Tidal Wave" with its excellent '90s rap credentials*, is the biggie.

*Black Moon, “Who Got Da Props.”
Organized Konfusion, “Stress.”
Quasimoto, “Return of the Loop Digga.”

“Tell Me Something Good” was used in “Shake Your Rump,” though.



Reason for this post on today of all days: I miss Black Moon in general, and Evil Dee in particular-?
(there’s no reason, I suppose)



Facts of nerdy interest that excite me and might show up on Jeopardy! someday:

- Mr. Laws was once a member of Earth Wind & Fire and handled woodwind duties on the most bangingest track on Last Days and Times, “Power.” I'm always saying this about every song, but this thing is a timeless walking-down-the-street-in-a-sundress fucking jam. I wish other people’s brains were flooded with this music like mine is; then maybe people would understand when I open my mouth.




- He wrote and co-produced “Very Special” by his sister Debra Laws, which is always on Art LaBoe. It's been used by Big Daddy Kane and some others--including Master P & Nas, together, on the same song, in “Where Do We Go from Here,” an awful thing from '99 that I could not believe actually happened when I heard about it. Anybody’ll do a song with anybody, whody.

Fully clothed. This one goes out to my mom, who likes me in this kind of attire and warns me I'm “attracting them for the wrong reasons” in my usual little pieces of swimming attire. BUT MOM, I say. Ain't no right or wrong, 'long as they're attracted.

Sartorial accompaniment: Inappropriately short shorts, fancy-lady white oxford shirt, and lace-up boots that were an unholy amount of money but they’ll last for years and years. My aesthetic is “Stripper librarian goes horseback riding.” My aesthetic is also Whatever Kool Keith Wants Me to Wear, I Wear (“Open your eyes, now you realize/Now put on thigh highs/
Tie your boots up tight/Very tight with all your might”).



Suitable activities while listening:

- visit Massan’s place.

If these 3 lived on my block I’d go over with a fake-impossible-to-open jar of spaghetti sauce 3-4 nights a week and ask for help.

- Familiarize yourself with Scott Fujita: Saint, gentleman, linebacker, incredible human.


- Drink in (heh) the visual beauty of this, which somehow perfectly describes the appeal of water during hot discomfort. (The Big Picture)




Best YouTube comment:

I’m including a trio today, because all together they constitute an adorable conversation between 2 nerds with whom I should be hanging out.

BrokenExitProduct: “(‘Tidal Wave’) was sampled In ‘Crooklyn Dodgers’.”

dubbsway4life counters (correctly) with, “Actually, ‘Crooklyn Dodgers’ sampled Black Moon's ‘Who Got The Props.’ Black Moon sampled ‘Tidal Wave.’ I think they were the first to sample it.”

Bluefoxking @dubbsway4life: “LOL, Sample chain.” Aww. Call me, gentlemen!



Other notable things about today:

- That “Tangerine” remix, YES (other than Rawss' part, of course). Big Boi loves his stripper army and his friends do too. She don’t even walk; she wobble past, Fabolous says. Yes, darling. YES. When I was 19, rap songs had to be about Steve Biko or the socioeconomic factors at play regarding the sales of illegal narcotics by young men in big cities in order to convince me to buy the album. Now all I like are Nitti beats and Toomp beats and lyrics about licking and grabbing ass. I’m devolving, making sure only my most base and primal needs are met. I’d say “I hope it’s a phase,” except I’m a lot more fun to be around now than when I was 19. I hope it’s not a phase.

- “My wife with the hair of a wood fire/With the thoughts of heat lightning/With the waist of an hourglass/With the waist of an otter in the teeth of a tiger.” This could be a terrific Big Boi lyric, but it's Andre Breton. You're mixing up your female-body-loving wordsmiths. Big Boi is the one who said “You killing them of course/With the features of an angel and the bottom of a horse.”

-Today in LA driving/radio-listening adventures: Wiz isn't allowed to say “lesbian.” It's given that weird radio-friendly slurred (played backwards) effect, just like the word “fuck” or “gun” would be. Lesbianism is bad, per Clear Channel, but Kings of Leon can say “head while I’m driving,” and Lloyd can discuss his future rough takeover of that girl’s special place (“beat it I bet she’d let me”). That's some stupid arbitrariness, whody.

- Joell and his annoying nasally voice. Hmm. I usually like him, but in this new “Oh” song he says “I get at Twitter; I’m street to the 9th power.” Nope. No. I challenge that statement. The simple goodness of “I’ma come see you, and punch you in your face,” though: oh! Oh yes, that's what I need. More scrap raps & fewer computer raps, please. (And regarding life in general: more good posse cuts and pillow fights, please.)

- When is Yelawolf going to take a shower and wear a shirt that has sleeves. Thank you.

- Breton also said, “Words make love with one another,” and I can't think of a better way to end this post.





.

The Main Ingredient, “Euphrates River.”

“My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.” - Errol Flynn





Name: The Main Ingredient, Euphrates River (RCA Victor, 1974).


Is this title acceptable? Yes, because of that Pixies song and because euphrates is fun to say. Etymologically speaking, Euphrates probably means “good to cross over,” stemming from Greek or Persian roots. But then, it might not mean anything at all, yet I’m not upset about that. You know what I'm upset about? That they use “Smokestack Lightning” to sell Viagra. I look fine on the outside but inside I'm screaming.


Produced by: The Main Ingredient.


Global events at the time of its release: I covered this material already during my last post about a '74 record (Cobham). But I would like to mention that, this week in 1974 on the R&B chart, Kool & the Gang's “Higher Plane” was #1. It will depress you if I tell you that “Deuces” is #1 this week on the 2010 R&B chart, so I'll shut my mouth. Let's keep it moving.


Entered my life: October 1, 2010. Amoeba. $14.99; a steal. Almost daily on Los Angeles radio, I have to listen to Dorrough berate me by saying You ain't got enough money. That's true, but small victories like finding breaks-laden records for less than $20 make it easier to cope.

At the store, Andrew rang me up. He seemed excited and he chatted with me the whole time, commenting on my purchases (“OOOH, The Hangman's Beautiful Daughter”). I can't criticize this because if I worked there I'd do the same thing while ringing people up.


Difficulty of finding, vinyl-wise (1-10 scale):Oh I don’t know--5.8? 6? It was never issued domestically and I’ve never seen it during my record store adventures so, honestly, I’m surprised it was so easy to find. I am truly blessed, and as usual, I must acknowledge the deity responsible for my good fortune.




Breaks contained:

- “Looks like Rain” was used in Tragedy's “True Confessions,” a song notable for its awful singing chorus with a stupid reworking of that Luther Vandross song, all the boys I know freaking out over Imam's verse, and for its adeptness in painting the simple and accurate picture of someone “shaking like a pregnant cokehead” in verse.

- “California My Way,” my future hit-the-dance-floor-at-my-wedding-reception-and-cut-a-fucking-rug jam, was used in Da Lench Mob’s “Guerillas in the Mist.” Despite attempts to be all cute and subversive by flipping and bouncing the LAPD's racist words and using them in the chorus, the lyrics of the song lack the astute political and social criticism you'd think it would. Thus, I've deemed that the best part is I'm laying in a cut, I'm laying in a cut/I'm laying in a cut, bout to shoot me a mutt/With the boooooom, ping-ping/Listen to the ill shit that I bring-bring. I mean, come on, that's just fun wordplay.





[1:02 until just past the 2-minute mark is the alpha and omega, the thing that gets me through the dreary workday. The drums at 1:39, and the part where all the cities on the itinerary are named--Here I come, Los Angeles! San Diego, San Francisco, here I come! A-Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywoooooood, yeah. All I can muster is an UUNNLLLLHHHH (pleasurable gibberish, almost like a moan) when asked to describe those 58 seconds.]

“California My Way” and the not-as-great “Summer Breeze” were both used in Biggie's “Things Done Changed.” (By the way: no fucking kidding, Chris. They done, in fact, changed. If you were here we'd have a bitch session about the fact that a Chris Brown song is #1 on the charts.) When I first heard Biggie's song I did not know what this thing called “skelly” was. I looked it up; it’s a New York activity. No wonder. Out here, we don’t play skelly. We also don’t say “jerkoff” and we don’t wait “on line.” It’s in line, dummies. (Jerkoffs.) Oh New York, your rappers are way better than ours but your colloquialisms are usually dumber. Plus I am almost positive The Main Ingredient never wrote a song called “New York My Way.”


Reason for this post on today of all days: It's probably just because I found the record earlier this month at the store, and I liked how the colorful cover contrasted with my cream/white ensemble* when I brought it home and was thumbing through my collection. It's that simple. I bet you it also has something to do with the fact that American Gangster was on basic cable again yesterday, which means I of course got upset all over again about the horrendous idea to cast Cuba as Nicky Barnes. Cuba's dad was in The Main Ingredient, and there you have it.


Facts of nerdy interest that excite me and might show up on Jeopardy! someday:

- Willie Hutch wrote “California My Way.” He was born in LA but raised in Texas. The song was therefore inevitable, because he missed the weather, women, and greenery.

- If you type “main ingredient” into the search box on Amazon, the “customers who bought ____ also bought _____” box comes up and says that people who buy albums by The Main Ingredient also buy albums called The Main Ingredient by a duo called Pete Rock & CL Smooth. Um, yes, Amazon. Thanks. And I'm almost positive that 1 of those customers is named Logan. (but not “customer” in a bad way, like in a Jay-Z way or EPMD way).

- Cuba Gooding's family history is one of sexy Caribbean adventures, murder, and Pan-Africanism. 2 generations later, Snow Dogs happened and Marcus Garvey wept. “DAMN. Shit done changed” - Chris Wallace.


Life lessons, important messages contained:

- The album is strictly cover songs and the very very good title track was originally by Seals & Crofts, with a “Many Rivers to Cross” kind of feel. Every day brings us closer/Every night, my soul sees/A worried mankind suffering blindly/Guess I'll walk the Euphrates River. Rivers make a man think about life and his place in it, I guess.



*

Sartorial accompaniment: bathing suit and sweater, because what if I go for a swim and then the clouds roll in? Out in Cali we refer to this as “preparedness,” jerkoff.


Suitable activities while listening:

- Read about genius leftist attempted-poverty-ender Upton Sinclair and think about how amusing it would be for some rapper from Harlem to call himself Uptown Sinclair. (Did Jim Jones already do this? I don't listen to the music of him or his crew so it's unfair to expect me to know. If he did do it in song, I'm retracting the part where I said it would be amusing.)

- Watch the mighty Oakland Raiders actually get to .500! Bishop and me are both like Fuck yes.
(sorry, Mom)



- Fashion editorials for inspiration, always. Today's collection of fantasy lighting/outfits/photos that I wish to someday emulate is that of Caroline Winberg in tiny underthings but also in cozy things like gloves and socks and sweaters...you know, in case the clouds roll in. Hmm. I should try that sometime. It would look far less classy and much more stripper if I did it, though, since the vulgarity of my hips makes me look like a stripper no matter what I wear. Magic City, stage #2, 11:40.




Best YouTube comment: “lool sa me fait penser a des scenes d'avant the soul funky train lool...sa ferait plaisir a des gens que je connait ce son bien joué!”

Ah! Oui, Firdaws1977! You have perfectly summed up my feelings.



Other notable things about today:

- Falling in love is coke-y feeling and only takes a fifth of a second to happen. I already knew this, because that's just how it went the first time I heard Del's voice.


- I just discovered Green Eggs and Ham read in patois, and, on a related note, the Baddis riddim mix some kind soul put on YouTube that goes nicely with my hips (even though it's actually called the Retro Baddis riddim). These things are fun--just harmless, delicious fun, like being witness to the glorious 2010 implosion of the Dallas Cowboys, or hearing the greatest Morrissey song Morrissey never did during your drive on the crowded 101 last Sunday. FUN!


- Jakey n’ Freeway’s “Beautiful Music.” Still listening to it; still in love. This is also true of that “Up & Down” song, my new fave, which has a video filled with jiggling, well-placed female body fat and ShakeWeights and makes me wanna take the #2 stage at Magic City. Sorry, Gloria Steinem, Mom, Angela Davis, and all those ladies before me who worked tirelessly to get me the right to vote. Your influence on me is simply not as powerful as that of a terrible Chicago MC who warms up for his verse by actually using the phrase “more cockier.”


- The 12-year-old tomboy in me loves Epicly Later'd, but the grown woman in me recognizes the signs of a chemically-based life about to be wrecked and has concerns. “Henny and Heelflips: the Ballad of Antwuan Dixon” is the thing that we will all look back on and shake our sad heads at when Antwuan inevitably goes into alcohol-induced respiratory failure or gets 48 months at Corcoran. He's a sad clown so of course I kinda feel like I could save him. It's that soft spot of mine that always throbs for the self-destructive. But our story would end in heartache after I spend too many nights sick with worry, and I would once again bemoan my bad choices and then walk away from the whole affair.


- I hate sulk-rap so I've never been a Rhymesayers kind of lady. But the Eyedea tributes on the RS site, oh. They are touching. The one that really gets me is P.O.S's--the heart-wringer “I will read every book you told me to.”


- Deerhoof's “The Merry Barracks” is my new walking-down-the-street-in-a-sundress song. Hurry hurry, listen to it and like it before Lupe or Cudi raps over it and ruins it.


mp3.


- Art-school clove-smoking Kanye bores me, but I must acknowledge the part of his latest thingie that speaks to me--the scene in which the scantily-clad chaise-lounging angelically-winged birdlike girl creature is enthralled and physically excited by a beatmaking male human. Let's just say I can relate.





- CyHi da Prynce is from Decatur, murders my Spellcheck, and is intensely annoying but makes up for it with talent. It's OK, Cy; people only like me 'cause of my sick flow too. The best parts in that "Sideways" video are his collection of various ice grills (from the left, from the right, looking down, then up, and, um, sideways, of course), and his collection of fitteds--the Reds, the Pirates, the Braves. Obviously there was a sale on National League hats at Champs. He makes a Stevie Williams reference in a verse (I just told you I have a 12-year-old tomboy lurking inside of me) but that cannot make me forgive his overly manicured facial hair. And since every day there's a new reason to prove to me I'm outgrowing post-2007 rap and its industry that condones stupid behavior, of course he has a Twitter and makes all kinds of Twitter goofball moves replete with inappropriate use of exclamation points--"When I was in hawaii with @kanyewest I stayed at the kahala!!!" He enjoys laughing out loud frequently and gives himself heaps of shine ("A painting of me!!!" "I love Louie bags!!!", !!!!!, LOL, etc). This young man is clearly pleased with leading a newly luxurious lifestyle courtesy of rap, inc. and that's sort of cute. I can appreciate someone appreciating. But like the great Vincent T. Lombardi said, Act like you've been there before. He gets points for his historically accurate name-drops of Ralph Abernathy and Rosa Parks, and then promptly loses those points by using a distasteful word that starts with N in the very next line. Ugh. Show some respect, Decatur.


- Heard “You Gots to Chill” on the car radio the other day, it was rainy all afternoon and I like that, and when I got home, fucking Goonies was on TV. Perfection. Thank you, LA radio and Time Warner Cable, Inc., for your combined efforts to make me happy.


- Is it just me or is Intelligent Hoodlum a way better name than Tragedy Khadafi.


- How perfect of a couplet is In the beginnin' I like to let my rhymes flow/And at twelve I press cruise control. I'm serious about this. Let's discuss.


- Giving up on completing a phrase halfway through it is a nice thing to add to your lyrical repertoire. “Your arms too short to box,” Curren$y says during yet another musical meetup between a microphone and his brain's hundred thousand cannibanoid receptors, the most consistently beautiful working relationship in rap music right now. Hey, remember GZA's “Rhymes too short to box with God” remark? I enjoyed that. Anway, there are 8 measly comments about this lovely song on RapRadar, which is just additional fuel for my adorable bitterness regarding the current state of rap affairs.



- “France on strike” as told by The Big Picture. There aren't any good French rappers but I'd still like to live in a country that produces such stylish and politically active teenagers. That girl atop shoulders (which might be those of Phil Lynott's?), especially--the hair, the scarf, the fist. It's like they always say when you're protesting new retirement laws and a president who's let you down--cherchez la femme.










.

White girl side hustle opportunity I missed: N.E.R.D. on Letterman

N.E.R.D., “Hypnotize You.” Letterman, 09/28/10. Can you spot me?

(This is what it would have looked like had I been informed of this casting opportunity.)

Pharrell hired a bunch of underweight girls with that good hair to wear white tanks and sit and just keep on sitting for the duration of his terrible song. This is a performance for which I'm sure he paid them handsomely. Accordingly, I need a better agent.

I often acknowledge that my ethnic identity group is full of corny types. We're super annoying at the club 'cause we can't shake it*and our latest favorite song to get slutty to on the dancefloor is Wiz's “Black and Yellow,” a song all over LA radio that's produced by 2 Norwegians who are experts in making catchy R&B so of course white girls love it. So the Letterman gig above is something I may not have taken right away, because it's corny. Pharrell in '10 is nothing like Pharrell in '02 when he was amazing and Nore-affiliated--I mean everything in my Honda's CD player during those days had some kind of spy chord. But, but, I still would've done taken the white tank top job eventually, because Pharrell is really cute and probably always will be, and because during rehearsals he and I could've debated whether Talking Book is superior to Innvervisions or is that just something people like to throw around, and because hey, white ladies like to get paid just like everyone else. We are coming up in the world as rapper accessories, which makes us like the new...Skypagers? Anyway, I haven’t been this proud of us since we were Bishop Don's lap ornament at Andre 3000’s wedding, and then there was my cousin who made an appearance as Juelz’s pale-skinned jumpoff in “Beamer Benz,” providing something called becky. You remember. She made him almost crash his Bentley. : (





* unless you're talking about me. I can shake it.

Major Mackerel - “Pretty Looks Done.” Just saying, ladies. Cash in while you can.

mp3.




.