It's you and me against the world, YouTube.

YouTube can't give me good back rubs or tell me I look pretty, but his recommendations make my heart beat faster and that's all I need (other than, you know, a good back rub. And an adoring glance in my direction 2-4 times a week).

Above, look at what YouTube says I like. YouTube knows me. I like Laboe oldies, Jimmy Smith, Bay rap, and various riddims. This seems obvious because you guys pay attention when I start running my yap about snares and wobbly basslines, but you'd be surprised at the lack of attention-paying out there. Sometimes people email me links to Portland drone-rock band websites and I'm like What the hell and Why did you do that; everyone knows I only listen to old stuff (mostly Stax and Rawkus), Full Clip, '93-'96 rap from the state of New York, a little Trick Daddy, and current rap from the states of Georgia, Louisiana, and California.

I could do without the Keith Emerson video where he shows off his backwards tricks, even though I can appreciate his use of Moog. Rick Wakeman is still the white-man-on-keys god, though. And that Santana one is kind of a lazy recommendation. Everything else in this group is pretty on point, however--Cellski, Heatwave, Jimmy Smith, that Simpleton song. Dancehall is good for your self-esteem if you are a hip-blessed woman; I mean they really do love those coke-bottle*, sweating-in-the-bashment body shapes. Dancehall is not good for your self-esteem if you're a gay man, however. This is a conflict for me. I wish both of these groups could be cherished and respected on the island. But then, Jamaicans also frown upon oral sex, so overall it kind of feels like they are a people that cannot be liked or trusted.

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In a rare misstep, YouTube recommends an awful Cleveland gimmick rapper (no, not Krayzie Bone. Or Wish Bone. Or any Bone, actually). Apart from feeling hurt that YouTube doesn't realize I hate terrible rappers, I am confused--I'm not sure how you can make the leap from Cellski to Cudi. How ridiculous and dumb, this connection. Should've recommended Ray Cash, YouTube! He's my true Cleveland love based on that song (RICK ROCK) where he talks about what he's listening to and rapping along with while driving in his big-bodied 2-door.

Horace Silver, “Message from Kenya.” Nice save, YouTube. A successful redemption, and a logical next step when someone watches a Sonny Rollins video. I like that Whitefield Brothers push, too--because I watched that Blackrock video with the “Deadly Medley” break. SWOON, 00:28 - 01:28. Oh my goddddd, I said out loud to nobody else in apt. 15 when I first heard this. Oh my dear sweet Jesus. Then I said fuck about 10 times.




Whitefield Brothers. I am so fond of this recommendation that YouTube and I are now going from 2nd to 3rd base about a week sooner than I had predicted.













Sometimes I can't remember doing the thing YouTube said I did, just like in any romantic relationship.

“You said you liked Depp's performance in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” Really? I did? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I didn't. What I said was, “Depp was never hotter than in Donnie Brasco, holyfuckinghell, would you look at that, how did my panties just come off like that with no warning.” Then I turned to look at you in hopes that you would start dressing and swagging like that too.

“You watched P.A.” I did???? I mean, I appreciate the Outkast and Goodie Mob and 8Ball recommendations, but prove that I watched such a thing. Show me when and where, because honestly I think you're making it up. I like regional rap but I'm not cool enough to have sought out such a semi-obscure group from the greater Atlanta area.


I can remember watching that Whatnauts video, which I do almost weekly because of the way Doomsy used it and the way RZA bent and shaped it into some rap finery a few years back. Ha, just kidding! There was little bending/shaping. He was super lazy with it and basically just put on the record and let it play while he and Deck said what they had to say. No way to eat, so I dropped a half a G on a rented SP/1200 Sampler, and a Yamaha 4-Track/The bass from the lab used to blow the fuckin door back. I love raps about raps (meta-hop), raps about white girls in any form (narcotics, actual white human girls), and raps about struggles during the come-up and descriptions of the first equipment somebody's rap music was made on. By the way, RZA is in Due Date. Prepare yourself; otherwise you too will emit an excited loud cry in the theater and spill your popcorn and everyone will turn and look. We'll get into why I actually spent money to see Due Date in another post. His scene is at the beginning and he is charming and hilarious even though I wish he would always be in '70s garb like in American Gangster or like Depp in Brasco.



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YES, I watched “I Luv It,” OKAY? I was having a moment. A 2006 moment. Then I felt corny so I cleansed my soul with some Wayne Shorter and then Jackie Moore's “Precious Precious,” which is what I hear in my head every time I see Depp in Brasco.


You been with every girl in this town/You been dealin in dirt (just wallowin in dirt, yes you have)/But I look at love as a 2-way street/You get the good with the bad, you take the bitter with the sweet. Kanye's loud boring ass, DJ Drama’s stupid cocked fitted like he’s a 15-year-old, Drake’s haircut (his whole hairline, actually. Anything Drake’s-head-related is bad), and grown people who use the word “naughty”: Jackie Moore makes all the things I hate disappear from my brain with her lovely vocals.







Fucking Galt MacDermot has arrived, YES. Bout time. And then YouTube says Here's more Whatnauts for you, Logan. I know you've been looking for this one on vinyl for years because of, you know, this. Enjoy, my precious darling smart beautiful girl. And more breaks (Buddy Baker's “Sign Song” = “Off the Books”). Applause the Lighthouse, yep. And BOSCOE, who I'd never heard of before but who are my new paramours.

(He doesn't really keep me down; don't worry. But he can make my dress come off if someone presses the little forward-direction arrow button down there.) (!)







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