Corey Woods, you are my density. Uh, destiny.

I’m supposed to be in a long-term relationship with a funny asshole with a great music collection, either Jack Black in High Fidelity or Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs*. SORRY MOM.

FunnyAsshole has yet to approach me, however, because we all know that Dudes Talk to Me on the Internets but Not in Real Life. So I'm hedging my bets by continuing to pursue Rae, whom I have not been able to quit since '93 (and who no doubt also has a great music collection, yay).



I missed his show on Wednesday night, because it was in NYC and I am not. Turns out the performance was “the one where Rae makes Logan fall in love with him all over again with a steezy '93 vengeance.”


Highlights included:

- A huge cake shaped like the Purple Tape!

'The fuck?,
YES,
???,
!!!!!!!, etc.


- An hour and a damn half of songs comin fast, Wu and solo songs, without the fancy tricks of stagecraft or pacing. No tricks, no tricks baby! HATE TRICKS. Enough tricks. Thanks, Rae.

“The set went back to early tracks by his old collective, the Wu-Tang Clan, touched on Cuban Linx Part 1 and settled in for stretches of the new album, including the scabrous, seedy ‘Gihad’ and the imagistic, violent ‘Surgical Gloves.’”

‘Gihad,’ by the way, still needs to be stripped of its vocals and lovingly placed into my vinyl collection. OH SANTA, spoil me whydontyou.


- Appearance by Cherry Jones!, who receives epic human status for giving life to one Russell Jones.

“She and Raekwon hugged, without speaking, for nearly a minute. Raekwon praised Dirty and his mother and then performed ‘Ason Jones,’ a tribute to Dirty on the new CD, with some emotional difficulty, his movements creaky, as if he needed oil. (He stopped the song at one point, shaking his head in sorrow, swearing and then collecting himself.)”

[Round here we say “cussing and then collecting himself,” but the feeling inherent in the description above transcends regional dialect barriers. Also, “his movements creaky, as if he needed oil?” Love this. Rae as the Tin Man. Rap-show reviewers, more of this please.]


- Appearance by CNN! Nore's large and in charge, both physically due to the body's natural weight gain that comes with age, as well as lyrically because he entertains on the mic like it's still '96.


- “Raekwon slumped against the opposite wall, looking humble, grateful and worn out.” This, a description of our hero while Busta appeared on stage and then went on and on with praise about him. Love it. So evocative, can't you just see it? Rae as Jimmy Conway, fatigued by life, hair turned gray and sporting a tracksuit at the end of Goodfellas.



I'm just a girl who hopes with a '93 vengeance that Rae and I will end up together, doing the NYT crossword on Sundays and bickering adorably about which NFL game to watch (our NFL Sunday Ticket hasn't been set up yet). He and I can surmount geographic separation but there's still the matter of him looking for ass on the side. I wanna love him...but WHAT IF he hurts me?



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* I have no proof; I can just feel in my heart that he does.



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No Fucking Way: NFL, poor people, and ladies' fashions edition

1. It is not good for a woman's foot to be in heels, says science (via the LA Times). It causes pain later in life and is just generally something a woman shouldn't put herself through.

OHGOD why didn't somebody tell me this sooner. It's bad for my foot to be frozen at an ungodly 45-degree incline and for my whole 120 lbs to be carried by the ball of my foot and my 5 dainty toes so that my posture is thrown out of wack and my booty protrudes in a sexy fashion? 'The fuck out!

Science, you treat me like I'm a dummy and I don't like it.

On a positive note, have you seen girly legs/bottoms in heels? OF COURSE YOU HAVE, at the cluuuuhb. SWEET LORD, it'll cause you pain! In your crotch area! But in a good way! You go with your boys and style/profile, ass-watch, and probably assign numerical value to each lady who walks by. Dude, I listen to Howard Stern and I've seen The Man Show. Do not front, please.

Sweden's finest furniture, plus me showing the business section who's boss while fully killing 'em (by myself, in apt. 302) via foot-destroyers.

Balance is not a problem for me (it's 'cause of my extra on-point inner-ear game, sonnn) but being like 6 feet tall at the bar is so unpleasant for a shy girl such as myself who prefers to blend in, people-watch, and sing along with "Ask" in my head that I just wear "I'd rather be at home reading" all over my little face. See, dudes talk to me on the computer but not in real life and that's probably why. Shyness is nice, but listen, it can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to.

2. "Dementia risk vastly higher for former NFL players," or "Getting hit in your skull repeatedly by large men is not good for your poor soft brain and might cause your brain to stop working," says science (via the NY Times).

WHO CARES. I'm still ready for some football.

3. "Poor people even poorer, sicker during recession. Also, there are too many poor people and not enough health care" - Reuters, in its "Health News for You, Moron" section.

I believe I have already reported this information in my hard-hitting expose circa May '09, complete with a Supreme Clientele tie-in. Shut up and stop clogging up my Internet with useless things I already know, Reuters and other newsy organizations in my RSS feed.

The Cool Kids - "Shut Up," AKA "Swiff D channels Collipark in '05 channeling Pharrell in '97 channeling Rubin in '87."

mp3.



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Todd English looks like Morrissey, and Tom from "500 Days" is easy.

Reality show judge-type person x real-life music god, Round 2.

#1. That guy (Nisan's his name) on that show called "Making His Band," about those adorable kids who are, for some reason, vying for a talent-wasting spot backing Sean Combs when he takes his awful bag of songs out on tour,

looks like GZA.

#2. "Top Chef" is that show about cooks which is hosted by that lady who is Salman Rushdie's ex-wife even though I should be Salman's ex- or current-wife. Is it wrong that if he's a writer and is or was the target of a fatwa it makes a dude like 20 times more appealing to me? Nope, probably not. They had chef Todd English on last night, who was a judge and who is no doubt a rude and awful man because he's a chef and chefs always are. Bourdain can get away with it because for some reason he gives the ladies some hot, older-man, mean-daddy throbs. I am a member of this group called "the ladies" and so yes, Bourdain does this to me (ish). Alas, Todd English is no Bourdain.

What Todd English does have, though, is that Todd English

looks like Morrissey.

Like a swarthy, non-Brit Morrissey. Who eats meat.

I picked "There is a Light" to be the one for this post, selecting it out of Morrissey's entire catalog because c'mon. It's the best. It also makes me think of Zooey in 500 Days of Summer, a movie which was cute and which made me feel disoriented because it set the bar so low for girl-music-fan-dom. The boy character is named Tom; he loves Summer because she is nice and pretty and she is Original, an open-minded free thinking type. Summer is The Coolest because she likes something called "Belle and Sebastian" and "The Smiths," so much that she even knows the Words to their Songs, and that's all it takes, evidently, to get a boy to look at you like you have a twin sister, your own weed farm, and NFL Sunday Ticket. Tom lives, I guess, in a cave, or in a part of LA that is not reachable by freeways or human females, because he has never met anything like Summer in his life, ever. She brushes her hair, doesn't have 3 eyes or a speech impediment, and likes The Graduate. Tom is held rapt, he can't believe his luck at finding this girl! Whuuuut, nobody with breasts likes The Smiths! 'The fuck outta here!

And I walked out of the theater feeling like an anomaly with hips, like a unicorn or a woodland fairy or hologram, thinking, It's a good thing Tom and I have not yet met, because I would probably make his special area explode with delight.


The Smiths - "There is a Light that Never Goes Out"

mp3.


Oh and this one too! Morrissey - "Sunny."
Because it's a cliche please stop using heroin, my friend song but it is so pretty and melodic, it'll make you feel extra triumphant when you heart that My heart goes out to youuuu. I'll be humming it all day.

mp3.



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