Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Why be positive when you make fun of things: “This pic of Kanye and his smirk mob” edition.

(in order of ridiculousness)


I want everyone to get paid, and I want the music to be good. Otherwise, stop bothering me with PR monkey business. And um actually I do NOT HAVE TO respect your conglomerate, so stop trying to get me to do so.

G.O.O.D. is now part of Def Jam; without the foolish clothing choices above documented on film, this news would have no impact on my life. What exactly is the point of this venture, please? It appears to be a completely unnecessary partnership, since labels will be ghostville soon, very soon, probably by the end of this post, correct? Is this all just anticipatory PR for Watch the Throne, an album about which I cannot seem to care even a tiny bit? (Yes, probably). Will I ever tire of hearing about the time Russ bailed out Slick Rick? (NOPE). Will I always want to name a mixtape Rick Rubin's Dorm Room? (I will). If a pirate had a Def Jam shirt, would I be hard on his tip? (No doubt). And which one of the gentlemen above has dressed himself in the most ridiculous fashion? (See below).



5th-most ridiculous: Barry Weiss, Chairman & CEO of Island/Def Jam, probable industry shyster. MacKaye and El-P are good guys, but a girl can't trust anyone else who runs a label. (You know you gotta read the label. You gotta read the label. If you don't read the label, you might get poisoned. Tommy ain't my Boy, etc., etc.)

Jeans, button-up, blazer. Age-appropriate. There's nothing interesting or threatening about Barry's outfit. I mean, it's boring, and that's offensive, but he's certainly not trying too hard and I can appreciate that. He was dressed by the costumer at Law & Order: SVU from the 2001 episode where the hip label executive gets murdered (in a twist, it was the mild-mannered assistant who did it! NOT the label's star rapper with a history of petty crimes, like Benson and Stabler initially thought).

Chance that I would sleep with him based on his appearance in this photo: 1%. Barry and I don't have any of the same records and he wouldn't get my jokes. Plus he seems a little tightly wound. Barry's the type to have weird fetishes, but not because he really enjoys them; it's that he's dead inside and he's trying to use AB/DL to fill up the emptiness where feelings used to be. I am not the one to be used as a weekend sex pet for an older, pasty man with relationship baggage. Go home to your wife, Barry.



4. K. West, musical person, overall annoyance, attention-seeker. Good at his job but boring as fuck (see also: Kobe, Tiger, Dan Patrick, Beyonce, my mechanic).

Chance that I would let him see me naked based on his appearance in this photo: 6%. He's pouting; it's his signature face move and it does not make me want to take my clothes off. His priorities are fucked up; he spent more time selecting that jacket - Balmain? Comme des Garcons? - than he did selecting quality rappers for his label (please see #3, below). He's a little too meticulous with the instructions he gives his barber; though I like that the hairdo is tight & right, the goatee is just a romance killer. And he would not care to see me naked, anyway. Kanye's not gay or straight; he is truly so disinterested in anyone other than himself that he's sexless. Asexual I guess is the better term. The Morrissey of bitchy insecure rap - whatever that is in one word, that's what Kanye is. Still, I give him 6% rather than 0% because it would be cool to talk shop with him for a few minutes, maybe - the production stylings of Norman Whitfield, where is Teddy Riley, that sort of thing. Also, Kanye could really kind of do it to your ear canal back in the day, remember? When he first came out with his solo stuff? I listened to "Through the Wire" yesterday which was like self-punishment because I know it's only going to make me whine for 2004 Kanye. And that is, in fact, exactly what happened.



3. Big Sean, G.O.O.D. signee, boring rapper who won't be around next year, and person whose name appears to be misleading. Big Sean, he calls hisself. Kanye's about 5'8" ("Height can be anywhere from 5'4 - 5'9" is part of his casting decree for ladies in his videos; he doesn't want to look diminutive, ha), Swizz looks maybe 6'2"? 6'3"? Nice try with the moniker, Sean. Is this the kind of thing where really big guys get the nickname "Tiny"? And no, I haven't overlooked the belt, jacket, pinky ring, or Morris Day facial expression/hand pose combo. It's just that they speak for themselves. Analysis is unnecessary. (I tend to overdo it in posts, so I'm trying to calm down a little. This is me, evolving.)

Chance that I would eat a meal or get coffee with him based on his appearance in this photo: Initially? 14%. If he had worn that Red Wings hat like in the "My Last" video, because I love fans who actually wear the home team's gear? 18%.

Unfortunately, I cannot un-see this photo. Final odds, then? 0%.




2. Swizz Beatz, producer with some type of confusing Reebok affiliation that I can't get a handle on.

After winning the "most Zs in the game" contest back in '98, deciding to sport a bun/tiny braid combo, then marrying a famous lady for some promo, Swizzy has of late begun dressing like a Diamond store customer circa '07. This is still how most of the rad dudes in LA dress, making it impossible for me to respect them as people (even though they are rad). Some of them mix it up, throw in some tube socks or a nice button-up, but overall the simple beauty of a T and jeans combo has been foresaken by the gentlemen of this metropolis. Also hardly anybody can drive stick anymore; can you believe that? I will surely die celibate, my hips going to waste, clutching my precious records for warmth as I sit on my couch. ANYWAY, I know what you're thinking: that hat! But it's actually a plus for me. I did not care for the bobble-head look of 2002-2008 (this might've been a regional thing, however - not sure if other cities saw this trend). Swizzy's ill-fitting Reebok snapback of 2011 that reminds a girl of the ill-fitting head pieces of rap ghosts? SO TITE. It's also obviously a Len Bias tribute (super tight). But that shirt. EGAD. It's the shirt that shoots him to the top of the list. Presented without further commentary: FASHION ART MUSIC. (JESUS IS MY HOMEBOY was in the laundry pile)

Chance that I would make eye contact with him across a crowded room based on his appearance in this photo: 7%. He's married and chose to wear a shirt that says FASHION ART MUSIC by his own free will, but he has nice strong facial features. He's got an interesting look. And you have heard Civic bangers "Get It On the Floor" and "Drink N My 2 Step," have you not? Hell, for such achievements, Swizz gets a nice round 10%.



1. Kid Cooties, annoyance, recreational coke user who wants us to believe he's one step away from John Belush-ing his career and has tried to fold this into his overall identity as an artist to detract from the fact that he is so, so dull. Also, like all these little boys today running around with the name "Cody," time is not going to be kind to grown-ups who have "Kid" as part of their MC name.


Chance I would sl-ZERO FUCKING PERCENT. The jeans are fine; nothing wrong with a pair of jeans. Classic, understated. But the blazer over the t-shirt is stupid; either wear a suit or keep your kit casual. Commit one way or another, please. The Stones t-shirt is boring, and oh and look, it's the return of the fucking blond Jesus piece; if either of these items are worn in earnest, they are unacceptable. There is nothing acceptable about the notion that a pale-skinned Jesus actually existed, except for the fact that X-Clan and PRT made some good songs in response. And the only acceptable parts of the Rolling Stones are the Marianne Faithfull days (and the name Marianne Faithfull), Anita Pallenberg's unstoppable white-girl steezyness, the Gram Parsons stuff, Peter Tosh in that video, Full Metal Jacket's closing credits, and the first 40 seconds of "Can't You Hear Me Knocking." Even if both of Cudi's items are worn with ironic intentions they are unacceptable, as it is a fact that irony died in '08. And oh lord, Cudi's hat in the picture. I believe the god Mingus wrote a song suggesting that this trend die.










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4 comments:

danps said...

I like Swizz Beatz because of Bang Bang. I like Soundcloud because it has not yet been infected by Degenerative Monetization Disease, which seems to be the inevitable fate of sites that begin life on the radical proposition that users should be able to consume media in the ways that are most useful to them.

I like stick shifts because I can keep them in second gear when going downhill on snow covered roads. I hate that stick shifts are on their way to extinction, and I will continue buying them as long as they are for sale.

I like Ohio because of 1,298,301. I love the people who signed my petition and I want to take all of them behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

I like the 4th of July because of fireworks and the smell of insect repellent and pictures of girls in star spangled bikinis.

I love America, but I don't always like it.

Hope you have an enjoyable holiday.

Dart Adams said...

God bless you for this post. P.S. I hate everyone in that picture as of Sunday July 3rd, 2011 @ 8:13 AM EST

One.

Dr. Livingston said...

church, tabernacle, holy water.

Anonymous said...

fuck you and go back to heavy metal you emo fuck G.O.O.D music over all and fuck lil wayne and your mother YMCMB fanboy