Saturday, February 26, 2011

And my jewels blue and yellow/The type of shit that make 'em call you Carmelo*. (*2003-2011; “blue and orange” hasn't been rhymed with anything yet)

1. Long hair she don’t care, when she walk she get stares. All Waka songs are about pretty white girls, I just realized. This is one of the Top 10 things about being a white girl this week. And I know for certain that “6'7” is, in turn, about gigantic, beautifully-cheekboned Waka who happens to be just that many feet and inches tall. (Wayne's got a crush on him, along with almost all white girls in my neighborhood).

That's how you do the blonde-lady lounge: in black and white or muted tones, and thigh-highs holding tight to your milky skin of course.
Amanda in Interview.

YES. Yes. Yep. Oh god. Blonde lady with skinny legs, gazing toward the future. You can't deny it.
Lily in London.

Jeisa in Marie Claire. She is, sadly, not blonde, though we must still accept her as one of our own. The brown-haired are welcome at our board meetings and conventions but their powers will always be limited.
(even if they have beautiful curvy shapes on their bodies; please refer to photo immediately above)

Looking pretty and thoughtful at the same time is my overall goal in life (now that I have my master's degree).

2. Today we are pouty that we didn't get cast in that Gucci/Soulja/Gotti video and I will have to report this matter to the union, but white girls? We're still doing all right for ourselves this week, looking fine and doing important stuff. We're waiting for that Curren$y mixtape, posing in front of mirrors, wearing our red trenches on dreary days, lounging hard, wondering why a perfectly lovely Dilla beat was wasted by some jackass on a song called “Man Purses.” And we're doing laundry and grocery shopping, of course, because we're kind of boring during the week.

3. The tomboyish among us are discussing the 'Melo trade at work and with our brother because we want to keep up with the world, but we're really not that interested. Snoozeville. Besides, our favorite headband-wearer is Baron Davis, and we are sad he got shipped away so it's hard to get excited about the stupid NBA right now. Plus we only care about the Knicks when they turn up in lyrics by the residents of various NYC boroughs. We can endlessly talk about that condition Blake Griffin has that makes his eyes so close together, though. An unfortunate face, that one's got. And we love Charles Woodson and his solidarity with the nonwealthy working class (which, despite our Alexander Wang bag, we are still a proud part of).

4. We like that new PJ Harvey but not as much as the old, and we were reminded by witchy godmother Stevie Nicks on the radio today that Players only love you when they're play-innnnnn. That's some wisdom, mama - right up there with It's OK to eat fish cuz they don't have any feelings and Write down blog ideas during boring meetings at work (sit in the back and lay low, dummy).

5. We love that “The Pot” came on LA radio today when we were driving!; oh god, it turned the inside of the Civic into something cinematic and cool, thanks Justin Chancellor's swampy bass--“the midrange cut and punch for which he is known,” a quote boosted from Wikipedia but only because it's so dope. Midrange cut and punch, like a fighter. And we're still high from the four-plus minutes of Metallica we heard the other day, which was rivaled by Today's Other Best Song Heard While Out and About, “A Pair of Brown Eyes,” at the gas station (????!!?). The tune just hangs out in a girl's head hours after she hears it, and we were curious about the lyrics so we looked up both “Where the Water-Lilies Grow” and Ray and Philomena when we got home. We want to do well in music nerdery when we finally make it to Jeopardy! It's not about impressing Ken Jennings, though--he's not our type; we're more into the computer.

(We loved the Pogues when we were 16, having successfully completed our Beatles phase at 15. It was a perfect fit because we liked feeling that life was tragic but we still loved melody and Elvis Costello. We also believed that if it were 1983-88 and we were of age, we could've gotten into their shows for free based simply on the fact of being named Logan--the Gaelic discount).

6. Back at HQ, we liked that Kurupt kameo in that Snoop video. WE LOVE KURUPT. We also liked that a song called Gangbang Rookie” turned out to not be about what we first thought it was going to be about based on its title. That was a close one.

7. Then, taking it to the eastern seaboard, we liked two-thirds of that Rae/Ghosty/Rawss song; one-third of it we hated. (We don't like the fattest one's verse, or his voice.)

What we really liked, specifically: a) Rae bragging about “swimmin through life,” because that's what we're doing too only we never thought to put it that way; b) Ghosty saying “We in the back roastin marshmallows, bottles of Cru” (not the kind of roasting a marshmallow on Urban Dictionary, perv; is that even a real thing?); and c) this, from Rae:

Holdin my girl wedding ring,
She Medellín, name is Beretta King
Live in Alpharetta, and she never leave me”

We know from a thousand songs by males that the perfect woman is, alas, not a white girl. We hate that. How disappointing. The perfect woman is either an American- or Italian-made car, or a firearm (a loyal firearm, in Rae's case). She's also Colombian and lives in Georgia. Sigh. We've always been pretty fucking down when it comes to supporting our dude, we're willing to hold weight, but we have been humbled here. We simply cannot compete with this girl. We are too hard on ourselves sometimes, trying to be all things to all people. We should remember we have our own gifts, our strong suits--Kanye will always love us, we can always get knocked up in someone's suite after the All-Star Game and get fucking PAID dog, and we have the power and smarts to make invisibility cloaks happen! We're also thinking of becoming architects, while still doing our makeup in glittery pinks and purples like we're about to go to our night job at Magic City.

8. Abbey Clancey. We like this look and we're confident we can replicate it since we are also a skinny-legged glasses-wearing blonde with too much eyeliner. We'll never be mistaken for a member of Warpaint but that's OK.

Abbey's famous for being hot (British standards, though--not American hot) and for entrapping an athlete with her vagina. We respect this. Ha ha, gentlemen; you're just mad because you fear female sexuality and your physical limitations prevent you from taking part in this particular hustle.

9. Even our mailman and the OG white lady fox (Mom) are geeked about Odd Future at this point. This is annoying but not at all surprising. You can try to stop a freight truck but then you just give up 'cause you have weak Mr. Burns arms and it goes whooshing by, delivering LA rap to the midwest and the east. We hate that the fucking Spin article about them ended with “the future is going to be very Odd”; it literally made us go UGGHHH. OH GODDDD at the bookstore and we tossed the magazine aside in a mini-tantrum. Oh but the newest and best thing about the Fairfax boys is their affiliate Frank. We love Frank and we'd never play Drake* if Frank were in the Civic with us (since we HATE DRAKE).

* verse 2, “Songs for Women.”


The Pogues - “Maidrín Rua” (Little Fox)


10. Annnnnd we liked this.

We really liked this a lot! Thanks, Tumblr.


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