"We Should Go Back to My Place and Do Some Math"

Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel Or Something To That Effect

By Aaron Kaplan
May 2, 2007 | THE ONION Issue 43•18

Excuse me, beautiful, mind if I stand next to you and do some talking? I don't mean to intrude, but I couldn't help but notice that you were sitting all alone and enjoying yourself. There's just one problem: If you're here right now, then that means heaven must be missing an angel or something to that effect. Though I doubt anyone's noticed since there are so many angels up there anyway.

I'm trying to say that you're hot.

You look pretty tired, though. Maybe it's because you've been running through my mind for a while. I think about hot women a lot, so for the purposes of this argument let's just say you were one of the ones that I'd previously been thinking about, even though we just met. Are you considering having sex with me yet? Because if not, I could ask you if it hurt when you hit the ground after falling from heaven. I know I already said the thing about you being an angel, but maybe you didn't catch it the first time. Or if you did, maybe it will seem like I'm building off that. I'm trying to tell you that you're pretty like an angel I want to sleep with, is the point.

What else is there? Oh, are you from Tennessee? Because I think you're a seven. I might have gotten that wrong, but you get the gist of it. I'm using the name of a state to express how much I'd like to see you naked, but I don't really care where you're from.

Your eyes are blue like the sky or water, whichever you prefer. And your lips are really red like—I don't know—that girl's lips over there. Also, I'd look great cumming on your shirt. Or your shirt's becoming, I mean. I want to be cumming on your shirt or in your general vicinity is what I'm getting at. I didn't quite say it right, but the sentiment is there.

So do you have a boyfriend or what? Because I don't have all night to waste on talking to you if you're dating someone.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket so I can see myself in your pants? How about a quarter, so I can call my mother and tell her I found the girl of my dreams? I'm not actually going to call her, because she's been dead for two years and it's actually up to 35 cents now anyway and I'd probably just use my cell phone, but I'll take the quarter from you if it will get you in the sack.

We should go back to my place and do some math. We'll add a bed, subtract our clothes, and do other math stuff related to fucking.

Look, it's obvious where this is leading. I'm saying all the right things and you haven't walked away yet, so let's just cut to the chase: Do you come here often? If so, would you like to go back with me to my apartment and have sex with me? What if I told you I would rearrange the alphabet for some reason? I'm thinking of asking you what you'd like for breakfast tomorrow, in the hopes that you might sleep with me because I implied that it's inevitable.

I guess I should say I think I've seen you someplace before. And I don't mean earlier, when I was staring at you. I'm pretty sure we've met in a past life or in my dreams or something, so you should feel comfortable lowering your standards around me. Also, your shoes are nice, so I'm sensitive and observant. If you really need me to, I could buy you a drink to show you I have some money and then we could do it in the bathroom.

Wait, don't go. Just one more thing. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours so I can call you later about having sex?

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Cot Damn

Rick Rubin will work his bearded magic on the Clipse!!! For 1 song, anyway.

According to a Billboard.biz report, the new album is called Till the Casket Drops, and it will reportedly feature all-too-infrequent rap producer Rick Rubin behind the boards for an as-yet-untitled tune. Rick fucking Rubin!

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Betcha By Golly Wow

Music Retailer Thrives Serving Captive Audience

By REUTERS
Published: July 19, 2008

NEW YORK (Billboard) - As music retailers struggle to stay in business, a Los Angeles firm is doing nicely targeting a demographic that gets bigger every year -- prisoners.

More than 2.3 million people were locked up in federal, state or local systems at midyear 2007, according to the U.S. Dept. of Justice, and they want their Michael Jackson and Pink Floyd just like everyone else.

Enter North Hollywood-based Pack Central, which runs a mail-order operation for about 50,000 prisoners. It stocks about 10,000 CDs and 5,000 cassette titles.

Cassettes account for about 60% of unit sales, since CDs are contraband in many prisons because the hard plastics can be used for nefarious means. The screws that hold many cassettes together are also verboten, so owner Bob Paris must manually remove them. A bigger problem is that the labels have largely abandoned cassettes.

Paris says he started stockpiling cassettes five years ago. "People thought I was nuts when I invested tons of money in analog prerecorded music on tape," he says.

He plans to order small runs of his best-selling catalog titles from cassette manufacturers, although some new titles would also sell well in the format, Paris adds.

Best-selling current titles include Lil Wayne's "Tha Carter III," Mariah Carey's "E=MC2," Usher's "Here I Stand," Rihanna's "Good Girl Gone Bad," Nickelback's "All the Right Reasons," Leona Lewis' "Spirit" and Lyfe Jennings' "Life Change."

Perennial sellers include Al Green's "Greatest Hits," Linkin Park's "Hybrid Theory," Michael Jackson's "Thriller," Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon" and a best-of collection by the Stylistics.

Pack Central sends out its catalog twice a year, with monthly mailers featuring new titles. Prisoners pay for product through money orders or checks drawn on a spendable trust account set up by their family members.

But Pack Central has to be careful even here. "If someone, due to a math error, shorted us $1, we used to fulfill the order and ask them send us a buck extra the next time," Paris says. "But that is extending prisoners' credit, which felons are not allowed to have, since they don't have the capacity to enter into a contract. So we got into trouble for that and now have to lop off an item and refund them the difference."

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John Mayer Guitar Picks Designed By KAWS

Can't knock the hustle. Oh wait, I can knock it. These take me to the next level of annoyance. John Mayer hasn't been fresh since he backed Chappelle on "The Facts of Life" theme song.

Madame Butterfly, Let Me In Your House of Pleasure

Turntable Lab--Eddie Kendricks' "My People...Hold On"! It's on "Donuts," dunnies! Plus "Maggot Brain" (Eddie Hazel), and a lil Camp Lo for the kids. I took my purchases up to the counter and I got all self-conscious because I was getting a dancehall song about ladies' vaginas. Awk-waaaard. The song kinda sucks anyway, so all that embarrassment was for nothing.

Irina Sheik Is Stunning

Tiff said her friend thinks I look Russian. I don't get that one as a guess very often when it comes to my ethnic background but I'll take it, since it means I'm in the company of the foxy Irina. I always love the exotic-looking ones with big features. Swoon.

Killin 'Em Hard With Them Lady Pants!

Minus Fonzworth's "verse" (ugh), this is the Song of the Summer*




*for the next few days

Rage Against the Machine! Oh, the Irony.

Guantanamo Torture Playlist

According to the British law group Reprieve, military interrogators at Guantanamo Bay (as well as in Iraq and Afghanistan) used loud music as a means of torturing detainees, including songs by artists such as Metallica, AC/DC, Eminem, and the theme song to the children's television show Barney & Friends.


Fast Facts

1. Loud music used to torture detainees
2. Torture playlist released by British law group Reprieve
3. Loud music is often used to keep prisoners awake during sleep deprivation sessions

Most Played Songs

• "Enter Sandman" by Metallica
• "Bodies" by Drowning Pool
• "Shoot to Thrill" by AC/DC
• "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC
• "I Love You" from Barney & Friends
• "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen
• "Babylon" by David Gray
• "White America" by Eminem
• Theme song to Sesame Street

"Bulls On Parade," Rage Against the Machine, "Stayin' Alive," the Bee Gees, "Raspberry Beret," Prince

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Courtesy of the Groundswell Blog:

The Torture Playlist Stickers

Mother Jones’s Torture Playlist includes the music used in American military prisons to torture detainees, and ranges from Christina Aguilera to Sesame Street. I’ve developed the stickers below to raise awareness about this form of torture.

Using address labels - sized 2.25″ x 0.75″ - you can affix these stickers to CDs in your local record shop and make a small political statement about state violence. Download the PDF here.

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